Anger Management: A serious problem for adults, teens, and children.

Emotion is a natural part of life. They are our bodies way of letting us know that we are still alive, that we are capable of feeling, and they let us know when our internal self has gone a-rye. Throughout life we all experiences issues that create a gambit of emotions, but for some reason the one we tend to struggle with the most is anger and that can be said both with adults and adolescents. Anger is something that makes us feel helpless and out of control in turn forcing us to struggle with containing it, expressing it, and coping with it. Anger is something that occurs when we perceive that our person is being attacked, whether it is physically or verbally.  The fact is, perception is reality and when people have the perception they are being  attacked or mistreated in a situation can lead to anger building. As human beings, when we feel we have been wronged, those feelings can sometimes cloud our judgment, cause us to say things we might not normally, and/or completely override our total sense of logic.

Anger not only will create psychological changes, but we can also feel changes in our physical person and again, the changes are the same for an adult or adolescent. Your heart rate increases, your blood pressure goes up, and adrenaline races. Some people start to feel sick to their stomach, their head starts to hurt, and some start to feel tension all over their body. A person’s Inability to control their anger can lead to things like road rage, divorce, child abuse, violence in the workplace, and of course domestic violence and anger that is left uncontrolled for years can create chronic/long term health problems such as headaches, issues sleeping, high blood pressure. Some do make the choice to contain or hide their anger and not just once, but for long periods of time. This is just as unhealthy and unproductive. Emotions were meant to be expressed and that includes anger.

Anger management may not be something that people find to be beneficial or productive, but what’s the alternative? What benefits or rewards do we receive when we allow ourselves to become volatile, confrontational, irrational messes? More often than not, we find more consequences.  So how can you tell that you, your teenager, or someone you know might be struggling with their anger? Please take the list of questions below and apply them to yourself, your teen, and/or someone else in your life that you may have in mind: 

• Do you get into many physical fights?
• Do you engage in heated arguing, often with no resolution?
• Are you incapable of getting  over a past situation or occurrence?
• Are you always in a bad mood more often than not?
• Has your anger ever made you want to seek revenge on a person?
• Have you ever wanted to harm yourself or someone else?

If you answered yes more than no, chances are pretty high that some type of anger management is needed. So the next logical step is to begin learning and applying some basic anger management techniques. Below is a list of tips that can be utilized and can also be applied to adults and teenagers:

• If you are a person who needs to de-escalate through an aggressive activity you need to have access to your own personal space that will allow for things such as screaming, working out, hitting a punching bag, etc. Your personal space can simply be any area that is conducive to however you best vent your aggression without further agitating the situation.
• When you find yourself angry beyond the point of being reasonable, we tend to do things that are not beneficial to you, the person you are angry with, or the problem itself. When this happens, remove yourself from the situation all together. Go for a walk, read, take some quiet time, then you can come back with a clear, calm head.
• Examine how you spend most of your day. If you are someone who spends most your time indoors, maybe you need some time outside each day. If you experience a lot of noise during the day, then allow yourself some quiet, relaxing personal time.
• Never underestimate the power of deep breathing and/or counting to ten.
• Learn to accept that you cannot change everything regardless of what emotion you throw at it. Some things, some people, some situations just are what they are. Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it so while we cannot change others we can change our reaction to them.
• We have to take better care of ourselves and spend more time working towards overall balance in life. There has to be time each day allotted for only us and our self-preservation. Also try to leave your work/school problems at work/school. Don’t make others pay for a situation someone else has created.
• The most valuable tool any person has is self-control. No one can control us but us and we cannot hold others accountability for the actions we choose or the words we say. Self-control can also keep you from saying or doing something extremely harmful that an apology might not fix later on.

While it is true, anger management tips can help us avoid reaching total eruption, the ultimate goal is to avoid complete escalation all together.  Everyone has certain triggers that will cause them to become agitated (things that are said or actions that are taken that will automatically enrage them). The key is to identify your triggers so you can avoid them or change your environment so they can be avoided. You can also communicate with those around you, like a spouse,  and educate them about your triggers so they can also help to avoid “trigger” moments. However, if you are unable to completely avoid them, then as stated previously, anger management skills can help you control yourself  and the situation when and/if a trigger does arise.  It must also be noted that if you are someone who feels you stay angry all the time and your inability to manage your anger is affecting your relationships, your job, and/or your health, then clearly larger steps need to be taken to bring peace to your life as well as those around you. These steps can include finding a counselor/therapist to help you work through what could be causing your anger and/or finding some type of a support group.

Anger management not only needs to be a priority in our teens, but also in raising our younger children. Behavioral issues resulting from lack of anger control that occur during childhood, should be clear omens to parents and caregivers of problems to come in adolescence/adulthood. Such problems could include partner violence, severe/extremely harsh punishments for their own children (punishments that could border on or directly be abuse), difficulties at work/school in regards to their interactions with others, and difficulties maintaining friendships. The most effective strategy a parent has for controlling anger in their children is being a good role model. Parents need to be familiar with and utilize anger management  techniques themselves so they can teach their children to cope with daily stress/anger. We ultimately want to teach our children to respond instead of react. It also best to implement these skills is prior to adolescents.  The older a person gets, the more concrete their learning/thinking patterns become which obviously makes changing those patterns more difficult, but if the anger management foundation is already laid, it is something that will help through adulthood.

As parents we think nothing of teaching our children responsibility, kindness, and compassion so teaching them about feeling/expression their emotions should be a priority too. Children need to understand that feeling angry is perfectly okay, but it has to be expressed in a constructive/productive manner. When children are able to better manage their anger, it not only increases their overall self-control, but also helps to increase their self-respect which will help others gain respect for them in return. The really great part is that anger management for children is really the same as it is for teens and adults.

When dealing with the anger displayed by younger children, try using these anger management tips:

• The first thing is to try to help them calm down and refocus. Have them take a deep breath and count to ten. If you feel they are still angry, have them count further or count backwards from ten to one.
• Teach them alternatives to anger. For example, if someone at school is bothering them, teach them to avoid them or get help from an adult. Teach them that in life we deal with all sorts of people we will not get along with.
• If your child cannot put their anger into words, have them draw you a picture. Have them let you know what anger looks like for them. That way in the future when they are feeling angry, they can again draw it, you will recognize it, and can then address it.
• If your child needs to work off their anger, buy them a punching doll or bag. Let them go for a walk or ride a bike. There is one caution to parents though, NEVER SEND AN ANGRY CHILD OUT ALONE! If your child cannot correctly manage their anger, sending them out unsupervised to deal with the unpredictability of the world would not be in your best interest or theirs.
• When your child does manage their anger well, make sure you take notice and reward them.

It's also important to remember in your attempts at positive anger management role modeling, that your child knows even you are susceptible to anger and at times, even you have to exercise the same tools. Children need to see even their parents get angry at times. Don’t try to hide your anger from your children, it will actually do more harm than good.

Teaching Your Children About Good Touch V. Bad Touch

In our society today we are all aware of the enormous numbers of children who are molested and/or mistreated by adults. So as parents we all know how important it is to discuss the topic of “good touch/bad touch” with our younger children. We all know it’s imperative for them to understand what is inappropriate where their bodies are concerned. We all know they need to understand how to communicate to an adult when they feel uncomfortable. The issue we have is HOW do we approach this subject in a way that will not only make them comfortable, but us as well. An effective way in which parents can talk with their children is by “teachable moments”. This is a time at which a person, especially a child, is likely to be particularly disposed to learn something or particularly responsive to being taught or made aware of something.

Often you will find children are naturally curious about their own bodies and this will lead to them touching themselves. This presents a perfect opportunity for parents to begin discussing “good touch/bad touch”. Explain to your child that no one, including mommy, daddy, and other relatives, should be touching them in certain areas unless they are cleaning them or if the doctor needs to look at them. A simple tool you can use is your child’s toys. Using a male or female doll, explain to your child using the doll that no one should ever touch them where a bathing suit would cover them. Most importantly, encourage them to feel completely comfortable and safe coming to you anytime someone has touched them inappropriately or in a way that made them uncomfortable and this includes hurting them physically. There are mixed opinions on whether adults should use proper terminology when teaching children about their private parts or whether it’s okay to use other words the parent and child are comfortable with. My opinion is that you have to do what is best for you. What I will say is that if a parent chooses to use alternative words to make sure there is a CLEAR understanding of the areas those words represent and avoid using them to represent anything else in order to avoid confusion. Also avoid using any ridiculous or childish words because this may give the child the sense that you don't take it seriously and God forbid they are harmed, using insanely immature words could make it difficult for them to communicate when necessary. If you do make the choice to not use proper terminology because your feel your child is still too young, which can very well be the case, make sure when the child is older, you begin to introduce the proper terminology to your child.

We all know there are times when small children will touch one another. As I stated, children are naturally curious, but that curiosity is not and will not be towards their own body alone. This is because there are so many ways in which a child can be exposed to the differences in body types. It’s perfectly normal for them to wonder why they look different. Kids will often play games that include exploration and do not realize they are doing anything wrong. This is why it’s a great opportunity to open communication between you and your child. When situations such as these arise, simply explain to them that it’s not okay for others to touch one another in that way, in those areas, even if they are friends.

There are tons of news stories out there about adults molesting children, in broad daylight, in stores, parks, bathrooms etc. A sad fact of life is that our children often see and/or hear these same stories and in essence it presents another teachable moment. Due to these stories, parents often teach their children to find someone in a uniform if they get separated. This is a good idea, but I ask this question, what if there is no way for your child to identify a safe person? What if you are in a place where identifying a “safe” uniform is not really an option for your child? A good alternative to teach your child is if they ever get separated from you, to start yelling for help, very loudly, wherever they are. Sounds odd right? Well, we always tell our children if they get lost to go to an adult. Well, as I stated the monsters of today blend right in. You don’t know if the adult they ask for help could be a child molester and/or kidnapper. If a child simply starts yelling for help, not only does it draw too much attention for anyone to try and take them, but clearly you are much more likely to find the child yourself. Make sure, however, you are specific with your children. Yelling is not the same thing as yelling "help". Most people may not give too much though to a small child in a store simply yelling, but someone yelling "help" is odd and people will take notice. Another trick for your child should they get separated and/or approached by someone who is not in a uniform (the child needs to understand this could be a policeman's uniform, store employee uniform, etc) start yelling "fire". Again, a child simply yelling, especially in any place full of children, may not cause people to take notice, but anyone yelling fire, is something people will notice. For the adults, we need to remember that it is in our nature to want to help a lost child, however, if you approach one who is alone, you might find yourself in the midst of a child who is going to be drawing attention to you by screaming. To avoid giving others the impression that you are trying to harm the child, simply ask someone you might be with to keep an eye on the child while you go to find a policeman or store employee or if you are alone, you keep an eye on the child while asking someone else to go find someone in a uniform. The reason I say, you keep an eye on the child is because you know your intentions, but you do not know the intentions of someone who is a stranger to you.  

Another thing we are accustomed to doing in our society is forcing our children to say hello to strangers or even family members they don't know and/or forcing them to give hugs and kisses. Then we turn around and put the same expectation on our children to know the difference between what we are forcing them to do that makes them uncomfortable and another adult forcing them to do what makes them uncomfortable. Really?!?!? Children do not have the mental capabilities to process these two situations and consistency is key with children. If a child is not comfortable with an adult, REGARDLESS OF WHO THEY ARE, do not force that adult on your child or vice versa and if this makes the adult upset, well, I guess that is just something they will have to get over!

We simply live in a world where there are too many real life monsters and those monsters don’t have fangs or red eyes like in the movies. One of the worse things that happen to our nation was “stranger danger” because it taught children the only bad people are the ones who hid in the shadows, wear dark, long coats, and were always a stranger to them. It’s unfortunate that there are so many stories our there about children being molested and/or hurt physically.  Another unfortunate fact is that the majority of the time, it is a family member or someone close to the child committing these acts. Therefore our children need to feel they can come to us anytime, with anything, but they also need to feel they will be believed, no matter what! Never dismiss your child's feeling of discomfort or complaints of an adult. Some adults may play around or say things while never intending to make the child feel harmed or scared, but if it has happened, you need to address it. Make your child feel safe and that you are on their side. This may result in some adults feeling insulted or having their ego wounded. As much as we never want to be rude or hurtful to others we care about, our children come first and anyone we truly want in our child's life, will understand that anyway.

We simply cannot protect them from knowing all the ugliness of the world no matter how much we would like to. We also don’t want them to fear the world and those who live in it either, but we can do our best to make sure our children are prepared. Discussing “good touch/bad touch” with your child will never be a onetime event. We need to utilize all the teachable moments we can to ensure our child have enough information to protect themselves.

 

 

 

What Did Happen Monday Morning???

If you are a person who grew up in the 80's, like myself, there is a very good probability you have seen the movie "The Breakfast Club". Much to my delight it was on TV the other night. It has been exactly 20 years since the first time I was able to see this movie and for those of you who have basic math skills let me go ahead and clear it up for you. Yes the movie came out in 1985 and at the time I was 10 years old, but I did not see it until I was 17. I don't really think I would use any other word to describe the monetary aspect of my household growing up accept poor so we did not have cable, we did not have a VCR, and we did not go to the movies. I was 17 years old when we bought our first VCR and therefore, saw the movie on video.

If you are one of the ten people on the planet (like my husband...lol) who has not seen the movie, I will break it down for you. There are five high school students who all have detention on a Saturday for different reasons, they are being monitored by a worn out, jaded, "been there too long" teacher, and you are basically taken on a journey as their lives mesh together in ways they never imagined. Your characters are young Brian. He is a strong student, he works hard academically, and when it came to needing a "target" for personal enjoyment, Brian, like myself, usually found himself on most teenage radars. Claire was the girl who everyone wanted to be, but still secretly hated. She came from money and was selfish, egotistical, narcissistic, materialistic, and completely void of the ability to have awareness of anyone in this world who wasn't her. Andrew was the "top jock" whose father pushed him by telling him sports, winning, and complete manliness were the keys to success. His friends consisted of those who either lived with their lips on his butt or they are those souls he has deemed worthy to bask in his "jock glow".  Bender of course is the guy everyone avoids like the plague because they either don't understand him, are afraid of him, or they fear they will catch his "poverty". Then we have Allison who is just your standard "odd duck" as I like to call them. She doesn't really belong to any group because she doesn't go out of her way to fit in to any group, but at the same time she doesn't go out of her way to alienate or hurt people either. She is just a girl, trying to find her way the best she can with what she has, and the sad part is most people don't want to take the time to understand her to help her.

I think there is a huge difference between "watching" a movie and being actively involved in it. It's pretty well known that my school years were not all that pleasant so when seeing the movie the first time, I was experiencing the same issues and it was very easy to relate to the characters as I am sure hundreds of thousands of other people have in the nearly 30 years the movie has been out. Childhood bullying is a hot button topic for this generation (as it should be), but unfortunately it was not so in the 80's. My school years took place during a different time. A lot of things were viewed as "just a part of growing up". For more than one reason, I think I related to the character of Brian the most. I was a book worm that cared a great deal about my grades because I knew an education was the only thing that was ever going to give me choices. So I worked really hard at my grades and couldn't really handle not getting the best ones possible.   Plus, not being a very socially accepted kid, I did not go out a great deal and school work was something to do.

Having worked with children as long as I have, when I watch this movie I see a group of teenagers who issues are very parallel to so many of the kids I have and am currently working with. They feel they are living in a world in where they have no control, where they are not heard, and where they are not allowed to seek out and be who they feel they truly are. Since perception is reality, what a child sees and hears, creates their reality and becomes the voice of their inner soul. These kids, like a number of teenagers, feel surrounded by adults who thrive on the sayings "do I as I say, not as I do" and "You should respect me for no other reason than I am an adult", neither of which really have any value, carry any merit and are basically terrible teaching tools.  As parents, even though we may have the very best of intentions, are only trying to act in our child's best interest, are only trying to help steer them in the right direction, often we completely forget our children will one day be adults...adults with their thoughts, feelings, opinions, ideas, and identities and it is our job as their parents to give them a solid foundation in which they can build all those things. However, for some reason we unintentionally force our children into a position where they feel they are fighting against a world that doesn't understand or listen to them which in turn causes them to act out. Every behavior has a reason, the key is as adults to find the meaning behind the behavior and stop focusing so much on the act itself. There is just a fine line between parenting and allowing our children to solely navigate their own path and we are constantly trying to find that line and manage it.

Watching the movie this time, I had 20 years of work experience to apply and relate to the characters which in turn caused me to naturally see it in a whole different light. It got me to thinking about the roads we walk as we grow, the personalities we take on, and if you really examine adult interactions and behaviors, it's not hard to see that "bullying" is not just a childhood issue. Regardless of how old we get, the deep seeded emotions, insecurities, and needs we felt as teenagers are secretly still hidden in the dark recesses of our hearts. Some things we do outgrow (some of us)...like not wanting to be involved in drama, avoiding pettiness, and moving away from all around nonsense. However, most human beings never outgrow our need to be loved, to be accepted, to be remembered, to be respected, to be included. There is always a longing deep down inside to be included by others and not be the one left standing on the outside of the circle. Before we even realize it, we can be forced to regress back to that little, lonely child on the playground when someone has hurt our feelings or made us feel bad ourselves. We don't like to be ignored when we reach out to others. With each passing year, we develop so many expectations of the adult world we live in and sadly we find that many people are still functioning from the high school hallways. Pain is pain and while some of us hide it better and/or manage it more effectively than others, the scars it left behind are all deep, all real, and all forever. Even as someone who is a lot closer to 40 than 14, there are even now many situations in my life that force me to be instantly transported back to those school days that often ended in tears...days when I try to reach out a hand to help, only to have it ignored...when I make every effort to fit in, only to be laughed at and judged...or the those moments when I put my heart out front only to be stabbed in the back. We are supposed to strive not to treat others as they treat us, but to treat others as we HOPE to be treated, but that's not always easy to do.

I have not developed the wisdom to understand why we treat each other as we do and I am not sure I will ever have the answer to that. Why some are so disrespectful, why they go out of their way to make others feel like they don't count, why some need to act as though their needs and feelings are so much more valuable than others, why some behave so selfishly, so immorally, so unethically. Why some feel they are justified in abandoning those they are supposed to love. I don't believe we are required to be the best of friends with every person we have contact with or even every family member we share, but I do believe we are required to treat other people with decency and dignity. You don't have to help every soul in your life, but you damn sure don't have to go out of your way to create pain and heartache for them either.

Anyone who enjoys 80's trivia as much as do, might know the number one question asked of director, John Hughs, about "The Breakfast Club" is "What did happen Monday morning?". There was never answer provided because he wanted people to create in their own minds what they thought or felt should happen. EVERY DAY is our own "Monday morning". EVERY DAY is opportunity to start over, to make another effort at getting it right, to try and correct the wrongs of the day before, to create a positive impact on another soul. When you end each day, ask yourself  "what did I do today to make the world a little better?" and if your answer to that question is always "nothing"...well then I feel sorry for you...

"Today...We Win As Parents"

When you have kids (whether they are biological or not) there are so many sleepless nights all dedicated to your mind wandering and pondering over thoughts such as "will my child make good choices", "how will their choices affect other people", "are they going to have a positive impact on the world"? Parenting is about doing the best you can with what you have, never giving up, always trying to do better, and learning from your mistakes. However, even with the best intentions, the best efforts, and the best skills, at the end of the day, our children are still in control of themselves, their own choices, and their own path. The only thing we can do is hope all we have done has gotten through. This means some days will be wins and some days will be losses...

Anyone who is really involved in my life or my son Jesse's life is aware how much we, as a family, love high school football and even more so, how much Jesse loves playing it. Since the first time he picked up a football, he has been asking that we buy him a specific football helmet. Like most sports equipment, it wasn't cheap, but it was something he really wanted. So for his senior year, since it was his last year to play football, we bought it for him. He wore it at every game. At the end of his last football game he had all the varsity players sign it and he then kept this helmet in a special bag to avoid any of the signatures getting scratched off. Jesse coveted this helmet like you would not believe and knowing that makes the impact of this story (in my eyes and my heart) all the greater.

A couple weeks ago I saw that Jesse had the helmet out and I asked him what he was doing with it. He said there is a boy at his school named, Drustin, who is mentally and physically challenged, but he wears the football jersey every Friday with us, he was at all the games cheering us on, so I thought he I would get the players I missed to sign it and give it to him at the sports banquet. There is no way until Jesse has children of his own that he will know what his gesture meant to me as a parent, as a person, and as his mother. For him to give up something that meant so much to him, that he waited so long to get, and give it up to another person for no other reason than it could possibly create a great memory, well it is an indescribable feeling. And to know that I had taken part in the developing of this creature was even more indescribable.

River Road had their sports banquet this past Friday night and after the football awards, Jesse was called up to present the helmet to Drustin and the entire room gave him (Drustin) a standing ovation. As a parent, this moment, this day, this memory...was a win! Jesse's kind and selfless act let Brad and I know in our heart that as parents, we have taught him the goodness and generosity God wants shared in this world. We have raised a son who is noble in spirit and pure of heart. Will there be failures in his future, absolutely...will he stand up from those moments and persevere, count on it...but this day was a win! This day was win for him as a human being, it was a win for us as parents, but most importantly, it was a win for Drustin. He was not only allowed to have a great addition to his life story, but he was shown the world can be kind, the world can be tolerant, the world can be generous, and to someone with special needs, those three things are some of those most important!

I do not tell this story to try and say that somehow Brad and I are better parents than other people, that could not be farther from the truth. We, as a team, also have failures, but do we, as a team, also persevere, absolutely...because we do not believe there is any other choice. Parenting is a job that goes until...until your child gets it, until your child is solely independent, until your child is successful in all areas of life and doesn't need you anymore. Now ask yourself, "when does that day come?"  Well if you are a TRULY invested parent, that day NEVER comes! You are supposed to be a parent forever! I tell this story because also like most parents, I am proud of my children and enjoy sharing their greatness with others. I am beyond proud and privileged to have taken part in their life stories as well as who they are as human beings. I am very confident about the adult I am fixing to send into the world and the two who will follow, sooner than I like I am sure!

 

 

 

Is ALL Really Fair In Love And War?

I am by far not the wisest person nor do I in any way feel I have the answer for everything (though I am more than aware some would disagree with that), but I do feel I have suffered through many things in my 37 years that most people will never experience and/or understand. Of all the things I have seen, I find none of them harder to understand than that of the human soul and its innate need to inflict suffering on others. I will never understand how one can derive pleasure from watching someone they do or did love hurt by their own hand.

When any of us fall in love or begin a new endeavor we do so (or should) with the understanding that it may not work for whatever reason. That is not to say that we should live within the relationship with that fact alone, but it is unfortunately a reality in today's times. The question that comes to my mind is when this does happen, how is it that we are so quick to substitute love for hate. How is it that this person we once shared our dreams, thoughts, and feelings with, we now spread nothing but contempt and ill will for. We simply disregard this person who once made us SO happy, this person who once made us smile SO big, and at one time, even if you now deny it, thought this was be the person God intended for us to find all along. Then as quickly as we fell in love, we fall out, and before you know it we move on to the next "right one", again proclaiming to the world that this new person is the one we have longed for and love so deeply. I just wonder if we are such empty creatures that love has become nothing more than a superfluous word we use so frivolously and apply with the depth of a rain puddle. How can we be as shallow and hollow as to throw this word around with no regard for the scars and tears left behind when it is taken away? I am at a loss for how we can use something that is meant to be felt to the core of very being, a feeling like no other, and so effortlessly give it and take it back. There is something to be said for all the old cliche's like "never regret anything that once made you smile, for at one time it was exactly what you wanted". Is it so terrible to simply except that something didn't work for whatever reason and then leave it as that as opposed to driving in the painful realization like a knife? I have to say it leaves a person longing for the days of "true love" and troubled for what it will mean in the future.

However, I also feel it leaves one further disheartened when you know some of these people had children in the relationship. As much as we would love to assume that everyone who has child gains the maturity and wisdom to deal with the adult world and are therefore able to keep the children out of their trifling mess, but we all know what they say about assumptions! One would also think these situations could not get any more juvenile, oh ye of little faith! Many people go as far as broadcasting their conflicts, issues, and derogatory comments in public forums such as Facebook (keeping in mind these "parents" are often friends with their children who are also able to see what these ass monkeys say about one another). Once we make the choice to bring children into the world, we are obligated to grow up, end of story. You forfeit your right to act like a toddler on the playground the day you decided to become responsible for another person. You may not want to, you may not feel it's fair, but guess what, your child didn't ask to be here! We are bound to provide our children with a better example than we had. 

The relationship carnage is only intensified when a person "serial dates" and decides to drag their children through the meat market with them. If you want to date all of the Houston Rockets, that is your right, but it is not your right to make that entire team a part of a child's memory. All you are doing is contributing to an inconsistent, unpredictable, unstable environment which we SHOULD know is a disastrous combination for a child and will seriously inhibit their ability to develop positive social, emotional, and relationship building skills. And if you feel that I am not right, ask yourself, How would you feel if you saw your child do the exact the same thing? How would you feel to see your child dating everyone they came into contact with? Regardless of the action, regardless of the reason, how would it make you feel? Then take it one step further, ask yourself, How would you feel to hear them say they learned it from you?

Here is my one last piece of advice, when a relationship ends, for whatever reason, each person in it should do a "relationship autopsy". EVERYONE contributes to or contaminates a relationship, regardless of it's nature. However, when we are talking about dating relationships, if you really evaluate your part in the interactions, you might be able to find what you did to help, what you did to hurt, and then...(insert appropriate music)...learn from your mistakes and avoid it in the future! I know, it is a rarity these days, but how about we start a movement! A world full of people admitting their mistakes, righting their wrongs, and learning a lesson!

Laws To Live By...

I didn't write these, but I found them and thought they were interesting so naturally I wanted to share. Hope others find them interesting/useful as well:

Life Law #1:

You either get it or you don't.

Strategy:

Become one of those who get it.

In life, it’s easy to tell these people apart. Those who "get it" understand how things work and have a strategy to create the results they want. Those who don't are typically stumbling along, looking puzzled, and can be found complaining that they never seem to get a break.

You must do what it takes to accumulate enough knowledge to "get it” and then operate with the information and skills that are necessary to win. Overall, you must be prepared, tune in, find out how the game is played, then play by the rules.

In designing your strategy, which will mean getting the information you need about yourself, people you encounter, or situations, be careful from whom you accept input. Wrong thinking and misinformation can seal your fate before you even begin.

Life Law #2:

You create your own experience.

Strategy:

Acknowledge and accept accountability for your life. Understand your role in creating results.

You cannot dodge responsibility for how and why your life is the way it is. If you have toxic people in your life, you are accountable.  If you don’t like job, you are accountable. If you are not happy, you are accountable. You are creating the situations you are in as well as the emotions that flow from those situations.

Don't play the role of the victim or use past events to build excuses because it guarantees you no progress, no healing, and no victory. You will never fix a problem by blaming someone else. Whether the cards you've been dealt are good or bad, you're in charge of yourself now.

Every choice you make, including the thoughts you think, have consequences. When you choose the behavior or thought, you choose the consequences. If you choose to stay with a destructive partner, then you choose the consequences of pain and suffering. If you choose thoughts contaminated with anger and bitterness, then you will create an experience of alienation and hostility. When you start choosing the right behavior and thoughts (which will take a lot of discipline) you'll get the right consequences.

Life Law #3:

People do what works.

Strategy:

Identify the payoffs that drive your behavior and that of others.

Even with the most destructive behaviors, there is a payoff because if you did not perceive the behavior in question to generate some value to you, you would not do it. However, if you want to stop behaving in a certain way, you've have to stop "paying yourself off" for doing it.

You must find and control the payoffs, because you can't stop a behavior until you recognize what you are gaining from it. Payoffs can be as simple as money gained by going to work to psychological payoffs of acceptance, approval, praise, love, or companionship. It is possible that you are feeding off unhealthy, addictive, and imprisoning payoffs, such as self-punishment or distorted self-importance.

You must also be alert to the possibility that your behaviors are controlled by the fear of rejection and all in all, it’s easier not to change. Try something new or put yourself on the line. Also consider if your need for immediate gratification creates an appetite for a small payoff now rather than a large payoff later.

Life Law #4:

You cannot change what you do not acknowledge.

Strategy:

Get real with yourself about life and everybody in it. Be truthful about what isn't working in your life. Stop making excuses and start making results.

If you're unwilling or unable to identify and consciously acknowledge your negative behaviors, characteristics or life patterns, then you will not change them. (In fact, they will only grow worse and become more entrenched in your life.) You've got to face it to replace it.

Acknowledgment means slapping yourself in the face with the brutal reality, admitting that you are getting payoffs for what you are doing, and giving yourself a no-kidding, bottom-line truthful confrontation. You cannot afford the luxury of lies, denial, or defensiveness.

Where are you now? If you hope to have a winning life strategy, you have to be honest about where your life is right now. Your life is not too bad to fix and it's not too late to fix it, but you have to be honest about what needs fixing. If you lie to yourself about any dimension of your life, an otherwise sound strategy will be compromised.

Life Law #5:

Life rewards action.

Strategy:

Make careful decisions and then pull the trigger. Learn that the world couldn't care less about thoughts without actions.

Talk is cheap. It's what you DO that determines the script of your life. Translate your insights, understandings, and awareness into purposeful, meaningful, constructive actions, anything less has no value. Measure yourself and OTHERS upon results, NOT intentions or words.

Use any pain you have to propel you out of the situation you are in and to get you where you want to be. The same pain that burdens you now could be turned to your advantage. It may be the very motivation you need to change your life.

Decide that you are worth the risk of taking action and that your dreams are not to be sold out. Accept and know that putting yourself at risk may be scary, but it will be worth it. You must leave behind the comfortable and familiar if you are to move onward and upward.

Life Law #6:

There is no reality, only perception. 

Strategy:

Identify the filters through which you view the world. Acknowledge your history without being controlled by it.

You know and experience this world only through the perceptions that you create. You have the ability to choose how you perceive any event in your life and you exercise this power of choice in every circumstance, every day of your life. No matter what the situation, you choose your reaction, assigning meaning and value to an event.  Also, you can’t always control what happens in your life, but you can control how you react to it.

We all view the world through individual filters, which influence the interpretations we give events, how we respond, and how we are responded to. Be aware of the factors that influence the way you see the world, so you can compensate for them and react against them. If you continue to view the world through a filter created by past events, then you are allowing your past to control and dictate both your present and your future.

Filters are made up of fixed beliefs, negative ideas that have become entrenched in your thinking. They are dangerous because if you treat them as fact, you will not seek, receive or process new information, which undermines your plans for change. If you "shake up" your belief system by challenging these views and testing their validity, the freshness of your perspective can be startling.

Life Law #7:

Life is managed, NOT cured.

Strategy:

Learn to take charge of your life and hold on. This is a long ride and you are the driver every single day.

You are a life manager and your objective is to actively manage your life in a way that generates high-quality results. You are your own most important resource for making your life work. Success is a moving target that must be tracked and continually pursued.

Effective life management means you need to require more of yourself in your grooming, self-control, emotional management, interaction with others, work performance, dealing with fear, and in every other category you can think of. You must approach this task with the most intense commitment, direction, and urgency you can muster.

The key to managing your life is to have a strategy. If you have a clear-cut plan as well as the courage, commitment, and energy to execute that strategy, you can flourish. If you don't have a plan, you'll be a stepping stone for those who do. You can also help yourself as a life manager if you manage your expectations. If you don't require much of yourself, your life will be of poor quality. If you have unrealistic standards, then you are adding to your difficulties.

Life Law #8:

We teach people how to treat us.

Strategy:

 Own, rather than complain about, how people treat you. Learn to renegotiate your relationships to have what you want.

You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.

If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling, and then get their way, you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior.

Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.

Life Law #9:

There is power in forgiveness.

Strategy:

Open your eyes to what anger and resentment are doing to you. Take your power back from those who have hurt you.

Hate, anger, and resentment are destructive and they eat away at the heart and soul of the person who carries them. They are absolutely incompatible with your own peace, joy and relaxation. Ugly emotions change who you are and contaminate every relationship you have. They can also take a physical toll on your body, including sleep disturbance, headaches, back spasms, and even heart attacks.

Forgiveness sets you free from the bonds of hatred, anger, and resentment. The only way to rise above the negatives of a relationship in which you were hurt is to take the moral high ground and forgive the person who hurt you. Believe it or not, forgiveness is not about another person who has transgressed against you…it is about you. Forgiveness is about doing whatever it takes to preserve the power to create your own emotional state. It is a gift to yourself and it frees you. You don't have to have the other person's cooperation and they do not have to be sorry or even admit the error of their ways. Do it for yourself.

Life Law #10:

You have to name it before you can claim it.

Strategy:

Get clear about what you want and take your turn.

Not knowing what you want from your major life goals to your day-to-day desires is NOT OK. The most you'll ever get is what you ask for. If you don't even know what it is that you want, then you can't even ask for it and even worse you won't ever know when and if you get there!

By being specific in defining your goal, the choices you make along the way will be more goal-directed. You will recognize which behaviors and choices support your goals and which do not. You will know when you are heading toward your goal and when you are off track.

Be bold enough to reach for what will truly fill you up, without being unrealistic. Once you have the strength and resolve enough to believe that you deserve what it is that you want, then and only then, will you be bold enough to step up and claim it. Remember…if you don't or won’t, someone else will be happy to!

Marijuana: Myth V. Fact

Marijuana is the most widely used illicit drug in the United States. The use of marijuana has adverse health, safety, social, academic, economic, and behavioral consequences, yet to most of society’s astonishment, many people view the drug as "harmless." The widespread perception of marijuana as a benign natural herb seriously detracts from the most basic message our society needs to deliver, understand, and accept: IT IS NOT OK FOR ANYONE, ESPECIALLY YOUNG PEOPLE, TO USE THIS OR ANY OTHER ILLICIT DRUG.

Marijuana became popular among the younger population in the 1960’s, but most of the marijuana available today is considerably more potent than the "weed" of the Woodstock era. The average THC (delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol) levels rose from less than 1% in the mid 70’s to more than 6% in 2002. Sinsemilla potency increased in the past two decades from 6% to more than 13%, with some samples containing THC levels of up to 33%. Users tend to be younger than those of past generations. Since the late 60’s, the average age of the consistent marijuana users has dropped from around 19 to 17. People are also lighting up at an earlier age.  Fewer than 1/2 of those using marijuana for the first time in the late 1960’s were under 18. However, by 2001, the proportion of those under 18 first time users had increased to about 67%.

It must also be acknowledged that today’s young people are living in a world that is vastly different from the world of their parents and grandparents. Kids these days are bombarded on a constant basis with drug messages in print, on screen, and on CD. They also have easy access to the Internet, which has endless sites promoting the wonders of marijuana, offering kits for beating drug tests, and, in some cases, advertising pot for sale. Many people who worry about the dangers of heroin or cocaine are far less concerned about marijuana. They also tend to consider experimentation with pot an adolescent rite of passage. These ignorant, uninformed attitudes are some of what has given rise to a number of myths in our culture. Movies, magazines, and other media commonly glamorize marijuana and demonstrate gratuitous use of it, completely trivializing the risks and ignoring any negative consequences. At the same time, special interest groups proclaim that smoked marijuana is not only harmless, it’s actually good medicine.

The point of this article is to look at some of the grossly popular misconceptions/myths about marijuana and explain why they are wrong. I also plan to describe the dangers of marijuana and why it is important for society to send a clear, consistent, and credible message to our young people about the seriousness of the threat.

MYTH: MARIJUANA IS NOT HARMFUL

Marijuana harms in many ways and kids are the MOST vulnerable to its damaging effects. Use of the drug can lead to significant health, safety, social, and learning or behavioral problems and the issues only intensify the younger the user.  Short term effects of marijuana use include memory loss, distorted perception, trouble with thinking/problem solving, and anxiety. Students who use marijuana may find it hard to learn which naturally jeopardizes their ability to achieve their full potential.  Marijuana can cause problems with concentration and thinking patterns. College students who used marijuana regularly have shown to have impaired skills related to attention, memory, and learning 24 hours after they last used the drug. A study conducted at the University of Iowa, found that people who used marijuana frequently (7 or more times weekly for an extended period) showed deficits in mathematical skills and verbal expression as well as selective impairments in memory. Regular marijuana use has also shown to affect the user long term causing poor academic performance, poor job performance with increased absences from work/school, cognitive deficits, and lung damage. Marijuana use is also associated with a number of risky sexual behaviors, including having multiple sex partners, initiating sex at an early age, and failing to consistently consider or use any type of birth control

Particularly for young people, marijuana use can lead to increased anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and other mental health problems. One study linked social withdrawal, anxiety, depression, attention problems, and thoughts of suicide in adolescents with marijuana use. Other research shows that kids age 12 to 17 who smoke marijuana weekly are three times more likely than nonusers to have thoughts about committing suicide. According to the American Society of Addiction Medicine, addiction and psychiatric disorders often occur together. One of the most recent surveys produced by the National Survey on Drug Use and Health reported that adults who use illicit drugs were more than twice as likely as non-users to suffer from a serious mental illness.

Marijuana also demonstrates harm when it contributes to auto crashes or other incidents that injure or kill, another problem that is especially prevalent among young people. In a study produced by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, even a moderate dose of marijuana was shown to impair driving performance. The study measured reaction time and how often drivers checked the rearview mirror, side streets, and the relative speed of other vehicles. Another study looked at data concerning shock/trauma patients who had been involved in traffic crashes. The researchers found 15% of the trauma patients injured while driving a car or motorcycle had been smoking marijuana and another 17% had both THC and alcohol in their blood. Statistics such as these are particularly troubling in light of recent survey results indicating that almost 36 MILLION people, age 12 or older, drove under the influence of alcohol, marijuana, and/or another illicit drug in the past year.

MYTH: MARIJUANA IS NOT ADDICTIVE

To say it was ONCE believed that consistent marijuana use could lead to addiction would be false because that same mentality is still very much prevalent today. However, all research shows the exact opposite to be true.  Marijuana use is often associated with behavior that meets the criteria for substance dependence established by the American Psychiatric Association in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSMIV). The DSM states the criteria for substance dependence includes tolerance, withdrawal symptoms, using a drug even in the presence of adverse effects, and giving up social, occupational, or recreational activities because of substance use. A survey conducted in 2002 by the National Survey on Drug Use and Health stated 4.3 MILLION Americans were classified with dependence on or abuse of marijuana. That figure represents 1.8% of the total U.S. population and 60% of those classified who abuse or are dependent on illicit drugs.

As with any addiction, the physical need for marijuana brings a powerful pull on the user and this need, coupled with withdrawal symptoms, is naturally the disadvantage to ceasing consistent use. Those trying to quit may experience irritability, anxiety, and difficulty sleeping. Research also indicates the earlier kids start using, the more likely they are to become dependent on this and/or other illicit drugs later in life.  It is also a fact that the number of teens entering treatment each year with their primary issue being consistent marijuana use is higher than all other illicit drugs combined. Of those admitted for treatment (all ages), 56% stated they had first use the drug by age 14 and 26% had begun by age 12.

MYTH: MARIJUANA IS NOT AS HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH AS TOBACCO

Although some people think that marijuana is a benign natural herb, it actually contains many of the same cancer causing chemicals found in tobacco. Puff for puff, the amount of tar inhaled and the level of carbon monoxide absorbed, regardless of THC content, are 3 to 5 times greater than among tobacco smokers. Consequently, regular marijuana users often have the same breathing problems as tobacco users, such as chronic coughing/wheezing, more frequent acute chest illnesses, and a tendency toward obstructed airways.  Even at very young ages, marijuana smoking can cause potentially serious/chronic respiratory system damage. There have also been findings that show the daily smoking of even  small amounts of marijuana (3 or 4 joints) have comparable, if not greater effect on the respiratory system than the smoking of a pack of cigarettes and regular use, even for less than six years, causes a marked deterioration in lung function.

MYTH: MARIJUANA CALMS PEOPLE DOWN

Kids who use marijuana weekly are almost 4 times more likely to report they engage in violent behavior. Another study showed, incidences of physically attacking people, stealing, and/or destroying property increased in proportion to the number of days marijuana was smoked in the past. Users were also twice as likely to disobey at school and destroy their own things. Researchers examined the relationship between 10 illicit drugs and 8 criminal offenses and found a greater frequency of marijuana use associated with a greater likelihood to commit weapons offenses. With the exception of alcohol, none of the other drugs showed such a connection. This same study that was published in the Journal of Addictive Diseases, also found a correlation between marijuana use and the commission of attempted homicide and reckless endangerment offenses.

MYTH: MARIJUANA CAN TREAT CANCER AND OTHER DISEASES

Marijuana providing relief for people with certain medical conditions is a subject of intense national debate.  Under the Comprehensive Drug Abuse Prevention and Control Act of 1970, marijuana was established as a Schedule I controlled substance which in layman’s terms means, it’s a dangerous drug that has no recognized medical value. THC can be useful for treating some medical problems which is why Synthetic THC is the main ingredient in Marinol, an FDA approved medication used to control nausea in cancer chemotherapy patients and to stimulate appetite in people with AIDS. Marinol, a legal and safe version of medical marijuana, has been available by prescription since 1985. However, marijuana as a smoked product has NEVER proven to be medically beneficial and, in fact, is much more likely to harm one’s health. Marijuana smoke is a crude THC delivery system that also sends many other harmful substances into the body. The best available evidence points to the conclusion that the adverse effects of marijuana smoke on the respiratory system would almost certainly offset any possible benefit.

Many organizations are pushing to make marijuana available for medicinal purposes, but this campaign is really nothing more than veiled efforts to legalize the drug. However, medicines in this country are not approved by popular vote anyway. Before any drug is given approval consideration for public consumption, let alone actually released, it must undergo extensive, intense clinical trials to demonstrate both safety and efficacy.

MYTH: BUYING MARIJUANA DOESN’T HURT ANYONE

Despite having a reputation of the “peace and love” herb and despite claims that smoking pot is a “victimless” crime, there is much evidence to show marijuana and violence go hand in hand. Marijuana trafficking is a huge, violent business, whether the plants are grown on foreign soil or in the basements, backyards, and farms of the United States. The trade in domestically grown marijuana often turns violent when dealers conflict or when growers feel crops are threatened, but drug criminals are not the only ones who are threatened by the violence of this trade.  A great deal of the marijuana produced in America is done so on public lands, including our national forests and park, areas that have been specifically set aside to preserve wildlife habitats, provide playgrounds for our children, and serve as natural refuges for recreation. Traffickers use these lands because they are free and accessible, crop ownership is hard to document, and because growers are immune to asset forfeiture laws. Officials report many growers looking to protect their crops will surround their plots with booby traps, such as fishhooks dangling at eye level, bear traps, punji sticks, and rat traps rigged with shotgun shells.

The majority of this drug that is grown on public land is done so in the national forests of California, where more than 540,000 plants were seized or eradicated in 2003 alone. This figure does not include the 309,000 plants taken from land in other states or the hundreds of thousands of plants removed from land managed by other government agencies. The description of those controlling any of California’s illegal marijuana fields is “peace loving flower children carrying high powered assault weapons”. During the growing season, Mexican cartels smuggle hundreds of undocumented nationals into the U.S. to work the fields. They also bring with them pesticides, equipment, and guns. Hunters, campers, and others have been threatened at gunpoint or fired upon after stumbling into these illegal gardens.

Another misconception is marijuana smoked in the U.S. is grown in the U.S.  In reality, smuggled marijuana, whether from Mexico, other Latin America areas, or Canada, accounts for most of the pot available in America. Drug traffickers also often use violence to get their product to our market and have been doing so since the 70’s.

Let us not forget what marijuana use by pregnant women does to their unborn children, it hurts teen users who betray the trust of their parents, and it hurts the parents who are confused and dismayed by their kids’ use. It hurts communities when users commit crimes or cause crashes on roadways.  Marijuana also creates harm by causing lost productivity in business, limiting educational attainment, and by contributing to illnesses and injuries that put additional strain on the health care system. Completely harmless???

MYTH: GOOD PARENTS CAN KEEP THEIR CHILDREN FROM BEING EXPOSED TO MARIJUANA

It’s an unfortunate fact that if kids want marijuana, they will find it. About 55% of youths, ages 12 to 17, reported that marijuana would be easy to obtain, whether it was from a friend, at school, and someone selling drugs on the street.  Kids are also exposed to a relentless barrage of marijuana messages in music, movies, magazines, and the Internet.  Certain aspects of our culture also glamorize marijuana use while trivializing, failing, or refusing to show the serious harm it can cause.  In 2001, a survey found 42% of all high school students nationwide had used marijuana at some time in their lives. A report based on that survey revealed that from 1990 to 2001, the number of 9th graders reporting current marijuana use had more than doubled from 9.5% to 19.4%. Marijuana use is in some ways like a contagious disease, spreading from “infected” individuals to the others around them. Kids with friends who use marijuana are themselves more than 30 times as likely to marijuana. An extremely interesting fact for a number of the kids I have worked with is kids who know their parents consistently used or are using the drug are NINE TIMES more likely to also use!

We must accept that it’s out there and unless you are home schooling your child, living in a house with no technology, never allowing them to leave the home, and never allowing them to have people in (which is borderline child abuse), your child is going to be aware of/exposed to drugs. It’s your connection with them and their education that is going help avoid a drug habit/experimentation. Obviously that is not a guarantee. I am aware children have their own minds eventually doing what they are going to do. They are like people that way. I can tell you, you stand a far better chance than doing nothing!

MYTH: PARENTS CANNOT DO ANYTHING TO STOP THEIR KIDS FROM EXPERIMENTING

It should not have to be said that parents hold the most powerful influence over their children when it comes to drugs, but unfortunately it does. When we get involved, stay involved, know what our kids are doing, set limits, and give clear rules and consequences, we increase the chances our kids will stay drug free. Research has shown appropriate parental monitoring can reduce future drug use even among adolescents who may be prone to use, such as rebellious children, those who cannot control their emotions, and ones who experience internal distress.  In a survey conducted in 2000, 27% of young people who believed that their parents did not strongly disapprove of marijuana use reported illicit drug use within the past month. For kids who thought their parents did disapprove, the rate of use was only 4%.  Another interesting fact is that kids who learn about the risks of drugs from their parents or caregivers are less likely to use drugs than kids who do not.

Experts do suggest that it is best for parents to try and be home when their kids come home from school because evidence indicates the riskiest time for kids to involve themselves with drugs is 3-6p.m. Those parents who can’t be home at that time should consider enrollment in after school programs, sports, or other activities, or arrange for a trusted adult to oversee them. It’s also important for families to participate in family oriented activities such as eating meals together, talk and connect on a regular basis, and establish regular routines of doing something special (like taking a walk) that allow parents to talk to their kids. Open channels of communication between parents and children gives young people greater confidence and helps them make healthy choices.

CONCLUSION

The clutter of messages about marijuana in our current atmosphere is creating great confusion and worse is sending our children mixed signals about drugs in general.  What should be clear is that no responsible person thinks young people should use marijuana!  

Parents need to educate themselves on the dangers so they can in turn educate their children. They need to monitor their activities and staying actively involved in their lives. Schools and communities can provide activities that keep kids interested and involved in healthy, drug free programs.