"Bribery, Battling, and Bad Role Modeling: The Trifecta For A Parental Disaster"

I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to figure out I have a passion for parenting and improving (myself included) how we as a society go about it because the fact is "you learn what you live, you live what you learn". If we want our children to do better, we have to teach them better. There is not many better places to look for material than Toddlers In Tiaras!!! The show is a train wreck in every sense of the word and it makes for prime pickings when it comes things that are just not appropriate for parents to do. However, as much as we would like to believe these unacceptable traits and habits are limited to one very small and specific population, it is unfortunately not the case. I have witnessed just as many revolting things in stores, at sporting events, even in parks. What I have done is whittled the many, many things I see every day down to three categories that I feel are the most offensive and the most damaging: Bribery, Battling, and Bad Role Modeling!

BRIBERY:
This is pretty much exactly as it sounds. Getting your children to perform, behave, and/or do what they are expected to do by promising them things like money or gifts is so wrong, in so many colors, on so many levels. What useful life skill do you possibly think you are teaching them by doing this? I will tell you. You are teaching them how to act entitled, pushy, and bossy. Because the world doesn't already have enough of those types of people? Offering a candy if they agree to take a nap, promising a toy for behaving at day care, giving them money so they won't act out at school, before you know it you are buying them a car just so they will get passing grades and you can get them graduated from high school. These children are going to grow up believing that when people want something from them, they should only have to do it if they get something THEY WANT in return first and the more the person needs it, the bigger their gift should be. Meaning they will never do anything for anyone in anyway unless there is something in it for them and in essence you are denying them of the ability to develop compassion, understanding, and empathy for others, you are depriving them of any type of work ethic, and you are denying the satisfaction of achieving something simply because they possess the ability. I also think it would be helpful to apply a little common sense here (I know, not the strongest character trait of most of the population). If you are having to bribe your child to get them to participate in a activity, then you might want to re-evaluate whether or not they even want to be in that activity! Children who are doing things they love and get enjoyment out of it, don't usually have to be bribed to get motivated. (We also have an epidemic in our society of parents giving their kids electronics, toys, money, clothes, whatever they want, hand over fist, without the slightest hint of them ever having to work for it or earn it in anyway which only helps to create an individual who as an adult will NEVER want to work because, well they have never had so why start now? For those parents I hope you are very close with your children because they will still be living with you at 30!)

BATTLING:
There will never be any beneficial life skill that a child can develop through a parent developing the habit of negotiating/arguing with them. You are the parent, you are the adult. Don't barter and negotiate with your children. Do not get into a power struggle with them. Children of all ages need structure, they need limits, they need expectations, and they need to understand there are consequences for not following those because that is how life works. If you give them a task to do, make sure they know you expect them to do it, and only say it one time. If they choose not to, enforce a consequence. You choose the behavior, you choose the consequence, that is how they learn that! Negotiating with your children only teaches them how to be manipulative adults. Now please understand that when I say you should expect them to do what you ask the first time, I am not referring to things such as sports or other extracurricular activities. I don't believe children should be forced to do something they hate because for whatever reason YOU think it's important. Our job is to parent, not have a childhood do-over through the avenue of our own children.  I am referring to responsibilities. I also do not believe that you will EVER develop an appropriate or positive parent/child relationship if the only way you can get your child to perform is out of fear and intimidation. However, that is a whole different can of worms we will save for another day!

BAD ROLE MODELING:
For whatever reason too many parents are content to act like juveniles in public and even worse, in front of their children. This is another epidemic that has seriously got to stop.  Fighting, vulgarity, belligerence, clothing with insane profanity and inappropriateness on it, bullying other children, grown men making lewd comments about and towards women, grown women threatening other women for "checking out their man" with the Marlboro hanging out of their mouth, and these are all things I have seen happen directly in front of children! I guarantee you these will be the same parents who when the school calls them 15 times a week to report their child's negative behavior, they are not only going to act astonished, but then say "that is not something they learned at home!"  I also find it amazing that it must be said out loud how completely disgusting it is for adults to pick on other children. I mean really, seriously? People who call themselves grown ups calling children ugly, poor, stupid, dirty, or whatever hateful name you can think of. Or how about parents who openly make comments and/or throw a tempter tantrum, while in front of their child, raving that their child was "robbed" or "cheated" because they didn't get a certain award or position that they felt they should have for no other reason than the parents status or income bracket!  Awesome, there is another great life skill. Teaching children that if they don't get what they want, when they want it, then acting like a toddler and bullying others into giving in is completely acceptable at any age!

Here is the million dollar question parents: Do you want to raise a bunch of self-entitled, pushy, bossy, arrogant, rude, narrow minded, angry, selfish, manipulative, lazy, egotistical little princesses and princes who thrive on taking advantage of others and believe it's okay because the center of the universe is their self portrait? I would like to believe every parent would say, "Of course not, are you crazy!" Then please enlighten to me as to why so many people are teaching their children every life skill that will allow them to do just that??? Do you want children who are unable to maintain a job? Do you want children who are unable to sustain a serious relationship? Do you want children who no one would want their son or daughter to date, let alone marry? Do you want children who people don't trust, don't like, and would rather set themselves on fire than have to be around? No...GOOD...then why are you creating that very person?

The Problem Is Not Our Schools...

In light of the recent events in Connecticut and like with any major tragedy in the United States, society is now up in knots over the safety our schools, over the security offered, and over gun control laws. Honestly, I feel like it is keeping in tradition with what I have said for years and that is we are a nation and a society full of reactive and not proactive people.

To address the issues people have with being afraid to send our kids to school, was it not long ago that one of these shootings happened in a movie theater and not long before that it happened in a shopping mall? Clearly these tragedies can happen anywhere so what are parents going to do? Keep your kids at home forever? Never let them out of your sight? Can't be done. As parents we worry every time we send them out into the world and that is not going to change so everyone screaming "I am never going to send my kids to school again", not the answer.

As far as the security in our schools. Well I really think the schools and the parents within those schools have to make that determination for themselves and their area, not the general public deciding what is best for everyone. However, I also don't think that making our kids feel like they are going to school in prison or a war zone is the answer either. I also know that it has been stated in the news today that the shooter in this situation FORCED himself into the school, he didn't just walk in willy nilly. Proving not only that every one's comments about people just having free reign to walk into schools and do things like this are completely false, but also, once again, proving that we are entirely too reactive!

As far as taking away people's right to have guns period, come on...really? I do not have a gun myself, but my father owns enough to take over a small country and I also grew up shooting them regularly and still enjoy doing it now. However, for the sake of giggles, let's play this argument out. If we are going to take away this vehicle that contributes to crime, then we need to take away all cars to avoid drunk driving accidents. Then we need to take away all knives to avoid stabbings. Then we need to become a dry nation with no alcohol to do away with all fights, domestic violence incidents, and other crimes that are directly alcohol induced. Then we need to do away with all technology and Internet so we can get rid of things like cyber-bullying, cyber-stalking, identity theft, and all other crimes that are assisted and/or only made possible through technology. Sounds insane right? Well if we are going to entertain one argument you can't very well not entertain all of them, so where does it stop? The problem is not the vehicle or tool used, it is the person utilizing it!

Just  my opinion, but I think what could really help situations such as these, is better mental health care across the board. Now I will say I don't know for a fact that mental illness played a part in these shootings, but I will say as a person with common sense, if you are 20 years old and decide to walk into an elementary school with four guns to open fire on children, you are probably not functioning on the same level as a person with all their faculties.  As a society, we treat people with mental illness like we do the homeless, like they are less than and don't matter. The fact of the matter is, mental illness is either something you are born with because of genetics or something that was FORCED on you due to extreme circumstances, usually in childhood. These people need help, not judgment. They are human beings who deserve some compassion and people need to remember mental illness is something that could just as easily happen to you or someone you love as it could happen to anyone else. We do have gun laws for criminals so I believe another thing that would help would be gun laws for people with mental illness. I'm not naïve enough to think this will in anyway completely solve the problem because ultimately if someone really wants a gun, they are going to get one. However, while people with mental illness do deserve and need compassion and respect, we also have to remember that not all of them are capable of making decisions that are in the best interest of themselves or others, let alone the safest.

I don't think there is ever going to be a perfect answer on how to ensure our kids or society as a whole are going to be completely safe because unfortunately, we live in a world where bad things happen. What I do feel is we need to stop reacting from our hearts and prejudices and start reacting from our heads. I said this exact same thing in regards to the sex offender registry and those labeled as "sex offenders." A great deal of people really hated my statements about that, but I am here to tell you a police chief, a warden, and several criminal justice professors, LOVED what I had to say by stating it made them really think about how much that system should be changed, something they never even considered before. Call it arrogant, that's fine, but I believe when you do something you are proud of and people acknowledge it, there is nothing wrong with being proud of it yourself. However, that was another article and I am off topic. I whole heartedly believe one of the biggest issues holding us back as a nation is the fact that every time there is an injustice or something we can't explain, we react from our guts and not our brains. That is fear. When bad things happen that people can't understand or explain, it makes people afraid. That fear makes them react in ways that are often not reasonable. Fear is normal, fear is a part of life, but fear cannot be made the foundation for our decisions as a nation. I think until we change that, we may find change in other places to be slow coming, if at all!

I have lost a child so I do know that pain, but I only knew my child for four and half hours. Those hours were beautiful, they were precious, but they were short. I have also said many times, that while my loss was so very difficult, I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to lose one of my other children who, for so many years, I have watched grow and develop, just as I will not compare it to someone else's child. A child who was with them long enough to make memories, to share joy, to share in their life. Even more so, I will not compare my loss to those who have lost a child at the hands of someone else's anger or someone else's selfishness. I am speaking only for myself when I say, I don't feel it is the same. Believing that and feeling that, I want to add that my heart and my prayers go out to all those affected so deeply and personally by this tragedy. In as situation such as this, I know these words really sound hollow and empty and they change nothing, but please know you are thought of. I would also like to say again, as I have many times, that heroes are not just those who wear uniforms. The adults who thought nothing of their own lives or safety in an effort to sacrifice for these children are a prime example of that and they should be forever recognized for it!

The Road Of A Man: What I Feel Our Young Boys Need To Learn (Dedicated To My Sons)

Eighteen years ago I found myself in the same predicament that many young teenage girls do today when I took a pregnancy test and it gave the ill fated result of "positive". Also like so many girls, I was scared and I knew I would be doing it alone (as far as the father goes). I had at least graduated from high school, but when we are talking about nearly two decades ago, being teenage mom had not become the phenomenon it is today. It was a very "in house", hush hush subject. There was one thing I was sure of from the day I found out I was pregnant and that was I knew he would be a boy and I knew he would look just like his father. I was right. He had many struggles coming into this world and in fact almost didn't make it, but he was a fighter like his mother and he has continued to fight all his life. Today, that young man, my son Jesse also turns 18 and as a mother it is such a bitter sweet feeling. I know the world says he is an adult, but to me he is only 18 and has so much more growing to do. Please do not mistake that for me saying I am anything other than extraordinarily proud of the person he has become and will continue to turn into.

I feel having taught, shaped, and molded this young man, having done the same for his brother for eleven years, having watching Jesse's father walk away from him, having been married to James' father who has made some poor choices, having been engaged once after that to a selfish, angry, infantile man, and now being married to what I believe is the pentacle of what all men should be, has all contributed to me developing my own list of characteristics of what mothers should teach their little boys to help them become tremendous husbands and fathers. Now as with everything I write, I don't think my way is the only way or the right way, I just use my experience and hope it helps others. However, I will say if you have ever met my sons and/or interacted with any of the other men mentioned above, I think you would agree I have learned at least a few things.

1. Teach them to love God.
2. Teach them to love themselves.
3. Teach them to have feelings, to know what those feelings are, and that saying them out loud is okay.
4. Teach them to not only live with integrity, but to know what integrity is.
5. Teach them to be honest and that a person is truly only a good as their word.
6. Teach them that a promise should mean something and when they give one, they need to keep it.
7. Teach them responsibility.
8. Teach them that men can do the dishes, the laundry, vacuum, and clean bathrooms too.
9. Teach them having sex is easy, but the emotional commitment is what takes maturity and that they don't possess it in their teenage years.
10. Teach them how serious raising kids actually is and how if they make a baby, they need to plan to be there for that baby.
11. Teach them to not place so much value in surface beauty or material things.
12. Teach them to be silly.
13. Teach them the art of chivalry. It is something the world has lost and needs more of.
14. Teach them that when a girl is crying, it's not funny and to make one cry in anger is never okay.
15. Teach them to help others.
16. Teach them it is wrong to take advantage of people.
17. Teach them being a bully is not cool and it's not funny.
18. Teach them alcohol is not their friend.
19. Teach them to never, ever, ever, ever hit a woman.
20. Teach them hugging is not for sissies.
21. Teach them tea party's and dress up with their daughters is okay for grown men too.
22. Teach them the man they are is the man their son will be.
23. Teach them to say "I Love You", out loud, and often.
24. Teach them that real men do cry.
25. Teach them it doesn't make you a wimp to leave the guys when a girl calls and any girl that truly loves him will do the same.
26. Teach them to love their mommas, but to know when to let go.
27. Teach them to never settle for less in love, in their career, or in life.
28. Teach them to have dreams other than when they are sleeping.
29. Teach them good, strong, old fashioned family values.
30. Teach them to dance with their wives...and their daughters.
31. Teach them words hurt.
32. Teach them failure and mistakes happen. It's part of growing up. The value is in what you take away from the mistakes and failures. However, the first time is a mistake, the second time is a choice.
33. Teach them winning isn't everything.
34. Teach them to be a good person.
35. Teach them once something is said, it's said, and "sorry" doesn't always fix it. The lesson is to be careful what you say.
36. Teach them that giving their heart to a girl is not a bad thing, but be sure the girl is going to protect it as he should hers because a persons heart is not a toy.
37. Teach them their heart will get broken, but it will also heal.
38.Teach them that hate and anger are powerful poisons and forgiveness is the only cure, but they also need to know forgiveness isn't about the other person, its for ourselves. However, sometimes we can say or do things that cannot be fixed and for that we must...
39.  Teach them accountability.
40. Above all, teach them you only get one life and it's up to you how you live it. Your choices are your responsibility, no one else's and you have to own them, good, bad, or indifferent.

Please don't think my sons have mastered all these things, but I would like to think some day they will. I can tell you it is my goal and I can tell you I have a husband who I believe possesses them all so that is definitely an advantage. I guess more than anything I just want my oldest son Jesse, who as I said turns 18 today, to know how unbelievably proud I am to be his mother and to have him for a son. I made a lot of jokes while he was growing up that I wanted to get him out of high school without a baby or an addiction. Well in six months he will not only be graduating, but he will be doing so as top 10 in his class, in the National Honor Society, with a 3.6 GPA, as having been a mentor, as having been a fully dedicated athlete since the 7th grade, and as having been one remarkable son for 18 years. He has more than surpassed all the stereotypes there are in regards to the sons of teenage mothers, the stereotypes about sons who don't have consistent fathers around, and the stereotypes about young men being raised by single mothers. He has continued to bypass stereotypes all his life and I have no doubt he will continue to do so. I also have no doubt his brother will also continue to do so. This is because, I REFUSE, regardless of what science says, to believe that genes help determine the person's personality. I believe it is their environment. The values, the ethics, the morals, and the overall characteristics you put into a person that is going to make them.

Our children are what we teach them to be and what I listed above is what I am and what I hope to teach my sons to be. I hope you have the greatest of birthdays Jesse for this is where your road truly begins and Brad and I are so glad we get to travel it with you! We love you to the moon and back!

A Decision No Teenager Should Have To Make...

Today I am going to tell you a story about a tiny little treasure that was born on October 24th weighing in a 1 pound and 14 ounces. For the purposes of the family's privacy, we are going to call her Baby A. Just as most preemies do, Baby A was born with an enormous fight on her hands and in the beginning, it seemed as though she might be able to overcome her tiny size. She was gaining weight and her heart was stabilizing, but after about a week and half, the doctors feared the outlook for this small little one was not looking so well because they discovered she had Trisomy 13.

Trisomy 13 is the result of having three copies of chromosome 13 in each cell in the body instead of the usual two. The extra genetic material disrupts the normal course of development, causing characteristic features like severe intellectual disabilities and physical abnormalities in many parts of the body such as heart defects, brain or spinal cord abnormalities, very small or poorly developed eyes, extra fingers and/or toes, a cleft lip with or without a cleft palate, and weak muscle tone. Due to the presence of several life-threatening medical problems, many infants with Trisomy 13 typically die within their first days or weeks of life. Only 5 to 10% of children with this condition live past their first year. Most cases are not inherited and result from random events during the formation of eggs and sperm in healthy parents. However, an error in cell division called non disjunction results in a reproductive cell with an abnormal number of chromosomes. For example, an egg or sperm cell may gain an extra copy of chromosome 13. If one of these atypical reproductive cells contributes to the genetic makeup of a child, the child will have an extra chromosome 13 in each cell of the body. This is called Translocation Trisomy 13 and it can be inherited.

The doctor's stated Baby A had underdeveloped eyes, she had a cleft pallet, little to no muscle tone, and overall they didn't feel the prognoses was good. They did give it time to see if Baby A would improve as well as give the family time to decide what they felt would be best. However, in the end the doctors made the decision to take her off the ventilator. Everyone thinks that silence is just silence, until you have been in the room at the same time that someone takes their last breath and their heart beats for the last time. It's a silence like no other and it is a silence I have experienced with my own child. I was 22 years old when I had to make the decision to let my daughter go because it was truly what I felt was be the best thing for her. The mother of Baby A was only 19 years old and on November 18th she had to bury her first born.

I have two reasons for sharing this story. The first is for everyone to ask themselves, what is the hardest decision a 19 year old (or any teenager for that matter) should have to make? Where to go out with their friends? What to wear to a party? Which college to go to? What do they want to do over summer break? Should a teenager really be making the decision of whether or not to allow someone to live? The answer in my book is no!  Another issue is that a lot of grown women and the majority of teenage girls don't understand not all babies are born healthy! Things do not always go well. The cold, hard facts are, some are born with illnesses, some are born with defects, and some just don't make it. Then you are faced with the stress of not only raising a child, but raising a child with special needs, not only the cost of raising a child, but the cost of raising a child with special needs, and in some cases, how to pay for a funeral. Tell me, does anyone right now really have $10,000 to $12,000 just laying around? I don't! And that is a general figure of what it costs to cover a child's funeral. Not all stories have a happy endings. I will be the first one to admit that when the doctors kept trying to explain the issues with my daughter, I kept saying in my head, "everything is okay, she is going to be fine, the bad stuff only happens on TV". Well that was until they came in and flat out said, "you have a decision to make!" It doesn't just happen on TV, it doesn't just happen to the other guy!

Discussing the things that can go wrong, brings me to my second reason for this story. The growth of a child is pure chance, pure genetics, and I believe, pure faith. There is really nothing we can do to control any aspect of it because nature is going to do what nature does and you are left praying everything goes the way it should. However, I fail to understand in any way, how people can know there is always a chance something might go wrong all by itself, but yet some mothers make a choice that in addition to that worry, I am going to add additional worry by deliberately doing things I know could cause harm to my baby like drinking or doing drugs? Someone please explain this to me? Everyone was a child at one time and had to go through all the heartaches of growing up...school, bullies, puberty, parents, relationships, dating, peer pressure, and the list goes on and on. Why would you intentionally do something that could possibly create a larger issue for a child and make the growing up process that much more difficult? Personally I feel like saying "who do you think you are to play with another person's life path?" Most parents will say they love their child more than anything and would literally die for them, but I'm sorry, I have to ask myself "how can that be true when you are intentionally doing things that could severely harm your baby?" I don't think you would if you had ever actually seen what a baby born addicted to alcohol looks like, what a baby born addicted to drugs looks like, and/or what kind of physical, mental, emotional, and/or behavioral handicaps those things can cause. I have seen them! It is saddening, angering, and heart breaking all at the same time to see how these kids struggle for no other reason than the selfishness of someone else. Now there are doctors who say drinking wine in small amounts is okay. I don't agree, but even if that is true, they said nothing about taking shots of tequila? I guess I just feel that if you had the time to make a baby, then you could at least give that child a fair shot and abstain from nonsense for 40 weeks because the fact of the matter is that baby didn't ask to come into this world.

I have said many times that what I write is simply my opinion, people can take or leave it, but just as my page states, I feel there are many times I am just saying out loud, what most people are already thinking. However, when it comes to children, yes I do get very defensive because I have spent a huge portion of my life devoted to them and many times have worked with kids who had developmental, physical, emotional, and/or behavioral issues for no other reason than the activities the mother chose to partake in while she was pregnant. I flat out don't understand it and I am not going to pretend I do. If the addiction is that strong, then don't get pregnant because as I stated before, sometimes the issues are so great the baby does not even survive.  I did everything I was supposed to and still had 4 out of 4 born very sick and one didn't make it. I wanted a house full of kids, but it was clear my body was not going to allow me to make a healthy baby. I couldn't watch another one struggle so hard so I decided to stop having them because I didn't think it was fair to continue forcing whatever was wrong in my body on my children.  If you were to think right now what is the worst or hardest decision you ever had to make in your life, I guarantee you it would not compare making the decision on whether or not to let your child live or die and if you haven't had to, thank God and pray your luck continues. You would be hard pressed to find even one person in the world that can say they have never heard the words "having a child is an enormous responsibility", but maybe after reading this, some people might truly understand what those words mean.

Secrets: I tell you mine...if you tell me yours!

So today's blog is more about some social polling questions. Have you ever noticed that people who proclaim the loudest they are honest and/or real with people are actually the people with the most to hide? It is entirely possible it's just me and the people I have encountered through my life, but it sure feels that way. Sort of like the ones who spend the most time saying they are not fake are actually the fakest people you have ever met!

Lord knows if I had a nickel for every time I have been called "white trash", "trailer trash", "single white female", "gold digger", or any other colorful euphemism during my life, I wouldn't have to work, however we all know calling someone a baseless derogatory name doesn't make it true, it just makes the name caller an ass. Regardless of what people may or may not think of me, there has never been one single part of my life I have hid from, lied about or altered for the purposes of glorification. I am who I am and I do not need to do things in my life, real or made up, for the purpose of soliciting compliments and praise from others. My ego is fine. The same cannot be said of many of the people I know who have said many negative things about me and I do have to say, I truly find that fascinating. You would think for people who can so easily judge and make accusations against others, their life must be as clean and clear as Christ himself. Almost like they live in glass houses! Then again, it is also said, people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones! In some cases the acts these people have committed are so cruel, so vial, and sometimes, so illegal, the only thing keeping them from being a felon I believe is their zip code i.e. where they grew up. Society would like to believe that your social status has nothing to do these days with what you can get away with in your adolescents and even adulthood, but we all know that just isn't the case.

Another interesting question: Have you ever wondered what parents everywhere would actually do, think, and/or say if they ever found out the things their kids have actually done or the things their adult children did when they were younger? I know my sisters, my brother, and myself have had many discussions and many laughs over the years about the things we did when we younger, with our dad sitting there, none of which were illegal, at least I think...lol. I think the worst consisted of smoking in the house or drinking before the age of 21, but I do think it would make for an interesting social experiment! I mean just think, as a parent haven't you ever been curious to know what kinds of things your kids do and/or did once they had the ability to have a little more freedom? What secrets they have kept locked up all these years? What kinds of activities they thought mom and dad would never find out about? Tell the truth and shame the devil! To take it even a step further, what if spouses confessed all the things during the raising of the children they had kept from one other? It seems logical when raising kids, there as times that mom will not tell dad something or dad will not tell mom something. Here's the kicker, some are harmless, some not so much! Some of those "they don't really need to know about this moments" could have been severely detrimental to the growing and learning process of a developing mind, not to mention what it can do to the trust and honesty in a marriage. To me, it's one of the more advocating statements as to why parents should communicate everything, especially when it comes to their children, but then again, that is my belief and not something I expect everyone to agree with.

The point is I don't believe honesty, trust, integrity, morals, and ethics were ever intended to be guidelines within relationships that could be used behind a curtain of ambiguity. Honesty means just that, trust means just that, integrity means just that, morals mean just that, and ethics mean just that. If you are going to say you are one of these types of people, then be one of these types of people. Growing up and being human is not a "success only journey". We make mistakes, we screw up, doesn't mean it is intentional or that we are bad people, but we still make choices and when you make those choices you have to own them. You don't get to sit there and cast condemnation on others just because your think your skeletons are locked behind a better, fancier door. People can say what they want about me and my poor, white trash self, but I have nothing to hide because my skeletons and secrets are always welcome to party on the holidays. Can you say the same about yours?

The Parts Of Parenting That Shouldn't Have To Be Said Out Loud!

Anyone who has children is more than aware that those children did not come with an instruction book. Therefore, parenting consist of getting information from books, friends, family, and some of it is even guess work. Even with all of that, I have always thought there were just some unwritten rules that went with being human and being a part of society that people knew about parenting. Rules that didn't have to be said out loud to be known. Common sense so to speak! However, I think we can all agree that for some reason common sense is something people seem to possess in less and less quantity. The truly odd part is I would expect "the lack of" to be found in younger parents just based on sheer inexperience, but when it is seen so often in older parents, it just further cements the trouble we are in as a nation. For we all know you live what you learn and you teach what you are taught.

Now let's be clear, I am not referring to some of the many, many, many struggles parents face just trying to get their kids to graduate high school without having a child and/or an addiction. Let's face it, in today's society, if you accomplish that, it's a great success in your parenting abilities. Working and interacting with parents and kids everyday, I have noticed a couple of continuous themes among some parents that I quite frankly don't understand. One being, parents who have more than one child, for whatever reason, constantly comparing their children or pitting them against one another? The great and wonderful thing about this world is that we are all born different. We have different gifts, different personalities, different ideals, etc. For some reason, I am not even sure God himself would understand, some parents feel the need to say things like "well Johnny can do that, why can't you", "Sue wouldn't complain about that so why are you", "Amy wouldn't be offended by that, so why are you?", "Suzie would have gotten over that already, so why can't you?", "Why you can't you make grades like Jennifer?", "Why can't you get a job like your brother", "Have you seen the house your sister lives in?"...What is wrong with you people? Does someone really have to tell you it doesn't matter if a child is 5 or 35, there is not many more things that are going to be more detrimental to their self worth and self esteem than for a parent to compare siblings for some arbitrary reasons? Does someone really have to say out loud that every child deserves to feel celebrated and special for what they have to offer to their family and to this world? Even if the only talent your child has is blowing snot bubbles, then by golly, your job as their parent is to make them feel like the best snot bubble blower ever put on this planet.

Another thing I don't understand is why as adults we want to downplay children's feelings or pretend like they are not entitled to them at all. Even worse than that, we somehow think we have the divine right to decide when and what feelings they should get over? Yet as adults we sure have no trouble vocalizing when our feelings are hurt, when we are upset, when we are mad, when we are aggravated, frustrated, sad, etc. Should it have to be said out loud that EVERYONE is just as entitled to their feelings and NO ONE has the right to minimize those? Should it have to be said out loud that what affects one of your children may affect another one your children COMPLETELY different and guess what, THAT IS OKAY! Should it have to be said out loud that feelings are not like voting or drinking, you don't have to be a certain age to participate!

I also don't understand is discussing one of your children, with another child(ren) in a negative way such as making rude comments about them, saying derogatory things about them or if they are older, their job, their house, their salary, their children, degrading them, or in general, gossiping about them. It is the parent's job to remain impartial, not take sides, and to certainly not force your children into the position of having to hear their parent is saying ugly things about their sibling? All you are doing is telling your child "it's okay for me to not like them or say ugly things about them, because mom and dad do it too".  Now many people will try to justify doing this when situations such as fights between the siblings happen. Young siblings arguments are as natural as air.  Our job as parents is to intervene with neutral, UNBIASED opinions, and ideas. However, there are times when there is a clear right and a clear wrong, in those cases, in my opinion, a parent should not speak up regardless of what the fight is about. If our job is to teach, guide, and role model, then it should go without saying you always address the obvious right and the obvious wrong and that can be done with clearly picking sides. I also know this will come as a shock, but the only thing that should change when your children become older is that you get LESS involved. As adults, siblings have to be able to address and rectify their battles without running to mommy and daddy. If things get out of hand, yes you can provide guidance and some advice, but your only real job is to let ALL the siblings involved know on a consistent basis you love them equally, you are not taking sides, and you support all their feelings. Unless again there is a situation of clearly right and clearly wrong. Right and wrong are universal and lucky for parents, there is not a lot of room for arguing unless you allow your child to so by making a lot of baseless excuses.

All of these things remind me so much of the nonsense, immature, juvenile behavior we all loathed in high school. Forcing someone to be what you wanted them to be and if they didn't, well they didn't get your attention...Comparing one friend to another friend...Making people feel less than for acting, speaking, achieving, and/or feeling in a way that you deemed not to your standards...Speaking badly and/or gossiping about someone behind their back to someone else all the while being loving and friendly to their face or the more apropos term "being two faced"...disregarding and minimizing any one's feelings other than your own because Lord knows most high school students suffer from the delusion there is a center to the universe and well of course they are it. The truly sad part is, entirely TOO MANY adults never grow out of that delusion. Does it really have to be said out loud that parents are not supposed to act like high school kids? That parents are not supposed to have the maturity level of a 7th grader? That parents are supposed to be role models?

I don't personally watch what I feel is a monument to ineptitude of parenting "Keeping Up With The Kardashians", but I did hear about the segment where Kris admitted in front of her other daughters that Kim was her favorite. I could only imagine how that made the others feel, especially the younger two even though I am sure they played it off as though they suspected it all along. Children are not accessories to our lives and therefore we are not supposed to have favorites! However, even if you don't say it out loud and to their faces like that syphilitic toad did, we all know actions speak louder than words. So if this is something you practice and you think your kids can't pick up on it, well your couldn't be more wrong. I don't think there are too many things sadder than to watch a child constantly fight to get extra attention from a parent or work to meet some arbitrary standard. All it does is force your kids to rival against one another and can even cause them to resent each other when they are older. If that happens, you have to be accountable for that.  

I don't want anyone to misconstrue what I am saying because there are moments we all face as parents when one child may feel that a parent loves another child more than them. As children get older, they get involved in things, they have more activities. You naturally get more involved with one more than another. I think it naturally makes the younger ones feel they are getting less time and less attention. Sometimes as parents we do get caught up in it, even I have. Those are the times we do have to make that extra effort to make those younger ones feel just as special and just as loved. That is completely different that actively parenting in a way that alienates one or more children while glorifying another, making one child feel more special than another, making one child feel as though they can do no wrong while another feels they can do nothing right, holding one or more children accountable while always making excuses for another one, and discussing your children with their siblings in a derogatory and/or negative fashion. By doing these things, you are giving yourself a perfect storm recipe for disaster and as these children grow up, the resentment and anger will possibly grow and when it reaches its highest point, you could possibly have total destruction of a family unit that has been decades in the making and it started with you and your nonsense!

I have a different relationship with each one of my kids because they are different people, but I love them all the SAME! Again, that is not something that should have to be OUT LOUD!

Facebook Frivolity: Porn Has No Place

It has not been uncommon throughout my parenting years for me to referred to as "uptight", "old fashioned", and even a "prude". Those same words have even been used on many occasions to describe my marriage. Bradley and I have never been a couple that believes "it's okay to look as long as you don't touch". We don't feel like it's okay to make remarks about the opposite sex such as "if I wasn't married, you better believe I would go after that". We don't watch movies and/or go to shows that are focused "arm candy highlights". We try to live by the philosophy of not saying or doing anything that we would not say or do with the other person standing right there and when you think about it, if we all applied that principle to everything we say and do, I think the changes in how we treat each other would be remarkable, but that is a discussion for another day. That is us and what we choose to do and we more than realize not everyone lives within their relationship the same way. We don't judge others for what they do, but for some reason, we do not deserve the same respect. Regardless that doesn't sway us from having the relationship we want. One of the biggest aggravations I feel is when that same logic also comes into play in regards to how I parent because I have heard the same words used.  I am more than aware that young boys and adolescents have a natural curiosity about certain things, specifically girls, (and the same is true of girls being curious about boys) but what I don't think I need to accept is the way in which they have to go about learning and discovering that world.

Parents are more than aware there are millions of avenues in this world in which young people can learn about the opposite sex such as the internet, magazines, movies, peers, etc. Frankly I think one of the biggest mistakes we are making is that too many assume their children will learn it somewhere so why bother filling in those gaps. What children are taught in regards to the opposite sex and sexuality will lay the foundation for the views they develop, the ideals they develop, how they interact with the opposite sex, how they treat them, how they act in relationships, etc. Sex Ed isn't just about teaching the "birds and bees". So you're right, they will learn it somewhere, but what they are going to learn is an unrealistic, inappropriate, idealistic, fairytale, and in the cases of young men, sometimes misogynistic view, of the opposite sex. I mean do you realize that about 13 million teens between the ages of 13 and 19 get an STD each year! It 2008 it was reported (according to the best possible calculations) that by the age of 15, only 13% of never married teenagers had never had sex at least once. Don't even get me started on teen pregnancy and sexting.

So people might be wondering why I would even be talking about this and here is the reason. My children all have a Facebook, but I am also one of those parents who has all of their login information, I check their Facebook's regularly, and they know I check them. I do realize not every parent does that and that is their choice. Personally I feel are many opportunities out there in which kids can be taken advantage of, there are predators online, and there are flat out times when kids are not making good choices. A perfect example of how things can go wrong is several years ago we had an incident with Jesse in which a mother showed up on my doorstep and wanted Jesse to delete the half nude photos that her 13 year old daughter had sent of herself to Jesse's phone. Jesse stated he had no idea what this girl was talking about so after much investigation and going through Jesse's phone we discovered that someone, another student at Jesse's school who was also on the football team with him, had stolen Jesse's photo off his Facebook, created a separate account, and was sending messages to girls asking for these photos, then telling them to text them to the phone number he provided, not Jesse's . Obviously I was ecstatic that Jesse had nothing to do with, I explained to Jesse this is a prime example of why it is important to keep your page private, to know who your are friends with, not accept friend request from just anyone, and make sure no one can see your pictures. However, one of the primary reasons for even writing this is all of the "likes" by young people I have noticed on Facebook lately. Last time I checked Facebook is a social networking site. It allows people to keep up with friends and family, have access to pages where you can get coupons and deals, kids can keep up with their favorite bands or sports stars, and everyone can play games to pass the time. When did Facebook become a porn peddling site??? I see all of these young kids liking pages that in my opinion are porn or at the very least are HIGHLY inappropriate, especially for the age of some of the people viewing it. Even worse, all they need do to view the content is hit a like button. It also makes me wonder why Facebook allows such sites to be added. I mean, seriously? There is an endless number of sites such as those on the internet to poison and plaque peoples minds, can we not have one clean place for children and young adults to be?

I also quite frankly don't understand why there are so many young girls who constantly post half naked pictures of themselves. I know some of the girls who do it are technically adults, but some of these girls are 13, 14, 15 years old! In their case, I don't think that it's okay in anyway and more so, do they not have a parent that cares they are doing it? In regards to the ones who are technically adults, don't get me wrong, I am not a feminist by any means. I am all for women being strong, independent, and believing they can do the same things as a man, including having full rights to dress how they want. (Side note: I also believe that every once in a while a woman has to stroke the ego of her significant other. If you have a relationship where a man is trying to keep a woman suppressed into believing she is good for nothing more than cooking, cleaning, and making babies, it's doomed for failure. The same is true of a relationship in which you have two people constantly competing for who is going to be top dog. Partners should be and should have equal parts in a relationship, but it's just a fact that sometimes men need to feel like providers, they need feel like they are providing their family with safety and support, they need to feel like men) I could be completely wrong, but it has been my experience that these women who tend to wear the most scandalous clothes, post the most lewd pictures, and express themselves in the most over sexualized ways, will be the first ones who are offended when men only look at them as objects as opposed to acknowledging they might have an intelligent thought in their head. Really?!?!? I don't think you can have your cake and eat it too. The fact is the world is built on perceptions and if you want to be taken seriously, if you want to be treated like a respectful individual, and if you want people to believe you are intelligent, then you have to give them that impression.That doesn't mean turtle-necks, long sleeves, and slacks either, it just means having enough respect for yourself to not show the world every inch of yourself through a computer screen. That could really apply to guys and girls! One additional thought, we all know once something is on the internet, it's out there forever. A lot of young people don't put much thought into their future or what their profession will be in, but when you are older and mature some, obviously you do. There are some professions in which certain pictures and certain actions can come back to haunt you, even cost you big. Just look at numerous Miss America contestants, beauty contestants, American Idol contestants, and the list goes on.  There really is nothing wrong with being young and being smart at the same time!

To some this entry may seem like a lot of randomness and to some it may make perfect sense. I also know there are many people who won't agree with me because I hear it all the time. People say to me "the world of full of smut, there is nothing we can do about it, things have changed, might as well accept it". I do know we don't live in "Leave It To Beaver" times anymore, I am not that naïve, but just because something is so doesn't mean we have to accept it and it doesn't mean we can't work to change it. I also do have control over my house and the environment my children are exposed to. I choose to not allow that world into my home because I feel it is inappropriate, unrealistic, and plain degrading to women and men. Not saying that I am the perfect parent or a better parent, I just want my children to have a healthy sense of self, a healthy sense of relationships, and a healthy ideal about sex. My hope is that if create this world for them in my home, then when they grow up, they will want to create it in their home, then their children will want to create it in their home. That folks is how we break cycles, that folks is how we create change!