What Did Happen Monday Morning???

If you are a person who grew up in the 80's, like myself, there is a very good probability you have seen the movie "The Breakfast Club". Much to my delight it was on TV the other night. It has been exactly 20 years since the first time I was able to see this movie and for those of you who have basic math skills let me go ahead and clear it up for you. Yes the movie came out in 1985 and at the time I was 10 years old, but I did not see it until I was 17. I don't really think I would use any other word to describe the monetary aspect of my household growing up accept poor so we did not have cable, we did not have a VCR, and we did not go to the movies. I was 17 years old when we bought our first VCR and therefore, saw the movie on video.

If you are one of the ten people on the planet (like my husband...lol) who has not seen the movie, I will break it down for you. There are five high school students who all have detention on a Saturday for different reasons, they are being monitored by a worn out, jaded, "been there too long" teacher, and you are basically taken on a journey as their lives mesh together in ways they never imagined. Your characters are young Brian. He is a strong student, he works hard academically, and when it came to needing a "target" for personal enjoyment, Brian, like myself, usually found himself on most teenage radars. Claire was the girl who everyone wanted to be, but still secretly hated. She came from money and was selfish, egotistical, narcissistic, materialistic, and completely void of the ability to have awareness of anyone in this world who wasn't her. Andrew was the "top jock" whose father pushed him by telling him sports, winning, and complete manliness were the keys to success. His friends consisted of those who either lived with their lips on his butt or they are those souls he has deemed worthy to bask in his "jock glow".  Bender of course is the guy everyone avoids like the plague because they either don't understand him, are afraid of him, or they fear they will catch his "poverty". Then we have Allison who is just your standard "odd duck" as I like to call them. She doesn't really belong to any group because she doesn't go out of her way to fit in to any group, but at the same time she doesn't go out of her way to alienate or hurt people either. She is just a girl, trying to find her way the best she can with what she has, and the sad part is most people don't want to take the time to understand her to help her.

I think there is a huge difference between "watching" a movie and being actively involved in it. It's pretty well known that my school years were not all that pleasant so when seeing the movie the first time, I was experiencing the same issues and it was very easy to relate to the characters as I am sure hundreds of thousands of other people have in the nearly 30 years the movie has been out. Childhood bullying is a hot button topic for this generation (as it should be), but unfortunately it was not so in the 80's. My school years took place during a different time. A lot of things were viewed as "just a part of growing up". For more than one reason, I think I related to the character of Brian the most. I was a book worm that cared a great deal about my grades because I knew an education was the only thing that was ever going to give me choices. So I worked really hard at my grades and couldn't really handle not getting the best ones possible.   Plus, not being a very socially accepted kid, I did not go out a great deal and school work was something to do.

Having worked with children as long as I have, when I watch this movie I see a group of teenagers who issues are very parallel to so many of the kids I have and am currently working with. They feel they are living in a world in where they have no control, where they are not heard, and where they are not allowed to seek out and be who they feel they truly are. Since perception is reality, what a child sees and hears, creates their reality and becomes the voice of their inner soul. These kids, like a number of teenagers, feel surrounded by adults who thrive on the sayings "do I as I say, not as I do" and "You should respect me for no other reason than I am an adult", neither of which really have any value, carry any merit and are basically terrible teaching tools.  As parents, even though we may have the very best of intentions, are only trying to act in our child's best interest, are only trying to help steer them in the right direction, often we completely forget our children will one day be adults...adults with their thoughts, feelings, opinions, ideas, and identities and it is our job as their parents to give them a solid foundation in which they can build all those things. However, for some reason we unintentionally force our children into a position where they feel they are fighting against a world that doesn't understand or listen to them which in turn causes them to act out. Every behavior has a reason, the key is as adults to find the meaning behind the behavior and stop focusing so much on the act itself. There is just a fine line between parenting and allowing our children to solely navigate their own path and we are constantly trying to find that line and manage it.

Watching the movie this time, I had 20 years of work experience to apply and relate to the characters which in turn caused me to naturally see it in a whole different light. It got me to thinking about the roads we walk as we grow, the personalities we take on, and if you really examine adult interactions and behaviors, it's not hard to see that "bullying" is not just a childhood issue. Regardless of how old we get, the deep seeded emotions, insecurities, and needs we felt as teenagers are secretly still hidden in the dark recesses of our hearts. Some things we do outgrow (some of us)...like not wanting to be involved in drama, avoiding pettiness, and moving away from all around nonsense. However, most human beings never outgrow our need to be loved, to be accepted, to be remembered, to be respected, to be included. There is always a longing deep down inside to be included by others and not be the one left standing on the outside of the circle. Before we even realize it, we can be forced to regress back to that little, lonely child on the playground when someone has hurt our feelings or made us feel bad ourselves. We don't like to be ignored when we reach out to others. With each passing year, we develop so many expectations of the adult world we live in and sadly we find that many people are still functioning from the high school hallways. Pain is pain and while some of us hide it better and/or manage it more effectively than others, the scars it left behind are all deep, all real, and all forever. Even as someone who is a lot closer to 40 than 14, there are even now many situations in my life that force me to be instantly transported back to those school days that often ended in tears...days when I try to reach out a hand to help, only to have it ignored...when I make every effort to fit in, only to be laughed at and judged...or the those moments when I put my heart out front only to be stabbed in the back. We are supposed to strive not to treat others as they treat us, but to treat others as we HOPE to be treated, but that's not always easy to do.

I have not developed the wisdom to understand why we treat each other as we do and I am not sure I will ever have the answer to that. Why some are so disrespectful, why they go out of their way to make others feel like they don't count, why some need to act as though their needs and feelings are so much more valuable than others, why some behave so selfishly, so immorally, so unethically. Why some feel they are justified in abandoning those they are supposed to love. I don't believe we are required to be the best of friends with every person we have contact with or even every family member we share, but I do believe we are required to treat other people with decency and dignity. You don't have to help every soul in your life, but you damn sure don't have to go out of your way to create pain and heartache for them either.

Anyone who enjoys 80's trivia as much as do, might know the number one question asked of director, John Hughs, about "The Breakfast Club" is "What did happen Monday morning?". There was never answer provided because he wanted people to create in their own minds what they thought or felt should happen. EVERY DAY is our own "Monday morning". EVERY DAY is opportunity to start over, to make another effort at getting it right, to try and correct the wrongs of the day before, to create a positive impact on another soul. When you end each day, ask yourself  "what did I do today to make the world a little better?" and if your answer to that question is always "nothing"...well then I feel sorry for you...

"Today...We Win As Parents"

When you have kids (whether they are biological or not) there are so many sleepless nights all dedicated to your mind wandering and pondering over thoughts such as "will my child make good choices", "how will their choices affect other people", "are they going to have a positive impact on the world"? Parenting is about doing the best you can with what you have, never giving up, always trying to do better, and learning from your mistakes. However, even with the best intentions, the best efforts, and the best skills, at the end of the day, our children are still in control of themselves, their own choices, and their own path. The only thing we can do is hope all we have done has gotten through. This means some days will be wins and some days will be losses...

Anyone who is really involved in my life or my son Jesse's life is aware how much we, as a family, love high school football and even more so, how much Jesse loves playing it. Since the first time he picked up a football, he has been asking that we buy him a specific football helmet. Like most sports equipment, it wasn't cheap, but it was something he really wanted. So for his senior year, since it was his last year to play football, we bought it for him. He wore it at every game. At the end of his last football game he had all the varsity players sign it and he then kept this helmet in a special bag to avoid any of the signatures getting scratched off. Jesse coveted this helmet like you would not believe and knowing that makes the impact of this story (in my eyes and my heart) all the greater.

A couple weeks ago I saw that Jesse had the helmet out and I asked him what he was doing with it. He said there is a boy at his school named, Drustin, who is mentally and physically challenged, but he wears the football jersey every Friday with us, he was at all the games cheering us on, so I thought he I would get the players I missed to sign it and give it to him at the sports banquet. There is no way until Jesse has children of his own that he will know what his gesture meant to me as a parent, as a person, and as his mother. For him to give up something that meant so much to him, that he waited so long to get, and give it up to another person for no other reason than it could possibly create a great memory, well it is an indescribable feeling. And to know that I had taken part in the developing of this creature was even more indescribable.

River Road had their sports banquet this past Friday night and after the football awards, Jesse was called up to present the helmet to Drustin and the entire room gave him (Drustin) a standing ovation. As a parent, this moment, this day, this memory...was a win! Jesse's kind and selfless act let Brad and I know in our heart that as parents, we have taught him the goodness and generosity God wants shared in this world. We have raised a son who is noble in spirit and pure of heart. Will there be failures in his future, absolutely...will he stand up from those moments and persevere, count on it...but this day was a win! This day was win for him as a human being, it was a win for us as parents, but most importantly, it was a win for Drustin. He was not only allowed to have a great addition to his life story, but he was shown the world can be kind, the world can be tolerant, the world can be generous, and to someone with special needs, those three things are some of those most important!

I do not tell this story to try and say that somehow Brad and I are better parents than other people, that could not be farther from the truth. We, as a team, also have failures, but do we, as a team, also persevere, absolutely...because we do not believe there is any other choice. Parenting is a job that goes until...until your child gets it, until your child is solely independent, until your child is successful in all areas of life and doesn't need you anymore. Now ask yourself, "when does that day come?"  Well if you are a TRULY invested parent, that day NEVER comes! You are supposed to be a parent forever! I tell this story because also like most parents, I am proud of my children and enjoy sharing their greatness with others. I am beyond proud and privileged to have taken part in their life stories as well as who they are as human beings. I am very confident about the adult I am fixing to send into the world and the two who will follow, sooner than I like I am sure!

 

 

 

Is ALL Really Fair In Love And War?

I am by far not the wisest person nor do I in any way feel I have the answer for everything (though I am more than aware some would disagree with that), but I do feel I have suffered through many things in my 37 years that most people will never experience and/or understand. Of all the things I have seen, I find none of them harder to understand than that of the human soul and its innate need to inflict suffering on others. I will never understand how one can derive pleasure from watching someone they do or did love hurt by their own hand.

When any of us fall in love or begin a new endeavor we do so (or should) with the understanding that it may not work for whatever reason. That is not to say that we should live within the relationship with that fact alone, but it is unfortunately a reality in today's times. The question that comes to my mind is when this does happen, how is it that we are so quick to substitute love for hate. How is it that this person we once shared our dreams, thoughts, and feelings with, we now spread nothing but contempt and ill will for. We simply disregard this person who once made us SO happy, this person who once made us smile SO big, and at one time, even if you now deny it, thought this was be the person God intended for us to find all along. Then as quickly as we fell in love, we fall out, and before you know it we move on to the next "right one", again proclaiming to the world that this new person is the one we have longed for and love so deeply. I just wonder if we are such empty creatures that love has become nothing more than a superfluous word we use so frivolously and apply with the depth of a rain puddle. How can we be as shallow and hollow as to throw this word around with no regard for the scars and tears left behind when it is taken away? I am at a loss for how we can use something that is meant to be felt to the core of very being, a feeling like no other, and so effortlessly give it and take it back. There is something to be said for all the old cliche's like "never regret anything that once made you smile, for at one time it was exactly what you wanted". Is it so terrible to simply except that something didn't work for whatever reason and then leave it as that as opposed to driving in the painful realization like a knife? I have to say it leaves a person longing for the days of "true love" and troubled for what it will mean in the future.

However, I also feel it leaves one further disheartened when you know some of these people had children in the relationship. As much as we would love to assume that everyone who has child gains the maturity and wisdom to deal with the adult world and are therefore able to keep the children out of their trifling mess, but we all know what they say about assumptions! One would also think these situations could not get any more juvenile, oh ye of little faith! Many people go as far as broadcasting their conflicts, issues, and derogatory comments in public forums such as Facebook (keeping in mind these "parents" are often friends with their children who are also able to see what these ass monkeys say about one another). Once we make the choice to bring children into the world, we are obligated to grow up, end of story. You forfeit your right to act like a toddler on the playground the day you decided to become responsible for another person. You may not want to, you may not feel it's fair, but guess what, your child didn't ask to be here! We are bound to provide our children with a better example than we had. 

The relationship carnage is only intensified when a person "serial dates" and decides to drag their children through the meat market with them. If you want to date all of the Houston Rockets, that is your right, but it is not your right to make that entire team a part of a child's memory. All you are doing is contributing to an inconsistent, unpredictable, unstable environment which we SHOULD know is a disastrous combination for a child and will seriously inhibit their ability to develop positive social, emotional, and relationship building skills. And if you feel that I am not right, ask yourself, How would you feel if you saw your child do the exact the same thing? How would you feel to see your child dating everyone they came into contact with? Regardless of the action, regardless of the reason, how would it make you feel? Then take it one step further, ask yourself, How would you feel to hear them say they learned it from you?

Here is my one last piece of advice, when a relationship ends, for whatever reason, each person in it should do a "relationship autopsy". EVERYONE contributes to or contaminates a relationship, regardless of it's nature. However, when we are talking about dating relationships, if you really evaluate your part in the interactions, you might be able to find what you did to help, what you did to hurt, and then...(insert appropriate music)...learn from your mistakes and avoid it in the future! I know, it is a rarity these days, but how about we start a movement! A world full of people admitting their mistakes, righting their wrongs, and learning a lesson!