The Parts Of Parenting That Shouldn't Have To Be Said Out Loud!

Anyone who has children is more than aware that those children did not come with an instruction book. Therefore, parenting consist of getting information from books, friends, family, and some of it is even guess work. Even with all of that, I have always thought there were just some unwritten rules that went with being human and being a part of society that people knew about parenting. Rules that didn't have to be said out loud to be known. Common sense so to speak! However, I think we can all agree that for some reason common sense is something people seem to possess in less and less quantity. The truly odd part is I would expect "the lack of" to be found in younger parents just based on sheer inexperience, but when it is seen so often in older parents, it just further cements the trouble we are in as a nation. For we all know you live what you learn and you teach what you are taught.

Now let's be clear, I am not referring to some of the many, many, many struggles parents face just trying to get their kids to graduate high school without having a child and/or an addiction. Let's face it, in today's society, if you accomplish that, it's a great success in your parenting abilities. Working and interacting with parents and kids everyday, I have noticed a couple of continuous themes among some parents that I quite frankly don't understand. One being, parents who have more than one child, for whatever reason, constantly comparing their children or pitting them against one another? The great and wonderful thing about this world is that we are all born different. We have different gifts, different personalities, different ideals, etc. For some reason, I am not even sure God himself would understand, some parents feel the need to say things like "well Johnny can do that, why can't you", "Sue wouldn't complain about that so why are you", "Amy wouldn't be offended by that, so why are you?", "Suzie would have gotten over that already, so why can't you?", "Why you can't you make grades like Jennifer?", "Why can't you get a job like your brother", "Have you seen the house your sister lives in?"...What is wrong with you people? Does someone really have to tell you it doesn't matter if a child is 5 or 35, there is not many more things that are going to be more detrimental to their self worth and self esteem than for a parent to compare siblings for some arbitrary reasons? Does someone really have to say out loud that every child deserves to feel celebrated and special for what they have to offer to their family and to this world? Even if the only talent your child has is blowing snot bubbles, then by golly, your job as their parent is to make them feel like the best snot bubble blower ever put on this planet.

Another thing I don't understand is why as adults we want to downplay children's feelings or pretend like they are not entitled to them at all. Even worse than that, we somehow think we have the divine right to decide when and what feelings they should get over? Yet as adults we sure have no trouble vocalizing when our feelings are hurt, when we are upset, when we are mad, when we are aggravated, frustrated, sad, etc. Should it have to be said out loud that EVERYONE is just as entitled to their feelings and NO ONE has the right to minimize those? Should it have to be said out loud that what affects one of your children may affect another one your children COMPLETELY different and guess what, THAT IS OKAY! Should it have to be said out loud that feelings are not like voting or drinking, you don't have to be a certain age to participate!

I also don't understand is discussing one of your children, with another child(ren) in a negative way such as making rude comments about them, saying derogatory things about them or if they are older, their job, their house, their salary, their children, degrading them, or in general, gossiping about them. It is the parent's job to remain impartial, not take sides, and to certainly not force your children into the position of having to hear their parent is saying ugly things about their sibling? All you are doing is telling your child "it's okay for me to not like them or say ugly things about them, because mom and dad do it too".  Now many people will try to justify doing this when situations such as fights between the siblings happen. Young siblings arguments are as natural as air.  Our job as parents is to intervene with neutral, UNBIASED opinions, and ideas. However, there are times when there is a clear right and a clear wrong, in those cases, in my opinion, a parent should not speak up regardless of what the fight is about. If our job is to teach, guide, and role model, then it should go without saying you always address the obvious right and the obvious wrong and that can be done with clearly picking sides. I also know this will come as a shock, but the only thing that should change when your children become older is that you get LESS involved. As adults, siblings have to be able to address and rectify their battles without running to mommy and daddy. If things get out of hand, yes you can provide guidance and some advice, but your only real job is to let ALL the siblings involved know on a consistent basis you love them equally, you are not taking sides, and you support all their feelings. Unless again there is a situation of clearly right and clearly wrong. Right and wrong are universal and lucky for parents, there is not a lot of room for arguing unless you allow your child to so by making a lot of baseless excuses.

All of these things remind me so much of the nonsense, immature, juvenile behavior we all loathed in high school. Forcing someone to be what you wanted them to be and if they didn't, well they didn't get your attention...Comparing one friend to another friend...Making people feel less than for acting, speaking, achieving, and/or feeling in a way that you deemed not to your standards...Speaking badly and/or gossiping about someone behind their back to someone else all the while being loving and friendly to their face or the more apropos term "being two faced"...disregarding and minimizing any one's feelings other than your own because Lord knows most high school students suffer from the delusion there is a center to the universe and well of course they are it. The truly sad part is, entirely TOO MANY adults never grow out of that delusion. Does it really have to be said out loud that parents are not supposed to act like high school kids? That parents are not supposed to have the maturity level of a 7th grader? That parents are supposed to be role models?

I don't personally watch what I feel is a monument to ineptitude of parenting "Keeping Up With The Kardashians", but I did hear about the segment where Kris admitted in front of her other daughters that Kim was her favorite. I could only imagine how that made the others feel, especially the younger two even though I am sure they played it off as though they suspected it all along. Children are not accessories to our lives and therefore we are not supposed to have favorites! However, even if you don't say it out loud and to their faces like that syphilitic toad did, we all know actions speak louder than words. So if this is something you practice and you think your kids can't pick up on it, well your couldn't be more wrong. I don't think there are too many things sadder than to watch a child constantly fight to get extra attention from a parent or work to meet some arbitrary standard. All it does is force your kids to rival against one another and can even cause them to resent each other when they are older. If that happens, you have to be accountable for that.  

I don't want anyone to misconstrue what I am saying because there are moments we all face as parents when one child may feel that a parent loves another child more than them. As children get older, they get involved in things, they have more activities. You naturally get more involved with one more than another. I think it naturally makes the younger ones feel they are getting less time and less attention. Sometimes as parents we do get caught up in it, even I have. Those are the times we do have to make that extra effort to make those younger ones feel just as special and just as loved. That is completely different that actively parenting in a way that alienates one or more children while glorifying another, making one child feel more special than another, making one child feel as though they can do no wrong while another feels they can do nothing right, holding one or more children accountable while always making excuses for another one, and discussing your children with their siblings in a derogatory and/or negative fashion. By doing these things, you are giving yourself a perfect storm recipe for disaster and as these children grow up, the resentment and anger will possibly grow and when it reaches its highest point, you could possibly have total destruction of a family unit that has been decades in the making and it started with you and your nonsense!

I have a different relationship with each one of my kids because they are different people, but I love them all the SAME! Again, that is not something that should have to be OUT LOUD!