We Are All Someone, We All Matter: Bullying Facts Said Out Loud

Most people in my circle have pretty a good idea of where I stand on the whole issue of bullying! For those who are not aware of how I feel, I can say that after this blog, there will be no doubt or ambiguity on the subject. I am not sure how many of you reading this have seen the move "Bully", but I just saw it in the last few days. Needless to say the anger, frustration, and hurt that was created in me after seeing this movie was so intense I cannot even put it into words. I had to in fact wait a few days to write this blog in an effort to gather my thoughts and have them come from a more contained, focused place.

If you have not had the chance to see this movie, I highly recommend you do. For those of you who have never heard of it nor know what it is about, it's a documentary in which the victims of bullying are followed over the course of a school year demonstrating what they go through daily in school and on the bus with their classmates, how it affects them, as well as how the schools and their parents handle these situations of bullying. It also conducts interviews with some parents whose children have taken their own lives because they could no longer handle their daily pain.

I have never been shy about what I went through in school when I was growing up. I was overweight, I was poor, I lived in a trailer park, and didn't really have the social advantages required to be deemed "worthy" according to typical high school standards so needless to say I was never really looked at as homecoming queen material. Some people were not kind to me and some even beyond cruel. I did not have many close friends, but the very few had (Rebecca, Wyvne, Tami, Amanda, my sisters, my brother) were the only reason I was able to make it through. I was also one of those who did try to take my own life on one occasion and by the grace of God I am still here. As far as school is concerned, I was never hit, I was never attacked, but I was verbally mutilated day after day and any person who has ever been in that situation will tell you the pain you receive from being assaulted with words over and over is by far much worse than being physically attacked. In fact, you wish and pray they would just hit you because physical wounds will heal! Even though I survived it, the wounds from those experiences are deep and forever. I am not proud to admit that when my youngest son was born and I saw he had red hair, one of the first things I feared was not if I was going to be a good parent to him, not if he was going to grow up to be a wonderful man, but if he was going to survive childhood because red heads tend have very freckled faces and a lot of these kids are treated horribly in school. What parent on this planet should even be forced to entertain a thought such as that? But that's the world we have created and it has even gotten worse since I was a kid because now we have cell phones, cameras, Internet...a whole new level of anonymity that was never afforded to my generation. I am not happy to say my fear came true either. He is picked on, he is bullied, and even worse, he is bullied by the children of people I went to school with. How ironic...

My daughter watched this movie with us. At one point she asked me "why do these kids take it and don't fight back?" I am honestly not sure most adults understand why this happens. Children and, some adults, in these positions do this for one of two reasons if not both. One reason is because they are able to have empathy for others and are not capable of exhibiting that level of pain on another person. They have a higher developed understanding of the need to resolve things without pain or violence. Even though they are hurting, they just can't bring themselves to do it to someone else. The other reason is because they have such a low self-esteem they ultimately feel they deserve this treatment. They feel so bad about themselves and don't have people in their lives to consistently raise them up, they believe this is who they are. It boils down to, the bad stuff is easier to believe. This feeling low self-esteem combine with moral integrity is what often forces targets of bullying to redirect their anger onto themselves resulting in depression, self-harm, or suicide.

The opposite side of that, how can someone do this to another person? How can someone bring this level of hurt onto another human being and not feel bad about it? It's simple. It's because they lack empathy for other people. They have not been taught how to appreciate the differences in others, how we have no control over the life we are born into, how we are all human and have feelings, how to simply be kind. It's a social skill all children need to be taught and because some are not, we are in this position. When a child has the understanding that things can be resolved with words and not violence, a bully will utilize this value, which society CLAIMS to cherish, and use it to torment their prey for weeks, months, or years until the anger builds up inside, the target becomes uncontainable, and explodes into violence. Often when a bully is confronted, his/her cowardly and thuggish nature will force them to act aggressively while still plausibly denying everything. The bully is often able to manipulate the perceptions of responsible adults so they also now victimize the target.

What I also find interesting in this movie is how some of the school officials are so dismissive towards these kids. One of the most outrageous moments comes when a little boy is consistently choked, stabbed with pencils, hit, cussed at and the list goes on while riding the school bus. Not only does the bus never see or redirect this behavior, but when his parents become aware of it and go to the superintendent, I kid you not the women says "I have ridden that specific bus and those children are little angels". I almost threw up in my mouth.

So what happens to these kids who do not speak up for themselves when they take it and take it and take it and one day they can't take it anymore? Well we know sometimes they explode externally getting physical, sometimes they bring weapons to school, and sometimes they end their own lives. We also know this of course when they are noticed, when we pay attention, and when we take action and my observation of those moments is this. In almost every situation, you have parents who have knowledge their child is a bully, who have been made aware of how their child is treating others, but when a child has finally had enough and strikes back those same parents will start a campaign against the victim. "That child attacked my poor child", "that child assaulted my poor child", "all my child did was a little teasing, that's no excuse", "I don't care what my child did."  Now don't get me wrong, I am not in ANY WAY advocating for kids to walk into schools with guns, for students to die, or for violence in schools period for that matter. However, (and maybe this is just my perception) why does it seem school violence gets so much attention, but in situations where bullying was a direct precursor to the violence, no one appears to really care about that? Even more so, it appears that when children takes their own lives due to bullying, some as young as EIGHT YEARS OLD, it doesn't receive quite the same national attention or the same community out poor of emotion. Were they not just as special? Was their story not just as important?


Let's try a little experiment. If I say Littleton, Colorado, Columbine High School, and Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold or Springfield, Oregon and Kip Kinkel or Pear, Mississippi and Luke Woodham, or Virginia Tech and Seung-Hui Cho would you know what this is in reference to? Of course you would. These are all locations of school shootings and the people who perpetrated them. Now if I say Ashlynn Conner, Kelly Yeomans, Debbie Shaw, Eden Wormer, or Josh Belluardo would you know who any of these people are?  Ashlynn Conner hung herself in her closet after being bullied.  Eden Wormer was an 8th grader in Vancouver, Washington who hanged herself. Debbie Shaw was 12 yr. old, so tired of being bullied, she agreed to a challenge which was to fight the leader of the gang of girls victimizing her and later died of her injuries. Kelly Yeomans, who was 13, took a fatal overdose of pills. Peter Evans, who was 11, was crushed under the wheels of a lorry trying to escape a bully gang. Becky Smith, 16, was left unconscious after a slapping attack by fellow students who recorded the assault on their mobile phone, and then distributed the video at school. In Canton, Cherokee County, Georgia, the community was split after 15 yr. old Jonathon Miller was found guilty of the MURDER of 13 yr. old Josh Belluardo. The court heard how Miller, who had been bullying Josh for some time, delivered a punch on the back of the head as the two were getting off the bus. The blow ruptured an artery and Josh died within 60 seconds. Subsequent investigation revealed Miller had a history of violent behavior including 34 reported incidences. The failure of the school and education authority to address violent behavior has also come under scrutiny. I'm a little uncertain where the SPLIT comes in? In 2010, 34 kids, all under the age of 19, took their own lives due to bullying. What is happening in our children's world? Seriously? Going to school every day has now become so painful for them that they feel the only way out of it is for them to end their own lives? I'm sorry folks, but to me this is unacceptable.


So what is the answer? Well here is my opinion and of course my opinion only. When it comes to teaching and role modeling for our children social skills, empathy skills, and understanding/appreciating the differences in our fellow man that is a primary PARENTAL duty! This is due to the fact that these skills begin their development very young and cannot go ignored. If a child does not develop early on the ability to relate to others in a positive, appropriate, healthy, non-selfish, non-demanding way, they are going to struggle greatly to do so later and those struggles are going to increase in intensity. (Please understand this does not just include children who outwardly struggle with anger management. This can also include children who display a strong sense of entitlement, extreme selfishness, and/or lack the ability to accept the word "no". Left unaddressed, these children can also struggle greatly with the ability to interact with others as they get older and are just as likely to become bullies) Our children need to be taught that NO ONE has control over the family they are born into, the income bracket their parents have, what hair color they have, how tall they are, the clothes they wear, their mental and emotional capabilities, their facial features, etc. and therefore should in no way be persecuted, ridiculed, or tormented for it. Next, having overall knowledge of what our children can and cannot handle is also a PARENTAL responsibility. Adam Lanza, the shooter in Newtown, was a young man who suffered from Asperger's which is a disorder in the Autism family. Now, children who suffer from this are not known to be violent, however they do struggle tremendously with social interaction. I do not in ANYWAY agree with the tragedy that happened in Newtown nor do I want to make it sound as though I am sitting in judgment of this young man's mother, but I am not sure given his mental status that allowing him constant access to weaponry as well as large amounts of violent video games may have been the best choice. I also do not think things such as video games are solely responsible for the choices and behaviors our children exhibit however, we can afford to be naïve enough to believe they do not play a role in the development of young, impressionable minds, especially in children who are already struggling with mental stability. This is why I say we as parents have a duty to be aware of our children, their needs, and making sure we are doing our parts to nurture those needs which is obviously done through communication and active participation.

Now when it comes to ensuring our children are safe during the school day that is a SCHOOL responsibility. We are more than aware schools are overcrowded, stretched thin, and dealing with a large array of personalities and issues. However, these days it almost feels like when we send our children to school we have to worry more about their safety than their education. Going back to the movie, I was appalled by some of the things I saw happening every day to children and I have no trouble believing those things happen every day in schools all across the U.S.! School officials have a duty and an obligation to take EVERY child seriously and EVERY allegation seriously. To make their students feel safe, heard, and as though they don't have to be afraid. They also have a duty to set an example for the student body meaning don't blow a kid off when they come to you, don't dismiss them or their feelings, don't tell them they probably did something to deserve it, and don't embarrass them or make a spectacle of them in front of other students. One of the students at Virginia Tech recalled an incident in which his English teacher had the students reading aloud in class and when it was Cho’s turn, he just looked down in silence. Finally, after the teacher THREATENED to give him a failing grade for participation, Cho started to read in a strange, deep voice that sounded “like he had something in his mouth,” according to the student. “As soon as he started reading, the whole class started laughing, pointing, and saying, ‘Go back to China." Why did this incident have to happen? Clearly he was not comfortable reading and yet the teacher forced the situation by threatening failure and looked what happened. As educators we must recognize moments when a child cannot learn through the way we teach, then we need to teach them in a way they can learn. When this philosophy is refused and/or unrecognized you are going to end up making children feel singled out, made fun of, and alone. Teachers and administrators would not want or expect any less for their own children so there is no reason we should expect less for ours. Public school is a right that all children have, but being safe is also a right. If you clearly have certain children that have proven they cannot function within system, they are making other children afraid through verbal/physical threats and/or actually assaulting children, and/or they are refusing to demonstrate any type of change or conformity, then REMOVE THEM FROM THE SCHOOL SETTING! This is why we have alternative school settings available.

We have dozens of child deaths each year at the hands of bullies and despite repeated calls for action, the Department for Education and Skills had only paid lip service, declining to keep statistics on the recognized, but preventable death toll. Due to this, in 2001 a book called "Bullycide: Death At Playtime" by Neil Marr and Tim Field, exposed the death toll of child suicide caused by bullying at school. Every year, at least 16 families were experiencing the nightmare of coming home to find the lifeless body of their child. They often then discovered that the bullying which drove their child to suicide had been going on for months and while the school also knew about it, had taken no effective action. The moment the parents started their own investigation they found themselves and their dead child being vilified and blamed. Since its original publications, this book has been re-released due to growing curiosity and need. Now what we need to really ask ourselves is are things getting better for abused kids who view their life on this earth as a sentence far worse than death or have the bullies simply learned to use a more sophisticated, covert means to dispense their evil?

I have written many articles before in regards to bullying, but decided to include the most important parts from those articles into this one. Highlights such as how to know if your child is being bullied, how to know if your child is a bully, and how to address either situation.

IS YOUR CHILD BEING BULLIED?
If your child exhibits one or more of these warning signs, he/she may be the victim of a bully, and it is IMPERATIVE you further talk with your child about what you suspect. Do they/have they:

• Withdraw socially
• Feel isolated, alone, and sad.
• Feel picked on or persecuted.
• Feel rejected and not liked.
• Frequently complain of illness.
• Not want to go to school, avoid some classes, or skip school.
• Bring home damaged possessions or says they were “lost”.
• Cry easily, displays mood swings, and talks about hopelessness.
• Have poor social skills.
• Talk about running away and possibly talks of suicide.
• Threaten violence to self and others.
• Show changes in eating or sleeping patterns.
• Attempted to or taken protection to school i.e. guns, knives, etc

If you suspect your child is being bullied, the following is a list of do's and don’ts

DO:

• Make sure your child knows being bullied is not his or her fault.
• Let your child know he or she does not have to face being bullied alone.
• Discuss ways of responding to bullies.
• Teach your child to be assertive.
• Tell your child not to react, but to walk away and get help if pursued.
• Tell your child to report bullying immediately to a trusted adult.
• Contact the school/teacher.

DON'T

• Ask children to solve a bullying problem between themselves and the bully. The differences in power could cause your child to only suffer further. Bullying problems require adult intervention.
• Advise the bullied child to fight the bully.
• Try to mediate a bullying situation. Bringing together children who are bullied with those who do the bullying to “work out” the problems between them usually only creates a bigger problem. It may also further victimize a child who is being bullied and it sends the wrong message to both parties.
• Blame either the victim or the bully. Instead, gather as much information as possible. Look at your own child’s behavior and style of interaction and consider how you might help him/her to handle these types of situations in the future.

WARNING SIGNS INDICATING A BULLY:

• Seeks to dominate and/or manipulate others.
• Enjoys feeling powerful and in control.
• Is both a poor winner and a poor loser.
• Seems to derive satisfaction from other’s fears, discomfort, or pain.
• Is good at hiding behaviors or doing them where adults can’t notice.
• Is excited by conflicts between others.
• Blames others for his/her problems.
• Displays uncontrolled anger.
• Has a history of discipline problems.
• Displays a pattern of impulsive and chronic hitting, intimidating, and aggressive behaviors.
• Has a history of violent and aggressive behaviors.
• Displays intolerance and prejudice towards others.
• May use drugs, alcohol or be a member of a gang.
• Lacks empathy towards others.

IF YOU THINK YOUR CHILD MIGHT BE A BULLY:

• Be sure your child knows bullying is NOT acceptable behavior.
• Tell your child the penalties for bullying and be sure you enforce them fairly and consistently.
• Help your child learn alternative ways to deal with anger and frustration.
• Teach and reward more appropriate behavior.
• Work out a way for your child to make amends for the bullying.
• Help your child develop an understanding of the impact of their bullying on the target.
• Seek help or counseling if the behavior continues.
• If contacted by the school, STAY CALM, TRY NOT TO BECOME ANGRY AND DEFENSIVE! Make yourself really listen. Remember this is ultimately about the well-being of your child!

PREVENT YOUR CHILD FROM BECOMING A VICTIM:

• Instill self-confidence in your child.
• Help your child establish good social skills.
• Teach your child to speak out for him or herself.
• Teach your child to seek help, if harassed, from you and other caring adults.

PREVENT YOUR CHILD FROM BECOMING A BULLY:

• Present yourself as a model of non-violent behavior.
• Clearly state that violence is not acceptable.
• Assist your child in finding non-violent strategies for anger management and conflict resolution.
• Seek help from mental health/school counselors to help stop bullying and aggressive behavior. 

Obviously there's not one perfect or right answer to this global situation, but I don't think I am alone in saying that even ONE death, regardless of the reason, is too much. Our children are dying! This is not okay and we need to not only help them to live, but help them to want to live. We need to not only help them go to school, but help them want to go to school. Do I think this blog will fix everything or educate everyone, no. Do I think that fact will ever stop me from fighting to change this world and make it better for our children, absolutely not! We are the adults and we have obligation to make sure our children know they can come to us with anything, that they know they are important, and that they know they are heard. If children do not see the adults in their life as a safe place to report when someone is violating them, the battle is half lost. Lastly, I STRONGLY urge parents who have knowledge their child is bullying to not only address it, but to make efforts towards changing it. It's irresponsible to simply say "it's all a part of growing up" or "my child would not do those things". Nobody wants their child to be the bully, but what is worse, ignoring it or living with the knowledge that your child was part of the reason another child took their life?

Also for those interested, I have included a website that helps to track all deaths, regardless of the reason, that are a direct result of bullying. It's pretty intense and I urge people to look at it!
http://www.bullyonline.org/schoolbully/cases.htm

Who Are We To Sit In Judgement?

I have said to many people on many occasions that my education and my training are a gift and a curse. The reason I say this is because they allow me to see deeper into certain events, the people involved, and pull out important pieces that average society is unable to. That very ability is what allows me to understand how certain people could find themselves in certain situations and then in turn, making some very poor choices.

 When evil happens in our world, I always notice how many people start throwing around phrases like "I hope they burn in hell", "Death is too good for them", and “Who could have created such a monster". What a lot people don't realize is often times, we as a society are the ones who created that monster. I used to have a psychology teacher who hated the fact I refused to believe that someone could be born evil because psychology is a science and you have to stay open minded. Couldn't do it! I can't look at a baby, regardless of who its parents are, regardless of the means in which it got here, and believe for one second that its path is already predetermined. Are there certain mental disorders and genetic disorders you have no control over, of course, but the last time I checked the DSM, "Evil" was not listed. When it comes to Nature V. Nurture, I will take Nature every time! My husband and I love to watch "Intervention" because it gives you a rough time line of the person life and we have a game called "find the red flag:" because if you pay close attention to what people say, what happens in their life, and how those around them react to it, you can always find where the train derailed. EVERY INTERACTION COUNTS! You could have only one interaction with a person and still affect their life forever. We all have choices on how we treat our children, our family, our spouses, our loves ones, our friends, etc. Everything we do and say is going to affect someone and sometimes, people get put upon in ways the human mind is not even capable of imagining and it forces them into a dark place where they end up making decisions that most rational people simply can't understand. Now don't get me wrong, I am not in any way excusing anyone's negative behavior. I am not saying it's okay, I am not saying give them a pass, nothing of the sort. Ugly, evil actions are just that and when you choose the behavior, you choose the consequence. What I am saying is that I have the ability to understand how they feel they have arrived at a dead end in life.

I also find the judgment we pass on one another so unnecessary because as much as most believe they are untouchable by tragedy, it doesn't make it true. None of us are above having evil in our lives. I start to wonder what if my child, for whatever reason, strayed? Or found themselves in the wrong place at the wrong time? Or just made that one bad decision? At the end of the day, parents can only do so much and even all the good teachings in the world cannot immunize your child against outside influences and it only takes one momentary lapse to really screw up your path? What if it was a family member? What if it was your child or family member? How would you feel if you saw everyone saying these spiteful, hurtful things about someone you loved? Someone you were close to? I know it seems like such a stretch for us, but it really is possible to not agree with the choices someone makes, to even hate those choices, but still keep our personal opinions to ourselves. I truly believe no matter how immoral a person is, at least one person somewhere loves them. They matter to someone. They are someone's, someone. Why can't we just be unbelievably thankful we are not facing it and call it a day?

One of my favorite stories for demonstrating why we should not judge others or their situations is the Andrea Yates story, who we all know drown her five children. I used to be one of the people who jumped right in with, she should burn in hell. UNTIL, I took a class and the professor had a friend (a forensic psychologist) who worked on the case. He informed us of soooooo many things that we nor the general public really knew anything about. Andrea already had a major strike against her because she had schizophrenia and major depression in her family history and for those who don't know, schizophrenia is one of the few mental disorders which is genetically passed. She had her first major depression episode at the age of 24 and 5 1/2 years later after the birth of her 1st child, she had her first major issues with mental illness because she began hearing voices, having hallucinations, and day dreaming of stabbing someone. Andrea did keep these to herself, but voiced her concerns after the birth of her 2nd child. At this point, Andrea reached out for help by writing a letter to Rachel, the wife of Michael Woronieck, a self-proclaimed prophet and self-ordained, traveling evangelist who was also a college friend of her husbands. A very "Hell fire and brimstone" type of person with a history of legal troubles. Woroniecki and his family lived as vagabonds out of a bus for years and was the type to yell out sermons in the street. He browbeat his followers for their sins and convinced them they were in danger of losing God's love, but both Russell (husband) and Andrea were very impressed with this ministry. Rachel's ever so wise advice for Andrea was to read the section of the Bible describing the role of women in regards to their husbands and children i.e. work at home and subject themselves to their husbands desires.  Letters from the Woroniecki's berated Andrea and stated she possessed an unrighteous standing before God keeping in mind this is a mentally ill women who was also a very religious woman. Andrea thought about murdering her children up to 3 months prior to the incident and in 1999 she tried to commit suicide after her 4th child, Luke and then again a month later. Doctors in fact had already told the couple NOT to have any more children. In March 2001, Andrea's father died sending her into another depressive state. Her best friend, Debbie Holmes was already worried her friend was again suffering from post-partum depression after Mary’s birth in November 2000 and said Andrea often paced around her home like a “scared animal”. Holmes also stated,  “A couple of times I called her husband and I was crying and sobbing: She needs help now. NOW! Not next week!” Yates stated on many occasions she believed Satan controlled her because she was possessed by him. Overall picture: this was a woman who was diagnosed with postpartum depression with psychotic features and schizophrenia, but was not taking antipsychotic medications because she was having to breastfeed. The full time wife and mother of FIVE children under the age of seven (the youngest 3 were under the age of 3) and had miscarried her 6th child just before the tragedy occurred. All of this is happening to a woman with a husband present. A husband who continued to get his mentally ill wife pregnant and knew she would have to breast feed leaving her unable to take psychotropic medication. A husband who stated in court that he probably changed less than 10 diapers TOTAL! A husband who knew his wife was sick, who knew she wanted to die, who knew she had tried to end her life, and continued to leave her alone with their children every day. A husband who stated "she looked perfectly normal the day before the killings and never thought she was dangerous".  A man who was not held accountable in any way for anything that happened to his 5 children. Today he is remarried and has a new family! Now, you can't tell me that having this information doesn't change the facts and the judgment just a little! Do I believe that Andrea Yates need to ever be free, no? Do I believe she ever needs to have children or be around them, no. Do I believe that was she did was disgraceful and tragic, yes. Do I also believe this very well could have been prevented, absolutely! In my opinion, spending her life in a mental health facility is exactly where she belongs.

As with every long winded story I tell, there is a point and here it is: Don't be so quick to condemn. Don't be so quick to hate. And please, please, please, be careful who and what you judge. We don't know everyone's stories or the paths they have walked, so who are we to sit and decide what or how someone should live or what they deserve? I also firmly believe if you have not personally lived and/or experienced certain situations for yourself, then you really get no vote anyway. What kind of a world this would be if we put even half as much time into improving ourselves as we do into worrying about and criticizing others!

 Closing thought...this week in the news a women was stopped by a homeless man asking for change. She reached into her coin purse, pulled out what she had, and gave it to him. It wasn't until that night she remembered she had taken off her wedding ring earlier in the day and put it in her coin purse. The next she went back to the homeless man, hoping for the best, but secretly believing like anyone would, what chance does she stand of ever seeing the ring again. She saw him, asked him if he remembered her and if he happened to get a ring yesterday? The homeless man then pulled the ring from his pocket and told her he kept it because he wanted to return the kindness. What you put out into the world will come back, but it's up to you what goes out!