This "Two" Shall Pass...

The “terrible two’s” reference the ages of 12-36 months. We use this term because children tend to act up more and become more demanding during this time. Parents also feel the behavior presents itself most with an audience such as in public. They feel the child is almost waiting to be around others and in a certain sense, they are. During this age, children are trying to push their boundaries and challenge their limits. They not only want to see the how and why of things, but they also want to see reactions from others. As hard as it is to accept, this is all part of their normal develop, but it can be gotten through:


Normal Development:
Toddlers are at an age when they no longer want to be in one place. They’re learning to walk, talk, and explore their environment. During this course of exploration it would make sense to think they would at some point challenge their environment. However, since parents see their children as cute and adorable, they find it hard to tell them no, but as parents it’s our job to teach our children right from wrong. Beginning at the minute of birth, children are living sponges who soak up all the information we give them as well as become thinking, rationalizing people. If parents consistently give in to their children, they’re unable to learn boundaries, inappropriate behaviors, and the consequences for those behaviors. They need to understand from the beginning what is okay and what is not. Letting something slide once, but trying to consequence for the same behavior later, will only lead to confusion for the child. NO means NO and don’t be afraid to stand your ground.


Avoiding Temptation:
Toddlers don’t inherently know what’s dangerous or harmful for them. For example, they don’t know pulling on a dog’s ear may cause them to get bit and some medications aren’t candy. Our first job as parents is to keep our children safe so it’s best practice to keep harmful and dangerous objects out of sight. Even though they understand no, as with any age child, it doesn’t always mean they are going to listen. We all have seen that when a toddler gets something in their hand, the first place it goes is their mouth. Since children at this age are constantly exploring their environment, it’s just best practice they not learn certain lesions through trial and error.


Discipline:
Toddlers often want what they want, when they want it, and don’t do well having to wait for it. So if they feel there’s a chance they can get it themselves, they‘ll take matters into their own hands. This in turn, can lead to pulling on cords, pulling on curtains, or even tipping over chairs and bookcases. As stated before, this is an exploration time for the child so while you want to make sure you redirect the dangerous exploration, you also don’t want to discipline too strongly, too often, or for every single thing they do. The end result will be instilling fear into the child as opposed to discouraging the behavior. You may also risk teaching them strength and overpowering are the ways to solve a dispute. Simply be clear with the toddler when you explain the dangers to them and it goes without saying, given the young age of the child, you‘ll have to do this several times. Don’t be surprised if your child challenges you and tries to question everything. Your reactions to the challenge will help them draw their own conclusions about whether or not what they are doing is favorable or unfavorable.


There are certain behaviors where’s there’s no question about whether or not discipline is necessary for the purposes of safety and in an effort to teach them this behavior is unacceptable. These behaviors include hurting themselves, hurting someone else, doing something that could be dangerous to themselves or someone else, harming an animal, and being destructive
Some other behaviors that will require immediate action by the parent are verbal confrontation, kicking, screaming, temper tantrums, running off, throwing things, spitting, and bullying others. Sometimes offering choices to the child can prove useful, but if you feel the child is being intentionally defiant, then you may have to make the choice for them. For example, if they hurt another child during play and refuse to apologize, then you may need to remove them from the play group as a consequence. Some other things to remember are the punishment needs to be related to the behavior. Time outs need to be limited to one minute per year of age due to their short attention span. It’s a good to teach toddlers early to apologize when they hurt others, even if it is an animal. It will help develop the idea all living things have feelings. Never threaten unless you’re prepared to follow through, this will only contribute to wishy-washy parenting and the child losing respect for your authority. The most important rule is to always make sure your child knows why they are being punished. Children are not able to identify the “wrong” in what they’ve done if it’s not explained to them in terms they can understand.


Praise, Praise, Praise:
Although we are required as parents to address the negative with our children, we need to balance that out with the positive. Smiles, hugs, kisses, and verbal affirmations are some of the things that make children feel good about themselves and about their relationship with you. Toddlers are working to develop their moral foundation so if we address the positive with the negative, it‘ll help to fully develop an understanding of right and wrong. Once children begin to understand what behaviors bring praise and which ones won’t, you will find them slowly gravitating more towards the positive ones.

"Letting Go Of Family Members That Hurt Us"

After many conversations with people I hold dear, I have found they have either had struggles with their family or were currently having them. For that reason, I decided to share this article that I came across yesterday on dealing with unhealthy family relationships. I was hopeful others could find inspiration and healing in it:

"Letting Go Of Family Members That Hurt Us"

by G. Gometra

In a perfect world, family would always be there to support you and make you feel secure and safe. Unfortunately that is not always the case. Many of us have at least one relative, if not more, that is consistently hurtful, dismissive, judgmental, selfish, and/or showing avoidance, far more than just sibling rivalry or tough love. Most families contain people who will push us beyond our comfort zones and help us to learn and grow, even though there are many moments when we don't appreciate their efforts or how they affect our lives. However, what happens when our family members constantly cut us down and wear us out? Is it ever okay to cut those ties and just say good-bye?

The most loving family members will occasionally make us uncomfortable, that is to be expected. They will show us our flaws and how we can improve.  Granted, no one likes those moments where we feel bare and vulnerable, every mistake visible to the world, but these moments are the ones that can help us become better people. The most sincere of family members will show you the tarnish, but they are also the ones who will willingly sit with you to help you clean and polish yourself until you gleam and shine again. It is an experience that although uncomfortable still feels productive and safe. THAT is a positive relationship.

There is another version of this interaction that often looks similar, but there is one big difference, there is no help to rebuild after the “inner-self” has been knocked down. There are people in the world that see ONLY themselves and could care less who they damage around them with their self-serving acts, harsh words, and acts of blatant favoritism. We have all known people like this and in most cases, it seems simple to deal with. When it is a friend, acquaintance, or co-worker whose words sting so and whose presence is so uncomfortable it is a cinch to dismiss them from our daily existence. There is no need to keep them close where they can hurt us over and over.

That dismissal doesn’t come so easy when the constant pain is at the hands of someone that should be safe, warm, caring, considerate, fair, or inviting such as a parent, aunt, uncle, sibling, or even grandparent. For whatever reason, this person is doing more than just showing you your human flaws.  They make you feel as though you will never be accepted or wanted as yourself or even just plain okay. Time and time again you are disrespected, disregarded, ignored, judged, treated as less than, glossed over, even though you pour your energy and love into the relationship. The problem has become being your relative has put this person in a position of power because you are different and because you actually crave that positive interaction, love, and attention from them. So in seeking out the affections you need you set yourself up to be repeatedly hurt. Let’s face it, we are human, constantly giving and never receiving back love and support will leave anyone feeling hurt and empty.

From time to time we all make mistakes and can appear selfish. Only when it is truly a consistent pattern should you ever alter your actions toward a loved one. Keep in mind that you have the power to make decisions about who is in your life and if a relationship is extremely unhealthy for you it is okay to let go. Never cut ties in anger as being hurtful will not make you feel any better. However, the type of relationships this article is referring to will easily make you feel undeserved guilt on a constant basis and the point of severing ties is to remove that source of guilt. So if you choose this route make sure you go about it in a way that you can feel good about.

You are the only person that can decide whether you need to cut the ties bonding you to another. If you choose to let go of a family member(s) keep in mind that it will hurt for a very long time. You may find closure important, but be careful about how you approach the subject. Verbal communication of your intentions may become too emotional. If you suspect this will be the case, write a letter. A letter allows you as much time as you need to transform the mess of feelings into words that make it all more accessible to the recipient. This will allow you to be clear about the pain that you've been feeling without sounding overly angry.

Unfortunately, some of us have family members that hurt us. As painful as it may be, sometimes the best thing we can do is let them go. Unfortunately this also means letting go of our expectations and hopes of it every changing, but we are also eliminating our ability to be hurt over and over by a trusted loved one. Sometimes it is possible to take this power away from a person while still keeping them in our lives, sometimes not. Just keep in mind that demanding respect is not selfish as long as you give it in return. At the end of the day we all just want to be loved evenly and fairly and no one deserves being mistreated.

We Are All Someone, We All Matter: Bullying Facts Said Out Loud

Most people in my circle have pretty a good idea of where I stand on the whole issue of bullying! For those who are not aware of how I feel, I can say that after this blog, there will be no doubt or ambiguity on the subject. I am not sure how many of you reading this have seen the move "Bully", but I just saw it in the last few days. Needless to say the anger, frustration, and hurt that was created in me after seeing this movie was so intense I cannot even put it into words. I had to in fact wait a few days to write this blog in an effort to gather my thoughts and have them come from a more contained, focused place.

If you have not had the chance to see this movie, I highly recommend you do. For those of you who have never heard of it nor know what it is about, it's a documentary in which the victims of bullying are followed over the course of a school year demonstrating what they go through daily in school and on the bus with their classmates, how it affects them, as well as how the schools and their parents handle these situations of bullying. It also conducts interviews with some parents whose children have taken their own lives because they could no longer handle their daily pain.

I have never been shy about what I went through in school when I was growing up. I was overweight, I was poor, I lived in a trailer park, and didn't really have the social advantages required to be deemed "worthy" according to typical high school standards so needless to say I was never really looked at as homecoming queen material. Some people were not kind to me and some even beyond cruel. I did not have many close friends, but the very few had (Rebecca, Wyvne, Tami, Amanda, my sisters, my brother) were the only reason I was able to make it through. I was also one of those who did try to take my own life on one occasion and by the grace of God I am still here. As far as school is concerned, I was never hit, I was never attacked, but I was verbally mutilated day after day and any person who has ever been in that situation will tell you the pain you receive from being assaulted with words over and over is by far much worse than being physically attacked. In fact, you wish and pray they would just hit you because physical wounds will heal! Even though I survived it, the wounds from those experiences are deep and forever. I am not proud to admit that when my youngest son was born and I saw he had red hair, one of the first things I feared was not if I was going to be a good parent to him, not if he was going to grow up to be a wonderful man, but if he was going to survive childhood because red heads tend have very freckled faces and a lot of these kids are treated horribly in school. What parent on this planet should even be forced to entertain a thought such as that? But that's the world we have created and it has even gotten worse since I was a kid because now we have cell phones, cameras, Internet...a whole new level of anonymity that was never afforded to my generation. I am not happy to say my fear came true either. He is picked on, he is bullied, and even worse, he is bullied by the children of people I went to school with. How ironic...

My daughter watched this movie with us. At one point she asked me "why do these kids take it and don't fight back?" I am honestly not sure most adults understand why this happens. Children and, some adults, in these positions do this for one of two reasons if not both. One reason is because they are able to have empathy for others and are not capable of exhibiting that level of pain on another person. They have a higher developed understanding of the need to resolve things without pain or violence. Even though they are hurting, they just can't bring themselves to do it to someone else. The other reason is because they have such a low self-esteem they ultimately feel they deserve this treatment. They feel so bad about themselves and don't have people in their lives to consistently raise them up, they believe this is who they are. It boils down to, the bad stuff is easier to believe. This feeling low self-esteem combine with moral integrity is what often forces targets of bullying to redirect their anger onto themselves resulting in depression, self-harm, or suicide.

The opposite side of that, how can someone do this to another person? How can someone bring this level of hurt onto another human being and not feel bad about it? It's simple. It's because they lack empathy for other people. They have not been taught how to appreciate the differences in others, how we have no control over the life we are born into, how we are all human and have feelings, how to simply be kind. It's a social skill all children need to be taught and because some are not, we are in this position. When a child has the understanding that things can be resolved with words and not violence, a bully will utilize this value, which society CLAIMS to cherish, and use it to torment their prey for weeks, months, or years until the anger builds up inside, the target becomes uncontainable, and explodes into violence. Often when a bully is confronted, his/her cowardly and thuggish nature will force them to act aggressively while still plausibly denying everything. The bully is often able to manipulate the perceptions of responsible adults so they also now victimize the target.

What I also find interesting in this movie is how some of the school officials are so dismissive towards these kids. One of the most outrageous moments comes when a little boy is consistently choked, stabbed with pencils, hit, cussed at and the list goes on while riding the school bus. Not only does the bus never see or redirect this behavior, but when his parents become aware of it and go to the superintendent, I kid you not the women says "I have ridden that specific bus and those children are little angels". I almost threw up in my mouth.

So what happens to these kids who do not speak up for themselves when they take it and take it and take it and one day they can't take it anymore? Well we know sometimes they explode externally getting physical, sometimes they bring weapons to school, and sometimes they end their own lives. We also know this of course when they are noticed, when we pay attention, and when we take action and my observation of those moments is this. In almost every situation, you have parents who have knowledge their child is a bully, who have been made aware of how their child is treating others, but when a child has finally had enough and strikes back those same parents will start a campaign against the victim. "That child attacked my poor child", "that child assaulted my poor child", "all my child did was a little teasing, that's no excuse", "I don't care what my child did."  Now don't get me wrong, I am not in ANY WAY advocating for kids to walk into schools with guns, for students to die, or for violence in schools period for that matter. However, (and maybe this is just my perception) why does it seem school violence gets so much attention, but in situations where bullying was a direct precursor to the violence, no one appears to really care about that? Even more so, it appears that when children takes their own lives due to bullying, some as young as EIGHT YEARS OLD, it doesn't receive quite the same national attention or the same community out poor of emotion. Were they not just as special? Was their story not just as important?


Let's try a little experiment. If I say Littleton, Colorado, Columbine High School, and Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold or Springfield, Oregon and Kip Kinkel or Pear, Mississippi and Luke Woodham, or Virginia Tech and Seung-Hui Cho would you know what this is in reference to? Of course you would. These are all locations of school shootings and the people who perpetrated them. Now if I say Ashlynn Conner, Kelly Yeomans, Debbie Shaw, Eden Wormer, or Josh Belluardo would you know who any of these people are?  Ashlynn Conner hung herself in her closet after being bullied.  Eden Wormer was an 8th grader in Vancouver, Washington who hanged herself. Debbie Shaw was 12 yr. old, so tired of being bullied, she agreed to a challenge which was to fight the leader of the gang of girls victimizing her and later died of her injuries. Kelly Yeomans, who was 13, took a fatal overdose of pills. Peter Evans, who was 11, was crushed under the wheels of a lorry trying to escape a bully gang. Becky Smith, 16, was left unconscious after a slapping attack by fellow students who recorded the assault on their mobile phone, and then distributed the video at school. In Canton, Cherokee County, Georgia, the community was split after 15 yr. old Jonathon Miller was found guilty of the MURDER of 13 yr. old Josh Belluardo. The court heard how Miller, who had been bullying Josh for some time, delivered a punch on the back of the head as the two were getting off the bus. The blow ruptured an artery and Josh died within 60 seconds. Subsequent investigation revealed Miller had a history of violent behavior including 34 reported incidences. The failure of the school and education authority to address violent behavior has also come under scrutiny. I'm a little uncertain where the SPLIT comes in? In 2010, 34 kids, all under the age of 19, took their own lives due to bullying. What is happening in our children's world? Seriously? Going to school every day has now become so painful for them that they feel the only way out of it is for them to end their own lives? I'm sorry folks, but to me this is unacceptable.


So what is the answer? Well here is my opinion and of course my opinion only. When it comes to teaching and role modeling for our children social skills, empathy skills, and understanding/appreciating the differences in our fellow man that is a primary PARENTAL duty! This is due to the fact that these skills begin their development very young and cannot go ignored. If a child does not develop early on the ability to relate to others in a positive, appropriate, healthy, non-selfish, non-demanding way, they are going to struggle greatly to do so later and those struggles are going to increase in intensity. (Please understand this does not just include children who outwardly struggle with anger management. This can also include children who display a strong sense of entitlement, extreme selfishness, and/or lack the ability to accept the word "no". Left unaddressed, these children can also struggle greatly with the ability to interact with others as they get older and are just as likely to become bullies) Our children need to be taught that NO ONE has control over the family they are born into, the income bracket their parents have, what hair color they have, how tall they are, the clothes they wear, their mental and emotional capabilities, their facial features, etc. and therefore should in no way be persecuted, ridiculed, or tormented for it. Next, having overall knowledge of what our children can and cannot handle is also a PARENTAL responsibility. Adam Lanza, the shooter in Newtown, was a young man who suffered from Asperger's which is a disorder in the Autism family. Now, children who suffer from this are not known to be violent, however they do struggle tremendously with social interaction. I do not in ANYWAY agree with the tragedy that happened in Newtown nor do I want to make it sound as though I am sitting in judgment of this young man's mother, but I am not sure given his mental status that allowing him constant access to weaponry as well as large amounts of violent video games may have been the best choice. I also do not think things such as video games are solely responsible for the choices and behaviors our children exhibit however, we can afford to be naïve enough to believe they do not play a role in the development of young, impressionable minds, especially in children who are already struggling with mental stability. This is why I say we as parents have a duty to be aware of our children, their needs, and making sure we are doing our parts to nurture those needs which is obviously done through communication and active participation.

Now when it comes to ensuring our children are safe during the school day that is a SCHOOL responsibility. We are more than aware schools are overcrowded, stretched thin, and dealing with a large array of personalities and issues. However, these days it almost feels like when we send our children to school we have to worry more about their safety than their education. Going back to the movie, I was appalled by some of the things I saw happening every day to children and I have no trouble believing those things happen every day in schools all across the U.S.! School officials have a duty and an obligation to take EVERY child seriously and EVERY allegation seriously. To make their students feel safe, heard, and as though they don't have to be afraid. They also have a duty to set an example for the student body meaning don't blow a kid off when they come to you, don't dismiss them or their feelings, don't tell them they probably did something to deserve it, and don't embarrass them or make a spectacle of them in front of other students. One of the students at Virginia Tech recalled an incident in which his English teacher had the students reading aloud in class and when it was Cho’s turn, he just looked down in silence. Finally, after the teacher THREATENED to give him a failing grade for participation, Cho started to read in a strange, deep voice that sounded “like he had something in his mouth,” according to the student. “As soon as he started reading, the whole class started laughing, pointing, and saying, ‘Go back to China." Why did this incident have to happen? Clearly he was not comfortable reading and yet the teacher forced the situation by threatening failure and looked what happened. As educators we must recognize moments when a child cannot learn through the way we teach, then we need to teach them in a way they can learn. When this philosophy is refused and/or unrecognized you are going to end up making children feel singled out, made fun of, and alone. Teachers and administrators would not want or expect any less for their own children so there is no reason we should expect less for ours. Public school is a right that all children have, but being safe is also a right. If you clearly have certain children that have proven they cannot function within system, they are making other children afraid through verbal/physical threats and/or actually assaulting children, and/or they are refusing to demonstrate any type of change or conformity, then REMOVE THEM FROM THE SCHOOL SETTING! This is why we have alternative school settings available.

We have dozens of child deaths each year at the hands of bullies and despite repeated calls for action, the Department for Education and Skills had only paid lip service, declining to keep statistics on the recognized, but preventable death toll. Due to this, in 2001 a book called "Bullycide: Death At Playtime" by Neil Marr and Tim Field, exposed the death toll of child suicide caused by bullying at school. Every year, at least 16 families were experiencing the nightmare of coming home to find the lifeless body of their child. They often then discovered that the bullying which drove their child to suicide had been going on for months and while the school also knew about it, had taken no effective action. The moment the parents started their own investigation they found themselves and their dead child being vilified and blamed. Since its original publications, this book has been re-released due to growing curiosity and need. Now what we need to really ask ourselves is are things getting better for abused kids who view their life on this earth as a sentence far worse than death or have the bullies simply learned to use a more sophisticated, covert means to dispense their evil?

I have written many articles before in regards to bullying, but decided to include the most important parts from those articles into this one. Highlights such as how to know if your child is being bullied, how to know if your child is a bully, and how to address either situation.

IS YOUR CHILD BEING BULLIED?
If your child exhibits one or more of these warning signs, he/she may be the victim of a bully, and it is IMPERATIVE you further talk with your child about what you suspect. Do they/have they:

• Withdraw socially
• Feel isolated, alone, and sad.
• Feel picked on or persecuted.
• Feel rejected and not liked.
• Frequently complain of illness.
• Not want to go to school, avoid some classes, or skip school.
• Bring home damaged possessions or says they were “lost”.
• Cry easily, displays mood swings, and talks about hopelessness.
• Have poor social skills.
• Talk about running away and possibly talks of suicide.
• Threaten violence to self and others.
• Show changes in eating or sleeping patterns.
• Attempted to or taken protection to school i.e. guns, knives, etc

If you suspect your child is being bullied, the following is a list of do's and don’ts

DO:

• Make sure your child knows being bullied is not his or her fault.
• Let your child know he or she does not have to face being bullied alone.
• Discuss ways of responding to bullies.
• Teach your child to be assertive.
• Tell your child not to react, but to walk away and get help if pursued.
• Tell your child to report bullying immediately to a trusted adult.
• Contact the school/teacher.

DON'T

• Ask children to solve a bullying problem between themselves and the bully. The differences in power could cause your child to only suffer further. Bullying problems require adult intervention.
• Advise the bullied child to fight the bully.
• Try to mediate a bullying situation. Bringing together children who are bullied with those who do the bullying to “work out” the problems between them usually only creates a bigger problem. It may also further victimize a child who is being bullied and it sends the wrong message to both parties.
• Blame either the victim or the bully. Instead, gather as much information as possible. Look at your own child’s behavior and style of interaction and consider how you might help him/her to handle these types of situations in the future.

WARNING SIGNS INDICATING A BULLY:

• Seeks to dominate and/or manipulate others.
• Enjoys feeling powerful and in control.
• Is both a poor winner and a poor loser.
• Seems to derive satisfaction from other’s fears, discomfort, or pain.
• Is good at hiding behaviors or doing them where adults can’t notice.
• Is excited by conflicts between others.
• Blames others for his/her problems.
• Displays uncontrolled anger.
• Has a history of discipline problems.
• Displays a pattern of impulsive and chronic hitting, intimidating, and aggressive behaviors.
• Has a history of violent and aggressive behaviors.
• Displays intolerance and prejudice towards others.
• May use drugs, alcohol or be a member of a gang.
• Lacks empathy towards others.

IF YOU THINK YOUR CHILD MIGHT BE A BULLY:

• Be sure your child knows bullying is NOT acceptable behavior.
• Tell your child the penalties for bullying and be sure you enforce them fairly and consistently.
• Help your child learn alternative ways to deal with anger and frustration.
• Teach and reward more appropriate behavior.
• Work out a way for your child to make amends for the bullying.
• Help your child develop an understanding of the impact of their bullying on the target.
• Seek help or counseling if the behavior continues.
• If contacted by the school, STAY CALM, TRY NOT TO BECOME ANGRY AND DEFENSIVE! Make yourself really listen. Remember this is ultimately about the well-being of your child!

PREVENT YOUR CHILD FROM BECOMING A VICTIM:

• Instill self-confidence in your child.
• Help your child establish good social skills.
• Teach your child to speak out for him or herself.
• Teach your child to seek help, if harassed, from you and other caring adults.

PREVENT YOUR CHILD FROM BECOMING A BULLY:

• Present yourself as a model of non-violent behavior.
• Clearly state that violence is not acceptable.
• Assist your child in finding non-violent strategies for anger management and conflict resolution.
• Seek help from mental health/school counselors to help stop bullying and aggressive behavior. 

Obviously there's not one perfect or right answer to this global situation, but I don't think I am alone in saying that even ONE death, regardless of the reason, is too much. Our children are dying! This is not okay and we need to not only help them to live, but help them to want to live. We need to not only help them go to school, but help them want to go to school. Do I think this blog will fix everything or educate everyone, no. Do I think that fact will ever stop me from fighting to change this world and make it better for our children, absolutely not! We are the adults and we have obligation to make sure our children know they can come to us with anything, that they know they are important, and that they know they are heard. If children do not see the adults in their life as a safe place to report when someone is violating them, the battle is half lost. Lastly, I STRONGLY urge parents who have knowledge their child is bullying to not only address it, but to make efforts towards changing it. It's irresponsible to simply say "it's all a part of growing up" or "my child would not do those things". Nobody wants their child to be the bully, but what is worse, ignoring it or living with the knowledge that your child was part of the reason another child took their life?

Also for those interested, I have included a website that helps to track all deaths, regardless of the reason, that are a direct result of bullying. It's pretty intense and I urge people to look at it!
http://www.bullyonline.org/schoolbully/cases.htm

Who Are We To Sit In Judgement?

I have said to many people on many occasions that my education and my training are a gift and a curse. The reason I say this is because they allow me to see deeper into certain events, the people involved, and pull out important pieces that average society is unable to. That very ability is what allows me to understand how certain people could find themselves in certain situations and then in turn, making some very poor choices.

 When evil happens in our world, I always notice how many people start throwing around phrases like "I hope they burn in hell", "Death is too good for them", and “Who could have created such a monster". What a lot people don't realize is often times, we as a society are the ones who created that monster. I used to have a psychology teacher who hated the fact I refused to believe that someone could be born evil because psychology is a science and you have to stay open minded. Couldn't do it! I can't look at a baby, regardless of who its parents are, regardless of the means in which it got here, and believe for one second that its path is already predetermined. Are there certain mental disorders and genetic disorders you have no control over, of course, but the last time I checked the DSM, "Evil" was not listed. When it comes to Nature V. Nurture, I will take Nature every time! My husband and I love to watch "Intervention" because it gives you a rough time line of the person life and we have a game called "find the red flag:" because if you pay close attention to what people say, what happens in their life, and how those around them react to it, you can always find where the train derailed. EVERY INTERACTION COUNTS! You could have only one interaction with a person and still affect their life forever. We all have choices on how we treat our children, our family, our spouses, our loves ones, our friends, etc. Everything we do and say is going to affect someone and sometimes, people get put upon in ways the human mind is not even capable of imagining and it forces them into a dark place where they end up making decisions that most rational people simply can't understand. Now don't get me wrong, I am not in any way excusing anyone's negative behavior. I am not saying it's okay, I am not saying give them a pass, nothing of the sort. Ugly, evil actions are just that and when you choose the behavior, you choose the consequence. What I am saying is that I have the ability to understand how they feel they have arrived at a dead end in life.

I also find the judgment we pass on one another so unnecessary because as much as most believe they are untouchable by tragedy, it doesn't make it true. None of us are above having evil in our lives. I start to wonder what if my child, for whatever reason, strayed? Or found themselves in the wrong place at the wrong time? Or just made that one bad decision? At the end of the day, parents can only do so much and even all the good teachings in the world cannot immunize your child against outside influences and it only takes one momentary lapse to really screw up your path? What if it was a family member? What if it was your child or family member? How would you feel if you saw everyone saying these spiteful, hurtful things about someone you loved? Someone you were close to? I know it seems like such a stretch for us, but it really is possible to not agree with the choices someone makes, to even hate those choices, but still keep our personal opinions to ourselves. I truly believe no matter how immoral a person is, at least one person somewhere loves them. They matter to someone. They are someone's, someone. Why can't we just be unbelievably thankful we are not facing it and call it a day?

One of my favorite stories for demonstrating why we should not judge others or their situations is the Andrea Yates story, who we all know drown her five children. I used to be one of the people who jumped right in with, she should burn in hell. UNTIL, I took a class and the professor had a friend (a forensic psychologist) who worked on the case. He informed us of soooooo many things that we nor the general public really knew anything about. Andrea already had a major strike against her because she had schizophrenia and major depression in her family history and for those who don't know, schizophrenia is one of the few mental disorders which is genetically passed. She had her first major depression episode at the age of 24 and 5 1/2 years later after the birth of her 1st child, she had her first major issues with mental illness because she began hearing voices, having hallucinations, and day dreaming of stabbing someone. Andrea did keep these to herself, but voiced her concerns after the birth of her 2nd child. At this point, Andrea reached out for help by writing a letter to Rachel, the wife of Michael Woronieck, a self-proclaimed prophet and self-ordained, traveling evangelist who was also a college friend of her husbands. A very "Hell fire and brimstone" type of person with a history of legal troubles. Woroniecki and his family lived as vagabonds out of a bus for years and was the type to yell out sermons in the street. He browbeat his followers for their sins and convinced them they were in danger of losing God's love, but both Russell (husband) and Andrea were very impressed with this ministry. Rachel's ever so wise advice for Andrea was to read the section of the Bible describing the role of women in regards to their husbands and children i.e. work at home and subject themselves to their husbands desires.  Letters from the Woroniecki's berated Andrea and stated she possessed an unrighteous standing before God keeping in mind this is a mentally ill women who was also a very religious woman. Andrea thought about murdering her children up to 3 months prior to the incident and in 1999 she tried to commit suicide after her 4th child, Luke and then again a month later. Doctors in fact had already told the couple NOT to have any more children. In March 2001, Andrea's father died sending her into another depressive state. Her best friend, Debbie Holmes was already worried her friend was again suffering from post-partum depression after Mary’s birth in November 2000 and said Andrea often paced around her home like a “scared animal”. Holmes also stated,  “A couple of times I called her husband and I was crying and sobbing: She needs help now. NOW! Not next week!” Yates stated on many occasions she believed Satan controlled her because she was possessed by him. Overall picture: this was a woman who was diagnosed with postpartum depression with psychotic features and schizophrenia, but was not taking antipsychotic medications because she was having to breastfeed. The full time wife and mother of FIVE children under the age of seven (the youngest 3 were under the age of 3) and had miscarried her 6th child just before the tragedy occurred. All of this is happening to a woman with a husband present. A husband who continued to get his mentally ill wife pregnant and knew she would have to breast feed leaving her unable to take psychotropic medication. A husband who stated in court that he probably changed less than 10 diapers TOTAL! A husband who knew his wife was sick, who knew she wanted to die, who knew she had tried to end her life, and continued to leave her alone with their children every day. A husband who stated "she looked perfectly normal the day before the killings and never thought she was dangerous".  A man who was not held accountable in any way for anything that happened to his 5 children. Today he is remarried and has a new family! Now, you can't tell me that having this information doesn't change the facts and the judgment just a little! Do I believe that Andrea Yates need to ever be free, no? Do I believe she ever needs to have children or be around them, no. Do I believe that was she did was disgraceful and tragic, yes. Do I also believe this very well could have been prevented, absolutely! In my opinion, spending her life in a mental health facility is exactly where she belongs.

As with every long winded story I tell, there is a point and here it is: Don't be so quick to condemn. Don't be so quick to hate. And please, please, please, be careful who and what you judge. We don't know everyone's stories or the paths they have walked, so who are we to sit and decide what or how someone should live or what they deserve? I also firmly believe if you have not personally lived and/or experienced certain situations for yourself, then you really get no vote anyway. What kind of a world this would be if we put even half as much time into improving ourselves as we do into worrying about and criticizing others!

 Closing thought...this week in the news a women was stopped by a homeless man asking for change. She reached into her coin purse, pulled out what she had, and gave it to him. It wasn't until that night she remembered she had taken off her wedding ring earlier in the day and put it in her coin purse. The next she went back to the homeless man, hoping for the best, but secretly believing like anyone would, what chance does she stand of ever seeing the ring again. She saw him, asked him if he remembered her and if he happened to get a ring yesterday? The homeless man then pulled the ring from his pocket and told her he kept it because he wanted to return the kindness. What you put out into the world will come back, but it's up to you what goes out!

"Bribery, Battling, and Bad Role Modeling: The Trifecta For A Parental Disaster"

I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to figure out I have a passion for parenting and improving (myself included) how we as a society go about it because the fact is "you learn what you live, you live what you learn". If we want our children to do better, we have to teach them better. There is not many better places to look for material than Toddlers In Tiaras!!! The show is a train wreck in every sense of the word and it makes for prime pickings when it comes things that are just not appropriate for parents to do. However, as much as we would like to believe these unacceptable traits and habits are limited to one very small and specific population, it is unfortunately not the case. I have witnessed just as many revolting things in stores, at sporting events, even in parks. What I have done is whittled the many, many things I see every day down to three categories that I feel are the most offensive and the most damaging: Bribery, Battling, and Bad Role Modeling!

BRIBERY:
This is pretty much exactly as it sounds. Getting your children to perform, behave, and/or do what they are expected to do by promising them things like money or gifts is so wrong, in so many colors, on so many levels. What useful life skill do you possibly think you are teaching them by doing this? I will tell you. You are teaching them how to act entitled, pushy, and bossy. Because the world doesn't already have enough of those types of people? Offering a candy if they agree to take a nap, promising a toy for behaving at day care, giving them money so they won't act out at school, before you know it you are buying them a car just so they will get passing grades and you can get them graduated from high school. These children are going to grow up believing that when people want something from them, they should only have to do it if they get something THEY WANT in return first and the more the person needs it, the bigger their gift should be. Meaning they will never do anything for anyone in anyway unless there is something in it for them and in essence you are denying them of the ability to develop compassion, understanding, and empathy for others, you are depriving them of any type of work ethic, and you are denying the satisfaction of achieving something simply because they possess the ability. I also think it would be helpful to apply a little common sense here (I know, not the strongest character trait of most of the population). If you are having to bribe your child to get them to participate in a activity, then you might want to re-evaluate whether or not they even want to be in that activity! Children who are doing things they love and get enjoyment out of it, don't usually have to be bribed to get motivated. (We also have an epidemic in our society of parents giving their kids electronics, toys, money, clothes, whatever they want, hand over fist, without the slightest hint of them ever having to work for it or earn it in anyway which only helps to create an individual who as an adult will NEVER want to work because, well they have never had so why start now? For those parents I hope you are very close with your children because they will still be living with you at 30!)

BATTLING:
There will never be any beneficial life skill that a child can develop through a parent developing the habit of negotiating/arguing with them. You are the parent, you are the adult. Don't barter and negotiate with your children. Do not get into a power struggle with them. Children of all ages need structure, they need limits, they need expectations, and they need to understand there are consequences for not following those because that is how life works. If you give them a task to do, make sure they know you expect them to do it, and only say it one time. If they choose not to, enforce a consequence. You choose the behavior, you choose the consequence, that is how they learn that! Negotiating with your children only teaches them how to be manipulative adults. Now please understand that when I say you should expect them to do what you ask the first time, I am not referring to things such as sports or other extracurricular activities. I don't believe children should be forced to do something they hate because for whatever reason YOU think it's important. Our job is to parent, not have a childhood do-over through the avenue of our own children.  I am referring to responsibilities. I also do not believe that you will EVER develop an appropriate or positive parent/child relationship if the only way you can get your child to perform is out of fear and intimidation. However, that is a whole different can of worms we will save for another day!

BAD ROLE MODELING:
For whatever reason too many parents are content to act like juveniles in public and even worse, in front of their children. This is another epidemic that has seriously got to stop.  Fighting, vulgarity, belligerence, clothing with insane profanity and inappropriateness on it, bullying other children, grown men making lewd comments about and towards women, grown women threatening other women for "checking out their man" with the Marlboro hanging out of their mouth, and these are all things I have seen happen directly in front of children! I guarantee you these will be the same parents who when the school calls them 15 times a week to report their child's negative behavior, they are not only going to act astonished, but then say "that is not something they learned at home!"  I also find it amazing that it must be said out loud how completely disgusting it is for adults to pick on other children. I mean really, seriously? People who call themselves grown ups calling children ugly, poor, stupid, dirty, or whatever hateful name you can think of. Or how about parents who openly make comments and/or throw a tempter tantrum, while in front of their child, raving that their child was "robbed" or "cheated" because they didn't get a certain award or position that they felt they should have for no other reason than the parents status or income bracket!  Awesome, there is another great life skill. Teaching children that if they don't get what they want, when they want it, then acting like a toddler and bullying others into giving in is completely acceptable at any age!

Here is the million dollar question parents: Do you want to raise a bunch of self-entitled, pushy, bossy, arrogant, rude, narrow minded, angry, selfish, manipulative, lazy, egotistical little princesses and princes who thrive on taking advantage of others and believe it's okay because the center of the universe is their self portrait? I would like to believe every parent would say, "Of course not, are you crazy!" Then please enlighten to me as to why so many people are teaching their children every life skill that will allow them to do just that??? Do you want children who are unable to maintain a job? Do you want children who are unable to sustain a serious relationship? Do you want children who no one would want their son or daughter to date, let alone marry? Do you want children who people don't trust, don't like, and would rather set themselves on fire than have to be around? No...GOOD...then why are you creating that very person?

The Problem Is Not Our Schools...

In light of the recent events in Connecticut and like with any major tragedy in the United States, society is now up in knots over the safety our schools, over the security offered, and over gun control laws. Honestly, I feel like it is keeping in tradition with what I have said for years and that is we are a nation and a society full of reactive and not proactive people.

To address the issues people have with being afraid to send our kids to school, was it not long ago that one of these shootings happened in a movie theater and not long before that it happened in a shopping mall? Clearly these tragedies can happen anywhere so what are parents going to do? Keep your kids at home forever? Never let them out of your sight? Can't be done. As parents we worry every time we send them out into the world and that is not going to change so everyone screaming "I am never going to send my kids to school again", not the answer.

As far as the security in our schools. Well I really think the schools and the parents within those schools have to make that determination for themselves and their area, not the general public deciding what is best for everyone. However, I also don't think that making our kids feel like they are going to school in prison or a war zone is the answer either. I also know that it has been stated in the news today that the shooter in this situation FORCED himself into the school, he didn't just walk in willy nilly. Proving not only that every one's comments about people just having free reign to walk into schools and do things like this are completely false, but also, once again, proving that we are entirely too reactive!

As far as taking away people's right to have guns period, come on...really? I do not have a gun myself, but my father owns enough to take over a small country and I also grew up shooting them regularly and still enjoy doing it now. However, for the sake of giggles, let's play this argument out. If we are going to take away this vehicle that contributes to crime, then we need to take away all cars to avoid drunk driving accidents. Then we need to take away all knives to avoid stabbings. Then we need to become a dry nation with no alcohol to do away with all fights, domestic violence incidents, and other crimes that are directly alcohol induced. Then we need to do away with all technology and Internet so we can get rid of things like cyber-bullying, cyber-stalking, identity theft, and all other crimes that are assisted and/or only made possible through technology. Sounds insane right? Well if we are going to entertain one argument you can't very well not entertain all of them, so where does it stop? The problem is not the vehicle or tool used, it is the person utilizing it!

Just  my opinion, but I think what could really help situations such as these, is better mental health care across the board. Now I will say I don't know for a fact that mental illness played a part in these shootings, but I will say as a person with common sense, if you are 20 years old and decide to walk into an elementary school with four guns to open fire on children, you are probably not functioning on the same level as a person with all their faculties.  As a society, we treat people with mental illness like we do the homeless, like they are less than and don't matter. The fact of the matter is, mental illness is either something you are born with because of genetics or something that was FORCED on you due to extreme circumstances, usually in childhood. These people need help, not judgment. They are human beings who deserve some compassion and people need to remember mental illness is something that could just as easily happen to you or someone you love as it could happen to anyone else. We do have gun laws for criminals so I believe another thing that would help would be gun laws for people with mental illness. I'm not naïve enough to think this will in anyway completely solve the problem because ultimately if someone really wants a gun, they are going to get one. However, while people with mental illness do deserve and need compassion and respect, we also have to remember that not all of them are capable of making decisions that are in the best interest of themselves or others, let alone the safest.

I don't think there is ever going to be a perfect answer on how to ensure our kids or society as a whole are going to be completely safe because unfortunately, we live in a world where bad things happen. What I do feel is we need to stop reacting from our hearts and prejudices and start reacting from our heads. I said this exact same thing in regards to the sex offender registry and those labeled as "sex offenders." A great deal of people really hated my statements about that, but I am here to tell you a police chief, a warden, and several criminal justice professors, LOVED what I had to say by stating it made them really think about how much that system should be changed, something they never even considered before. Call it arrogant, that's fine, but I believe when you do something you are proud of and people acknowledge it, there is nothing wrong with being proud of it yourself. However, that was another article and I am off topic. I whole heartedly believe one of the biggest issues holding us back as a nation is the fact that every time there is an injustice or something we can't explain, we react from our guts and not our brains. That is fear. When bad things happen that people can't understand or explain, it makes people afraid. That fear makes them react in ways that are often not reasonable. Fear is normal, fear is a part of life, but fear cannot be made the foundation for our decisions as a nation. I think until we change that, we may find change in other places to be slow coming, if at all!

I have lost a child so I do know that pain, but I only knew my child for four and half hours. Those hours were beautiful, they were precious, but they were short. I have also said many times, that while my loss was so very difficult, I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to lose one of my other children who, for so many years, I have watched grow and develop, just as I will not compare it to someone else's child. A child who was with them long enough to make memories, to share joy, to share in their life. Even more so, I will not compare my loss to those who have lost a child at the hands of someone else's anger or someone else's selfishness. I am speaking only for myself when I say, I don't feel it is the same. Believing that and feeling that, I want to add that my heart and my prayers go out to all those affected so deeply and personally by this tragedy. In as situation such as this, I know these words really sound hollow and empty and they change nothing, but please know you are thought of. I would also like to say again, as I have many times, that heroes are not just those who wear uniforms. The adults who thought nothing of their own lives or safety in an effort to sacrifice for these children are a prime example of that and they should be forever recognized for it!

The Road Of A Man: What I Feel Our Young Boys Need To Learn (Dedicated To My Sons)

Eighteen years ago I found myself in the same predicament that many young teenage girls do today when I took a pregnancy test and it gave the ill fated result of "positive". Also like so many girls, I was scared and I knew I would be doing it alone (as far as the father goes). I had at least graduated from high school, but when we are talking about nearly two decades ago, being teenage mom had not become the phenomenon it is today. It was a very "in house", hush hush subject. There was one thing I was sure of from the day I found out I was pregnant and that was I knew he would be a boy and I knew he would look just like his father. I was right. He had many struggles coming into this world and in fact almost didn't make it, but he was a fighter like his mother and he has continued to fight all his life. Today, that young man, my son Jesse also turns 18 and as a mother it is such a bitter sweet feeling. I know the world says he is an adult, but to me he is only 18 and has so much more growing to do. Please do not mistake that for me saying I am anything other than extraordinarily proud of the person he has become and will continue to turn into.

I feel having taught, shaped, and molded this young man, having done the same for his brother for eleven years, having watching Jesse's father walk away from him, having been married to James' father who has made some poor choices, having been engaged once after that to a selfish, angry, infantile man, and now being married to what I believe is the pentacle of what all men should be, has all contributed to me developing my own list of characteristics of what mothers should teach their little boys to help them become tremendous husbands and fathers. Now as with everything I write, I don't think my way is the only way or the right way, I just use my experience and hope it helps others. However, I will say if you have ever met my sons and/or interacted with any of the other men mentioned above, I think you would agree I have learned at least a few things.

1. Teach them to love God.
2. Teach them to love themselves.
3. Teach them to have feelings, to know what those feelings are, and that saying them out loud is okay.
4. Teach them to not only live with integrity, but to know what integrity is.
5. Teach them to be honest and that a person is truly only a good as their word.
6. Teach them that a promise should mean something and when they give one, they need to keep it.
7. Teach them responsibility.
8. Teach them that men can do the dishes, the laundry, vacuum, and clean bathrooms too.
9. Teach them having sex is easy, but the emotional commitment is what takes maturity and that they don't possess it in their teenage years.
10. Teach them how serious raising kids actually is and how if they make a baby, they need to plan to be there for that baby.
11. Teach them to not place so much value in surface beauty or material things.
12. Teach them to be silly.
13. Teach them the art of chivalry. It is something the world has lost and needs more of.
14. Teach them that when a girl is crying, it's not funny and to make one cry in anger is never okay.
15. Teach them to help others.
16. Teach them it is wrong to take advantage of people.
17. Teach them being a bully is not cool and it's not funny.
18. Teach them alcohol is not their friend.
19. Teach them to never, ever, ever, ever hit a woman.
20. Teach them hugging is not for sissies.
21. Teach them tea party's and dress up with their daughters is okay for grown men too.
22. Teach them the man they are is the man their son will be.
23. Teach them to say "I Love You", out loud, and often.
24. Teach them that real men do cry.
25. Teach them it doesn't make you a wimp to leave the guys when a girl calls and any girl that truly loves him will do the same.
26. Teach them to love their mommas, but to know when to let go.
27. Teach them to never settle for less in love, in their career, or in life.
28. Teach them to have dreams other than when they are sleeping.
29. Teach them good, strong, old fashioned family values.
30. Teach them to dance with their wives...and their daughters.
31. Teach them words hurt.
32. Teach them failure and mistakes happen. It's part of growing up. The value is in what you take away from the mistakes and failures. However, the first time is a mistake, the second time is a choice.
33. Teach them winning isn't everything.
34. Teach them to be a good person.
35. Teach them once something is said, it's said, and "sorry" doesn't always fix it. The lesson is to be careful what you say.
36. Teach them that giving their heart to a girl is not a bad thing, but be sure the girl is going to protect it as he should hers because a persons heart is not a toy.
37. Teach them their heart will get broken, but it will also heal.
38.Teach them that hate and anger are powerful poisons and forgiveness is the only cure, but they also need to know forgiveness isn't about the other person, its for ourselves. However, sometimes we can say or do things that cannot be fixed and for that we must...
39.  Teach them accountability.
40. Above all, teach them you only get one life and it's up to you how you live it. Your choices are your responsibility, no one else's and you have to own them, good, bad, or indifferent.

Please don't think my sons have mastered all these things, but I would like to think some day they will. I can tell you it is my goal and I can tell you I have a husband who I believe possesses them all so that is definitely an advantage. I guess more than anything I just want my oldest son Jesse, who as I said turns 18 today, to know how unbelievably proud I am to be his mother and to have him for a son. I made a lot of jokes while he was growing up that I wanted to get him out of high school without a baby or an addiction. Well in six months he will not only be graduating, but he will be doing so as top 10 in his class, in the National Honor Society, with a 3.6 GPA, as having been a mentor, as having been a fully dedicated athlete since the 7th grade, and as having been one remarkable son for 18 years. He has more than surpassed all the stereotypes there are in regards to the sons of teenage mothers, the stereotypes about sons who don't have consistent fathers around, and the stereotypes about young men being raised by single mothers. He has continued to bypass stereotypes all his life and I have no doubt he will continue to do so. I also have no doubt his brother will also continue to do so. This is because, I REFUSE, regardless of what science says, to believe that genes help determine the person's personality. I believe it is their environment. The values, the ethics, the morals, and the overall characteristics you put into a person that is going to make them.

Our children are what we teach them to be and what I listed above is what I am and what I hope to teach my sons to be. I hope you have the greatest of birthdays Jesse for this is where your road truly begins and Brad and I are so glad we get to travel it with you! We love you to the moon and back!