Giving A Face To Organ Donation: Whitney's Story...

How many times, while getting your driver’s license, have you blindly checked that infamous box “be an organ donor” and if so, do you even know what it really means?” It goes without saying that there are 1000’s of issues that plague this world daily, sending constant fear into the hearts of people everywhere and I apologize for bringing light to one more, but knowledge is power. Today, I will be sharing a story and information on a subject that is near and dear to my heart because it greatly affects a family who I hold in high regard and love. I am also sharing this because this subject affects millions of families every year. I don’t have a huge a platform to speak from, but I do have a small one through my articles, my blog, and my readers and to not to, I feel would be irresponsible on my part. My hope is to provide many with knowledge about what organ donation is, some statistics surrounding it, and why it is so very important to me.

For those who are unsure of the overall process of organ donation or even what it really is, we will start with the actual definition and move on to the steps. Organ donation occurs when an organ or a part of an organ is given to another person for the purpose of transplantation and this can be done after the donor has passed away or while they are still living. In order for an organ to be considered viable, blood and oxygen must continuously flow through it until the time of recovery and immediate implantation. When speaking of a deceased donor, this will require that the donor passes away under circumstances resulting in irreparable neurological injury, usually from massive trauma to the brain such as aneurysm, stroke, or automobile accident. Once all human efforts have been made to save the person, tests will then be performed to confirm the absence of all brain or brain stem activity. If official brain death is declared, they will then begin to look into whether or not donation is a possibility. The state donor registry will be searched to determine if the patient has personally consented to donation, but if the potential donor is not found in the data base, the doctors will speak with his or her legally authorized representative (a spouse, relative, or close friend) and offer the opportunity to authorize the donation. If an official donation decision is established, the family is asked to provide a medical and social history so professionals can determine which organs would be suitable or transplant as well as making the decision on how to allocate all viable organs according to who is on the waiting list. Deceased donors have the possibility of providing kidneys, pancreas, liver, lungs, heart, and intestinal organs. For living donors the process is obviously a little different and I have provided a link at the bottom of a webpage on how to do that. Living donors have the potential to provide one of their kidneys or a portion of the liver, lung, intestine, or pancreas.

Although we clearly have made advances not only in the medical field, but in the area of donation, the problem of eye and tissue donation vastly exceeding the number of donors available, has not changed or advanced. Here are some current statistics in regards to organ donation.

• More than 1 million tissue transplants are done each year and the surgical need for tissue has been steadily rising.
• More than 120,000 men, women and children currently need lifesaving organ transplants and approximately 1,851 are Pediatric Patients*
• Every 10 minutes another name is added to the organ transplant waiting list.
• An average of 18 people die each day from the lack of available organs.
• In 2012, there were 14,013 Organ Donors resulting in 28,052 organ transplants and more than 46,000 corneas were transplanted.
• 90% of Americans say they support donation, but only 30% know the essential steps to take to be a donor.
• Despite continuing efforts at public education, misconceptions and inaccuracies about donation persist.

It also doesn’t appear to matter how many efforts are continually made towards public education, the misconceptions and inaccuracies about donation still persist. So I feel it is important to try and do away with some of the myths:

• Anyone can be a potential donor regardless of age, race, or medical history.
• All major religions in the United States support organ, eye and tissue donation and see it as the final act of love and generosity toward others.
• If you are sick or injured and admitted to the hospital, the number one priority is to save your life, NOT to get your organs.
• Organ, eye and tissue donation can only be considered after you are deceased.
• When you are on the waiting list for an organ, what really counts is the severity of your illness, time spent waiting, blood type, and other important medical information, NOT your financial status or celebrity status.
• An open casket funeral is possible for organ, eye and tissue donors.
• Through the entire donation process the body is treated with care, respect and dignity.
• There is no cost to the donor or their family for organ or tissue donation.

I truly feel that it is easy for us to provide ourselves with excuses as to why we don’t get more involved and/or choose not to, when all we have is numbers to look at, for where there is no face or person, there are no feelings or connection. The girl in the title of this article is a young lady as well as her mother, Vanessa, are two people I pray for every day.  Whitney has Cystic Fibrosis and has since the day she was born. Though she was not diagnosed until she was 5 months old, it made the uphill battle her mother and herself were about to face no less enormous.

Cystic fibrosis affects the body's ability to move salt and water in and out of cells. This defect causes the lungs and pancreas to secrete abnormally thick mucus that blocks passageways and prevents proper function. This disease affects approximately 30,000 children and young adults in the United States and 70,000 people worldwide. Most children with CF are diagnosed by age two and many symptoms of CF can be treated with drugs or nutritional supplements. Close attention to and prompt treatment of respiratory and digestive complications have dramatically increased the expected life span of a person with CF. When a great deal became known about this disease in the 50’s children rarely lived past age 6, but today about half of all people with CF live past age 37, with the median life span expected to increase as treatments are improved.

Whitney has sacrificed more in her short life than most people do in their entire lives. She missed out on a great deal of school while growing up due to her illness and overall missed out on being a normal kid. There were no sporting events, dances, sleep overs, parties, school clubs, and all the other things that children typically partake in to create memories throughout their academic career. While other children were getting to enjoy being young and having no worries, Whitney was left with no choice but to grew up pretty quickly as well as to worry about very adult problems. She spent most of her high school years homebound and had a teacher come to her house so she had some hopes of graduating high school. Whitney was able to graduate and was lucky enough to get to attend her senior prom, however most kids probably do not do so while pulling an oxygen tank.

Vanessa is Whitney’s mother and has been a single parent Whitney’s entire life. If you had to think about the most stressful or worrisome event in your child’s life, what would it be?  Imagine facing every new sunrise with no other option but to wonder how many more days your child was going to be with you? And to those people who actually do face that reality, but for a different reason, I by no means want to lessen their struggle or pain. Vanessa has supported Whitney as a single parent, always working, always being her cheerleader, always being there ready to help and assist with whatever she could. Countless doctors’ appointments, endless stays in the hospital, and an ocean of medication. Being a single parent is a hard enough job, without having the added daily strain of trying to keep your child alive.

Whitney was fortunate enough to receive a double lung transplant on March 12, 2011. However while she is extremely thankful for her gift, there is no denying the cost of a surgery of this magnitude. The out of pocket costs her mother endured for housing, food, and medicines, during and directly after the transplant, was over $20,000 dollars. There is also the uphill battle of insurance. Since Whitney was diagnosed at 5 months of age, health insurance would consider it a preexisting condition and therefore have always been reluctant to help if not refusing flat out. Whitney has been able to get Medicaid, but due to the extreme costs of maintenance and medication, they consistently work towards finding reasons to cut her benefits off. The medications run in excess of $50,000 dollars EVERY MONTH and luckily Medicaid does cover the bulk of the cost, but it is also a gamble every month waiting to hear what they will cover and what they won’t as well as whether or not they are cut her off. Regardless there is out of pocket expenses that are endured every month and when you are unable to work, how exactly do you come up with that money? Whitney is only 22 years old and she has had to give up the opportunity of going to college, hanging out with friends, having a social life, having a job/career, and children of her own is not a possibility either. In fact, most days she remains confined to a house because she can’t be around crowds of people for fear of catching a really terrible cold or even worse, the flu! How many people have to fear getting the flu because it could literally kill them?

So where does Whitney go from here? To the same place she has been going, to the church to pray. The doctors say that transplanted lungs usually last around 10 years and of course Whitney and her mother are hoping she will not only be in that group, but that she will have a lifetime. The future will also hold a need for a kidney transplant due to the anti-rejection medicine she is required to take every day and her live is damaged due to her CF, which while common, will also require a liver transplant as well.

The plain and simple truth is Whitney and all others suffering from the need of an organ deserve a life and opportunity to have something more than doctors, hospitals, surgeries, and endless medication. She deserves a fun, she deserves love, she deserves memories, and more than anything, she deserves help which she is in great need of. The tremendous cost of her medical treatment has forced her mother to sell almost everything she owns and Whitney has been forced to move to another state where she could get better medical care. Sadly she had to do so without her mother.
As I stated in the beginning, I don’t have a large platform, but I do have one and this beautiful girl needs some kindness. The family has hooked up with a web-organization that allows people to start fundraisers in the name of whatever cause they are fighting for. How it works is you go the link provided below for “Whit’s Love”, you donate $20, and you not only get a t-shirt in return, you get to help save a life and after so many t-shirts are sold, the organization will donate additional sums of money to help Whitney!!! That’s it, that’s all you have to do. Some of us spend more than $20 in a week on coffee and this will be used to provide life-saving medication for an incredibly strong, remarkable girl who never complains, never says an ill word about anyone or anything, never demonstrates anything but appreciation for the things and people around her. In return she is only asking for one thing…a chance to LIVE!!! Please help give her that!

https://www.booster.com/whitslove

If you would like additional information on how to become a donor and/or organ donation, please visit:
http://organdonor.gov/index.html
http://www.unos.org/


“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.”

 

 

Preemie Babies: Tiny Treasures With Big Battles

For those who do not already know, November is "National Prematurity Awareness Month" and it is a subject very close to my heart for 3 out of my 4 children were born prematurely and one of them, my oldest daughter, did in fact pass away. Each year in the United States, nearly 500,000 babies are born preterm which is an average of 1 out of every 8 infants (globally it is estimated to be about 15 million). While preemie babies account for only a small percentage of overall births (11-13%), they account for a very high number of total infant deaths which has been estimated to be as high as 35%. Premature birth is also the leading cause of long-term neurological disabilities in children and each year the estimated cost in the United States reaches beyond $25 billion dollars! My purpose for this article is to not only bring awareness to this issue, but also help provide education on ways in which hopeful mothers can dramatically decrease their risks and the risks to their newborn(s).

A baby is classified as being premature if they are born any time prior to 37 weeks. Even though a few weeks may not seem like a tremendously long time when compared to the 40 week total, but there is still a great deal of crucial final development that occurs in certain organ systems such as the brain, lungs, and liver. Some of these babies are required to receive intense special care and can spend weeks/months in a neonatal intensive care unit. The earlier a child is born, the more likely they are to have severe health problems such as intellectual disabilities, Cerebral Palsy, breathing/respiratory problems, visual problems including retinopathy of prematurity, hearing loss, and feeding and digestive problems.

In 2011, the national preterm birth rate was 11.7% which was a decline for the 5th straight year in a row in the U.S. The March of Dimes is an organization devoted to fighting this global issue and has established a goal of lowering the national preterm birth rate to 9.6% by the year 2020. This is because while a decrease is always progress in the right directions, the U.S. is still far behind other countries ranking 131 out of 184. Obviously there are times that a woman can do everything right during pregnancy and things can still. For example, one of the largest risk factors doctors look at is if the woman has had a previous preterm birth. In those cases, they will take extra precautions to help ensure the pregnancy can get to or as close to full term as possible. Another risk factor with an unknown original is for African American woman. For some reason, they are about 50% more likely to give birth prematurely. There are of course risk factors that we are aware of that woman can  avoid or at least be very cautious of such as carrying multiples, existing problems with the uterus or cervix, chronic health problems in the mother, such as high blood pressure, diabetes, and clotting disorders, acquiring certain infections during pregnancy, and of course cigarette smoking, alcohol use, and/or illicit drug use during pregnancy.

One group that I want to address due to the automatic increases they give themselves and their child by mere age alone is teenagers under the age of 18. The rate at which teens are having babies in the U.S. has steadily rose until 2007 and at that point, has luckily began to show a slow, but steady decrease. As a matter of fact, in 2012, the teenage pregnancy rate in the U.S. reached an all-time low of about 83 births for every 1000 for women age 15-29 which is the lowest since the 1940's, but we still cannot afford to ignore the fact that when teenagers decide to become parents, they are creating numerous obstacles for themselves, their future, and their child. We also cannot ignore how substantial their risk is for having a premature birth and in turn further increasing their overall burden. Not to mention that 1 out of every 4 teen girls who have a baby before the age of 18, will have a second child within 2 years.

Teenagers tend to live an unhealthy lifestyle for the most part just due to lack of education and/or lack of good choices. One would like to believe that when a baby is introduced into the picture, it would increase the likelihood they would change their habits, but most often this is not the case. Many young people develop habits of eating unhealthy foods, smoking, drinking alcohol, and using illegal/prescription drugs. They don't understand the value of adequate sleep, a balanced diet, exercise, and drinking plenty of water before, during, and after pregnancy. Clearly another major issue is lack of prenatal care received either due to not having access or simply not seeking it out because they don't feel it is necessary. Teen girls are also notorious for hiding their pregnancies or simply don't know they are pregnant until late in their pregnancy which again leads to issues with lack of prenatal care, poor nutrition, and inability to take the proper vitamins. All of these things create a high risk environment for the baby to not only be premature, but also have serious health risk that can last into adolescents if not beyond.

Another huge risk for teens is STD's (Sexually Transmitted Diseases). Again, due to lack of education and lack of good choices, more than 9 million young people (age 15-24) are infected with an STD every year. A mother giving birth while having an untreated STD, again will increase the risk of creating healthy issues for their child as well as possibly damaging their own health. For example, Chlamydia can cause sterility in the infected individual as well as eye infections and pneumonia in a newborn, Syphilis can cause blindness, maternal death, and infant death and HIV can be passed to a newborn during pregnancy. However, treatment during pregnancy greatly reduces the chances of an infected mother passing HIV on to her baby.

Due to the overwhelming struggles that teenagers can create for themselves and their child because of age, choices, and/or lifestyle, it is naturally recommended and strongly urged that women delay childbearing until their early 20's. However, for any woman that becomes pregnant, regardless of age, there are certain precautions and choices they can take part in to help safeguard themselves and their baby. Most importantly is to ensure they eat healthy foods, stay at a healthy weight themselves, get plenty of sleep, avoid standing for long periods of time as well as heavy lifting, stop taking any illegal drugs, drinking, and smoking, and of course avoid as much stress as possible. Pregnant women need to ensure they take a multivitamin containing folic acid every day to reduce the risk of having a baby with birth defects of the brain and spinal cord. All expectant mothers need to seek out prenatal care early on and continue it throughout the birth of their baby.

My preemie babies are now 14 and 12 and I thank God every day that they grew up with mild issues compared to most. While my oldest was not born prematurely, he did have an extremely difficult labor causing him to get a major infection and in turn stay in the hospital for a week. I tried as hard as possible to eat the right foods, I exercised before and during my pregnancy, and didn't smoke, do drugs, or drink alcohol. However, even trying to do everything right, for some reason it seemed that delivering babies without complication or carrying them full term was not something my body could handle. While we did lose our sweet Kylee and miss her deeply every day, I am thankful that my situation allows me to help educate others on this issue.

Every woman and man who is expecting a child always wants to assume that everything will go wonderfully, there will be no complications, and God forbid, that no hard decisions will have to be made. Unfortunately that is not our reality because as I stated, even in the best circumstances, things can go wrong, things do go wrong, but hat doesn't mean every precaution can't be taken to increase the chances of having a healthy, happy baby.

For more information about premature births and the precautions you can take, you can visit the March of Dimes website. Also November 17th is "World Prematurity Day" and everyone is encouraged to wear purple in honor of Tiny Treasures everywhere that we have lost, ones currently fighting, and the ones who will be fighting in the future!!!

God's Opinion Of Who I Am...

It has most definitely been quite some time since I have had an entry and there has been many reasons for that, although none intentional. It has simply been a byproduct of the fact that my life has literally been months of falling down the rabbit hole, so to speak. I have been consumed with mostly work, some school, and sadly some family and personal issues. As much as I would love to believe there are people who check my blog frequently and in turn have noticed my dry spell, possibly even wondered what has been going on, I am pretty sure that has not been the case. Don't get me wrong, I know there are people who do read my postings and some even find them beneficial, but I also know people have lives of their own making the overall likelihood pretty low. I would also be lying if I said, that I am not aware there are people out there who read my blog while holding nothing but malicious intent. Whose sole purpose is to tear it and/or me apart, letting me know I am a liar, and, more than anything, that they disapprove of me and what I have to say. Honestly, it's really okay. I wish other people would develop some understanding for the fact that there is no reality, only perception and while they are entitled to their opinion, so am I. I have always found it extremely interesting how a person can tell another that their memory or perception is wrong, especially when they were not even there, but that too is their right, I suppose. None of it changes the fact that the things I write are based upon my experiences, my perceptions, my memories, and if others are not okay with any of it, I have said many times, they do not have to read one word I put down. I also try to remember that at the end of the day if you have no enemies, then you have never really stood for anything in your life, right?

Since late June, I have been faced with numerous challenges at work, in my personal life, and other issues medically speaking. In regards to the family turmoil, nothing will be gained by discussing or addressing it in anyway. Certain relationships were questionable beforehand and things have been said/done during the last several months that, to put it bluntly, have hurt me greatly and have only further weakened, if not completely destroyed those bonds. However, there are some things in life that we may not want to accept, but have no choice because no amount of words, worry, or praying will ever change the past or even the enviable.  The nature of a thing is what it is unless it wants to change.

The medical issues are also something that I will also not be going into detail about. They are multiplying, they are intensifying, and at this time, there is a lot of uncertainty on not only how to control them daily, but what the long term outlook will be. We also know that one or more surgeries is in my future. I apologize for the vagueness, but when you have typically gotten responses of being called a liar, a faker, a hypochondriac, someone who uses illness to her advantage, have received complete disregard and/or lack of concern all together, as well as many other negative reactions, you tend to just keep things to yourself. Those who need to and/or truly wanted to know, have been made aware and that is enough for me. However I do want to focus on one area that deserves it. Bradley has always been someone I have thought was wonderful, but in the last several months, he has convinced me even more (if that was possible) that he must truly be touched by God himself. I don't know what I would do without his help, care, love, concern, patience, and generosity. He is able to display qualities that people typically don't possess and are unable to give to others anymore unless there is a benefit for them, family or otherwise.

The challenges at work have been pretty much even across the board with residents, coworkers, program policies, and my overall job duties. The challenge of having days that basically go from 5:45am till anywhere between 12am and 1am and those hours are consumed with work, school, and family, but definitely mostly work. There has been zero free time for myself or my family in months. Working extremely long days, sometimes till 8 or 9 (if not later) in the evening, did become so difficult and so great, that I had really begun to question not only what I am currently doing as a profession, but whether or not it is something I should continue to do. 

I think at one time or another anyone in a professional setting who begins to work a great deal of hours for weeks/months at time, has to ask themselves "am I doing tasks that are actually under my job duties or am doing someone else's job?”…”is what I am doing important or is it something that the world could live without?” I also think if you find yourself answering yes to both of those questions, which I have, you have to then ask yourself if this is something you can live with or is it time to move on?

I have always been a person of faith and I have always been a person that reads her bible, but in the last several months, I have definitely begun to read it more often. With all the challenges I have been facing, my faith has greatly helped me to find some balance and some peace in all the chaos. There has even been days I have begged God to just give me a sign, any sign that I was on the right track…and he delivered!

It is my own personal belief that there are times in life when God will directly interfere with your choices because he has a different plan, feels you are doing everything you can to not listen, and therefore he is going to make sure you hear, you know, like any good parent would! However, this will only happen a few times and it's our job to know when he is speaking to us. I have been finding more and more scriptures that make me feel as though God is talking directly to me, moments on T.V. when I have been seeing things turn up, and I kid you not, witnessing God's direct words in Dove Chocolates and fortune cookies! When that starts to happen, guess what, it is time to listen!

One of the things I found recently that helped tremendously in being able to take a deep breath and start over in regards to work, is actually a prayer that I found a place most would never expect. I was watching TV and it was during an interview with a rapper, DMX to be exact. He began discussing the prayers he puts at the ends of his albums so I looked them up. This one was so powerful and was exactly one of those things that I needed to hear and needed to feel. I will also say that I did tweak it a bit because his language is not always appropriate and also because his life’s work/passion is different than mine, but all in all, I felt the message was the same…..

Lord Jesus it is you, who wakes me up every day

And I am forever grateful for your love...this is why I pray

You provide me with the chance

To reach the hearts of so many,
To do what others no longer can
And influence so many children

I can't take all the credit

For the love they get
Much of it comes through you Lord
I'm just the one that's giving it

There are so many days

When it all becomes too much
People who only take with entitled attitudes
Never any appreciation or slightest gratitude

They are the reason I take time out and pray,

Asking that you be my crutch
For Lord I am not perfect by a long shot
And this I confess to you daily

But I do work harder each day,

While hoping you hear my pleas
Looking deep into my soul
Realizing that which others refuse to see

I know you will never fail me

Helping to continue achieve my goals
Then what's in my mind and heart,
To others, will begin to show

When the time comes that I get going,

I'm not looking back for NOTHING
For I will know where I'm headed,
And have been long tired of the suffering

I stand before you now,

A badly weakened version
Still of your reflection
Begging for direction,
For my soul needs resurrection

I try to use my gifts and talents for good,

And not to worship false Gods such as money, material items
Even though there are times I question your judgment
I always want to choose, act, and speak through you
Because all you ask for in return is gratitude

I will continue spending my life with devotion
And influencing the lives of your children
Using the gifts you have bestowed
Seeking clarity when uncertainty unfolds

I will bear only one regret while going forth in all I feel I must do,

Is that I will only have this one life to offer you, instead of two"
...Amen

The following are scriptures that I found recently that again, made me feel as though God was speaking directly to me and trying to help address the struggles I was facing with specific people in my life. I feel there is great deal of individuals in this world, some I have interacted with directly, some I have just been aware of, that protest their faith in the Lord, that want others to believe they have a faith based system, yet their actions do not support in anyway what the word of God or what he actually represents. Are any of us perfect, absolutely not, but there is a level of expectation when you are a person who professes faith and believe in his word and his teachings. There is an expectation of following, an expectation of loyalty, an expectation of effort, and most of all an expectation of behavior that is not blatantly hypocritical and defiant. ESPECIALLY when you are a person whom he has blessed greatly and abundantly…”for whom much is given much is expected”…that is his word and his law. However, it is very clear that there are people out there who believe there is nothing wrong with saying "oh yes, I believe in God and I have faith” and yet nothing they do in their everyday actions supports that and actually often times, completely contradicts it. True sacrifice is not sacrifice if you do not lose something while at the same time, gain nothing!

"What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister goes without clothes and food daily? If one of you says to them, “Go in peace, keep warm and well fed,” yet does nothing to help with the physical needs of their brother or sister, what good is that? In the same way, faith by itself, when it is not accompanied by ACTION, is dead”…But someone will say, “You have faith, I have deeds.” Show me your faith without deeds and I will show you my faith BY my deeds".

“Therefore you have no excuse, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things
“These are grumblers, malcontents, following their own sinful desires. They are loud-mouthed boasters, showing favoritism to gain advantage. They profess to know God, but they deny him by their works. They are detestable, disobedient, and unfit for any good work”

As I stated, true sacrifice is not done if you do not lose something while gaining nothing. So good deeds or deeds in the name of faith are not so when they are also done for recognition or acknowledgment from others.  It is also not sacrifice to write a check or read off your credit card number over the phone and it is not a sacrifice to share a link or a post on Facebook or forward an email. That is helping, it is not sacrafice. However, in regards to helping, I am also curious as to why we are so picky about who we will and will not help? Why only pick the organizations or groups or individuals in which there is already an affiliation? Why are we unable to step outside our comfort zone and bring awareness or assistance to something other than what we know already and/or what we feel will bring us the most acknowledgment?

Anyone who knows me, knows what a fan I am of quotes and during the last several months I have been bombarded (for lack of a better word) with input from outside forces in words of extreme negativity and sometimes blatant cruelty. Words that tore me to my soul because they attempted to call into question who I am as a mother, as a friend, as a wife, as a daughter, as a sister, pretty much as a human being. This has all caused me to do a lot of soul searching, wondering a great deal on things such as where I belong in this world, if I am even wanted and if so, by who, if what I am doing even matters, and if not, why continue doing it. I came upon this quote and for lack of sounding unbelievably cliché, it was one of those moments that felt like the heavens opened, rays of light started coming down, and the angels were singing. Once I read this quote, I felt this almost instant relief in myself, who I am, and what I have been doing more than half of my years on this planet. I cannot even begin to state how much this came at just the right time…

“It is NOT the critic who counts defeats nor is it the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is ACTUALLY in the arena! The man whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs, who comes short again and again. For there is no effort without error and shortcoming, but who does actually strive to do the deeds? Who knows great enthusiasm and great devotion? Who spends himself entirely for a worthy cause? Who at best knows that in the end there may be triumph of high achievement, but also knows at worst he fails yet if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly and that place shall NEVER be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat!!!"

I have also said numerous times in my life and will continue to say, that I am in no way a perfect person and I fail at the very least, at one thing every day, but usually more. However, you know something else? I am in the arena, every day!!! I am in there fighting, for myself, for my family, and for the children and families of hundreds more! My degrees and my education are my own because I fought for tooth and nail for every one of them. The awards of academic achievement I have are my own because I earned them. I stand toe to toe and nose to nose, every day with ugly, with disrespectful, with distasteful, with dishonorable, and sometimes with dangerous. I give a voice to children who do not have one of their own. I advocate aggressively day in and day out for them because I feel they deserve better than what we have given them. I have devoted over 20 years of my life to other people's children and will continue to do until I take my last breath. I work every day not only holding parents accountable for the role they decided to take, but also to empower and educate them because when you know better, you do better. I continue helping, educating, and counseling long after children are off my caseload with the parents and the kids. My job doesn't stop on the day of release and it sure as hell doesn't stop at 5:00p.m. or Friday afternoon. I have earned respect and admiration from others because of the hours upon hours I have spent training, educating myself, researching, and on the front lines. Not to mention when I have something to say, it is actually backed up by education and experience as opposed to being the regurgitated words of someone else. I have a level of intelligence that I have nearly killed myself to earn and I WILL NOT apologize for being bright, articulate, and knowledgeable as well as having the desire to share my life to help others nor will I apologize for truly wanting to change the world.

You know what I am not doing? I have not jumped onto the coat tails of another person pretending their sacrafices are mine as well. I am not basking in the light of someone else’s achievements. I am not married to or genetically related to the glory of another person's victory trying to convince the world that I am entitled to the same recognition and credit by mere default or association. I am not sitting behind a desk or on my couch pointing my finger of judgement at others, telling them how wrong they are and/or not good enough when I have yet to spend a single second of my life initiating a battle of any kind for any weaker person. I am not standing beside those who have actually worked, slaved, and endured with my chest puffed out trying to give others the illusion that I too struggled side by side in the trenches, while knowing all along, I was simply hiding behind the finish line, avoiding the war, never sacraficing anything, waiting for my right moment to jump out, take up with the crowd, and enjoy a place on platform during awards time! To put it bluntly, I am not fraud!

What I have FOUND at the end of my journey is people in my life who love me for me and would continue to do so even if I had nothing to give them. People who believe I am worthy of love and do not stand in judgment of me with every breath I take, every word I say, or every move I make.  People who find my intelligent, remarkable, giving, spiritual, and pure. People who are not constantly forcing me to justify myself or my actions because their only goal is to find something ugly in everything I do. The most important part is that those people actually KNOW me and regardless of what their opinion is, they would be entitled to it because they have taken the time to earn it by learning who I am as a human being as opposed to assuming it or hearing it from a 3rd party.

What I have LEARNED at the end of my journey is that I am no longer willing to accept or tolerate those that are not productive to myself, my husband, my children, or my life in general...Those that are not willing to treat me with decency and kindness...Those are not willing to accept that I am my own person who will not ever be nor want to be someone else and I am okay with that. I have learned that there is no reality, only perception and just because people don’t agree with my perception doesn’t make it any less valid, any less important, or that it has any less right to be heard. I have learned that nothing ever heels when you keep it covered it and I am not keeping anything covered up anymore to keep people happy, to keep the peace, or to keep them from being ugly to me!

What I know is that there is only one opinion of myself and my actions that I will any longer concern myself with or try to live up to...

The Face OF Domestic Violence: Part One

I have never been shy about the fact that I gained the title "teen mom" when I had my oldest as a teenager, but in reality, I guess I have never been shy about any part of my life. However, I did not realize the man I met in November of 1996 at 20 yrs. old would cause me to gain several other titles in life. I didn’t date a lot in high school and was not very social in general. I was the girl who was considered poor, unattractive, and overweight, which just made me a “nonfactor” in the typical social circles. So when this guy gave me attention, affection, and eventually love, I, like so many other young people, ran after it. In our first 18 months together we began dating, moved in together, got pregnant, got engaged, got married, had a baby prematurely, lost the baby, and then buried her. Within the next year, we moved, bought a home, moved again, I got pregnant again, and my mother passed away. Two weeks after my mother passed away, I went into labor with my second daughter, again prematurely, and she was born very sick. In less than two years after that, we had our first of three separations (the third was the last time) which left me living on my own with two children, for about four or five months. I moved back, got pregnant again and our son was born, also prematurely. So in less than five years, we had already experienced heartbreak and discourse that most people never see in a lifetime and we also had created monumental issues to overcome. To this point, our life would have been a lot for most secure, older, mature, established, stable couples to handle and here we were young, working class, emotionally struggling people. I wish I could say we had handled it well, but that was not the case, especially my husband.

Once we started dating, it was not hard to realize that he drank more than most, but the love and attention he gave me in the beginning was as blinding as driving into the sun at sunset. Needless to say, I didn’t give it much thought. There were many, many moments that I should have left before I even got pregnant and there after. The day we got married, I stood there knowing this was a journey that would end in divorce. I didn't know when, but I knew it none the less. Not a very comforting thought for a girl who is about 10 weeks away from bringing another life into the world, but to be perfectly honest, I was holding on to a much bigger thought than being married to a man I wasn't quite sure about. It was the fear of being "that girl". The girl who had two different children, with two different men. Most people might say there are worse things, but this was 90's and society at that time had not become so forgiving to such taboos. It was still a very cruel place and had in fact already been so cruel to that point, the reality was I just didn't think I was strong enough to take it.

The birth of our first daughter really seemed to be the catalyst that set everything into motion. Not only was she premature, but she had a rare heart defect. It was not something that neither of us had a family history of and couldn't have expected. Nor was it something that became noticeable until the minute she was born and needed to breath. Every human being requires certain arteries for carrying the carbonated blood into the heart so it can be replaced with oxygenated blood and then carried out of the heart, to the rest of the body. My daughter was lacking these arteries for making that exchange, so she was circulating mainly carbonated blood and the little oxygenated blood she had was what she gained from inside me. For those who don't know, carbonated blood is like acid on the inside of your body and she was basically being dissolved from the inside out (for lack of a better phrase). It was eating away at organs, muscle tissue, and would eventually makes it way to her brain. Needless to say she was in a great deal of pain so they simply gave her a lot of morphine while trying to figure out what to do. After several hours of discussion and debate that appeared to be going no where, I informed the doctors to turn the machines off and let her go. No matter what anyone thought or wanted to believe, she was suffering and I couldn't take it anymore. She lived for exactly four hours and I never got to hold her until after she was gone. She never took one breath...Never let out one cry...She never even opened her eyes...but I loved her all the same.

The second she came into this world, it created this domino effect that eventually lead to her death and regardless of what anyone thinks or wants to believe, none of it changes certain facts. That she was my child, that I carried her, that I gave birth to her, that I was the one who made the decision to stop her suffering, that I was the one in the room when her heart beat for the last time which is the most deafening silence a person can imagine, and that I was the one who held her for hours after she had passed away because it was the only chance I would ever have to hold her. So no, as much as everyone wants to feel they are entitled to an opinion about her birth or death or that their memory is on the same level as mine or her fathers, that is simply not the case.

I think dealing with the loss of a child is a lot for any person to bear, however living with the knowledge that your decision was the cause another human being losing their life takes it to a whole other level. I also feel deep down he blamed me all the remaining years we were together. After our daughter passed away, ignoring what he was like was no longer an option, at least not for me anyway and his intense behavior left little room for any type of grieving. My ex-husband had few coping skills for dealing with anxiety, stress, and/or trauma...usually avoiding, alcohol, and/or anger. He was a binge drinker. Not often in the beginning, but much more frequent towards the end. I will spare you the disgusting, self-image shattering details of the marriage itself other than to say, it was a long, painful, ten year chapter in my life and our marriage was any nightmare you watch women live through on made for TV movies. There was a lot of crying, infidelity, pain, hurt, hits, slaps, injuries, bruises, broken possessions, broken hearts, and broken promises. My life has always been pretty open so most of the stories I have shared with those who wanted to know, but some I have and always will keep to myself because...well because some images just shouldn't be forced if into even the darkest corners of one's mind and these I'm afraid would leave a lasting, undeserved mark.

I have no doubt that somewhere, in the last few empty places of my mind and heart, not yet tainted with the stench of an alcohol soaked fog that was my world, I had convinced myself if I could keep it all together, give the world the impression of perfection, then maybe even I to could make myself believe this horror story didn't exist, and eventually might even go away. It did not. If you have never been in a relationship such as this, you CANNOT understand it and CANNOT judge it. I was always the person who said I would NEVER let a man hit me and yet, there I was. I will say this about my ex-husband...he worked, every day, every week. He had the ability to be the kindest, sweetest, most attentive man, but he also had in him a demonic evilness I could not contain or fight. This creature that reminded me so much of the "Kraken" in Greek mythology. A monster that would stay contained until absolutely necessary, but once it was out, not even the God's themselves could stop it. My world was literally like being married to two people. Twice I did try to leave, moved out and twice I came back. You see, people always tell women in these situations “you deserve better”, “you shouldn’t let someone hit you”, and to be honest, we know that. We know we should not be treated this way, but we have to have what I call a “come to Jesus moment” and until it happens, we will never leave permanently. Mine was having a shotgun put in my mouth and told if I was not going to stay with him, I was not going to stay on this planet. It was not about the gun as much as realizing I have hit a point in my life where someone else has total control over me. The ability to decide whether a person lives or die is about the greatest control a person can have and even worse, I had given it to him. I knew it was time to get my life back. I didn’t make him drink, I didn’t make him say the things he did, I didn’t make him put his hands on me, but I was making a choice for my kids every day I continued to stay and that was no longer acceptable anymore.

Another highly misinformed statement made by friends and family is “just leave”. Leaving is not that easy, especially when you literally have little money and fewer options. What I did have though, was no matter what happened at home, I continued going to school and the day I graduated with my Bachelors, unbeknownst to him, I started looking for a job. Then I was lucky enough to find a job. I fled one October day while he was at work. I had in tow my three kids, our clothes, very little furniture. The heaviest part was my forever broken heart and fractured soul. They were both holding in ten years of emotional scars from words said that you cannot imagine and anger so great I think Jesus himself would be a little fearful. Forever to be there along with the physical scars and memories of several cracked ribs, a dislocated shoulder, a torn rotator cuff, numerous bruises, black eyes, busted lips. It was time to embrace my now single parent status.

Again I wish I could tell you that was the end of it and our next journey brought smooth sailing, but I can’t. In fact, in some ways it was worse. I could not get any lawyers to help me file for divorce without a $2000 retainer just to start it. That took about a year to get, but eventually my grandmother was able to loan me the money to get it started. Once I filed, he drug it out for another year. During those two years, he made sure to pay as many bills late or not at all as he could to ruin my credit because he knew I could not afford them. He also helped me become part of another group, the group that has been or is being stalked. For more than a year I put up with him calling non-stop, all hours of the day at night, at home and at my job. Him standing outside the windows of my house, specifically my bedroom, listening to phone calls. There were times I would be sitting on my porch and he would come walking out of the dark because he was hiding in my yard. He would drive by my house several times a night and/or just sit outside my house to see who came over. Many times he would try to follow me to see where I was going and there were even times I had to get people to intervene and block him. He broke into my house twice, went through my dresser, my cabinets, my closet. He broke into my car, broke all my CD’s, tore up papers, and basically trashed the car. Once he kicked in my door and kicked out the back window when two of my children were in the car and got glass all over them. I am sure many of you are thinking “call the cops”. I did. Once it took them two hours to show up (good thing I was not on the verge of death) and do nothing. Another time I was told there was nothing they could do to him because his name was on my car too so he could do whatever he wanted to it. It felt hopeless and lonely. It’s a constant lose, lose battle, but on April 6, 2006, I received my first step to becoming "Stacy" again. There was also another great monumental moment in those two years. He was served with divorce papers on 30th birthday. I simply sent him a text message that said, "you got my 20's, you can have 30's too!"

I tell people this story for many reasons, most importantly of which is to let women know there is an end. Up to two years after I left, I was still constantly second guessing myself… was it that bad, maybe he will change, maybe I can live with it. It was very hard, emotionally, financially, psychologically, physically. There were times I wasn’t sure how I was going to feed my kids. I even got into another relationship for about a year that was exactly like the one with my ex-husband, but time did pass and life did get easier. My teen baby graduated in June on a distinguished transcript, a 3.7 GPA, and is now in college. My preemie girl will be 14 this week. She is an excellent student and has the kindest soul. My preemie boy is 12. He loves to laugh, he loves to make others laugh, and he to loves to be loved. In 2007, I met a man who made all the wounds and scars a little easier to bear. A man who is much more than I deserve, but someone who I feel God specifically intended just for me. He is a man in every sense of the word…gentle, kind, loving, attentive, strong, and would never raise so much as an eyebrow at me and in 2010 we were married. If he had had his way, we would have been married much sooner, but I needed to make sure that I was as close to whole again as I could get because it was not fair to him to drag what would clearly have been more than baggage into another marriage. I also had to become okay again with the thought of being someone's wife. Seems easy enough for most, but after spending 10 years being "his wife", no longer having an identify of my own, then to work that hard to get it back, I just wasn't really ready to give it up I guess.

I also want women to understand that being in a domestic violence relationship does not IN ANY WAY mean your ceiling of achievement has been lowered. After I earned my Bachelors, I did go to graduate school and earned my first Master’s with a 3.9 GPA as well as several academic achievement awards. I am currently working on a second Master’s in which I currently have a 4.0 GPA. Some people may consider that bragging, but when only 1 out of 100 teen mothers ever earns a college degree and I have three (also have an Associates), soon to be four, I absolutely will brag.
My ex-husband is still fighting his own demons and we do not have much of a relationship. I would like to say that we can be civil and work towards what is best for the kids, but to say that we differ in what we feel is "best" for the kids would be an understatement. I would be lying if I said there is not a part of me that will always love the great side of him that I knew. I mean, he was the father of three of my children and I gave him an entire decade of my life. You can’t live that and walk away with no love. There is also a part of me that is and will always be angry with him. Angry for robbing my children of the father they deserved to have and still is, angry for taking away the life I worked so hard to build, and angry for choosing alcohol over his children and his wife. I hope and pray regularly he gets help and gets himself together. He is making choices that currently are and will have a lasting impact on his relationship with his children, but again, that is his cross to bear. I have put in my time.

We all know hindsight is 20/20 so while I can say there are certain choices I would have done differently, I can’t say I “regret” all of it because if I did, I wouldn’t have my wonderful children. I am not a perfect person and I know I made my share of contributions to that marriage, but I also know I was a good wife. A wife he took the kids to work with her every day. A wife who worked full time, even up until the day she had all the kids and went back two weeks later with each. A wife who did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, money management, and a great deal of yard work. A wife who did all this while going to school also. I have always been an insecure person with little to no self-esteem, and no self-confidence. Those qualities can be draining on a person and a relationship and I admit that. There is no question that living nightmares such as this and others that we may go through, will leave wounds as deep as trenches in your soul. Some that may never heal and anyone who tells you to “get over it” or “stop acting like a victim” I can promise you is not someone you will want in your life. This is not something you will walk away from as the same person you were, but you can be whole again.

We make plans and God laughs. I never planned to have chapters in my life story that included such horror and pain. I am hopeful that one day my life will actually be a book because that is one of my own personal goals. It is also part of the reason it has been so easy for me to keep my life as an open book. I have been told many times, judged many times, by many people, that I need to not be so open and share so freely. There is a great deal of pain, mistreatment, and actions that occurred even before I met my ex-husband that I have not shared them here, but have shared them with others. Some have said that not only is it too much for people to take, but I should choose my words more wisely because they fear others would judge me unfairly. This statement just makes me laugh. While I do have my share of life secrets, it doesn't change the fact that I am just a girl from a trailer park, who grew up not having a lot, in a home with it's fair share of chaos and anger, to parents who didn't always make the best choices and eventually divorced, only to become a teen mom myself, then marry a man who would become an abusive alcoholic, and then on to being a single mom of three. My life SCREAMS judgment. I have been judged since the day I entered any type of social arena and ever since. However, in addition to all that, I am also someone who has kept trying to further her education, is highly intelligent, works in the professional world, has raised extremely bright, intelligent, polite, respectful children. Unfortunately the nature of the beast demands we typically only "judge on the negative". Well to that I say, I didn't have any control over who my parents were, the type of people they were, their income, where I grew up, or the choices they made. I also didn't have any control over my daughter dying, my husband's drinking, or his choices. Your childhood has everything to do with where you come from, but it has nothing to do with where you are going and those were events, not who I am. The things I could control, I think I have done quite well with. While I do wish people would get to know me as a person and not me as my past, it doesn't usually happen which is really okay when you think about it. I mean, do you really want judgmental, egotistical, arrogant, holier than thou, "I am the center of the universe" type of people in your life?

My life is something that tends to shock people. It is filled with most of the ugliness that society wants to believe never happens in real life, to real people, and as long as they don’t believe, as long as they pretend it’s not there, they don’t have to be accountable for their denial. This brings me to my final reason for sharing. Domestic Violence is very real. It was very real for me as it is for so many others. This is article is part one of two and in the second part I will be providing information about what to look for, statistics, how to get out, etc. I wanted people to first understand just how real and raw it is as opposed to just throwing out some numbers and facts. Put a face to it, my face. Chances are you know someone who is, was, or could be soon in such a relationship. Those people have another face too, not just the one we see. I was lucky enough to make it out and thrive so if by sharing my life and my story, even one woman is able to find her inner strength and save herself, then as far as I am concerned, people can continue to be as shocked as they want because I am not going anywhere.

It could just be me, but I feel like almost every story out there of people coming from turmoil and tragedy has them ending up in great success, great fame, great fortune. To me, that creates this false sense within people that every person with these experiences are going to end up with some multimillion dollar deal. While I still have hope that Bradley and I will get to a place of being more comfortable , my story does not have such a monetarily glamorous ending. I am an average person, living an average life. There are still things, specifically financial, that we are trying to clean up, things from before and during my marriage, including things that taint amount to fraud committed in my name by others. Then in my divorce, I was naive and trusted others which cost me greatly. While I fail at something every day, I continue to grow, survive, and succeed every day. Do I have a big fancy house, no. Do have numerous zeros in my bank account, nope. Do I own several cars, go on shopping sprees, or go on tons of fabulous vacations, I do not. I have something much better. A story that has landed in a place with three healthy, happy kids, with a husband who makes me his world, with goals and dreams I am going to achieve, with a few, close, wonderful people who take me as me and nothing more. Most importantly, I have peace. I don’t cry every day. I am not afraid every day. I don’t worry every day. My story is far from over and I still have hurts that are healing, but I continue to work on the best version of me every day.

"Pain is not something you can avoid forever...it is something you have to go through...to get through"...Stacy Dennis

The Face Of Domestic Violence: Part Two

The majority of this article contains the warning signs of an abusive relationship, the effects it can cause on the victims and the children, partner violence among teens, medical and economic cost, and some statistics associated with this epidemic that I found extremely interesting. There are also some more examples from my experience.  Please believe from the beginning, my intention is in no way to offend any person. The intention is the same as when I share any of my stories…that maybe some of the things revealed in my life, will save/help someone else. I also apologize for the length. It has been a chore trying to decrease it and I have taken a great deal out, but I just felt the rest of the information was necessary.

Being involved in these relationships can be absolutely draining emotionally, psychologically, physically, and even financially, but another big negative is what it does to your relationships with family and friends. Typically, the aggressor in these situations really do not want you have contact with outside sources he does not control obviously because while they have no problem hurting you, they don’t actually want others to know about it. So if he controls the contact you have, there is less chance people will know. In my case he would do things like flirt with my friends and make me feel as though leaving me for them could be a possibility. Naturally I would not want them around. Being told enough times you can’t make it on your own and no one else will ever love you, can leave you with little self-esteem and enormous insecurities.

He would also say things about my family, “paranoia seeds” as I called them and before too long I would hear or see them things from them that my mind would twist. There is no reality, only perception, and sometimes that perception is fragile.  When you do start to pull away from family or friends, some see it as you just not wanting anything to do with them and/or you are avoiding them on purpose, which usually is not the case. Living within this lifestyle carries a great deal of shame. It’s agonizing to let people into a world where you are being subjected to beatings, verbal abuse, threats, control, and overall maltreatment. You fear judgment, pity, avoidance, or worse, being ignored all together. Outsiders don’t really have the ability to wrap their brain around why you would stay and endure such agony, but when you are on the outside of anything, the answers are always very black and white! 

My older sister was the one person who always knew me better than anyone else and there was no ability to keep a secret from her so trying to hide this would have been impossible.  As my marriage progressed our relationship got more and more distant, till eventually, non-existent. None of this was really due to anything she had done. This was just not a world I wanted her to be a part of nor did I want her to know I was a part of it, but I also needed to give myself a reason to close off such an important person in my life. In the beginning I would find little things, blow them up in my mind, and well, if you tell yourself anything enough, you start to believe it. Time does take all though and before I knew it, 10 years with my sister was gone. Now, five of those years occurred after my divorce, but the person I was after my divorce was a shell of the person I was when she knew me. A great deal of healing had to occur within myself for so many reasons. I also admit, part of me was scared. Scared she would hate me, scared she wouldn’t understand, scared she would not love me as the person I am. However, a couple years ago, I just picked up the phone one day and called her and it was amazing, as though the last time we had talked had just been the day before. I will never get those years back or those lost memories, but we plan to take full advantage of the opportunity now to make new ones!

There is a strong misguided belief that the only victims of partner violence are ones who fit a certain criteria i.e. females of a lower economic status, who have low self-esteem. Please believe this is pure myth. Those who are in fact at the most risk for partner violence is…EVERYONE! Every person regardless of social class, religion, culture, race, sex, origin, sexual orientation, or age has the potential to be a victim. Males or females can be perpetrators or targets of abuse and it can happen in either straight or same-sex relationships. With that being said, the percentage of female victim is much higher than males (85% are females), males can still be victims of violence, and statistically women 16 to 24 are at a greater risk than other groups. There are also no specific features that make up abusers. They are not just physically intimidating, “scary looking” souls who lurk in the dark. You actually can never tell by a first glance. Some may have grown up in abusive homes while others could have had healthy, connected family relationships. The entire unpredictable nature of this epidemic is the very reason EVERY person should be educated about it.

Warning Signs And Psychological Effects:

The actual definition of a domestic violence relationship is: A pattern of abusive behavior in an intimate or romantic relationship (married, unmarried, living together, dating, with kids, without kids) where one person chooses to control the relationship through force, intimidation, and/or fear and that abuse can be physical, verbal, emotional, and/or sexual. It can be subtle or extreme and gone untreated and ignored, the abuse WILL ONLY GET WORSE. These relationships are more than an argument every once in a while and since every relationship is different it’s often hard for most to tell when it may have crossed “that line”. There are very specific signs you can look for, but please remember, every sign DOES NOT have to be present to be considered abusive. Does your partner:

• Check your cell phone or email without your permission?
• Are they constantly putting you down or degrading you?
• Do they exhibit extreme jealousy or insecurities about your relationship?
• Do they have an explosive temper?
• Do they try to isolate you from family or friends?
• Are they consistently making false accusations directed at you?
• Do they exhibit frequent and severe mood swings
• Are you being physically hurting you in ANY WAY?
• Are they possessive of you and your time?
• Are you always being told what to do?
• Is there repeated pressure for you to have sex?

The only thing on the above list my ex-husband did not exhibit was in regards to cell phones only because back then, they were not a big deal, but the level of anger he could display was unlike any I had ever seen (I will say it typically involved alcohol).  Another that specifically hits home was being pressured for sex. He believed as his wife, it was my duty, and anytime he wanted it or expected it, it should not be an issue and one Sunday, it was the very issue fired him up. The kids were awake, they wanted to eat, and I didn’t think it was appropriate, but that is not the answer he wanted. I tried to go make breakfast and was wearing one of those thick, college sweatshirts with a hood. He grabbed the hood and jerked it so hard it ripped the material down the front about 10-12 inches. Not only choking me, but it hurt like hell. I was sitting in the floor crying and he brought my children in the room, lined them up, pointed at me, and said “don’t ever grow up to be like that b*tch, a crying, whining, worthless piece of sh*t”.  In my mind, this was the world of every wife, right? That was not the end of the fight and it actually went on most of the day. That particular Sunday was my birthday.

You might also be saying to yourself, “I am not in an abusive relationship because I have not been hit”, however abuse is not always physical. Some people only use emotional abuse, controlling you by destroying your self-esteem, making you feel worthless, etc. This abuse can actually be much harder to pinpoint, but it is no less devastating and has just as many consequences for the victim. The following is a list of characteristics of an emotionally abusive relationship. Does your partner:

• Continuously degrade or belittle you, criticize you, call you names, or shout at you?
• Utilize economic power or money to control you?
• Continuously threaten to leave you?
• Make you afraid with certain looks, gestures, or actions?
• Always smash or break things around the house?
• Control you through minimizing, denying, and blaming you for the problems?
• Make light of the abuse and/or not take your concerns about it seriously?
• Always emotionally degrade you in private, but act very charming in public?
• Humiliate you in private or public?
• Withhold approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment.

I can’t even begin to calculate the amount of money spent on things he broke regularly during a temper tantrum…picture frames, windows, furniture, cordless phones… I remember one of his favorite games when he was mad about something I did was to refuse to talk to me, come near me, or give me any type of affection until he decided I “deserved it”. Anytime I broke the rules by trying to talk to him or anything else, he would say “that’s another day”. Sometimes this went on for so long and I would become so lonely, I would literally end up begging, crying, and pleading with him to make it end. Making me cry was an especially fun thing for him because he always laughed at me when I did, telling me what a f’n crybaby I was, how pathetic I was, how embarrassing it was for him to be married to me. The truly shocking part was how so many refused to believe he was capable of such acts. Even when he tore my rotator cuff and dislocated my shoulder, the response I got from some was “what did you do to make him mad”.  If you have a friend or family member in one of these relationships, it very important to remember the psychological turmoil they go through daily is grueling and people need to avoid adding to it by being overly critical or judgmental about their life and choices.

Women in these relationships are at their most vulnerable when/if they separate from their partner and the second most vulnerable group are those who actually divorce. These two facts are also responsible for discouraging most women from leaving their abusive partner because naturally they are afraid the terror and trauma will only increase. I don’t know if having this knowledge would have persuaded me to not leave, but at the very least I think I could have been more prepared when I did.

It's not a secret that some of these cases end in tragedy for the victim and sometimes for the children involved. Family and friends need to be very aware of this possibility because obviously if it comes to this point, it will be too late to help. The characteristics that can significantly increase the risk of a person being killed by an intimate partner abuser are:

• The abuser having access to a gun and has made previous threats or assaults with a gun.
• Threats of murder.
• Forceful sex.
• Previous attempts to strangle the victim.
• Being extremely jealous.
• Physical violence has increased in severity and/or frequency.
• Drugs or alcohol abuse.
• There is a child in the home who is not biologically related to the offender.
• The offender is stalking the victim.
• The victim was abused during pregnancy.
• The offender is unemployed.

The list of the most common characteristics of offenders who perpetrate domestic violence that could end in murder/suicides:

• There is a prior history of family violence.
• The offender has access to a gun.
• The offender has made threats, especially increased threats with increased specificity.
• Prior history of poor mental health or substance abuse, especially alcohol.
• A prior history of family violence represents the greatest risk factor for domestic violence related murder/suicide.

For those who are legally married, there are a few things I feel are EXTREMELY important should they be considering divorce. My ex-husband and myself owned a home together, shared credit cards, and other debts. I didn’t really know anything about credit because I had never been taught about it so I believed by paying thousands of dollars to separate my life from his, that was all that was necessary. Although the final divorce decree listed what each party was responsible for (in regards to debts accumulated during the marriage), it was still pretty much useless.  I can’t speak for every state, but Texas does not care what is written on a piece of paper in regards to credit or loans. If your name is on something, YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE and divorce means NOTHING as far as debt collectors are concerned. My ex-husband has gotten behind on the mortgage for years and every late/non-payment has affected my credit since the day I left. He was ordered to refinance the home within 60 days of the divorce and I was not even aware he had not done that until we tried to buy our own home. We were told no because our salaries don’t support two mortgages. We have talked to lawyer, we have talked to the mortgage company, and we have even sent a copy of the divorce decree to all three major credit institutions in Texas. I even did all the refinancing work for him so all he had to do was go down, sign some papers, and still he would not do it. That one piece of control he is not willing to give up. Years ago, he stopped paying on two of the credit cards he was responsible for and again, they came after me. Just to help save my credit, we paid off his two debts while still paying our own. Recently, 7 years after our divorce was final, I have been getting calls from other credit card companies wanting the accounts brought current because for whatever reason, the payments are not being made. Now, I know there are people in my life who have wondered why I don’t have a home of my own (or other material things) since I have a Master’s degree and my husband also has a degree. I know this because of comments that have been made to me and about me to others. This is one of the many reasons I say don’t judge what you don’t know because the reason is due to the things I have stated and has NOTHING to do with an inability to manage our money or pay our debts.  As far as other material things, what is deemed “necessary” or “important” is all a matter of opinion and there are a lot of things, I don’t find necessary.

The above information is really applicable to anyone who finds themselves getting divorced period, not just those who are divorcing because of domestic violence. You have to ensure you protect yourself. If you own a home and you will be keeping it, get it refinanced in your name. That way if you ever happen to sell it, your ex cannot try to claim proceeds or even contest the sale. If you are not going to stay in the home, again, get it refinanced so you don’t end up in my situation. The same is true of credit cards. If you are not the primary on the card, you can typically have your name removed by whoever is, however if you are the primary on the card, then unfortunately it will be your debt. If that happens, you need to make sure you and you alone have control of that card so you can control the charges on it as well as when the payments are made.  

Violence Among Teens:

There are many words we would associate with being a teenager, but most of us would never associate words like beatings, control, restraining orders, death.  However, dating violence among teens is also a tragic casualty of life that is happening way more than we think. This age group also holds no discrimination towards who can become a victim or abuser.

At least 40% of students 14 to 17 and 20% of those 13 to 14 stated they know at least one person in their age group who had been hit, slapped, or punched by their dating partner, 62% of teens 11 to 14 said they had friends who had been verbally abused, and 1/3 of those 15 to 19 who are murdered each year in this country are a result of dating violence. There was a national study conducted which showed half of all teenagers wish they had more information about abuse. So clearly, the kids want to be educated, clearly they need to be educated, what are we waiting on?

There was another survey completed involving more than 4,000 high school students and the results were pretty shocking.  About 1 in 5 girls reported physical and/or sexual abuse by a dating partner. It indicated when sexual abuse was present, there was usually physical abuse as well. Girls who reported abuse were also 4 to 6 times more likely than their peers to have been pregnant, whether they gave birth or terminated the pregnancy. There is also a growing trend of the abuser in these teen relationships impregnating their partner on purpose.  Also, girls who are victims are much more likely than their peers to develop a pattern of being involved in relationships containing forms of violence, become sexually active at a young age and possibly with multiple partners, develop a substance abuse problem, develop unhealthy weight control habits, struggle with severe depression, and/or have suicidal thoughts or actions.

Affects On Children:

In households of domestic violence, 38% contain female victims with children less 12 and 21% contain male victims with children less than 12. Over the course of their lives, 57% of youth who witnessed violence between parents or other adult caregivers had also been abused or maltreated in some way as opposed to the 11% of abused children who had not witnessed any violence.

General studies have found a 30-60% overlap between the issues developed in children who were victim of only child abuse and victims of only domestic violence. These parallel issues include:

• Trauma-related anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.
• Persistent issues with engaging in fighting, bullying, lying, cheating, and disobedience.
• Extreme difficulty in relationships with others, romantic or otherwise.
• Poor school performance.
• Attitudes that will lead to violent behavior as well as being more likely to engage in violence in the community.
• Pre-school children may suffer from persistent bed-wetting, nightmares, post-traumatic stress symptoms, allergies, asthma, gastrointestinal problems, headaches, and flu.
• Adolescents are more likely to attempt suicide, abuse drugs or alcohol, run away from home, engage in delinquent behavior or prostitution, and commit sexual assault crimes.

The impact an abuser can have upon a child is tremendous, especially when dealing with an abuser who plays a significant role in the child’s life. Children live what they learn. Male children who are subjected to a home where the father figure is committing acts of violence against a woman are highly likely to grow up believing this treatment of women is acceptable and girls may grow to believe this is how they are supposed to be treated and will therefore allow it. These effects may be minimized or buffered with the presence of a protective adult within the home and/or outside it and also if the child possesses their own positive coping skills.

Healthcare/Medical Costs:

The overall healthcare cost in the U.S. associated with domestic violence and/or partner violence reaches amounts of $5.8 billion each year.  From that amount, almost $4.1 billion goes directly towards medical and mental health care of victims and almost $1.8 billion is used for the indirect costs of lost productivity and/or wages.

Within the group of abuse victims, 40-50% report receiving injuries during an assault by their partner and these injuries account for over 200,000 Emergency Room visits each year. Women are also far more likely than men to be murdered by their intimate partner, to be exact 3 out of 4 victims killed due to domestic violence are women.

Another issue faced by those who have been a victim (including children) of intimate partner violence is the long physical and/or mental effects on their health.  They are more likely to experience things such as frequent headaches, gastrointestinal problems, depression, anxiety, sleep problems, and/or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Economic Effects of Intimate Partner Violence:

We have experienced a huge economic downturn and while this issue is not the cause of domestic violence, it can create a stressful home environment conducive to domestic violence occurring as well as reducing the means in which a victim may be able to leave. In fact, domestic violence is 3X more likely to occur when couples are experiencing high levels of financial strain and women whose male partner experienced 2 or more periods of unemployment during a five year period, were 3X more likely to be subjected to violence as opposed to those whose male partners held a steady job. Domestic Violence also contributes to the loss of approximately 32,000 jobs, each year in the U.S.

Currently in the U.S., about 25% of the homeless females report domestic violence is the cause.  

Based upon statistics from the National Law Center on Homelessness and Poverty cites, at least 50% of women participating in Temporary Assistance to Needy Families (TANF) have experienced domestic violence (at least 25% of them had experienced violence within the past year) and this number is more than double the percentage of the general population.

Domestic Violence Facts and Statistics (occurring in the U.S):

• 6,668 military personal were killed in Afghanistan and Iraq…11,766 women were killed during the same time period due to domestic violence.
• 24 people per minute experience intimate partner violence.
• 18,700 people are killed annually during workplace violence incidents that are a result of current or past intimate partner assaults.
• 270% is how much the likelihood increases a woman will die from partner violence if the abuser has access to a gun.
• 1 in 3 high school girls experience violence in a dating relationship.
• $37 billion is the annual combined cost for emergency care, legal costs, police work, and lost productivity due to domestic violence.
• 1 in 45 men and 1 in 12 women will be stalked in their lifetimes and 90% of the stalkers are known to the victim.
• 1 in every 325 households experiences intimate partner violence.
• On average a victim will be hit 35 times before they make even one police report.

In closing I want to share, what I feel is one of the most important stories in history about women and domestic violence:

On June 10, 1983, Tracy Thurman was attacked by her estranged and abusive husband Charles “Buck” Thurman after her numerous attempts to secure protection from local police in Torrington, Connecticut went  unheeded. Though she called the police for help when Buck initially arrived and although she had a restraining order in place, there was no response for more than 45 minutes. By the time they arrived, Buck had beat Tracy, kicked her repeatedly in the head while wearing work boots, jumped on her spine, and stabbed her 13 times in the chest, face, neck, and shoulders, including a long, deep laceration from her mouth to her ear. Part of this attack took place with police officers on the scene, watching, because they were unsure of what to do. Tracy suffered injuries so great they left her permanently scarred, partially paralyzed losing 80% of her motor skills, and she spent 7 months in the hospital. She was only 22 at the time. The attack that day on Tracy was not the first time she had been attacked and beaten by her husband. There were multiple complaints against Charles, among them, restraining orders that had been dismissed. In 1985, Tracy won a $2.3 million settlement against the city of Torrington, CT as well as two dozen police officers. 

Due to the court case and it’s coverage by the national news, the need for awareness of domestic violence escalated across the country. The "Thurman Law" was passed by the state of Connecticut first, which ordered any accusation of domestic violence resulted in an immediate arrest, REGARDLESS of whether or not the other party wished to press charges. This law was a great step for victims of domestic violence, but there will always be a need for continuous education, tolerance, compassion, and understanding. Friends and family of an abuser also need to realize that people who commit domestic violence do so because they CHOOSE to, not because they can't stop themselves. Putting your hands on another person and/or bringing harm to them through your words, is a CHOICE! Making excuses or blaming the victim is not only going to do more harm to the victim, any children involved, but it just enables the abuser to continue making the same choices and avoid getting help.  Victims also need to work towards understanding there is NOTHING you can do or say to deserve being abused and the abuse is NEVER your fault. Trust me, I know that is easier said than done. Plain and simple, everyone has the right to have safe and healthy relationships and to not live in fear!

I hope you enjoyed the information. For those who may be getting abused by their partner and are looking for help, please visit http://www.thehotline.org/  or you can call (800)799-SAFE!