The Face Of Domestic Violence: Part Two

The majority of this article contains the warning signs of an abusive relationship, the effects it can cause on the victims and the children, partner violence among teens, medical and economic cost, and some statistics associated with this epidemic that I found extremely interesting. There are also some more examples from my experience.  Please believe from the beginning, my intention is in no way to offend any person. The intention is the same as when I share any of my stories…that maybe some of the things revealed in my life, will save/help someone else. I also apologize for the length. It has been a chore trying to decrease it and I have taken a great deal out, but I just felt the rest of the information was necessary.

Being involved in these relationships can be absolutely draining emotionally, psychologically, physically, and even financially, but another big negative is what it does to your relationships with family and friends. Typically, the aggressor in these situations really do not want you have contact with outside sources he does not control obviously because while they have no problem hurting you, they don’t actually want others to know about it. So if he controls the contact you have, there is less chance people will know. In my case he would do things like flirt with my friends and make me feel as though leaving me for them could be a possibility. Naturally I would not want them around. Being told enough times you can’t make it on your own and no one else will ever love you, can leave you with little self-esteem and enormous insecurities.

He would also say things about my family, “paranoia seeds” as I called them and before too long I would hear or see them things from them that my mind would twist. There is no reality, only perception, and sometimes that perception is fragile.  When you do start to pull away from family or friends, some see it as you just not wanting anything to do with them and/or you are avoiding them on purpose, which usually is not the case. Living within this lifestyle carries a great deal of shame. It’s agonizing to let people into a world where you are being subjected to beatings, verbal abuse, threats, control, and overall maltreatment. You fear judgment, pity, avoidance, or worse, being ignored all together. Outsiders don’t really have the ability to wrap their brain around why you would stay and endure such agony, but when you are on the outside of anything, the answers are always very black and white! 

My older sister was the one person who always knew me better than anyone else and there was no ability to keep a secret from her so trying to hide this would have been impossible.  As my marriage progressed our relationship got more and more distant, till eventually, non-existent. None of this was really due to anything she had done. This was just not a world I wanted her to be a part of nor did I want her to know I was a part of it, but I also needed to give myself a reason to close off such an important person in my life. In the beginning I would find little things, blow them up in my mind, and well, if you tell yourself anything enough, you start to believe it. Time does take all though and before I knew it, 10 years with my sister was gone. Now, five of those years occurred after my divorce, but the person I was after my divorce was a shell of the person I was when she knew me. A great deal of healing had to occur within myself for so many reasons. I also admit, part of me was scared. Scared she would hate me, scared she wouldn’t understand, scared she would not love me as the person I am. However, a couple years ago, I just picked up the phone one day and called her and it was amazing, as though the last time we had talked had just been the day before. I will never get those years back or those lost memories, but we plan to take full advantage of the opportunity now to make new ones!

There is a strong misguided belief that the only victims of partner violence are ones who fit a certain criteria i.e. females of a lower economic status, who have low self-esteem. Please believe this is pure myth. Those who are in fact at the most risk for partner violence is…EVERYONE! Every person regardless of social class, religion, culture, race, sex, origin, sexual orientation, or age has the potential to be a victim. Males or females can be perpetrators or targets of abuse and it can happen in either straight or same-sex relationships. With that being said, the percentage of female victim is much higher than males (85% are females), males can still be victims of violence, and statistically women 16 to 24 are at a greater risk than other groups. There are also no specific features that make up abusers. They are not just physically intimidating, “scary looking” souls who lurk in the dark. You actually can never tell by a first glance. Some may have grown up in abusive homes while others could have had healthy, connected family relationships. The entire unpredictable nature of this epidemic is the very reason EVERY person should be educated about it.

Warning Signs And Psychological Effects:

The actual definition of a domestic violence relationship is: A pattern of abusive behavior in an intimate or romantic relationship (married, unmarried, living together, dating, with kids, without kids) where one person chooses to control the relationship through force, intimidation, and/or fear and that abuse can be physical, verbal, emotional, and/or sexual. It can be subtle or extreme and gone untreated and ignored, the abuse WILL ONLY GET WORSE. These relationships are more than an argument every once in a while and since every relationship is different it’s often hard for most to tell when it may have crossed “that line”. There are very specific signs you can look for, but please remember, every sign DOES NOT have to be present to be considered abusive. Does your partner:

• Check your cell phone or email without your permission?
• Are they constantly putting you down or degrading you?
• Do they exhibit extreme jealousy or insecurities about your relationship?
• Do they have an explosive temper?
• Do they try to isolate you from family or friends?
• Are they consistently making false accusations directed at you?
• Do they exhibit frequent and severe mood swings
• Are you being physically hurting you in ANY WAY?
• Are they possessive of you and your time?
• Are you always being told what to do?
• Is there repeated pressure for you to have sex?

The only thing on the above list my ex-husband did not exhibit was in regards to cell phones only because back then, they were not a big deal, but the level of anger he could display was unlike any I had ever seen (I will say it typically involved alcohol).  Another that specifically hits home was being pressured for sex. He believed as his wife, it was my duty, and anytime he wanted it or expected it, it should not be an issue and one Sunday, it was the very issue fired him up. The kids were awake, they wanted to eat, and I didn’t think it was appropriate, but that is not the answer he wanted. I tried to go make breakfast and was wearing one of those thick, college sweatshirts with a hood. He grabbed the hood and jerked it so hard it ripped the material down the front about 10-12 inches. Not only choking me, but it hurt like hell. I was sitting in the floor crying and he brought my children in the room, lined them up, pointed at me, and said “don’t ever grow up to be like that b*tch, a crying, whining, worthless piece of sh*t”.  In my mind, this was the world of every wife, right? That was not the end of the fight and it actually went on most of the day. That particular Sunday was my birthday.

You might also be saying to yourself, “I am not in an abusive relationship because I have not been hit”, however abuse is not always physical. Some people only use emotional abuse, controlling you by destroying your self-esteem, making you feel worthless, etc. This abuse can actually be much harder to pinpoint, but it is no less devastating and has just as many consequences for the victim. The following is a list of characteristics of an emotionally abusive relationship. Does your partner:

• Continuously degrade or belittle you, criticize you, call you names, or shout at you?
• Utilize economic power or money to control you?
• Continuously threaten to leave you?
• Make you afraid with certain looks, gestures, or actions?
• Always smash or break things around the house?
• Control you through minimizing, denying, and blaming you for the problems?
• Make light of the abuse and/or not take your concerns about it seriously?
• Always emotionally degrade you in private, but act very charming in public?
• Humiliate you in private or public?
• Withhold approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment.

I can’t even begin to calculate the amount of money spent on things he broke regularly during a temper tantrum…picture frames, windows, furniture, cordless phones… I remember one of his favorite games when he was mad about something I did was to refuse to talk to me, come near me, or give me any type of affection until he decided I “deserved it”. Anytime I broke the rules by trying to talk to him or anything else, he would say “that’s another day”. Sometimes this went on for so long and I would become so lonely, I would literally end up begging, crying, and pleading with him to make it end. Making me cry was an especially fun thing for him because he always laughed at me when I did, telling me what a f’n crybaby I was, how pathetic I was, how embarrassing it was for him to be married to me. The truly shocking part was how so many refused to believe he was capable of such acts. Even when he tore my rotator cuff and dislocated my shoulder, the response I got from some was “what did you do to make him mad”.  If you have a friend or family member in one of these relationships, it very important to remember the psychological turmoil they go through daily is grueling and people need to avoid adding to it by being overly critical or judgmental about their life and choices.

Women in these relationships are at their most vulnerable when/if they separate from their partner and the second most vulnerable group are those who actually divorce. These two facts are also responsible for discouraging most women from leaving their abusive partner because naturally they are afraid the terror and trauma will only increase. I don’t know if having this knowledge would have persuaded me to not leave, but at the very least I think I could have been more prepared when I did.

It's not a secret that some of these cases end in tragedy for the victim and sometimes for the children involved. Family and friends need to be very aware of this possibility because obviously if it comes to this point, it will be too late to help. The characteristics that can significantly increase the risk of a person being killed by an intimate partner abuser are:

• The abuser having access to a gun and has made previous threats or assaults with a gun.
• Threats of murder.
• Forceful sex.
• Previous attempts to strangle the victim.
• Being extremely jealous.
• Physical violence has increased in severity and/or frequency.
• Drugs or alcohol abuse.
• There is a child in the home who is not biologically related to the offender.
• The offender is stalking the victim.
• The victim was abused during pregnancy.
• The offender is unemployed.

The list of the most common characteristics of offenders who perpetrate domestic violence that could end in murder/suicides:

• There is a prior history of family violence.
• The offender has access to a gun.
• The offender has made threats, especially increased threats with increased specificity.
• Prior history of poor mental health or substance abuse, especially alcohol.
• A prior history of family violence represents the greatest risk factor for domestic violence related murder/suicide.

For those who are legally married, there are a few things I feel are EXTREMELY important should they be considering divorce. My ex-husband and myself owned a home together, shared credit cards, and other debts. I didn’t really know anything about credit because I had never been taught about it so I believed by paying thousands of dollars to separate my life from his, that was all that was necessary. Although the final divorce decree listed what each party was responsible for (in regards to debts accumulated during the marriage), it was still pretty much useless.  I can’t speak for every state, but Texas does not care what is written on a piece of paper in regards to credit or loans. If your name is on something, YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE and divorce means NOTHING as far as debt collectors are concerned. My ex-husband has gotten behind on the mortgage for years and every late/non-payment has affected my credit since the day I left. He was ordered to refinance the home within 60 days of the divorce and I was not even aware he had not done that until we tried to buy our own home. We were told no because our salaries don’t support two mortgages. We have talked to lawyer, we have talked to the mortgage company, and we have even sent a copy of the divorce decree to all three major credit institutions in Texas. I even did all the refinancing work for him so all he had to do was go down, sign some papers, and still he would not do it. That one piece of control he is not willing to give up. Years ago, he stopped paying on two of the credit cards he was responsible for and again, they came after me. Just to help save my credit, we paid off his two debts while still paying our own. Recently, 7 years after our divorce was final, I have been getting calls from other credit card companies wanting the accounts brought current because for whatever reason, the payments are not being made. Now, I know there are people in my life who have wondered why I don’t have a home of my own (or other material things) since I have a Master’s degree and my husband also has a degree. I know this because of comments that have been made to me and about me to others. This is one of the many reasons I say don’t judge what you don’t know because the reason is due to the things I have stated and has NOTHING to do with an inability to manage our money or pay our debts.  As far as other material things, what is deemed “necessary” or “important” is all a matter of opinion and there are a lot of things, I don’t find necessary.

The above information is really applicable to anyone who finds themselves getting divorced period, not just those who are divorcing because of domestic violence. You have to ensure you protect yourself. If you own a home and you will be keeping it, get it refinanced in your name. That way if you ever happen to sell it, your ex cannot try to claim proceeds or even contest the sale. If you are not going to stay in the home, again, get it refinanced so you don’t end up in my situation. The same is true of credit cards. If you are not the primary on the card, you can typically have your name removed by whoever is, however if you are the primary on the card, then unfortunately it will be your debt. If that happens, you need to make sure you and you alone have control of that card so you can control the charges on it as well as when the payments are made.  

Violence Among Teens:

There are many words we would associate with being a teenager, but most of us would never associate words like beatings, control, restraining orders, death.  However, dating violence among teens is also a tragic casualty of life that is happening way more than we think. This age group also holds no discrimination towards who can become a victim or abuser.

At least 40% of students 14 to 17 and 20% of those 13 to 14 stated they know at least one person in their age group who had been hit, slapped, or punched by their dating partner, 62% of teens 11 to 14 said they had friends who had been verbally abused, and 1/3 of those 15 to 19 who are murdered each year in this country are a result of dating violence. There was a national study conducted which showed half of all teenagers wish they had more information about abuse. So clearly, the kids want to be educated, clearly they need to be educated, what are we waiting on?

There was another survey completed involving more than 4,000 high school students and the results were pretty shocking.  About 1 in 5 girls reported physical and/or sexual abuse by a dating partner. It indicated when sexual abuse was present, there was usually physical abuse as well. Girls who reported abuse were also 4 to 6 times more likely than their peers to have been pregnant, whether they gave birth or terminated the pregnancy. There is also a growing trend of the abuser in these teen relationships impregnating their partner on purpose.  Also, girls who are victims are much more likely than their peers to develop a pattern of being involved in relationships containing forms of violence, become sexually active at a young age and possibly with multiple partners, develop a substance abuse problem, develop unhealthy weight control habits, struggle with severe depression, and/or have suicidal thoughts or actions.

Affects On Children:

In households of domestic violence, 38% contain female victims with children less 12 and 21% contain male victims with children less than 12. Over the course of their lives, 57% of youth who witnessed violence between parents or other adult caregivers had also been abused or maltreated in some way as opposed to the 11% of abused children who had not witnessed any violence.

General studies have found a 30-60% overlap between the issues developed in children who were victim of only child abuse and victims of only domestic violence. These parallel issues include:

• Trauma-related anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.
• Persistent issues with engaging in fighting, bullying, lying, cheating, and disobedience.
• Extreme difficulty in relationships with others, romantic or otherwise.
• Poor school performance.
• Attitudes that will lead to violent behavior as well as being more likely to engage in violence in the community.
• Pre-school children may suffer from persistent bed-wetting, nightmares, post-traumatic stress symptoms, allergies, asthma, gastrointestinal problems, headaches, and flu.
• Adolescents are more likely to attempt suicide, abuse drugs or alcohol, run away from home, engage in delinquent behavior or prostitution, and commit sexual assault crimes.

The impact an abuser can have upon a child is tremendous, especially when dealing with an abuser who plays a significant role in the child’s life. Children live what they learn. Male children who are subjected to a home where the father figure is committing acts of violence against a woman are highly likely to grow up believing this treatment of women is acceptable and girls may grow to believe this is how they are supposed to be treated and will therefore allow it. These effects may be minimized or buffered with the presence of a protective adult within the home and/or outside it and also if the child possesses their own positive coping skills.

Healthcare/Medical Costs:

The overall healthcare cost in the U.S. associated with domestic violence and/or partner violence reaches amounts of $5.8 billion each year.  From that amount, almost $4.1 billion goes directly towards medical and mental health care of victims and almost $1.8 billion is used for the indirect costs of lost productivity and/or wages.

Within the group of abuse victims, 40-50% report receiving injuries during an assault by their partner and these injuries account for over 200,000 Emergency Room visits each year. Women are also far more likely than men to be murdered by their intimate partner, to be exact 3 out of 4 victims killed due to domestic violence are women.

Another issue faced by those who have been a victim (including children) of intimate partner violence is the long physical and/or mental effects on their health.  They are more likely to experience things such as frequent headaches, gastrointestinal problems, depression, anxiety, sleep problems, and/or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Economic Effects of Intimate Partner Violence:

We have experienced a huge economic downturn and while this issue is not the cause of domestic violence, it can create a stressful home environment conducive to domestic violence occurring as well as reducing the means in which a victim may be able to leave. In fact, domestic violence is 3X more likely to occur when couples are experiencing high levels of financial strain and women whose male partner experienced 2 or more periods of unemployment during a five year period, were 3X more likely to be subjected to violence as opposed to those whose male partners held a steady job. Domestic Violence also contributes to the loss of approximately 32,000 jobs, each year in the U.S.

Currently in the U.S., about 25% of the homeless females report domestic violence is the cause.  

Based upon statistics from the National Law Center on Homelessness and Poverty cites, at least 50% of women participating in Temporary Assistance to Needy Families (TANF) have experienced domestic violence (at least 25% of them had experienced violence within the past year) and this number is more than double the percentage of the general population.

Domestic Violence Facts and Statistics (occurring in the U.S):

• 6,668 military personal were killed in Afghanistan and Iraq…11,766 women were killed during the same time period due to domestic violence.
• 24 people per minute experience intimate partner violence.
• 18,700 people are killed annually during workplace violence incidents that are a result of current or past intimate partner assaults.
• 270% is how much the likelihood increases a woman will die from partner violence if the abuser has access to a gun.
• 1 in 3 high school girls experience violence in a dating relationship.
• $37 billion is the annual combined cost for emergency care, legal costs, police work, and lost productivity due to domestic violence.
• 1 in 45 men and 1 in 12 women will be stalked in their lifetimes and 90% of the stalkers are known to the victim.
• 1 in every 325 households experiences intimate partner violence.
• On average a victim will be hit 35 times before they make even one police report.

In closing I want to share, what I feel is one of the most important stories in history about women and domestic violence:

On June 10, 1983, Tracy Thurman was attacked by her estranged and abusive husband Charles “Buck” Thurman after her numerous attempts to secure protection from local police in Torrington, Connecticut went  unheeded. Though she called the police for help when Buck initially arrived and although she had a restraining order in place, there was no response for more than 45 minutes. By the time they arrived, Buck had beat Tracy, kicked her repeatedly in the head while wearing work boots, jumped on her spine, and stabbed her 13 times in the chest, face, neck, and shoulders, including a long, deep laceration from her mouth to her ear. Part of this attack took place with police officers on the scene, watching, because they were unsure of what to do. Tracy suffered injuries so great they left her permanently scarred, partially paralyzed losing 80% of her motor skills, and she spent 7 months in the hospital. She was only 22 at the time. The attack that day on Tracy was not the first time she had been attacked and beaten by her husband. There were multiple complaints against Charles, among them, restraining orders that had been dismissed. In 1985, Tracy won a $2.3 million settlement against the city of Torrington, CT as well as two dozen police officers. 

Due to the court case and it’s coverage by the national news, the need for awareness of domestic violence escalated across the country. The "Thurman Law" was passed by the state of Connecticut first, which ordered any accusation of domestic violence resulted in an immediate arrest, REGARDLESS of whether or not the other party wished to press charges. This law was a great step for victims of domestic violence, but there will always be a need for continuous education, tolerance, compassion, and understanding. Friends and family of an abuser also need to realize that people who commit domestic violence do so because they CHOOSE to, not because they can't stop themselves. Putting your hands on another person and/or bringing harm to them through your words, is a CHOICE! Making excuses or blaming the victim is not only going to do more harm to the victim, any children involved, but it just enables the abuser to continue making the same choices and avoid getting help.  Victims also need to work towards understanding there is NOTHING you can do or say to deserve being abused and the abuse is NEVER your fault. Trust me, I know that is easier said than done. Plain and simple, everyone has the right to have safe and healthy relationships and to not live in fear!

I hope you enjoyed the information. For those who may be getting abused by their partner and are looking for help, please visit http://www.thehotline.org/  or you can call (800)799-SAFE!

The Last Year In Your Childhood Chapter...

I have said many, many times that the old saying "your children will be grown before you know it" sounds so very cliché, however it is so very true. On this day, 12 years ago, I was in the hospital, giving birth to my 4th and last child, James. Like his siblings, he also decided to make his appearance sooner than expected and while he was not as sick as the rest when he was born, his labor was by far the worst.

I had starting dilating weeks before, just as I had with Kyndall. On July 4th the pain was intense and I felt so sick. I truly believed I was going to have me an Independence Day baby, but as we have come to learn with James as he has grown, he is not someone who enjoys sharing the spotlight and was not about to share his day with anyone!

I had a doctor's appt the morning of the 5th anyway, so I went in, he hooked me up, saw I was having contractions pretty regularly, and said "so are you ready to go have this baby?" "I said it's July, in Texas, I am almost 35 weeks pregnant, and I am as swollen as a flotation device, what do you think?" So we headed to the hospital about 9:30, at that time I was dilated to a 5. Since I know that after a 7, no epidural, that was first on my list of priorities. I know lots of women are able to soldier through labor and I admire it, but I felt having had Kylee with not so much as an aspirin, I had done my part for woman kind and knew all I needed to know about "natural childbirth"! Now they do tell us all the complications you can experience from the epidural, prior to giving it to you, but I would be willing to bet most women do not hear them, they are just looking for the place to sign. You see, when you are experiencing what feels like your entire body being turned inside out like a sock and someone is standing there holding magic in a syringe that will make all the suffering go away, the human brain has this uncanny ability to tune out "the why not's". However, I probably should have taken notice of that "possible blood pressure issues" statement. The second the epidural was put in, I felt extremely cold, my chest felt like it was collapsing, and monitors were going off like crazy. Needless to say, that was not supposed to happen! It more than just a small blood pressure drop, I was pretty much "bottoming out" as they call it. However, while that crisis was dealt with, the epidural also caused my labor to stop at 7. They waited several hours for anything to happen and then decided they were going to have to give me a Pitocin drip. Lucky me, they also stopped the epidural because it was creating numerous issues. Just what every woman in active labor wants to hear..."We are going to give you something that will make your labor increase quickly, your pain will not build, it will come more like a tidal wave, and while we're at it, we're going to take away your only ability to have any pain relief of any kind!" Well aren't you all fun little lollipops dipped in psychopathic tendencies...I thought on the inside...

So another drug free birth I incurred, but through all the complications, highly derogatory statements, and new four letter word combinations made at the hospital staff...with my inside voice..., James displaying the same stubbornness as his mother, graced us with presence. In a small twist of irony, he was not born on firecracker day, but had a head full of red hair! Being a preemie, he fully expected some issues so when they begin to explain what James was experiencing, I began to cry, and simply said in my most pleasant outside voice, "I have done this before, I know exactly what you are fixing to tell me, but here is what I am going to tell you. I am on my 4th child and have yet to leave the hospital with one. I do not in anyway plan on doing it again so do what you have to, that is fine, but I will not walk out of here without a baby in my hands". Three days later, James became the only one of my four kids to come home when I did.

In the last 12 years, his more than shown that while he might be the baby of this family, he is his very own person, has his very personality, and I can honestly say out of the three I have raised, has the most differences, in a good way. James also has his own struggles to, especially when it comes to his ability to focus on things he does not necessary find enjoying, but he also has a lot of gifts. James loves to make people laugh, to sing and make up his own songs, to make jokes, to be praised, to make others happy. He loves to be loved and to love others. His heart is as pure as any I have ever seen. James may not be particularly fond of his red hair, but I have always told him God filled the world with blonde, brown, and black headed people, but you don't see many red heads. That is because God only chose the special ones to be red headed. I should also point out, the stereotype about red headed people having a temper, I can tell you at the very least does apply to my red head. I don't think he would ever truly hurt anyone.

I have thoroughly enjoyed the last 12 years with him. This will be his last birthday before he becomes a teenager and starts the next chapter in his life story. My prayer for him is to make the most of his childhood and even teenage years. You have to be grown for so many years of our lives and only have a small window to be a child and have the ability to go through life with no real worries, no real responsibilities, no real expectations.

Please know how much we love you, how much you are adored, and how much we pray everyday you are able to get all from life you dream of. You might be my baby and while I know there is nothing baby like about you anymore, you will always be my last born and therefore hold a special place in my heart reserved only for you. I hope you have a very happy birthday and very blessed 12th year, for it is the last year in your childhood chapter!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anger Management: A serious problem for adults, teens, and children.

Emotion is a natural part of life. They are our bodies way of letting us know that we are still alive, that we are capable of feeling, and they let us know when our internal self has gone a-rye. Throughout life we all experiences issues that create a gambit of emotions, but for some reason the one we tend to struggle with the most is anger and that can be said both with adults and adolescents. Anger is something that makes us feel helpless and out of control in turn forcing us to struggle with containing it, expressing it, and coping with it. Anger is something that occurs when we perceive that our person is being attacked, whether it is physically or verbally.  The fact is, perception is reality and when people have the perception they are being  attacked or mistreated in a situation can lead to anger building. As human beings, when we feel we have been wronged, those feelings can sometimes cloud our judgment, cause us to say things we might not normally, and/or completely override our total sense of logic.

Anger not only will create psychological changes, but we can also feel changes in our physical person and again, the changes are the same for an adult or adolescent. Your heart rate increases, your blood pressure goes up, and adrenaline races. Some people start to feel sick to their stomach, their head starts to hurt, and some start to feel tension all over their body. A person’s Inability to control their anger can lead to things like road rage, divorce, child abuse, violence in the workplace, and of course domestic violence and anger that is left uncontrolled for years can create chronic/long term health problems such as headaches, issues sleeping, high blood pressure. Some do make the choice to contain or hide their anger and not just once, but for long periods of time. This is just as unhealthy and unproductive. Emotions were meant to be expressed and that includes anger.

Anger management may not be something that people find to be beneficial or productive, but what’s the alternative? What benefits or rewards do we receive when we allow ourselves to become volatile, confrontational, irrational messes? More often than not, we find more consequences.  So how can you tell that you, your teenager, or someone you know might be struggling with their anger? Please take the list of questions below and apply them to yourself, your teen, and/or someone else in your life that you may have in mind: 

• Do you get into many physical fights?
• Do you engage in heated arguing, often with no resolution?
• Are you incapable of getting  over a past situation or occurrence?
• Are you always in a bad mood more often than not?
• Has your anger ever made you want to seek revenge on a person?
• Have you ever wanted to harm yourself or someone else?

If you answered yes more than no, chances are pretty high that some type of anger management is needed. So the next logical step is to begin learning and applying some basic anger management techniques. Below is a list of tips that can be utilized and can also be applied to adults and teenagers:

• If you are a person who needs to de-escalate through an aggressive activity you need to have access to your own personal space that will allow for things such as screaming, working out, hitting a punching bag, etc. Your personal space can simply be any area that is conducive to however you best vent your aggression without further agitating the situation.
• When you find yourself angry beyond the point of being reasonable, we tend to do things that are not beneficial to you, the person you are angry with, or the problem itself. When this happens, remove yourself from the situation all together. Go for a walk, read, take some quiet time, then you can come back with a clear, calm head.
• Examine how you spend most of your day. If you are someone who spends most your time indoors, maybe you need some time outside each day. If you experience a lot of noise during the day, then allow yourself some quiet, relaxing personal time.
• Never underestimate the power of deep breathing and/or counting to ten.
• Learn to accept that you cannot change everything regardless of what emotion you throw at it. Some things, some people, some situations just are what they are. Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it so while we cannot change others we can change our reaction to them.
• We have to take better care of ourselves and spend more time working towards overall balance in life. There has to be time each day allotted for only us and our self-preservation. Also try to leave your work/school problems at work/school. Don’t make others pay for a situation someone else has created.
• The most valuable tool any person has is self-control. No one can control us but us and we cannot hold others accountability for the actions we choose or the words we say. Self-control can also keep you from saying or doing something extremely harmful that an apology might not fix later on.

While it is true, anger management tips can help us avoid reaching total eruption, the ultimate goal is to avoid complete escalation all together.  Everyone has certain triggers that will cause them to become agitated (things that are said or actions that are taken that will automatically enrage them). The key is to identify your triggers so you can avoid them or change your environment so they can be avoided. You can also communicate with those around you, like a spouse,  and educate them about your triggers so they can also help to avoid “trigger” moments. However, if you are unable to completely avoid them, then as stated previously, anger management skills can help you control yourself  and the situation when and/if a trigger does arise.  It must also be noted that if you are someone who feels you stay angry all the time and your inability to manage your anger is affecting your relationships, your job, and/or your health, then clearly larger steps need to be taken to bring peace to your life as well as those around you. These steps can include finding a counselor/therapist to help you work through what could be causing your anger and/or finding some type of a support group.

Anger management not only needs to be a priority in our teens, but also in raising our younger children. Behavioral issues resulting from lack of anger control that occur during childhood, should be clear omens to parents and caregivers of problems to come in adolescence/adulthood. Such problems could include partner violence, severe/extremely harsh punishments for their own children (punishments that could border on or directly be abuse), difficulties at work/school in regards to their interactions with others, and difficulties maintaining friendships. The most effective strategy a parent has for controlling anger in their children is being a good role model. Parents need to be familiar with and utilize anger management  techniques themselves so they can teach their children to cope with daily stress/anger. We ultimately want to teach our children to respond instead of react. It also best to implement these skills is prior to adolescents.  The older a person gets, the more concrete their learning/thinking patterns become which obviously makes changing those patterns more difficult, but if the anger management foundation is already laid, it is something that will help through adulthood.

As parents we think nothing of teaching our children responsibility, kindness, and compassion so teaching them about feeling/expression their emotions should be a priority too. Children need to understand that feeling angry is perfectly okay, but it has to be expressed in a constructive/productive manner. When children are able to better manage their anger, it not only increases their overall self-control, but also helps to increase their self-respect which will help others gain respect for them in return. The really great part is that anger management for children is really the same as it is for teens and adults.

When dealing with the anger displayed by younger children, try using these anger management tips:

• The first thing is to try to help them calm down and refocus. Have them take a deep breath and count to ten. If you feel they are still angry, have them count further or count backwards from ten to one.
• Teach them alternatives to anger. For example, if someone at school is bothering them, teach them to avoid them or get help from an adult. Teach them that in life we deal with all sorts of people we will not get along with.
• If your child cannot put their anger into words, have them draw you a picture. Have them let you know what anger looks like for them. That way in the future when they are feeling angry, they can again draw it, you will recognize it, and can then address it.
• If your child needs to work off their anger, buy them a punching doll or bag. Let them go for a walk or ride a bike. There is one caution to parents though, NEVER SEND AN ANGRY CHILD OUT ALONE! If your child cannot correctly manage their anger, sending them out unsupervised to deal with the unpredictability of the world would not be in your best interest or theirs.
• When your child does manage their anger well, make sure you take notice and reward them.

It's also important to remember in your attempts at positive anger management role modeling, that your child knows even you are susceptible to anger and at times, even you have to exercise the same tools. Children need to see even their parents get angry at times. Don’t try to hide your anger from your children, it will actually do more harm than good.

Teaching Your Children About Good Touch V. Bad Touch

In our society today we are all aware of the enormous numbers of children who are molested and/or mistreated by adults. So as parents we all know how important it is to discuss the topic of “good touch/bad touch” with our younger children. We all know it’s imperative for them to understand what is inappropriate where their bodies are concerned. We all know they need to understand how to communicate to an adult when they feel uncomfortable. The issue we have is HOW do we approach this subject in a way that will not only make them comfortable, but us as well. An effective way in which parents can talk with their children is by “teachable moments”. This is a time at which a person, especially a child, is likely to be particularly disposed to learn something or particularly responsive to being taught or made aware of something.

Often you will find children are naturally curious about their own bodies and this will lead to them touching themselves. This presents a perfect opportunity for parents to begin discussing “good touch/bad touch”. Explain to your child that no one, including mommy, daddy, and other relatives, should be touching them in certain areas unless they are cleaning them or if the doctor needs to look at them. A simple tool you can use is your child’s toys. Using a male or female doll, explain to your child using the doll that no one should ever touch them where a bathing suit would cover them. Most importantly, encourage them to feel completely comfortable and safe coming to you anytime someone has touched them inappropriately or in a way that made them uncomfortable and this includes hurting them physically. There are mixed opinions on whether adults should use proper terminology when teaching children about their private parts or whether it’s okay to use other words the parent and child are comfortable with. My opinion is that you have to do what is best for you. What I will say is that if a parent chooses to use alternative words to make sure there is a CLEAR understanding of the areas those words represent and avoid using them to represent anything else in order to avoid confusion. Also avoid using any ridiculous or childish words because this may give the child the sense that you don't take it seriously and God forbid they are harmed, using insanely immature words could make it difficult for them to communicate when necessary. If you do make the choice to not use proper terminology because your feel your child is still too young, which can very well be the case, make sure when the child is older, you begin to introduce the proper terminology to your child.

We all know there are times when small children will touch one another. As I stated, children are naturally curious, but that curiosity is not and will not be towards their own body alone. This is because there are so many ways in which a child can be exposed to the differences in body types. It’s perfectly normal for them to wonder why they look different. Kids will often play games that include exploration and do not realize they are doing anything wrong. This is why it’s a great opportunity to open communication between you and your child. When situations such as these arise, simply explain to them that it’s not okay for others to touch one another in that way, in those areas, even if they are friends.

There are tons of news stories out there about adults molesting children, in broad daylight, in stores, parks, bathrooms etc. A sad fact of life is that our children often see and/or hear these same stories and in essence it presents another teachable moment. Due to these stories, parents often teach their children to find someone in a uniform if they get separated. This is a good idea, but I ask this question, what if there is no way for your child to identify a safe person? What if you are in a place where identifying a “safe” uniform is not really an option for your child? A good alternative to teach your child is if they ever get separated from you, to start yelling for help, very loudly, wherever they are. Sounds odd right? Well, we always tell our children if they get lost to go to an adult. Well, as I stated the monsters of today blend right in. You don’t know if the adult they ask for help could be a child molester and/or kidnapper. If a child simply starts yelling for help, not only does it draw too much attention for anyone to try and take them, but clearly you are much more likely to find the child yourself. Make sure, however, you are specific with your children. Yelling is not the same thing as yelling "help". Most people may not give too much though to a small child in a store simply yelling, but someone yelling "help" is odd and people will take notice. Another trick for your child should they get separated and/or approached by someone who is not in a uniform (the child needs to understand this could be a policeman's uniform, store employee uniform, etc) start yelling "fire". Again, a child simply yelling, especially in any place full of children, may not cause people to take notice, but anyone yelling fire, is something people will notice. For the adults, we need to remember that it is in our nature to want to help a lost child, however, if you approach one who is alone, you might find yourself in the midst of a child who is going to be drawing attention to you by screaming. To avoid giving others the impression that you are trying to harm the child, simply ask someone you might be with to keep an eye on the child while you go to find a policeman or store employee or if you are alone, you keep an eye on the child while asking someone else to go find someone in a uniform. The reason I say, you keep an eye on the child is because you know your intentions, but you do not know the intentions of someone who is a stranger to you.  

Another thing we are accustomed to doing in our society is forcing our children to say hello to strangers or even family members they don't know and/or forcing them to give hugs and kisses. Then we turn around and put the same expectation on our children to know the difference between what we are forcing them to do that makes them uncomfortable and another adult forcing them to do what makes them uncomfortable. Really?!?!? Children do not have the mental capabilities to process these two situations and consistency is key with children. If a child is not comfortable with an adult, REGARDLESS OF WHO THEY ARE, do not force that adult on your child or vice versa and if this makes the adult upset, well, I guess that is just something they will have to get over!

We simply live in a world where there are too many real life monsters and those monsters don’t have fangs or red eyes like in the movies. One of the worse things that happen to our nation was “stranger danger” because it taught children the only bad people are the ones who hid in the shadows, wear dark, long coats, and were always a stranger to them. It’s unfortunate that there are so many stories our there about children being molested and/or hurt physically.  Another unfortunate fact is that the majority of the time, it is a family member or someone close to the child committing these acts. Therefore our children need to feel they can come to us anytime, with anything, but they also need to feel they will be believed, no matter what! Never dismiss your child's feeling of discomfort or complaints of an adult. Some adults may play around or say things while never intending to make the child feel harmed or scared, but if it has happened, you need to address it. Make your child feel safe and that you are on their side. This may result in some adults feeling insulted or having their ego wounded. As much as we never want to be rude or hurtful to others we care about, our children come first and anyone we truly want in our child's life, will understand that anyway.

We simply cannot protect them from knowing all the ugliness of the world no matter how much we would like to. We also don’t want them to fear the world and those who live in it either, but we can do our best to make sure our children are prepared. Discussing “good touch/bad touch” with your child will never be a onetime event. We need to utilize all the teachable moments we can to ensure our child have enough information to protect themselves.

 

 

 

What Did Happen Monday Morning???

If you are a person who grew up in the 80's, like myself, there is a very good probability you have seen the movie "The Breakfast Club". Much to my delight it was on TV the other night. It has been exactly 20 years since the first time I was able to see this movie and for those of you who have basic math skills let me go ahead and clear it up for you. Yes the movie came out in 1985 and at the time I was 10 years old, but I did not see it until I was 17. I don't really think I would use any other word to describe the monetary aspect of my household growing up accept poor so we did not have cable, we did not have a VCR, and we did not go to the movies. I was 17 years old when we bought our first VCR and therefore, saw the movie on video.

If you are one of the ten people on the planet (like my husband...lol) who has not seen the movie, I will break it down for you. There are five high school students who all have detention on a Saturday for different reasons, they are being monitored by a worn out, jaded, "been there too long" teacher, and you are basically taken on a journey as their lives mesh together in ways they never imagined. Your characters are young Brian. He is a strong student, he works hard academically, and when it came to needing a "target" for personal enjoyment, Brian, like myself, usually found himself on most teenage radars. Claire was the girl who everyone wanted to be, but still secretly hated. She came from money and was selfish, egotistical, narcissistic, materialistic, and completely void of the ability to have awareness of anyone in this world who wasn't her. Andrew was the "top jock" whose father pushed him by telling him sports, winning, and complete manliness were the keys to success. His friends consisted of those who either lived with their lips on his butt or they are those souls he has deemed worthy to bask in his "jock glow".  Bender of course is the guy everyone avoids like the plague because they either don't understand him, are afraid of him, or they fear they will catch his "poverty". Then we have Allison who is just your standard "odd duck" as I like to call them. She doesn't really belong to any group because she doesn't go out of her way to fit in to any group, but at the same time she doesn't go out of her way to alienate or hurt people either. She is just a girl, trying to find her way the best she can with what she has, and the sad part is most people don't want to take the time to understand her to help her.

I think there is a huge difference between "watching" a movie and being actively involved in it. It's pretty well known that my school years were not all that pleasant so when seeing the movie the first time, I was experiencing the same issues and it was very easy to relate to the characters as I am sure hundreds of thousands of other people have in the nearly 30 years the movie has been out. Childhood bullying is a hot button topic for this generation (as it should be), but unfortunately it was not so in the 80's. My school years took place during a different time. A lot of things were viewed as "just a part of growing up". For more than one reason, I think I related to the character of Brian the most. I was a book worm that cared a great deal about my grades because I knew an education was the only thing that was ever going to give me choices. So I worked really hard at my grades and couldn't really handle not getting the best ones possible.   Plus, not being a very socially accepted kid, I did not go out a great deal and school work was something to do.

Having worked with children as long as I have, when I watch this movie I see a group of teenagers who issues are very parallel to so many of the kids I have and am currently working with. They feel they are living in a world in where they have no control, where they are not heard, and where they are not allowed to seek out and be who they feel they truly are. Since perception is reality, what a child sees and hears, creates their reality and becomes the voice of their inner soul. These kids, like a number of teenagers, feel surrounded by adults who thrive on the sayings "do I as I say, not as I do" and "You should respect me for no other reason than I am an adult", neither of which really have any value, carry any merit and are basically terrible teaching tools.  As parents, even though we may have the very best of intentions, are only trying to act in our child's best interest, are only trying to help steer them in the right direction, often we completely forget our children will one day be adults...adults with their thoughts, feelings, opinions, ideas, and identities and it is our job as their parents to give them a solid foundation in which they can build all those things. However, for some reason we unintentionally force our children into a position where they feel they are fighting against a world that doesn't understand or listen to them which in turn causes them to act out. Every behavior has a reason, the key is as adults to find the meaning behind the behavior and stop focusing so much on the act itself. There is just a fine line between parenting and allowing our children to solely navigate their own path and we are constantly trying to find that line and manage it.

Watching the movie this time, I had 20 years of work experience to apply and relate to the characters which in turn caused me to naturally see it in a whole different light. It got me to thinking about the roads we walk as we grow, the personalities we take on, and if you really examine adult interactions and behaviors, it's not hard to see that "bullying" is not just a childhood issue. Regardless of how old we get, the deep seeded emotions, insecurities, and needs we felt as teenagers are secretly still hidden in the dark recesses of our hearts. Some things we do outgrow (some of us)...like not wanting to be involved in drama, avoiding pettiness, and moving away from all around nonsense. However, most human beings never outgrow our need to be loved, to be accepted, to be remembered, to be respected, to be included. There is always a longing deep down inside to be included by others and not be the one left standing on the outside of the circle. Before we even realize it, we can be forced to regress back to that little, lonely child on the playground when someone has hurt our feelings or made us feel bad ourselves. We don't like to be ignored when we reach out to others. With each passing year, we develop so many expectations of the adult world we live in and sadly we find that many people are still functioning from the high school hallways. Pain is pain and while some of us hide it better and/or manage it more effectively than others, the scars it left behind are all deep, all real, and all forever. Even as someone who is a lot closer to 40 than 14, there are even now many situations in my life that force me to be instantly transported back to those school days that often ended in tears...days when I try to reach out a hand to help, only to have it ignored...when I make every effort to fit in, only to be laughed at and judged...or the those moments when I put my heart out front only to be stabbed in the back. We are supposed to strive not to treat others as they treat us, but to treat others as we HOPE to be treated, but that's not always easy to do.

I have not developed the wisdom to understand why we treat each other as we do and I am not sure I will ever have the answer to that. Why some are so disrespectful, why they go out of their way to make others feel like they don't count, why some need to act as though their needs and feelings are so much more valuable than others, why some behave so selfishly, so immorally, so unethically. Why some feel they are justified in abandoning those they are supposed to love. I don't believe we are required to be the best of friends with every person we have contact with or even every family member we share, but I do believe we are required to treat other people with decency and dignity. You don't have to help every soul in your life, but you damn sure don't have to go out of your way to create pain and heartache for them either.

Anyone who enjoys 80's trivia as much as do, might know the number one question asked of director, John Hughs, about "The Breakfast Club" is "What did happen Monday morning?". There was never answer provided because he wanted people to create in their own minds what they thought or felt should happen. EVERY DAY is our own "Monday morning". EVERY DAY is opportunity to start over, to make another effort at getting it right, to try and correct the wrongs of the day before, to create a positive impact on another soul. When you end each day, ask yourself  "what did I do today to make the world a little better?" and if your answer to that question is always "nothing"...well then I feel sorry for you...

"Today...We Win As Parents"

When you have kids (whether they are biological or not) there are so many sleepless nights all dedicated to your mind wandering and pondering over thoughts such as "will my child make good choices", "how will their choices affect other people", "are they going to have a positive impact on the world"? Parenting is about doing the best you can with what you have, never giving up, always trying to do better, and learning from your mistakes. However, even with the best intentions, the best efforts, and the best skills, at the end of the day, our children are still in control of themselves, their own choices, and their own path. The only thing we can do is hope all we have done has gotten through. This means some days will be wins and some days will be losses...

Anyone who is really involved in my life or my son Jesse's life is aware how much we, as a family, love high school football and even more so, how much Jesse loves playing it. Since the first time he picked up a football, he has been asking that we buy him a specific football helmet. Like most sports equipment, it wasn't cheap, but it was something he really wanted. So for his senior year, since it was his last year to play football, we bought it for him. He wore it at every game. At the end of his last football game he had all the varsity players sign it and he then kept this helmet in a special bag to avoid any of the signatures getting scratched off. Jesse coveted this helmet like you would not believe and knowing that makes the impact of this story (in my eyes and my heart) all the greater.

A couple weeks ago I saw that Jesse had the helmet out and I asked him what he was doing with it. He said there is a boy at his school named, Drustin, who is mentally and physically challenged, but he wears the football jersey every Friday with us, he was at all the games cheering us on, so I thought he I would get the players I missed to sign it and give it to him at the sports banquet. There is no way until Jesse has children of his own that he will know what his gesture meant to me as a parent, as a person, and as his mother. For him to give up something that meant so much to him, that he waited so long to get, and give it up to another person for no other reason than it could possibly create a great memory, well it is an indescribable feeling. And to know that I had taken part in the developing of this creature was even more indescribable.

River Road had their sports banquet this past Friday night and after the football awards, Jesse was called up to present the helmet to Drustin and the entire room gave him (Drustin) a standing ovation. As a parent, this moment, this day, this memory...was a win! Jesse's kind and selfless act let Brad and I know in our heart that as parents, we have taught him the goodness and generosity God wants shared in this world. We have raised a son who is noble in spirit and pure of heart. Will there be failures in his future, absolutely...will he stand up from those moments and persevere, count on it...but this day was a win! This day was win for him as a human being, it was a win for us as parents, but most importantly, it was a win for Drustin. He was not only allowed to have a great addition to his life story, but he was shown the world can be kind, the world can be tolerant, the world can be generous, and to someone with special needs, those three things are some of those most important!

I do not tell this story to try and say that somehow Brad and I are better parents than other people, that could not be farther from the truth. We, as a team, also have failures, but do we, as a team, also persevere, absolutely...because we do not believe there is any other choice. Parenting is a job that goes until...until your child gets it, until your child is solely independent, until your child is successful in all areas of life and doesn't need you anymore. Now ask yourself, "when does that day come?"  Well if you are a TRULY invested parent, that day NEVER comes! You are supposed to be a parent forever! I tell this story because also like most parents, I am proud of my children and enjoy sharing their greatness with others. I am beyond proud and privileged to have taken part in their life stories as well as who they are as human beings. I am very confident about the adult I am fixing to send into the world and the two who will follow, sooner than I like I am sure!

 

 

 

Is ALL Really Fair In Love And War?

I am by far not the wisest person nor do I in any way feel I have the answer for everything (though I am more than aware some would disagree with that), but I do feel I have suffered through many things in my 37 years that most people will never experience and/or understand. Of all the things I have seen, I find none of them harder to understand than that of the human soul and its innate need to inflict suffering on others. I will never understand how one can derive pleasure from watching someone they do or did love hurt by their own hand.

When any of us fall in love or begin a new endeavor we do so (or should) with the understanding that it may not work for whatever reason. That is not to say that we should live within the relationship with that fact alone, but it is unfortunately a reality in today's times. The question that comes to my mind is when this does happen, how is it that we are so quick to substitute love for hate. How is it that this person we once shared our dreams, thoughts, and feelings with, we now spread nothing but contempt and ill will for. We simply disregard this person who once made us SO happy, this person who once made us smile SO big, and at one time, even if you now deny it, thought this was be the person God intended for us to find all along. Then as quickly as we fell in love, we fall out, and before you know it we move on to the next "right one", again proclaiming to the world that this new person is the one we have longed for and love so deeply. I just wonder if we are such empty creatures that love has become nothing more than a superfluous word we use so frivolously and apply with the depth of a rain puddle. How can we be as shallow and hollow as to throw this word around with no regard for the scars and tears left behind when it is taken away? I am at a loss for how we can use something that is meant to be felt to the core of very being, a feeling like no other, and so effortlessly give it and take it back. There is something to be said for all the old cliche's like "never regret anything that once made you smile, for at one time it was exactly what you wanted". Is it so terrible to simply except that something didn't work for whatever reason and then leave it as that as opposed to driving in the painful realization like a knife? I have to say it leaves a person longing for the days of "true love" and troubled for what it will mean in the future.

However, I also feel it leaves one further disheartened when you know some of these people had children in the relationship. As much as we would love to assume that everyone who has child gains the maturity and wisdom to deal with the adult world and are therefore able to keep the children out of their trifling mess, but we all know what they say about assumptions! One would also think these situations could not get any more juvenile, oh ye of little faith! Many people go as far as broadcasting their conflicts, issues, and derogatory comments in public forums such as Facebook (keeping in mind these "parents" are often friends with their children who are also able to see what these ass monkeys say about one another). Once we make the choice to bring children into the world, we are obligated to grow up, end of story. You forfeit your right to act like a toddler on the playground the day you decided to become responsible for another person. You may not want to, you may not feel it's fair, but guess what, your child didn't ask to be here! We are bound to provide our children with a better example than we had. 

The relationship carnage is only intensified when a person "serial dates" and decides to drag their children through the meat market with them. If you want to date all of the Houston Rockets, that is your right, but it is not your right to make that entire team a part of a child's memory. All you are doing is contributing to an inconsistent, unpredictable, unstable environment which we SHOULD know is a disastrous combination for a child and will seriously inhibit their ability to develop positive social, emotional, and relationship building skills. And if you feel that I am not right, ask yourself, How would you feel if you saw your child do the exact the same thing? How would you feel to see your child dating everyone they came into contact with? Regardless of the action, regardless of the reason, how would it make you feel? Then take it one step further, ask yourself, How would you feel to hear them say they learned it from you?

Here is my one last piece of advice, when a relationship ends, for whatever reason, each person in it should do a "relationship autopsy". EVERYONE contributes to or contaminates a relationship, regardless of it's nature. However, when we are talking about dating relationships, if you really evaluate your part in the interactions, you might be able to find what you did to help, what you did to hurt, and then...(insert appropriate music)...learn from your mistakes and avoid it in the future! I know, it is a rarity these days, but how about we start a movement! A world full of people admitting their mistakes, righting their wrongs, and learning a lesson!