The First Three Years: Leveling the Playing Field

In 1964 Lyndon Johnson created legislation declaring a “War On Poverty”. One of the many programs to come from that legislation was called “Head Start” and began in 1965. It was originally designed as a summer school "catch up" program to help low income children learn, in a short amount of time, what they needed to begin school. The Head Start Act was established in 1981 which expanded the program and it was again restructured in 2007. This program is the longest running program U.S. history, of it's kind. It's overall goal has always been to fight the effects of systematic poverty on children, specifically in regards to their overall academic achievement. Research has showed that children who grow up in low income or poverty stricken environments tend to enter school with a gap in their language develop compared to that of their peers from higher income environments, a 30 million word gap to be exact. This meant that by the time these children were of school age, they had been exposed to about 30 million less words in their life. Therefore, these programs were designed to help broaden the language base of these children. Researchers obviously believed that by adequately funding such programs, and developing specific, individualized plans, we could close that gap dramatically.

However, two psychologists, Betty Hart and Todd Risley, came to a startling realization after looking into the efficacy of these programs. While they were managing to help some of these children avoid entering into a poverty level lifestyle as adults as well as avoid becoming involved in criminal activity, these interventions that our government was funding to the tune of $7 billion dollars a year were doing little for increasing academic success. These programs that appeared to be well ran, and generously funded were producing minimal results in regards to literacy rates, vocabulary skills, and had absolutely no impact on math skills for 3 and 4 year olds.

Let's be clear, their realization in NO WAY involved the development, implementation, or execution of these programs. The issue fell solely with what I have been saying for over 20 years..that timing is the key! Meaning these children were receiving the interventions too late! These children from low SES environments were becoming lodged in an intellectual rut way before they ever began attending Head Start. In fact, it was occurring before they reached the age of 3. Therefore these two scientists asked themselves the question that has plagued development for hundreds of years, "Does the obstacle we face life within genetics or the environment?" Their published report, "The Early Catastrophe" explains how they discovered the strongest indicator for impact on development was the environment, specifically parental interaction and parenting styles. Anyone who knows me, will also tell you this too is something I have agreed with throughout my entire career. I have always felt that that the situation in which a child was raised and the parental exposure they had would vastly outweigh any genetic upload they possessed.

This work is ground breaking and should sound an alarm for parents everywhere. Their studies show that the level at which children are performing academically at the age of 3 is STRONGLY indicative of their achievement levels at the ages of 9 and 10. The first three years of life are a period of incredible growth in all areas of development. The groundwork for who are children can become, emotionally, physically, academically, socially, will be laid in these first few years. While that doesn't mean that changes cannot occur after that, it does mean that as parents we have to be diligent and proactive about what and who we expose are children to, because parental influence is ultimately what will define them. As research has mounted, we have obviously gained extensive knowledge in regards to the development children. We even know now that development can be affected before conception by the way people take care of themselves i.e. their lifestyles, eating habits, stress levels, etc. Children are human sponges in the early years and have the capacity to learn infinite amounts of information so I feel it's our job as the parents to be good stewards of that responsibility.

With that being said, I would also like to note that these first three years are by no means a "use or lose it period" meaning if your child is older than that, it's not too late for them. Nor am I saying that once your child is three, your work is done. There is still PLENTY of work to be done after and PLENTY of change that can and will happen. The overall goal here is just to help kids, as I said, get off to the best start possible, but more than anything, to assist parents from low SES and poverty level environments see there's no need to feel less than or even hopeless because they don't have access to expensive/extensive resources. It's no secret that children who come from these environments have tremendous struggles and this is so because their parents, educational systems, and communities are sharing in those same struggles. Now, while I am not going to be able to bring change to those issues overnight, what I can do is make a few parents feel a little more empowered.  So while money does tend to make a situation easier, there are choices that can be made in any income bracket that have the potential to produce positive effects...which I am going to share.

This article is the first in a series that will discuss topics such as electronics and the developing mind, day care/pre-school options, things that can be done in the home, the importance of reading to your child and by the adult, parenting styles, and my personal favorite, why spanking shouldn't be the only tool in your tool box or there at all, as well as some other ideas! As always I hope you enjoyed this article and will stick around for the ones to follow. Also if there are any topics you would like to share or that you would like to read about, please let me know!

"Mother's Day For The Woman Who Has Lost Her Mother and Her Child"

Today is the day when we celebrate mother's everywhere...all kinds and all types. We cheer their accomplishments, acknowledge their sacrifices, but most of all, we celebrate with them their greatest joy, their children. This day has always been difficult for me, as I am sure it is for many. For myself, there are a couple of things specifically that make it difficult. The first being that my oldest daughter passed away about six weeks before Mother's Day in 1998 and my mother passed away the following year, two weeks before her birthday and two weeks before the birth of my second daughter.

I've always been a person that speaks my truth and has never been afraid to do so. However, speaking the truth will without fail always anger certain people. They will usually in turn try to convince others that you're a liar and essentially "you are/were the problem". I don't care. I don't care because I feel there are so many things that need to be said out loud. Part of the problem society is failing is families having entirely too many secrets, having too many behind the door and behind the back conversations, and families leaving too many important things unsaid all together.

My mother struggled with alcoholism for so many years. It's not by any means who she was or the most important part of her, but it was a the part that ultimately took her from those that loved her. I, like most people, always thought there would be more time, but there wasn't. Not only did I lose her, but I lost her with no resolution...getting no answers to my questions.  I felt for a long time like she chose her addiction over me and that feeling spearheaded a great deal of bitterness, which became my cross to bear. For such a long time I was incredibly angry with my mom. I had endless questions with no answers going all the way back to when I was a child. My mother and I never had what most people would consider the typical "mother and daughter" relationship. There were no close moments of conversation, wise words to carry throughout life, I don't even remember her every telling me she loved me, but I know she did, a great deal. What we did have were jokes...lol...my mother and I shared a lot of laughs, witty banter, and sarcastic barbs, that is what we were good at. Nothing to deep, nothing too serious, but that was okay because what we did have was ours.

Over the years since her passing, the anger has changed to understanding...time has a way of doing that. Experience and education, of course, also bring wisdom. There has also been two people in my life who have helped tremendously, my Aunt Sam and my Grandmother. Never once have they been anything but compassionate, never said ugly things about or to me, never decided they knew more about what went on between myself and my mother than I did. They did what we all should do. Accept that when it comes to family relationships they are personal, not public. They are all based upon the interactions and memories between those TWO people and any information a third party receives is going to be one sided. Why some people feel they have the right to conclude what someone had with another person and that they somehow have more information than the two actually involved, will always baffle me.

My Aunt Sam and my Grandmother gave me something incredibly precious, they gave me what I had never had the opportunity to gain...the ability to know my mother before we lost her. My mother was a tremendously beautiful soul. She loved God, photography, and windmills. She was smart and my goodness the woman could cook. Unfortunately, like so many of us, she was damaged. She had her own demons and sadly, she succumb to her demons only after years and years of putting up the good fight, but she meant so very much to so many and that's what really counts.

There will always be within me that feeling that I should have done more, that I could have done more, but not only have I forgiven her, I have forgiven myself. Let me tell you, forgiveness is not for the weak. It takes no effort to be bitter, to be judgmental, and to be angry. At the end of the day NO ONE, but my mother and myself knows what occurred between us, knows the exchanges we had, and the memories we made, both good and bad, NO ONE. It's beyond presumptuous for anyone to stand in judgment of the relationship of another. To act as though they have some vested interest in it and in turn are entitled to hold any sort of an opinion. Please don't do that.

I write this for a few reasons, the most important one being to say that REGARDLESS of the opinion held by some, I LOVED my mother. People can ignore me, they act as though I don't exist, but no amount of exclusion will EVER change the fact that I WAS and will always be her daughter...that we look and act just like each other...that I AM my mother and am proud of that fact!

I write this to say, please stay out of relationships that don't involve you. Outside opinions, accusations, and assumptions do NOTHING but create more problems, more drama, and more nonsense. What we should all do is learn to practice a long forgotten word...RESPECT. Respect where they are with someone may not be where you are and that's because their experiences are different than yours! Respect that you don't have a clue about the truth of what has gone on between them. Respect that they need to repair and reconcile this in their own time and their own way.

Another reason is to say, please don't take time for granted. If you have a conflict with someone, regardless of who it is, mend it. There are those things that are beyond correction and I accept that. There are people who are so toxic that having them in your life is impossible, but if it can be repaired, I encourage you to do so. There are millions of us facing this day without our child(ren) or without the child they long for. Some of us are doing it with the heavy heart of unfinished business. I wish on no one to have to visit their parent and/or their child in a cemetery on this day and I will be visiting both, if you have never had to face this day doing those things, please don't judge someone else's journey.

I  may not have ever been able to know the true person my mother was, but here is what I do know. I have her face and it's a face my husband and children love...for that I thank her. My oldest son loves the outdoors and my grandmother will tell you, I HATE it which means my mom gave that to him...for that I thank her. I am incredibly strong willed and do not easily accept the phrase "you can't" and from what I know, that was a quality my mother had...for that I thank her. More than anything, for all our missteps and wrong turns, she gave me life...for that I thank her!

(My Mother)

(From left to right, my mother, myself, and my daughter)