I've always been a person that speaks my truth and has never been afraid to do so. However, speaking the truth will without fail always anger certain people. They will usually in turn try to convince others that you're a liar and essentially "you are/were the problem". I don't care. I don't care because I feel there are so many things that need to be said out loud. Part of the problem society is failing is families having entirely too many secrets, having too many behind the door and behind the back conversations, and families leaving too many important things unsaid all together.
My mother struggled with alcoholism for so many years. It's not by any means who she was or the most important part of her, but it was a the part that ultimately took her from those that loved her. I, like most people, always thought there would be more time, but there wasn't. Not only did I lose her, but I lost her with no resolution...getting no answers to my questions. I felt for a long time like she chose her addiction over me and that feeling spearheaded a great deal of bitterness, which became my cross to bear. For such a long time I was incredibly angry with my mom. I had endless questions with no answers going all the way back to when I was a child. My mother and I never had what most people would consider the typical "mother and daughter" relationship. There were no close moments of conversation, wise words to carry throughout life, I don't even remember her every telling me she loved me, but I know she did, a great deal. What we did have were jokes...lol...my mother and I shared a lot of laughs, witty banter, and sarcastic barbs, that is what we were good at. Nothing to deep, nothing too serious, but that was okay because what we did have was ours.
Over the years since her passing, the anger has changed to understanding...time has a way of doing that. Experience and education, of course, also bring wisdom. There has also been two people in my life who have helped tremendously, my Aunt Sam and my Grandmother. Never once have they been anything but compassionate, never said ugly things about or to me, never decided they knew more about what went on between myself and my mother than I did. They did what we all should do. Accept that when it comes to family relationships they are personal, not public. They are all based upon the interactions and memories between those TWO people and any information a third party receives is going to be one sided. Why some people feel they have the right to conclude what someone had with another person and that they somehow have more information than the two actually involved, will always baffle me.
My Aunt Sam and my Grandmother gave me something incredibly precious, they gave me what I had never had the opportunity to gain...the ability to know my mother before we lost her. My mother was a tremendously beautiful soul. She loved God, photography, and windmills. She was smart and my goodness the woman could cook. Unfortunately, like so many of us, she was damaged. She had her own demons and sadly, she succumb to her demons only after years and years of putting up the good fight, but she meant so very much to so many and that's what really counts.
There will always be within me that feeling that I should have done more, that I could have done more, but not only have I forgiven her, I have forgiven myself. Let me tell you, forgiveness is not for the weak. It takes no effort to be bitter, to be judgmental, and to be angry. At the end of the day NO ONE, but my mother and myself knows what occurred between us, knows the exchanges we had, and the memories we made, both good and bad, NO ONE. It's beyond presumptuous for anyone to stand in judgment of the relationship of another. To act as though they have some vested interest in it and in turn are entitled to hold any sort of an opinion. Please don't do that.
I write this for a few reasons, the most important one being to say that REGARDLESS of the opinion held by some, I LOVED my mother. People can ignore me, they act as though I don't exist, but no amount of exclusion will EVER change the fact that I WAS and will always be her daughter...that we look and act just like each other...that I AM my mother and am proud of that fact!
I write this to say, please stay out of relationships that don't involve you. Outside opinions, accusations, and assumptions do NOTHING but create more problems, more drama, and more nonsense. What we should all do is learn to practice a long forgotten word...RESPECT. Respect where they are with someone may not be where you are and that's because their experiences are different than yours! Respect that you don't have a clue about the truth of what has gone on between them. Respect that they need to repair and reconcile this in their own time and their own way.
Another reason is to say, please don't take time for granted. If you have a conflict with someone, regardless of who it is, mend it. There are those things that are beyond correction and I accept that. There are people who are so toxic that having them in your life is impossible, but if it can be repaired, I encourage you to do so. There are millions of us facing this day without our child(ren) or without the child they long for. Some of us are doing it with the heavy heart of unfinished business. I wish on no one to have to visit their parent and/or their child in a cemetery on this day and I will be visiting both, if you have never had to face this day doing those things, please don't judge someone else's journey.
I may not have ever been able to know the true person my mother was, but here is what I do know. I have her face and it's a face my husband and children love...for that I thank her. My oldest son loves the outdoors and my grandmother will tell you, I HATE it which means my mom gave that to him...for that I thank her. I am incredibly strong willed and do not easily accept the phrase "you can't" and from what I know, that was a quality my mother had...for that I thank her. More than anything, for all our missteps and wrong turns, she gave me life...for that I thank her!
(My Mother)
(From left to right, my mother, myself, and my daughter)
