It has not been uncommon throughout my parenting years for me to referred to as "uptight", "old fashioned", and even a "prude". Those same words have even been used on many occasions to describe my marriage. Bradley and I have never been a couple that believes "it's okay to look as long as you don't touch". We don't feel like it's okay to make remarks about the opposite sex such as "if I wasn't married, you better believe I would go after that". We don't watch movies and/or go to shows that are focused "arm candy highlights". We try to live by the philosophy of not saying or doing anything that we would not say or do with the other person standing right there and when you think about it, if we all applied that principle to everything we say and do, I think the changes in how we treat each other would be remarkable, but that is a discussion for another day. That is us and what we choose to do and we more than realize not everyone lives within their relationship the same way. We don't judge others for what they do, but for some reason, we do not deserve the same respect. Regardless that doesn't sway us from having the relationship we want. One of the biggest aggravations I feel is when that same logic also comes into play in regards to how I parent because I have heard the same words used. I am more than aware that young boys and adolescents have a natural curiosity about certain things, specifically girls, (and the same is true of girls being curious about boys) but what I don't think I need to accept is the way in which they have to go about learning and discovering that world.
Parents are more than aware there are millions of avenues in this world in which young people can learn about the opposite sex such as the internet, magazines, movies, peers, etc. Frankly I think one of the biggest mistakes we are making is that too many assume their children will learn it somewhere so why bother filling in those gaps. What children are taught in regards to the opposite sex and sexuality will lay the foundation for the views they develop, the ideals they develop, how they interact with the opposite sex, how they treat them, how they act in relationships, etc. Sex Ed isn't just about teaching the "birds and bees". So you're right, they will learn it somewhere, but what they are going to learn is an unrealistic, inappropriate, idealistic, fairytale, and in the cases of young men, sometimes misogynistic view, of the opposite sex. I mean do you realize that about 13 million teens between the ages of 13 and 19 get an STD each year! It 2008 it was reported (according to the best possible calculations) that by the age of 15, only 13% of never married teenagers had never had sex at least once. Don't even get me started on teen pregnancy and sexting.
So people might be wondering why I would even be talking about this and here is the reason. My children all have a Facebook, but I am also one of those parents who has all of their login information, I check their Facebook's regularly, and they know I check them. I do realize not every parent does that and that is their choice. Personally I feel are many opportunities out there in which kids can be taken advantage of, there are predators online, and there are flat out times when kids are not making good choices. A perfect example of how things can go wrong is several years ago we had an incident with Jesse in which a mother showed up on my doorstep and wanted Jesse to delete the half nude photos that her 13 year old daughter had sent of herself to Jesse's phone. Jesse stated he had no idea what this girl was talking about so after much investigation and going through Jesse's phone we discovered that someone, another student at Jesse's school who was also on the football team with him, had stolen Jesse's photo off his Facebook, created a separate account, and was sending messages to girls asking for these photos, then telling them to text them to the phone number he provided, not Jesse's . Obviously I was ecstatic that Jesse had nothing to do with, I explained to Jesse this is a prime example of why it is important to keep your page private, to know who your are friends with, not accept friend request from just anyone, and make sure no one can see your pictures. However, one of the primary reasons for even writing this is all of the "likes" by young people I have noticed on Facebook lately. Last time I checked Facebook is a social networking site. It allows people to keep up with friends and family, have access to pages where you can get coupons and deals, kids can keep up with their favorite bands or sports stars, and everyone can play games to pass the time. When did Facebook become a porn peddling site??? I see all of these young kids liking pages that in my opinion are porn or at the very least are HIGHLY inappropriate, especially for the age of some of the people viewing it. Even worse, all they need do to view the content is hit a like button. It also makes me wonder why Facebook allows such sites to be added. I mean, seriously? There is an endless number of sites such as those on the internet to poison and plaque peoples minds, can we not have one clean place for children and young adults to be?
I also quite frankly don't understand why there are so many young girls who constantly post half naked pictures of themselves. I know some of the girls who do it are technically adults, but some of these girls are 13, 14, 15 years old! In their case, I don't think that it's okay in anyway and more so, do they not have a parent that cares they are doing it? In regards to the ones who are technically adults, don't get me wrong, I am not a feminist by any means. I am all for women being strong, independent, and believing they can do the same things as a man, including having full rights to dress how they want. (Side note: I also believe that every once in a while a woman has to stroke the ego of her significant other. If you have a relationship where a man is trying to keep a woman suppressed into believing she is good for nothing more than cooking, cleaning, and making babies, it's doomed for failure. The same is true of a relationship in which you have two people constantly competing for who is going to be top dog. Partners should be and should have equal parts in a relationship, but it's just a fact that sometimes men need to feel like providers, they need feel like they are providing their family with safety and support, they need to feel like men) I could be completely wrong, but it has been my experience that these women who tend to wear the most scandalous clothes, post the most lewd pictures, and express themselves in the most over sexualized ways, will be the first ones who are offended when men only look at them as objects as opposed to acknowledging they might have an intelligent thought in their head. Really?!?!? I don't think you can have your cake and eat it too. The fact is the world is built on perceptions and if you want to be taken seriously, if you want to be treated like a respectful individual, and if you want people to believe you are intelligent, then you have to give them that impression.That doesn't mean turtle-necks, long sleeves, and slacks either, it just means having enough respect for yourself to not show the world every inch of yourself through a computer screen. That could really apply to guys and girls! One additional thought, we all know once something is on the internet, it's out there forever. A lot of young people don't put much thought into their future or what their profession will be in, but when you are older and mature some, obviously you do. There are some professions in which certain pictures and certain actions can come back to haunt you, even cost you big. Just look at numerous Miss America contestants, beauty contestants, American Idol contestants, and the list goes on. There really is nothing wrong with being young and being smart at the same time!
To some this entry may seem like a lot of randomness and to some it may make perfect sense. I also know there are many people who won't agree with me because I hear it all the time. People say to me "the world of full of smut, there is nothing we can do about it, things have changed, might as well accept it". I do know we don't live in "Leave It To Beaver" times anymore, I am not that naïve, but just because something is so doesn't mean we have to accept it and it doesn't mean we can't work to change it. I also do have control over my house and the environment my children are exposed to. I choose to not allow that world into my home because I feel it is inappropriate, unrealistic, and plain degrading to women and men. Not saying that I am the perfect parent or a better parent, I just want my children to have a healthy sense of self, a healthy sense of relationships, and a healthy ideal about sex. My hope is that if create this world for them in my home, then when they grow up, they will want to create it in their home, then their children will want to create it in their home. That folks is how we break cycles, that folks is how we create change!
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Teen Pregnancy (Part Two): Reclaiming Your Life
A lot of teen girls feel once they become pregnant they have to give up on their dreams and goals for the future. Many girls feel having a baby at a young age is such a mistake and has such a stigma attached, there’s no way to recover and will place themselves in situations such as prostitution, drug abuse, crime, etc. They also fail to realize having a baby guarantees you’re now and forever responsible for someone other than yourself and their needs have to come before yours. However, having a baby at a young age does not in any way lower their ceiling of opportunity, it only means they have to work a little harder. If these girls seek out and utilize opportunities to grow, complete school/further their education, as well as develop positive parenting skills they’ll can not only help to end the cycle of statistics attached to teen pregnancy, but they can also become outstanding and upstanding women. By applying some effort and hard work, they can learn to take their lives back and move on. Having a baby as a teenager may delay your life plans, but it doesn’t have to end them. The same is true for the dads that choose to get involved. There are numerous statistics out there supporting how much better a child does with two parents actively in their life, whether they are together or not as well as facts stating that the biggest and best role model for a child is the same gendered parent.
Acceptance:
Being able to identify, acknowledge, and accept the things that are not right in your life is 98% the battle. Why? Because we can't change what we don't acknowledge. You have to know what is ultimately wrong in order to fix it. It should go without saying being a teen parent inherently comes with A LOT of difficulty, but as stated before, too many teens are unaware of the difficulties and/or unwilling to acknowledge them. Teen parents will face economic, emotional, psychological, and physical hardships of monumental proportions. In turn, many teens use drugs, alcohol, sex, and other self destructive measures to cope. I strongly urge these teens to enter this situation with an open mind and a willingness to develop a positive, productive plan. If they’re already in this situation and they don’t have a plan, get one! Write down what you are happy with and what you’re not happy with. What you can handle and what you can’t handle. What you understand and what you don’t understand. You will find when you start acquiring answers and/or solutions to these questions, the path to becoming a successful parent and person, is not so impossible as you thought.
Responsibility:
Even though it’s the common trend among teenagers today to blame everyone and everything for every injustice in their life, it doesn’t change the fact OUR choices, are OUR choices. Good, bad, right, or wrong, you made the choice to have sex. You knew the risk involved. So if you become pregnant or get someone pregnant, you guessed it, ALL YOU! So take responsibility for your actions and the situation you’re now a part of! You have to decide what type of parent you want to be and what type of role model you want to be. Regardless of your childhood, regardless of the hardships you’ve faced, regardless of whether or not you feel you have support, you are now accountable to another person. Only you can decide the legacy you want to leave behind because ultimately if you fail your child, that will also be your responsibility! It's also not something a lot of teen moms want to hear, but the fact is, if you get pregnant and choose to keep the baby, you are choosing to do so knowing in advance there is a VERY good chance you are going to be doing this alone. Most teens fathers just statistically do not stick around. Given their maturity level, given the easy way out, why wouldn't they? So having that information, unfortunately it is not something you get to complain about. That is not harsh, that is not rude, that is just life. The best you can do is hope and pray for a change of heart while still making every effort to be a great mom. The worst you can do is that child as a pawn to play games, degrade or bad mouth the father in front of the child, and/or intentionally keep that child from the father. The choice is yours, but I promise you, one of those choices will cost you greatly when that child is older. Every child has to write their own story when it comes to their parents and if you interfere and try to do it for them, they will blame you later and sometime, cut you from their life. Kids have no say so in who their parents are so please do not make them part of your war.
Stay Organized:
Keeping all aspects of our lives organized will not only help you to be focused, but you would be amazed how good organization can help you survive even the largest of crises. Cleanliness and organization helps us to feel good about ourselves, it raises our self esteem, and it can go a long way to reducing the stress you feel in your daily life. Let’s face it, our lives are chaotic enough when we’re only trying to care for ourselves, but when we add the responsibility of caring for an individual who relies completely and totally on us, so anywhere we can cut stress and headache, is a good thing.
Be Grateful:
Obviously bringing a child into an environment that’s emotionally, physically, and financially ready is always the most practical. However, even when it does happen under less than ideal circumstances, it doesn’t change the fact that a baby is a precious gift. So instead of looking at it like a “mistake”, look at yourself and the situation as a blessing, especially considering so many men and women who would give anything to be a parent and are not lucky enough to experience the joy for themselves. Focus on the positives of the situation and what things will make not only you, but your baby happy. Stay positive about life and always continue working towards being a better person despite all you are and will go through. If there is something in your life you feel is dangerous or cancerous to the goals you have set, then get rid of it and/or stay away from it. If you are lucky enough to have a supportive family who is helping you and your child, take advantage of that. Don't whine, argue, and treat them poorly because they're not showing their support the way you demand they do it. Just be grateful you are not in this alone. We have to remember that even as bad as things can get and even as down and out as we can begin to feel, someone ALWAYS has it worse than us!
Give Yourself An Education:
I think you would be hard pressed to find anyone that will not tell you the key to giving yourself choices, freedom, and success in this life is getting an education. Education is the only thing that can defeat the battles of poverty, homelessness, and self humiliation from failure. It’s the key to freedom. Teen mothers need to make sure if they do nothing else to further their education, that they at least get a high school diploma. However, my advice is to never settle for second best and continue your education beyond high school. I can promise you an education is the ONLY thing that will ultimately guarantee a better, more stable future for you and your child.
Being a teen parent will make it hard to avoid negative people in the world telling you that because you’re a teen parent, you can’t have the same success and opportunities as others. However, for the sake of you and your child, you have to ignore them. Surround yourself with people who uplift you, not defeat you. Only you can control who you allow in your life and if you have a lot of negativity now, cut it out.
Society way too often makes judgments when they see teen/single moms. We can't continue to be afraid of the topic of sex and at the same time be shocked by what is happening. I also think we need to remember, that at least these moms are trying and in many cases, going it alone. As I stated before, being a great parent has nothing to do with age, it has to do with effort, it has to do with responsibility, it has to do with accountability, it has to do with an ability to be actively present, and to love unconditionally. Those are character traits my friends that you CAN or CANNOT acquire at any age!
Being a teen mom DOES in fact guarantee life will be harder which is why it’s ideal to wait, but being a teen mom DOES NOT guarantee your life is over. So don’t make excuses and don’t settle for living in a place of bitterness and despair. Make the decision that you’re still in the game and grab every opportunity you can. Ultimately only you can change the situation you’re in and only you can reclaim your life. Turn this setback into a comeback and you may even possibly empower and inspire others along the way!
Acceptance:
Being able to identify, acknowledge, and accept the things that are not right in your life is 98% the battle. Why? Because we can't change what we don't acknowledge. You have to know what is ultimately wrong in order to fix it. It should go without saying being a teen parent inherently comes with A LOT of difficulty, but as stated before, too many teens are unaware of the difficulties and/or unwilling to acknowledge them. Teen parents will face economic, emotional, psychological, and physical hardships of monumental proportions. In turn, many teens use drugs, alcohol, sex, and other self destructive measures to cope. I strongly urge these teens to enter this situation with an open mind and a willingness to develop a positive, productive plan. If they’re already in this situation and they don’t have a plan, get one! Write down what you are happy with and what you’re not happy with. What you can handle and what you can’t handle. What you understand and what you don’t understand. You will find when you start acquiring answers and/or solutions to these questions, the path to becoming a successful parent and person, is not so impossible as you thought.
Responsibility:
Even though it’s the common trend among teenagers today to blame everyone and everything for every injustice in their life, it doesn’t change the fact OUR choices, are OUR choices. Good, bad, right, or wrong, you made the choice to have sex. You knew the risk involved. So if you become pregnant or get someone pregnant, you guessed it, ALL YOU! So take responsibility for your actions and the situation you’re now a part of! You have to decide what type of parent you want to be and what type of role model you want to be. Regardless of your childhood, regardless of the hardships you’ve faced, regardless of whether or not you feel you have support, you are now accountable to another person. Only you can decide the legacy you want to leave behind because ultimately if you fail your child, that will also be your responsibility! It's also not something a lot of teen moms want to hear, but the fact is, if you get pregnant and choose to keep the baby, you are choosing to do so knowing in advance there is a VERY good chance you are going to be doing this alone. Most teens fathers just statistically do not stick around. Given their maturity level, given the easy way out, why wouldn't they? So having that information, unfortunately it is not something you get to complain about. That is not harsh, that is not rude, that is just life. The best you can do is hope and pray for a change of heart while still making every effort to be a great mom. The worst you can do is that child as a pawn to play games, degrade or bad mouth the father in front of the child, and/or intentionally keep that child from the father. The choice is yours, but I promise you, one of those choices will cost you greatly when that child is older. Every child has to write their own story when it comes to their parents and if you interfere and try to do it for them, they will blame you later and sometime, cut you from their life. Kids have no say so in who their parents are so please do not make them part of your war.
Stay Organized:
Keeping all aspects of our lives organized will not only help you to be focused, but you would be amazed how good organization can help you survive even the largest of crises. Cleanliness and organization helps us to feel good about ourselves, it raises our self esteem, and it can go a long way to reducing the stress you feel in your daily life. Let’s face it, our lives are chaotic enough when we’re only trying to care for ourselves, but when we add the responsibility of caring for an individual who relies completely and totally on us, so anywhere we can cut stress and headache, is a good thing.
Be Grateful:
Obviously bringing a child into an environment that’s emotionally, physically, and financially ready is always the most practical. However, even when it does happen under less than ideal circumstances, it doesn’t change the fact that a baby is a precious gift. So instead of looking at it like a “mistake”, look at yourself and the situation as a blessing, especially considering so many men and women who would give anything to be a parent and are not lucky enough to experience the joy for themselves. Focus on the positives of the situation and what things will make not only you, but your baby happy. Stay positive about life and always continue working towards being a better person despite all you are and will go through. If there is something in your life you feel is dangerous or cancerous to the goals you have set, then get rid of it and/or stay away from it. If you are lucky enough to have a supportive family who is helping you and your child, take advantage of that. Don't whine, argue, and treat them poorly because they're not showing their support the way you demand they do it. Just be grateful you are not in this alone. We have to remember that even as bad as things can get and even as down and out as we can begin to feel, someone ALWAYS has it worse than us!
Give Yourself An Education:
I think you would be hard pressed to find anyone that will not tell you the key to giving yourself choices, freedom, and success in this life is getting an education. Education is the only thing that can defeat the battles of poverty, homelessness, and self humiliation from failure. It’s the key to freedom. Teen mothers need to make sure if they do nothing else to further their education, that they at least get a high school diploma. However, my advice is to never settle for second best and continue your education beyond high school. I can promise you an education is the ONLY thing that will ultimately guarantee a better, more stable future for you and your child.
Being a teen parent will make it hard to avoid negative people in the world telling you that because you’re a teen parent, you can’t have the same success and opportunities as others. However, for the sake of you and your child, you have to ignore them. Surround yourself with people who uplift you, not defeat you. Only you can control who you allow in your life and if you have a lot of negativity now, cut it out.
Society way too often makes judgments when they see teen/single moms. We can't continue to be afraid of the topic of sex and at the same time be shocked by what is happening. I also think we need to remember, that at least these moms are trying and in many cases, going it alone. As I stated before, being a great parent has nothing to do with age, it has to do with effort, it has to do with responsibility, it has to do with accountability, it has to do with an ability to be actively present, and to love unconditionally. Those are character traits my friends that you CAN or CANNOT acquire at any age!
Being a teen mom DOES in fact guarantee life will be harder which is why it’s ideal to wait, but being a teen mom DOES NOT guarantee your life is over. So don’t make excuses and don’t settle for living in a place of bitterness and despair. Make the decision that you’re still in the game and grab every opportunity you can. Ultimately only you can change the situation you’re in and only you can reclaim your life. Turn this setback into a comeback and you may even possibly empower and inspire others along the way!
Teen Pregnancy (Part One): An American Epidemic
Teen pregnancy is unfortunately a topic we as a society have become all too comfortable with in our present day. When I originally wrote this article in 2010, the average was 3 out of 10 girls will be pregnant before age 20 and 1 out of 4 mothers who give birth before 18 will have a second child within 2 years. Now the average is 4 out of 10 and 50% of African American teen girls and 52% of Latina teens will become pregnant at least once before the are 20. When we put that into actual numbers, it means that 750,000 teen girls are giving birth in the U.S. each year, 8 out of 10 are unplanned and 81% are to unmarried teens. Also, only 1 out 10 teen males actually involves themselves with their child. It's also a subject TOO many teenage girls and boys DO NOT take seriously because they lack a realistic understanding of the ENORMOUS responsibility required. Most teenagers who become parents simply view it as an opportunity to have someone love them in a world where no one else does. I think I speak for many, many people in society when I say, if all you’re looking is to be loved, then get a dog. A dog will be more than capable of providing you with the love and companionship you’re seeking and society doesn’t have the expectation dogs will grow up to be healthy, productive, moral, intelligent contributors to society. Being a parent is a lifetime commitment, but for some reason that fact keeps being overlooked.
The Reasons Most Teenagers Become Pregnant:
There are two factors that appear to have influence over the teen pregnancy statistics. One is poverty since girls who live below the poverty line are ten times more likely to become pregnant than girls from affluent families. Some feel the lack of money contributes to the lack of access to contraceptives. A second reason is inadequate education in regards to sexuality, the appropriate use and availability of contraceptives and the socioeconomic factors affecting their lives. Regardless the vast majority of these pregnancies will be unplanned, unwanted, and unprepared for.
Teen Sexual Trends and Contributing Factors:
It’s a hard fact for many parents to face, but it’s perfectly age appropriate for teenagers to be curious about sex. The problem is most parents’ reaction to that curiosity is usually shame and lack of communication. When we avoid talking to our kids about sex we leave them no choice but to find their own answers. We also need to remember the issue of peer pressure. Most teens have stated they were not ready for sex but felt obligated due to peer pressure from their friends and/or partners. Sexual abuse will also play a factor in the sex practices of teenagers. Roughly 60% of girls state their first sexual experience before 15 was due to force, meaning rape and those interactions are responsible for about 10% of teen pregnancies. Girls who are victims of incest are also much more likely to be sexually promiscuous as teenagers. The large increase in the usage of drugs and alcohol by teenagers will also naturally contribute to the increase of irresponsible sex practices.
Abuse:
Teenagers who witness or are victims of physical abuse are more likely to become teen parents. Girls with abusive or absent fathers tend to start having sex at earlier ages since it’s not uncommon for girls to associate sex with love therefore they begin having sex in an attempt to fill the void of not having a father. Males who witness sex in the home are obviously more likely to become abusive themselves. Many studies have proven over half of all teen pregnancies involve girls who are currently or were in abusive relationships with the child’s father at the time of conception. It’s very common for the boyfriends to abuse these girls and control every aspect of their life. What most teen girls in these situations don’t understand the abuse very seldom stops after conception. In fact, more than likely it only gets worse and once they become pregnant, they’re less likely to leave because they don’t have the education, job skills, resources, and/or support to raise a child on their own leaving them completely dependent on an abusive partner.
Possible Medical Problems Associated W/ Teen Pregnancy:
Clearly there’re a number of financial and emotional factors related to why teens shouldn’t become parents, but there’s also a number of medical factors often overlooked especially for girls 14 and under. Their pelvic region is not fully developed and may not be wide enough to allow for a normal birth. Most would say, well there’s always the ability to have a C-section. This is true unless the girl lives within serious economic poverty. If that is the case, she may be subjected to less than adequate medical care if she seeks medical care at all. This can lead to the death of the infant and sometimes the death of the mother as well.
Teens also have bodies that are still developing, meaning they’re already in need of certain amounts of nutrients and vitamins for their own growth that they usually don’t get because of their unhealthy eating habits. Common sense would dictate if they can’t take care of their own growing body, they can’t care for a growing fetus. Add issues such as smoking, drinking, and/or taking drugs, the risk factors for under development, low birth weights, deformity, and/or death will once again increase. Each year over 9 million young people between the ages of 15 and 24 receive an STD and these can be extremely dangerous to an unborn fetus. Chlamydia can cause sterility in the person affected as well as eye infections and pneumonia in the baby. Syphilis can cause blindness and maternal/ infant death. We’re all familiar the damage that can be caused by HIV or having Aids while pregnant. Receiving treatment can reduce the risk of passing it along to the baby, but as with any type of medical treatment, there’re no guarantees.
Babies born to teen mothers are more likely to die during their first year and the risk is even higher for babies born to mothers under 15. This is because teen mothers are more likely to have babies of low birth weight and/or prematurely and these babies can face issues with underdeveloped or undeveloped organs, respiratory problems, possible bleeding in the brain, vision loss, and/or serious intestinal problems.
Other Issues With Teen Pregnancy:
Young girls seriously underestimate how difficult life as a teen parent can actually be. I refer specifically to the girls because almost all of these girls will also be single parents. Only 40% of teen mothers graduate high school and 1 out of 100 will actually graduate from college. With a limited education they reduce their opportunities to learn job skills and/or acquire employment. A teen mother will then become completely dependent on her family and/or public assistance. When these mothers become so invested in this cycle, they’re less likely to work to get out of it. Therefore, they remain in a state of being uneducated, jobless, and living in poverty. It’s estimated 64% of children living in poverty are the children of teen mothers. They experience a higher rate of learning disabilities and behavioral problems in school. They are more likely to repeat a grade in school, perform poorly on standardized tests, and evenly drop out. Some speculate the child’s difficulty is due to lack of stimulation from their parents during infancy. Often teen mothers are far too concerned with the own lives and don’t understand and/or care about the importance of attending to the physical/emotional needs of their child.
What’s The Answer:
So what is the solution? While it’s true teen pregnancy is an epidemic that’s 100% preventable, it doesn’t change the fact we’re clearly losing the fight. So regardless of your views surrounding the subject of teens having sex, what we can’t afford to do anymore is keep pretending it’s not happening or that someone else will address the subject. Our teens cannot continue to be naive about the level of responsibility required in being a parent. They need to understand that once they make the choice to be a parent, someone besides themselves will forever be affected by the choices they make in the future!
And before anyone thinks I am speaking on a subject I couldn't possibly relate to, I was also a teen parent so I know first hand the difficulties. I also took responsibility for my teen child. I went to college at night and worked forty hours during the week to support him and I did not have any more children until I was married. I am not proud of that marriage and I did have to do a great deal of parenting during it by myself and was a single parent of three after my divorce. So yes I am very proud of the fact that I did with my three children what some two parents have trouble doing. My oldest son, who I had as a teenager, completely blows out of the water every stereotype there is about teen mothers raising boys without a strong father figure. My current husband was not a part of his life until he was 13 and I am grateful everyday for him, but even to that point, my son had never had so much as a detention, had never done drugs, had never been in a fight, had never even had a negative report from school. He is now a senior who is involved in sports, is 8th in his class academically, is in the NHS, is in the mentor program, and is a kind, good hearted, respectful young man. My other two children also get good grades and are respectful, good hearted children. They have done all this while one of them surviving a father who has never been there for him and all them surviving my marriage to an abusive alcoholic. I also graduated college with an Associates, Bachelors, and Masters degree and I am currently working on a second Masters. I am by NO means saying I am the perfect parent or some "be-all to end-all" because I do make plenty of mistakes, but I have always known that everything in my children's lives would shape the people they become and I have ALWAYS taken my job seriously. I was responsible for three living, breathing, functioning creatures. That is not a small task and too many people do not give it the respect it deserves. The majority of what molds a person emotionally, psychologically, physically, and academically actually happens between the ages of birth and 7, everything after that can make modifications, but who they are, is already there. Your child is basically a computer with no backspace and no delete button.
The age you start having children is not always the most important factor. What truly matters is that you accept responsibility for your actions. Too many teen, males and females, are not willing to accept responsibility, but they also look at adoption as such an insult. "No one else is going to raise my child". Guess what? The second you decided to bring another life into this world, it stopped being about you and now it is ultimately best for that child and nothing else! Every interaction counts...Every word counts...Every moment counts...and if you are not adult enough to take that seriously then you are not adult enough to be a parent.
The Reasons Most Teenagers Become Pregnant:
There are two factors that appear to have influence over the teen pregnancy statistics. One is poverty since girls who live below the poverty line are ten times more likely to become pregnant than girls from affluent families. Some feel the lack of money contributes to the lack of access to contraceptives. A second reason is inadequate education in regards to sexuality, the appropriate use and availability of contraceptives and the socioeconomic factors affecting their lives. Regardless the vast majority of these pregnancies will be unplanned, unwanted, and unprepared for.
Teen Sexual Trends and Contributing Factors:
It’s a hard fact for many parents to face, but it’s perfectly age appropriate for teenagers to be curious about sex. The problem is most parents’ reaction to that curiosity is usually shame and lack of communication. When we avoid talking to our kids about sex we leave them no choice but to find their own answers. We also need to remember the issue of peer pressure. Most teens have stated they were not ready for sex but felt obligated due to peer pressure from their friends and/or partners. Sexual abuse will also play a factor in the sex practices of teenagers. Roughly 60% of girls state their first sexual experience before 15 was due to force, meaning rape and those interactions are responsible for about 10% of teen pregnancies. Girls who are victims of incest are also much more likely to be sexually promiscuous as teenagers. The large increase in the usage of drugs and alcohol by teenagers will also naturally contribute to the increase of irresponsible sex practices.
Abuse:
Teenagers who witness or are victims of physical abuse are more likely to become teen parents. Girls with abusive or absent fathers tend to start having sex at earlier ages since it’s not uncommon for girls to associate sex with love therefore they begin having sex in an attempt to fill the void of not having a father. Males who witness sex in the home are obviously more likely to become abusive themselves. Many studies have proven over half of all teen pregnancies involve girls who are currently or were in abusive relationships with the child’s father at the time of conception. It’s very common for the boyfriends to abuse these girls and control every aspect of their life. What most teen girls in these situations don’t understand the abuse very seldom stops after conception. In fact, more than likely it only gets worse and once they become pregnant, they’re less likely to leave because they don’t have the education, job skills, resources, and/or support to raise a child on their own leaving them completely dependent on an abusive partner.
Possible Medical Problems Associated W/ Teen Pregnancy:
Clearly there’re a number of financial and emotional factors related to why teens shouldn’t become parents, but there’s also a number of medical factors often overlooked especially for girls 14 and under. Their pelvic region is not fully developed and may not be wide enough to allow for a normal birth. Most would say, well there’s always the ability to have a C-section. This is true unless the girl lives within serious economic poverty. If that is the case, she may be subjected to less than adequate medical care if she seeks medical care at all. This can lead to the death of the infant and sometimes the death of the mother as well.
Teens also have bodies that are still developing, meaning they’re already in need of certain amounts of nutrients and vitamins for their own growth that they usually don’t get because of their unhealthy eating habits. Common sense would dictate if they can’t take care of their own growing body, they can’t care for a growing fetus. Add issues such as smoking, drinking, and/or taking drugs, the risk factors for under development, low birth weights, deformity, and/or death will once again increase. Each year over 9 million young people between the ages of 15 and 24 receive an STD and these can be extremely dangerous to an unborn fetus. Chlamydia can cause sterility in the person affected as well as eye infections and pneumonia in the baby. Syphilis can cause blindness and maternal/ infant death. We’re all familiar the damage that can be caused by HIV or having Aids while pregnant. Receiving treatment can reduce the risk of passing it along to the baby, but as with any type of medical treatment, there’re no guarantees.
Babies born to teen mothers are more likely to die during their first year and the risk is even higher for babies born to mothers under 15. This is because teen mothers are more likely to have babies of low birth weight and/or prematurely and these babies can face issues with underdeveloped or undeveloped organs, respiratory problems, possible bleeding in the brain, vision loss, and/or serious intestinal problems.
Other Issues With Teen Pregnancy:
Young girls seriously underestimate how difficult life as a teen parent can actually be. I refer specifically to the girls because almost all of these girls will also be single parents. Only 40% of teen mothers graduate high school and 1 out of 100 will actually graduate from college. With a limited education they reduce their opportunities to learn job skills and/or acquire employment. A teen mother will then become completely dependent on her family and/or public assistance. When these mothers become so invested in this cycle, they’re less likely to work to get out of it. Therefore, they remain in a state of being uneducated, jobless, and living in poverty. It’s estimated 64% of children living in poverty are the children of teen mothers. They experience a higher rate of learning disabilities and behavioral problems in school. They are more likely to repeat a grade in school, perform poorly on standardized tests, and evenly drop out. Some speculate the child’s difficulty is due to lack of stimulation from their parents during infancy. Often teen mothers are far too concerned with the own lives and don’t understand and/or care about the importance of attending to the physical/emotional needs of their child.
What’s The Answer:
So what is the solution? While it’s true teen pregnancy is an epidemic that’s 100% preventable, it doesn’t change the fact we’re clearly losing the fight. So regardless of your views surrounding the subject of teens having sex, what we can’t afford to do anymore is keep pretending it’s not happening or that someone else will address the subject. Our teens cannot continue to be naive about the level of responsibility required in being a parent. They need to understand that once they make the choice to be a parent, someone besides themselves will forever be affected by the choices they make in the future!
And before anyone thinks I am speaking on a subject I couldn't possibly relate to, I was also a teen parent so I know first hand the difficulties. I also took responsibility for my teen child. I went to college at night and worked forty hours during the week to support him and I did not have any more children until I was married. I am not proud of that marriage and I did have to do a great deal of parenting during it by myself and was a single parent of three after my divorce. So yes I am very proud of the fact that I did with my three children what some two parents have trouble doing. My oldest son, who I had as a teenager, completely blows out of the water every stereotype there is about teen mothers raising boys without a strong father figure. My current husband was not a part of his life until he was 13 and I am grateful everyday for him, but even to that point, my son had never had so much as a detention, had never done drugs, had never been in a fight, had never even had a negative report from school. He is now a senior who is involved in sports, is 8th in his class academically, is in the NHS, is in the mentor program, and is a kind, good hearted, respectful young man. My other two children also get good grades and are respectful, good hearted children. They have done all this while one of them surviving a father who has never been there for him and all them surviving my marriage to an abusive alcoholic. I also graduated college with an Associates, Bachelors, and Masters degree and I am currently working on a second Masters. I am by NO means saying I am the perfect parent or some "be-all to end-all" because I do make plenty of mistakes, but I have always known that everything in my children's lives would shape the people they become and I have ALWAYS taken my job seriously. I was responsible for three living, breathing, functioning creatures. That is not a small task and too many people do not give it the respect it deserves. The majority of what molds a person emotionally, psychologically, physically, and academically actually happens between the ages of birth and 7, everything after that can make modifications, but who they are, is already there. Your child is basically a computer with no backspace and no delete button.
The age you start having children is not always the most important factor. What truly matters is that you accept responsibility for your actions. Too many teen, males and females, are not willing to accept responsibility, but they also look at adoption as such an insult. "No one else is going to raise my child". Guess what? The second you decided to bring another life into this world, it stopped being about you and now it is ultimately best for that child and nothing else! Every interaction counts...Every word counts...Every moment counts...and if you are not adult enough to take that seriously then you are not adult enough to be a parent.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
The Moment When Parenting Pays Off...
I think most parents spend everyday asking themselves the same questions: Am I doing the right thing? Am I teaching them the right values? What kind of an adult are they going to grow up to be? Will they always make the right decisions? Can I trust them to always do what is best? It is a never ending cycle that goes on and on and on with what appears to be no end in sight. However, I do think there are those rare glimpses of hope that sometimes come to show us, yes, you are going the right course, they are going to be okay. Then again it may not ever happen for some people, but I can say, that small moment did come for me Friday night.
It was a typical Friday night for us, we had a football game to attend for Jesse. Bradley and I have been happier to see this year that the coach has appeared to be taking advantage of the fact that Jesse can catch and can run. Now I know that most parents are always the first in line to cheer for their child, but folks this isn't just me. First of all, Bradley is one of the most unbiased opinions out there. Not only is a sports savant, but he has always been one of Jesse's hardest critic's. He has even had many discussions with the coaches and told them over the years that he knows Jesse is not strong on the defensive side, but he hands are 97% accurate. One of the coaches at UT also told Jesse that he had some the best hands he had ever seen on a high school football player and that was a sophomore. On top of all that, since 7th grade, Jesse has never missed a practice, he has never failed a class, he has never had a detention, he has given up every summer he has had for football to attend captain's camps, footballs camps, and even extra practices they were not even required to attend. Anything that has ever been asked of him, he has given it, but it has taken till his senior year for people to finally let him show what he is capable of. This past Friday night I was extremely frustrated as a parent because I felt there were many opportunities for that talent to be utilized and could have been capitalized on, but it was ignored and I am not just saying that for my son, but other players as well. I am watching the same game as everyone else and the players who are consistently being used are the same ones who consistently getting calls for unsportsmanlike conduct, the ones who are also disrespectful off the field, and the ones who are caught doing illegal things off the field. Kids who intentionally try to see what negative things they can get away with on the field by doing things like grabbing face masks after the play is over. The are also the kids who do not attend the camps because they are in summer school and do not attend the optional camps because they just don't feel like it. And none of this is speculation, rumor, or conjecture on my part, it is all fact, it is all things that are seen by all of us, it is just things that most do not want to acknowledge. However, those children are not mine to worry about, but having worked with kids for so long and knowing what I know about human behavior and what happens when kids grow up in a world where they can do no wrong and no one ever tells them no, well it just makes for a very difficult future.
I will not pretend to understand what it is like to be a high school coach or teacher, but at the same time, sometimes I wish they would acknowledge how things must look to us parents and to the other team mates. You have children who are overachieving academically, are respectful, honest, well behaved kids, who always give you 100%, and they are being overshadowed by the kids who are drinking, doing drugs, openly rude to their parents in public, bullying other kids, could care less about their academics, and have no regard for others in anyway. We try to teach our children that having good morals, good ethics, and a positive attitude is what will get you ahead, but yet they are seeing every day that is not the case. How are we as parents supposed to compete with that? Well, as I stated previously, the answer to that very question came to me Friday night. I told Jesse how sorry I was for him and I felt that he and other people on the team are being done a disservice and as much as I would love to be able to explain to him why and as his mother, I would love nothing more than to take his disappointment away, I can't. And he just responded "Mom I know, but all I can do is keep going". Right there, those few words showed me that he has gotten it. That I have taught him life is ALWAYS going to be unfair in someway. There will always be cases when you feel someone should not be getting ahead of you, but they will. No matter what, you have to continue to give everything you have knowing that one day someone will see it and it will pay off!
I would like for anyone who reads this and might take offense to it to understand this blog is not about bashing other children or their parents. I have watched this team play together for six years so I have had plenty of time to develop an opinion and see things for myself, just as many others have. Believe me, I have seen things that border on intolerable. I have also seen things that if Jesse had done it, playing football ever again would be the least of his worries. I may not in anyway agree with some of the choices the coaches makes, I may not in anyway agree with the way some parents on this team handle the behaviors of the children, and I may not agree in anyway with the way in which some of the boys on the team behave, but as I stated, those children are not mine and their affect on this world and those within it, will not be my issue to address. Everyone is entitled to parent their own way. While I do wish some coaches would keep in mind that even though winning the game is important, the self esteem and self worth of a child is by far much more important, this blog is not about that either. This blog is about my son and only my son. To let the world and him know who truly fabulous he is and what a magnificant man he is going to be in the future and how Bradley and I and only Bradley and I get to take credit for it! We love you so much Jeeter and you are going to do such great things in this life. We are so happy we get to be a part of that!
It was a typical Friday night for us, we had a football game to attend for Jesse. Bradley and I have been happier to see this year that the coach has appeared to be taking advantage of the fact that Jesse can catch and can run. Now I know that most parents are always the first in line to cheer for their child, but folks this isn't just me. First of all, Bradley is one of the most unbiased opinions out there. Not only is a sports savant, but he has always been one of Jesse's hardest critic's. He has even had many discussions with the coaches and told them over the years that he knows Jesse is not strong on the defensive side, but he hands are 97% accurate. One of the coaches at UT also told Jesse that he had some the best hands he had ever seen on a high school football player and that was a sophomore. On top of all that, since 7th grade, Jesse has never missed a practice, he has never failed a class, he has never had a detention, he has given up every summer he has had for football to attend captain's camps, footballs camps, and even extra practices they were not even required to attend. Anything that has ever been asked of him, he has given it, but it has taken till his senior year for people to finally let him show what he is capable of. This past Friday night I was extremely frustrated as a parent because I felt there were many opportunities for that talent to be utilized and could have been capitalized on, but it was ignored and I am not just saying that for my son, but other players as well. I am watching the same game as everyone else and the players who are consistently being used are the same ones who consistently getting calls for unsportsmanlike conduct, the ones who are also disrespectful off the field, and the ones who are caught doing illegal things off the field. Kids who intentionally try to see what negative things they can get away with on the field by doing things like grabbing face masks after the play is over. The are also the kids who do not attend the camps because they are in summer school and do not attend the optional camps because they just don't feel like it. And none of this is speculation, rumor, or conjecture on my part, it is all fact, it is all things that are seen by all of us, it is just things that most do not want to acknowledge. However, those children are not mine to worry about, but having worked with kids for so long and knowing what I know about human behavior and what happens when kids grow up in a world where they can do no wrong and no one ever tells them no, well it just makes for a very difficult future.
I will not pretend to understand what it is like to be a high school coach or teacher, but at the same time, sometimes I wish they would acknowledge how things must look to us parents and to the other team mates. You have children who are overachieving academically, are respectful, honest, well behaved kids, who always give you 100%, and they are being overshadowed by the kids who are drinking, doing drugs, openly rude to their parents in public, bullying other kids, could care less about their academics, and have no regard for others in anyway. We try to teach our children that having good morals, good ethics, and a positive attitude is what will get you ahead, but yet they are seeing every day that is not the case. How are we as parents supposed to compete with that? Well, as I stated previously, the answer to that very question came to me Friday night. I told Jesse how sorry I was for him and I felt that he and other people on the team are being done a disservice and as much as I would love to be able to explain to him why and as his mother, I would love nothing more than to take his disappointment away, I can't. And he just responded "Mom I know, but all I can do is keep going". Right there, those few words showed me that he has gotten it. That I have taught him life is ALWAYS going to be unfair in someway. There will always be cases when you feel someone should not be getting ahead of you, but they will. No matter what, you have to continue to give everything you have knowing that one day someone will see it and it will pay off!
I would like for anyone who reads this and might take offense to it to understand this blog is not about bashing other children or their parents. I have watched this team play together for six years so I have had plenty of time to develop an opinion and see things for myself, just as many others have. Believe me, I have seen things that border on intolerable. I have also seen things that if Jesse had done it, playing football ever again would be the least of his worries. I may not in anyway agree with some of the choices the coaches makes, I may not in anyway agree with the way some parents on this team handle the behaviors of the children, and I may not agree in anyway with the way in which some of the boys on the team behave, but as I stated, those children are not mine and their affect on this world and those within it, will not be my issue to address. Everyone is entitled to parent their own way. While I do wish some coaches would keep in mind that even though winning the game is important, the self esteem and self worth of a child is by far much more important, this blog is not about that either. This blog is about my son and only my son. To let the world and him know who truly fabulous he is and what a magnificant man he is going to be in the future and how Bradley and I and only Bradley and I get to take credit for it! We love you so much Jeeter and you are going to do such great things in this life. We are so happy we get to be a part of that!
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Tiny to Teenager...Too Fast
Thirteen years ago today I was very surprised when I went into labor six weeks early, but if I was to be perfectly honest, not too surprised because that train had already started itself in motion weeks before. I guess I was just hoping she could have held on a little longer, but as she has proven in each day of her life, she has the patience of her mother and that is none! So early she came and tiny she was. Now she was not as tiny as preemie's can get mind you because I have seen some pretty small ones. She was just over five pounds, but because she was not able to eat she did lose several ounces and we all know on a baby who is already small, every ounce counts. It wasn't so much her size that was an issue, it was the fact that her lungs were caught right in the middle of their development and any doctor will tell you, if a baby has to be born early, it's always best to catch them before or after, but never in the middle. So the second she was born, she was taken to neonatal.
A normal newborn will take 40-60 breaths per minute and their heart will beat 120-160 times a minute. This little girl was taking 80-90 breaths a minute and her heart was beating 180-190 times. Clearly this presents issues like her heart rupturing because it was working so hard, she could damage her under developed lungs because they were working so hard, and of course there was the fact that she couldn't eat. Since she was breathing so fast, they could not give her liquids for fear it would go down the wrong pipe and she would drown herself. A situation such as this would be scary for just about any person, but for me it was even more so because 18 months before that, I had lost my first daughter who was also born early and had complications. Watching that tiny creature in that incubator I made a deal with God. I told him that I accepted it the first time, but this time I would not be able to handle it or make it through and this child needed his help because if she didn't make it we would no longer be on speaking terms.
Well, here we are 13 years later and that beautiful, tiny creature is just shy of being taller than me. She loves to play soccer, loves school, and is as smart as the day is long. God kept his end of the deal and has watched over her everyday and I know that because she is unbelievably healthy. A little clumsy, but very healthy...lol...
She is one of four, but one of the three I have in this life and my only girl. She is in EVERY WAY her mother's daughter, good, bad, or indifferent. We have butted heads many times and I am sure we will many more, but we have also laughed together, cried together, and made some great memories together. She is truly one of kind and I would not trade her for all the wealth or fame in the world. That child is Kyndall Jeanyce and today, she is 13, a teenager. The next rung on the ladder before becoming an adult. The day she has waited for for many years because she knows it means she now gets a cell phone and can go to PG-13 movies by herself, but a day I am not any where near ready for.
However, as parents, are we ever? Do we ever become really ready for the next big step? Of course not, but we do have to let go and watch them do it. Life is the only teacher that gives you the test first and lesson later, but we parents need to accept that life IS NOT a success only journey. There will be fails, there will be mistakes, and there will be "uh oh" moments. Let them have them. I like to think of parenting as sort of a bowling lane. When they are little you give them the bumper pads and the cheater rail so they always stay on the straight way, but as they get older, you have to start removing those things and let them land in the gutter every once in a while because if you don't, they will never figure out how to stay on the straight way with out cheating or shortcuts!
In closing, I just want to wish my lovely daughter a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I look forward to many, many more!!! Just know that Bradley, Jesse, James, and I will always be your biggest cheerleaders!
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A normal newborn will take 40-60 breaths per minute and their heart will beat 120-160 times a minute. This little girl was taking 80-90 breaths a minute and her heart was beating 180-190 times. Clearly this presents issues like her heart rupturing because it was working so hard, she could damage her under developed lungs because they were working so hard, and of course there was the fact that she couldn't eat. Since she was breathing so fast, they could not give her liquids for fear it would go down the wrong pipe and she would drown herself. A situation such as this would be scary for just about any person, but for me it was even more so because 18 months before that, I had lost my first daughter who was also born early and had complications. Watching that tiny creature in that incubator I made a deal with God. I told him that I accepted it the first time, but this time I would not be able to handle it or make it through and this child needed his help because if she didn't make it we would no longer be on speaking terms.
Well, here we are 13 years later and that beautiful, tiny creature is just shy of being taller than me. She loves to play soccer, loves school, and is as smart as the day is long. God kept his end of the deal and has watched over her everyday and I know that because she is unbelievably healthy. A little clumsy, but very healthy...lol...
She is one of four, but one of the three I have in this life and my only girl. She is in EVERY WAY her mother's daughter, good, bad, or indifferent. We have butted heads many times and I am sure we will many more, but we have also laughed together, cried together, and made some great memories together. She is truly one of kind and I would not trade her for all the wealth or fame in the world. That child is Kyndall Jeanyce and today, she is 13, a teenager. The next rung on the ladder before becoming an adult. The day she has waited for for many years because she knows it means she now gets a cell phone and can go to PG-13 movies by herself, but a day I am not any where near ready for.
However, as parents, are we ever? Do we ever become really ready for the next big step? Of course not, but we do have to let go and watch them do it. Life is the only teacher that gives you the test first and lesson later, but we parents need to accept that life IS NOT a success only journey. There will be fails, there will be mistakes, and there will be "uh oh" moments. Let them have them. I like to think of parenting as sort of a bowling lane. When they are little you give them the bumper pads and the cheater rail so they always stay on the straight way, but as they get older, you have to start removing those things and let them land in the gutter every once in a while because if you don't, they will never figure out how to stay on the straight way with out cheating or shortcuts!
In closing, I just want to wish my lovely daughter a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I look forward to many, many more!!! Just know that Bradley, Jesse, James, and I will always be your biggest cheerleaders!
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Tuesday, September 11, 2012
My Second Greatest Journey...
Five years ago this month, I saw this person who just had something about him that cannot be put into words, but it made me want to know him better. After the first time we were able to really spend time together, I knew I wanted to see him again. After the second time, I knew I loved him. He had this way of making you feel like you were the only person alive and still does to this day. Even though I had been married before and even though I had been in relationships before, that is a feeling I sadly have to say, I had never felt, but it was something I liked. This man makes me feel as though nothing in the world could ever harm me. He always has wonderful things to say and ALWAYS makes me feel beautiful. Never mind the fact that the majority of the time I don't believe him, it never has mattered. He has never stopped trying. The ways in which he helps me cannot even be counted which he deserves more credit than the average person because when he signed up for this, the majority of the medical issues I have now, I didn't have then, but that has never changed his mind in anyway. He is not your typical man around the house. I have NEVER had to fight him to do dishes or laundry or simple picking up or bathrooms or vacuuming or taking out the trash or any of the other normal household chores. We split all the household duties because luckily for me, he is not one of those who believes, men are incapable or excused from such things simply for being a man!
More importantly to me, it is how he is with my children and has been with them since day one. Being a parent is one thing, but being a step-parent is something completely different because in those cases the person is making a choice to love a child that they don't have to. This man took my three children as his own and NEVER looked back. I know there are times when men decided to be with women and look at her children as "necessary baggage" or a sort of consequence for getting to be with the women. Honestly there are times, I feel like the necessary baggage...lol...for he is a true kid at heart. He loves to read with them, throw the football or the baseball or a tennis ball or even a ping pong ball, anything as long as it has to do with sports. He coaches their teams, puts together puzzles, go to their school events, eats lunch with them at school, and in every way is just as big a cheerleader for them as I am.
That person is Bradley Dennis and five years ago he made my life as an "I" a life as a "we" and nearly two years ago, he did me the honor of giving me his last name. I say this has been my second greatest journey because of course motherhood was my first, but the fast years have not been an easy one for him or I. We have watched as people have made comments to us about our choice in spouses, some have questioned and continue to question how we feel for one another, listened as people have said ugly things about one or both of us, stood by as people have judged us, some people have made attempts to persuade us to undue our choices, and we have even watched as some people have exited our lives. None of these being strangers or mere acquaintances, but people who we thought would support us. I don't have a past some find desirable or even acceptable. That fact has been used to question my motives for loving Brad and even used to decide I am not capable of loving him the way he deserves. Those events made me who I am and who I am is a person who loves Brad for Brad whether others accept that or not. My heart has hurt for Brad so many times because when I look at what a pure, good, giving, wonderful soul he has, he deserves so much better than he has gotten.
The fact is I can't do anything about the opinions of others, but what I say to Brad is this. At the end of the day, there are only three of us in this relationship, you, me, and God. As far as myself and God, I know how much we love and adore you and we are not going anywhere (I don't think he would care if I said that much for him...lol). I love you more today than I did yesterday and I will more tomorrow than I do today. It's only been five years, but I am more than ready for the next 50! As far as everyone else, well, shame on you! Regardless I know what they have lost and what we have gained! I love you BIG!!!
Our first picture together!
More importantly to me, it is how he is with my children and has been with them since day one. Being a parent is one thing, but being a step-parent is something completely different because in those cases the person is making a choice to love a child that they don't have to. This man took my three children as his own and NEVER looked back. I know there are times when men decided to be with women and look at her children as "necessary baggage" or a sort of consequence for getting to be with the women. Honestly there are times, I feel like the necessary baggage...lol...for he is a true kid at heart. He loves to read with them, throw the football or the baseball or a tennis ball or even a ping pong ball, anything as long as it has to do with sports. He coaches their teams, puts together puzzles, go to their school events, eats lunch with them at school, and in every way is just as big a cheerleader for them as I am.
That person is Bradley Dennis and five years ago he made my life as an "I" a life as a "we" and nearly two years ago, he did me the honor of giving me his last name. I say this has been my second greatest journey because of course motherhood was my first, but the fast years have not been an easy one for him or I. We have watched as people have made comments to us about our choice in spouses, some have questioned and continue to question how we feel for one another, listened as people have said ugly things about one or both of us, stood by as people have judged us, some people have made attempts to persuade us to undue our choices, and we have even watched as some people have exited our lives. None of these being strangers or mere acquaintances, but people who we thought would support us. I don't have a past some find desirable or even acceptable. That fact has been used to question my motives for loving Brad and even used to decide I am not capable of loving him the way he deserves. Those events made me who I am and who I am is a person who loves Brad for Brad whether others accept that or not. My heart has hurt for Brad so many times because when I look at what a pure, good, giving, wonderful soul he has, he deserves so much better than he has gotten.
The fact is I can't do anything about the opinions of others, but what I say to Brad is this. At the end of the day, there are only three of us in this relationship, you, me, and God. As far as myself and God, I know how much we love and adore you and we are not going anywhere (I don't think he would care if I said that much for him...lol). I love you more today than I did yesterday and I will more tomorrow than I do today. It's only been five years, but I am more than ready for the next 50! As far as everyone else, well, shame on you! Regardless I know what they have lost and what we have gained! I love you BIG!!!
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Helping Children Cope With Death by Stacy Dennis
Children younger than 5 or 6 have a very literal view of the world so use basic, but concrete terms. For example, you can tell them the person’s body just doesn’t work anymore and the doctor’s weren’t able to fix it. They may have an easier time understanding “death” as meaning the person’s body stopped working. Kids this age have difficulty associating death with finality so don’t be surprised if they continue to ask when their loved one is coming back. Just calmly reiterate when a person dies, it means they can’t come back. Avoid using phrases like “went away” or “went to sleep”. These phrases will only add to their confusion and it can also cause them to develop a personal fear of going to sleep.
Children who are 6-10 have a better idea about the finality of death, but at the same time may have an altered perception of death in that they may associate it with things such as the “boogeyman” or skeletons. Again it is important to be accurate, clear, and honest with your explanations.
Older children are able to make the connection that eventually everything dies regardless of behavior or wishes. However, as their understanding evolves, their level and number of questions will also. If someone they know dies in a car accident for example, they may become apprehensive about being in a car. Help them understand that yes, the accident was a terrible thing, but also explain why it’s even more important to make every effort to be safe and smart when riding in a car. Like always wearing a seat belt or never get into the car with anyone who has been drinking. Teens also tend to search for much deeper meanings of death, especially when it’s someone very close to them in that they will explore “the meaning of life.” When a teen has a peer die or they were involved in an accident where someone died and they didn’t, teens will carry a great deal of guilt. ENCOURAGE THEM TO EXPRESS AND SHARE THEIR GRIEF! At the same time, don’t hide your grief from your children. This will show them crying isn’t an unnatural and/or unwanted response to emotional pain. Should you take your child to the funeral? This decision is totally up to the parent and the child. Children should be allowed to participate in any part of the mourning process they feel comfortable with, but make sure they’re completely aware of what to expect such as the casket, the viewing of the body in some cases, and that the person in the casket cannot see or hear anything. There cannot be unnecessary surprises that will add to their anxiety.
If you feel you need assistance or other resources to help a child and/or yourself get through a time such as this, there are grief counselors, books, and some community programs available. Some communities even offer special camps children can attend that will allow them to be surrounded by other children who are experiencing the same things they are. If you are dealing with an impending death of a loved one due to terminal illness, do not hesitate to ask your doctor to give you extra time or to explain just once more the details of your loved one’s illness, even if that means arranging a special appointment. Make sure you get clear answers to your questions regarding the medical diagnosis and treatment so you feel most comfortable when the time comes to explain things to your child.
Above all, grieving a personal process that has no time limit, nor one “right” way to do it. Coping with loss is a deeply personal experience and most cannot understand all the emotions that children go through, but we can be there for them and help comfort them through the process. The best thing you can do is to allow them to feel the grief as it comes because resisting it will only prolong the natural process of healing. Also remember that lack of crying doesn’t mean someone isn’t grieving the loss just as hard, especially children. Some children may become overactive or start acting out. Teens can appear to be annoyed by the topic and refuse to discuss it. Regardless this isn’t a reflection on you or their feelings towards the person. Major changes such as becoming seriously withdrawn, extremely anxious, overly emotional, volatile, drastic changes in grades or school behavior, could be an indication of an inability to cope. In this happens, seek help immediately.
Death is simply one of those life lessons parents will be unable to shield their children from and all of the above lessons would apply the same even if it were a matter of a parent that had been lost. If we remember it’s a process and help them cope in a healthy way, it will not only make the loss easier, but it will start to build lifelong emotional resources within them.
On a final note, another useful tool is to keep in mind the five stages of mourning that every person goes through with a loss and a child is no exception because mourning is a universal emotion. Bereavement is different for everyone. The five stages do not necessarily occur in order and each one may be different in length and that is okay. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. The key to understanding and getting through a death is not the order, but the process:
Denial and Isolation
The first reaction to learning about a death of a loved one is to deny the reality of it. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that helps us to buffer the shock. It is simply a temporary response that will carry us through the initial pain.
Anger
As the effects of denial begin to wear off, the reality will set in, and the pain will re-emerge and often times we are not ready. We feel angry that our loved one has left us, we feel guilty for feeling angry, and that just makes the anger worse. Anger is an intense emotion deflected from vulnerability, redirected, and expressed. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends, or family, it can be directed at our dying or deceased loved one, and for religious persons, they may even become extremely angry with God. It is important for us to remember that this is part of the grieving and not blame the grieving party.
Bargaining
The normal reaction to feeling helpless and/or vulnerable is a need to regain control. Sometimes we do this by asking ourselves questions such as:
- If only we had sought medical attention sooner
- If only we got a second opinion from another doctor
- If only we had tried to be a better person toward them
- If only I had been there for them more
Depression
There are generally two types of depression associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss and Sadness and/or regret encompass this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial, we worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. We can make this phase easier to handle by simply clarifying and reassuring such as a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to tell our loved one goodbye. At the end of the day, sometimes we all just need a hug!
Acceptance
The simply face is, reaching this stage of mourning process is something not afforded to everyone. Sometimes death is sudden and unexpected we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It does not makes us braver or stronger than others to resist the inevitable and/or to deny ourselves the opportunity to make peace with the situation. This phase is marked by now being happy and having developed a calmness with the event and must be not confused with depression.
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