A Decision No Teenager Should Have To Make...

Today I am going to tell you a story about a tiny little treasure that was born on October 24th weighing in a 1 pound and 14 ounces. For the purposes of the family's privacy, we are going to call her Baby A. Just as most preemies do, Baby A was born with an enormous fight on her hands and in the beginning, it seemed as though she might be able to overcome her tiny size. She was gaining weight and her heart was stabilizing, but after about a week and half, the doctors feared the outlook for this small little one was not looking so well because they discovered she had Trisomy 13.

Trisomy 13 is the result of having three copies of chromosome 13 in each cell in the body instead of the usual two. The extra genetic material disrupts the normal course of development, causing characteristic features like severe intellectual disabilities and physical abnormalities in many parts of the body such as heart defects, brain or spinal cord abnormalities, very small or poorly developed eyes, extra fingers and/or toes, a cleft lip with or without a cleft palate, and weak muscle tone. Due to the presence of several life-threatening medical problems, many infants with Trisomy 13 typically die within their first days or weeks of life. Only 5 to 10% of children with this condition live past their first year. Most cases are not inherited and result from random events during the formation of eggs and sperm in healthy parents. However, an error in cell division called non disjunction results in a reproductive cell with an abnormal number of chromosomes. For example, an egg or sperm cell may gain an extra copy of chromosome 13. If one of these atypical reproductive cells contributes to the genetic makeup of a child, the child will have an extra chromosome 13 in each cell of the body. This is called Translocation Trisomy 13 and it can be inherited.

The doctor's stated Baby A had underdeveloped eyes, she had a cleft pallet, little to no muscle tone, and overall they didn't feel the prognoses was good. They did give it time to see if Baby A would improve as well as give the family time to decide what they felt would be best. However, in the end the doctors made the decision to take her off the ventilator. Everyone thinks that silence is just silence, until you have been in the room at the same time that someone takes their last breath and their heart beats for the last time. It's a silence like no other and it is a silence I have experienced with my own child. I was 22 years old when I had to make the decision to let my daughter go because it was truly what I felt was be the best thing for her. The mother of Baby A was only 19 years old and on November 18th she had to bury her first born.

I have two reasons for sharing this story. The first is for everyone to ask themselves, what is the hardest decision a 19 year old (or any teenager for that matter) should have to make? Where to go out with their friends? What to wear to a party? Which college to go to? What do they want to do over summer break? Should a teenager really be making the decision of whether or not to allow someone to live? The answer in my book is no!  Another issue is that a lot of grown women and the majority of teenage girls don't understand not all babies are born healthy! Things do not always go well. The cold, hard facts are, some are born with illnesses, some are born with defects, and some just don't make it. Then you are faced with the stress of not only raising a child, but raising a child with special needs, not only the cost of raising a child, but the cost of raising a child with special needs, and in some cases, how to pay for a funeral. Tell me, does anyone right now really have $10,000 to $12,000 just laying around? I don't! And that is a general figure of what it costs to cover a child's funeral. Not all stories have a happy endings. I will be the first one to admit that when the doctors kept trying to explain the issues with my daughter, I kept saying in my head, "everything is okay, she is going to be fine, the bad stuff only happens on TV". Well that was until they came in and flat out said, "you have a decision to make!" It doesn't just happen on TV, it doesn't just happen to the other guy!

Discussing the things that can go wrong, brings me to my second reason for this story. The growth of a child is pure chance, pure genetics, and I believe, pure faith. There is really nothing we can do to control any aspect of it because nature is going to do what nature does and you are left praying everything goes the way it should. However, I fail to understand in any way, how people can know there is always a chance something might go wrong all by itself, but yet some mothers make a choice that in addition to that worry, I am going to add additional worry by deliberately doing things I know could cause harm to my baby like drinking or doing drugs? Someone please explain this to me? Everyone was a child at one time and had to go through all the heartaches of growing up...school, bullies, puberty, parents, relationships, dating, peer pressure, and the list goes on and on. Why would you intentionally do something that could possibly create a larger issue for a child and make the growing up process that much more difficult? Personally I feel like saying "who do you think you are to play with another person's life path?" Most parents will say they love their child more than anything and would literally die for them, but I'm sorry, I have to ask myself "how can that be true when you are intentionally doing things that could severely harm your baby?" I don't think you would if you had ever actually seen what a baby born addicted to alcohol looks like, what a baby born addicted to drugs looks like, and/or what kind of physical, mental, emotional, and/or behavioral handicaps those things can cause. I have seen them! It is saddening, angering, and heart breaking all at the same time to see how these kids struggle for no other reason than the selfishness of someone else. Now there are doctors who say drinking wine in small amounts is okay. I don't agree, but even if that is true, they said nothing about taking shots of tequila? I guess I just feel that if you had the time to make a baby, then you could at least give that child a fair shot and abstain from nonsense for 40 weeks because the fact of the matter is that baby didn't ask to come into this world.

I have said many times that what I write is simply my opinion, people can take or leave it, but just as my page states, I feel there are many times I am just saying out loud, what most people are already thinking. However, when it comes to children, yes I do get very defensive because I have spent a huge portion of my life devoted to them and many times have worked with kids who had developmental, physical, emotional, and/or behavioral issues for no other reason than the activities the mother chose to partake in while she was pregnant. I flat out don't understand it and I am not going to pretend I do. If the addiction is that strong, then don't get pregnant because as I stated before, sometimes the issues are so great the baby does not even survive.  I did everything I was supposed to and still had 4 out of 4 born very sick and one didn't make it. I wanted a house full of kids, but it was clear my body was not going to allow me to make a healthy baby. I couldn't watch another one struggle so hard so I decided to stop having them because I didn't think it was fair to continue forcing whatever was wrong in my body on my children.  If you were to think right now what is the worst or hardest decision you ever had to make in your life, I guarantee you it would not compare making the decision on whether or not to let your child live or die and if you haven't had to, thank God and pray your luck continues. You would be hard pressed to find even one person in the world that can say they have never heard the words "having a child is an enormous responsibility", but maybe after reading this, some people might truly understand what those words mean.

Secrets: I tell you mine...if you tell me yours!

So today's blog is more about some social polling questions. Have you ever noticed that people who proclaim the loudest they are honest and/or real with people are actually the people with the most to hide? It is entirely possible it's just me and the people I have encountered through my life, but it sure feels that way. Sort of like the ones who spend the most time saying they are not fake are actually the fakest people you have ever met!

Lord knows if I had a nickel for every time I have been called "white trash", "trailer trash", "single white female", "gold digger", or any other colorful euphemism during my life, I wouldn't have to work, however we all know calling someone a baseless derogatory name doesn't make it true, it just makes the name caller an ass. Regardless of what people may or may not think of me, there has never been one single part of my life I have hid from, lied about or altered for the purposes of glorification. I am who I am and I do not need to do things in my life, real or made up, for the purpose of soliciting compliments and praise from others. My ego is fine. The same cannot be said of many of the people I know who have said many negative things about me and I do have to say, I truly find that fascinating. You would think for people who can so easily judge and make accusations against others, their life must be as clean and clear as Christ himself. Almost like they live in glass houses! Then again, it is also said, people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones! In some cases the acts these people have committed are so cruel, so vial, and sometimes, so illegal, the only thing keeping them from being a felon I believe is their zip code i.e. where they grew up. Society would like to believe that your social status has nothing to do these days with what you can get away with in your adolescents and even adulthood, but we all know that just isn't the case.

Another interesting question: Have you ever wondered what parents everywhere would actually do, think, and/or say if they ever found out the things their kids have actually done or the things their adult children did when they were younger? I know my sisters, my brother, and myself have had many discussions and many laughs over the years about the things we did when we younger, with our dad sitting there, none of which were illegal, at least I think...lol. I think the worst consisted of smoking in the house or drinking before the age of 21, but I do think it would make for an interesting social experiment! I mean just think, as a parent haven't you ever been curious to know what kinds of things your kids do and/or did once they had the ability to have a little more freedom? What secrets they have kept locked up all these years? What kinds of activities they thought mom and dad would never find out about? Tell the truth and shame the devil! To take it even a step further, what if spouses confessed all the things during the raising of the children they had kept from one other? It seems logical when raising kids, there as times that mom will not tell dad something or dad will not tell mom something. Here's the kicker, some are harmless, some not so much! Some of those "they don't really need to know about this moments" could have been severely detrimental to the growing and learning process of a developing mind, not to mention what it can do to the trust and honesty in a marriage. To me, it's one of the more advocating statements as to why parents should communicate everything, especially when it comes to their children, but then again, that is my belief and not something I expect everyone to agree with.

The point is I don't believe honesty, trust, integrity, morals, and ethics were ever intended to be guidelines within relationships that could be used behind a curtain of ambiguity. Honesty means just that, trust means just that, integrity means just that, morals mean just that, and ethics mean just that. If you are going to say you are one of these types of people, then be one of these types of people. Growing up and being human is not a "success only journey". We make mistakes, we screw up, doesn't mean it is intentional or that we are bad people, but we still make choices and when you make those choices you have to own them. You don't get to sit there and cast condemnation on others just because your think your skeletons are locked behind a better, fancier door. People can say what they want about me and my poor, white trash self, but I have nothing to hide because my skeletons and secrets are always welcome to party on the holidays. Can you say the same about yours?

The Parts Of Parenting That Shouldn't Have To Be Said Out Loud!

Anyone who has children is more than aware that those children did not come with an instruction book. Therefore, parenting consist of getting information from books, friends, family, and some of it is even guess work. Even with all of that, I have always thought there were just some unwritten rules that went with being human and being a part of society that people knew about parenting. Rules that didn't have to be said out loud to be known. Common sense so to speak! However, I think we can all agree that for some reason common sense is something people seem to possess in less and less quantity. The truly odd part is I would expect "the lack of" to be found in younger parents just based on sheer inexperience, but when it is seen so often in older parents, it just further cements the trouble we are in as a nation. For we all know you live what you learn and you teach what you are taught.

Now let's be clear, I am not referring to some of the many, many, many struggles parents face just trying to get their kids to graduate high school without having a child and/or an addiction. Let's face it, in today's society, if you accomplish that, it's a great success in your parenting abilities. Working and interacting with parents and kids everyday, I have noticed a couple of continuous themes among some parents that I quite frankly don't understand. One being, parents who have more than one child, for whatever reason, constantly comparing their children or pitting them against one another? The great and wonderful thing about this world is that we are all born different. We have different gifts, different personalities, different ideals, etc. For some reason, I am not even sure God himself would understand, some parents feel the need to say things like "well Johnny can do that, why can't you", "Sue wouldn't complain about that so why are you", "Amy wouldn't be offended by that, so why are you?", "Suzie would have gotten over that already, so why can't you?", "Why you can't you make grades like Jennifer?", "Why can't you get a job like your brother", "Have you seen the house your sister lives in?"...What is wrong with you people? Does someone really have to tell you it doesn't matter if a child is 5 or 35, there is not many more things that are going to be more detrimental to their self worth and self esteem than for a parent to compare siblings for some arbitrary reasons? Does someone really have to say out loud that every child deserves to feel celebrated and special for what they have to offer to their family and to this world? Even if the only talent your child has is blowing snot bubbles, then by golly, your job as their parent is to make them feel like the best snot bubble blower ever put on this planet.

Another thing I don't understand is why as adults we want to downplay children's feelings or pretend like they are not entitled to them at all. Even worse than that, we somehow think we have the divine right to decide when and what feelings they should get over? Yet as adults we sure have no trouble vocalizing when our feelings are hurt, when we are upset, when we are mad, when we are aggravated, frustrated, sad, etc. Should it have to be said out loud that EVERYONE is just as entitled to their feelings and NO ONE has the right to minimize those? Should it have to be said out loud that what affects one of your children may affect another one your children COMPLETELY different and guess what, THAT IS OKAY! Should it have to be said out loud that feelings are not like voting or drinking, you don't have to be a certain age to participate!

I also don't understand is discussing one of your children, with another child(ren) in a negative way such as making rude comments about them, saying derogatory things about them or if they are older, their job, their house, their salary, their children, degrading them, or in general, gossiping about them. It is the parent's job to remain impartial, not take sides, and to certainly not force your children into the position of having to hear their parent is saying ugly things about their sibling? All you are doing is telling your child "it's okay for me to not like them or say ugly things about them, because mom and dad do it too".  Now many people will try to justify doing this when situations such as fights between the siblings happen. Young siblings arguments are as natural as air.  Our job as parents is to intervene with neutral, UNBIASED opinions, and ideas. However, there are times when there is a clear right and a clear wrong, in those cases, in my opinion, a parent should not speak up regardless of what the fight is about. If our job is to teach, guide, and role model, then it should go without saying you always address the obvious right and the obvious wrong and that can be done with clearly picking sides. I also know this will come as a shock, but the only thing that should change when your children become older is that you get LESS involved. As adults, siblings have to be able to address and rectify their battles without running to mommy and daddy. If things get out of hand, yes you can provide guidance and some advice, but your only real job is to let ALL the siblings involved know on a consistent basis you love them equally, you are not taking sides, and you support all their feelings. Unless again there is a situation of clearly right and clearly wrong. Right and wrong are universal and lucky for parents, there is not a lot of room for arguing unless you allow your child to so by making a lot of baseless excuses.

All of these things remind me so much of the nonsense, immature, juvenile behavior we all loathed in high school. Forcing someone to be what you wanted them to be and if they didn't, well they didn't get your attention...Comparing one friend to another friend...Making people feel less than for acting, speaking, achieving, and/or feeling in a way that you deemed not to your standards...Speaking badly and/or gossiping about someone behind their back to someone else all the while being loving and friendly to their face or the more apropos term "being two faced"...disregarding and minimizing any one's feelings other than your own because Lord knows most high school students suffer from the delusion there is a center to the universe and well of course they are it. The truly sad part is, entirely TOO MANY adults never grow out of that delusion. Does it really have to be said out loud that parents are not supposed to act like high school kids? That parents are not supposed to have the maturity level of a 7th grader? That parents are supposed to be role models?

I don't personally watch what I feel is a monument to ineptitude of parenting "Keeping Up With The Kardashians", but I did hear about the segment where Kris admitted in front of her other daughters that Kim was her favorite. I could only imagine how that made the others feel, especially the younger two even though I am sure they played it off as though they suspected it all along. Children are not accessories to our lives and therefore we are not supposed to have favorites! However, even if you don't say it out loud and to their faces like that syphilitic toad did, we all know actions speak louder than words. So if this is something you practice and you think your kids can't pick up on it, well your couldn't be more wrong. I don't think there are too many things sadder than to watch a child constantly fight to get extra attention from a parent or work to meet some arbitrary standard. All it does is force your kids to rival against one another and can even cause them to resent each other when they are older. If that happens, you have to be accountable for that.  

I don't want anyone to misconstrue what I am saying because there are moments we all face as parents when one child may feel that a parent loves another child more than them. As children get older, they get involved in things, they have more activities. You naturally get more involved with one more than another. I think it naturally makes the younger ones feel they are getting less time and less attention. Sometimes as parents we do get caught up in it, even I have. Those are the times we do have to make that extra effort to make those younger ones feel just as special and just as loved. That is completely different that actively parenting in a way that alienates one or more children while glorifying another, making one child feel more special than another, making one child feel as though they can do no wrong while another feels they can do nothing right, holding one or more children accountable while always making excuses for another one, and discussing your children with their siblings in a derogatory and/or negative fashion. By doing these things, you are giving yourself a perfect storm recipe for disaster and as these children grow up, the resentment and anger will possibly grow and when it reaches its highest point, you could possibly have total destruction of a family unit that has been decades in the making and it started with you and your nonsense!

I have a different relationship with each one of my kids because they are different people, but I love them all the SAME! Again, that is not something that should have to be OUT LOUD!