Teaching Your Children About Good Touch V. Bad Touch

In our society today we are all aware of the enormous numbers of children who are molested and/or mistreated by adults. So as parents we all know how important it is to discuss the topic of “good touch/bad touch” with our younger children. We all know it’s imperative for them to understand what is inappropriate where their bodies are concerned. We all know they need to understand how to communicate to an adult when they feel uncomfortable. The issue we have is HOW do we approach this subject in a way that will not only make them comfortable, but us as well. An effective way in which parents can talk with their children is by “teachable moments”. This is a time at which a person, especially a child, is likely to be particularly disposed to learn something or particularly responsive to being taught or made aware of something.

Often you will find children are naturally curious about their own bodies and this will lead to them touching themselves. This presents a perfect opportunity for parents to begin discussing “good touch/bad touch”. Explain to your child that no one, including mommy, daddy, and other relatives, should be touching them in certain areas unless they are cleaning them or if the doctor needs to look at them. A simple tool you can use is your child’s toys. Using a male or female doll, explain to your child using the doll that no one should ever touch them where a bathing suit would cover them. Most importantly, encourage them to feel completely comfortable and safe coming to you anytime someone has touched them inappropriately or in a way that made them uncomfortable and this includes hurting them physically. There are mixed opinions on whether adults should use proper terminology when teaching children about their private parts or whether it’s okay to use other words the parent and child are comfortable with. My opinion is that you have to do what is best for you. What I will say is that if a parent chooses to use alternative words to make sure there is a CLEAR understanding of the areas those words represent and avoid using them to represent anything else in order to avoid confusion. Also avoid using any ridiculous or childish words because this may give the child the sense that you don't take it seriously and God forbid they are harmed, using insanely immature words could make it difficult for them to communicate when necessary. If you do make the choice to not use proper terminology because your feel your child is still too young, which can very well be the case, make sure when the child is older, you begin to introduce the proper terminology to your child.

We all know there are times when small children will touch one another. As I stated, children are naturally curious, but that curiosity is not and will not be towards their own body alone. This is because there are so many ways in which a child can be exposed to the differences in body types. It’s perfectly normal for them to wonder why they look different. Kids will often play games that include exploration and do not realize they are doing anything wrong. This is why it’s a great opportunity to open communication between you and your child. When situations such as these arise, simply explain to them that it’s not okay for others to touch one another in that way, in those areas, even if they are friends.

There are tons of news stories out there about adults molesting children, in broad daylight, in stores, parks, bathrooms etc. A sad fact of life is that our children often see and/or hear these same stories and in essence it presents another teachable moment. Due to these stories, parents often teach their children to find someone in a uniform if they get separated. This is a good idea, but I ask this question, what if there is no way for your child to identify a safe person? What if you are in a place where identifying a “safe” uniform is not really an option for your child? A good alternative to teach your child is if they ever get separated from you, to start yelling for help, very loudly, wherever they are. Sounds odd right? Well, we always tell our children if they get lost to go to an adult. Well, as I stated the monsters of today blend right in. You don’t know if the adult they ask for help could be a child molester and/or kidnapper. If a child simply starts yelling for help, not only does it draw too much attention for anyone to try and take them, but clearly you are much more likely to find the child yourself. Make sure, however, you are specific with your children. Yelling is not the same thing as yelling "help". Most people may not give too much though to a small child in a store simply yelling, but someone yelling "help" is odd and people will take notice. Another trick for your child should they get separated and/or approached by someone who is not in a uniform (the child needs to understand this could be a policeman's uniform, store employee uniform, etc) start yelling "fire". Again, a child simply yelling, especially in any place full of children, may not cause people to take notice, but anyone yelling fire, is something people will notice. For the adults, we need to remember that it is in our nature to want to help a lost child, however, if you approach one who is alone, you might find yourself in the midst of a child who is going to be drawing attention to you by screaming. To avoid giving others the impression that you are trying to harm the child, simply ask someone you might be with to keep an eye on the child while you go to find a policeman or store employee or if you are alone, you keep an eye on the child while asking someone else to go find someone in a uniform. The reason I say, you keep an eye on the child is because you know your intentions, but you do not know the intentions of someone who is a stranger to you.  

Another thing we are accustomed to doing in our society is forcing our children to say hello to strangers or even family members they don't know and/or forcing them to give hugs and kisses. Then we turn around and put the same expectation on our children to know the difference between what we are forcing them to do that makes them uncomfortable and another adult forcing them to do what makes them uncomfortable. Really?!?!? Children do not have the mental capabilities to process these two situations and consistency is key with children. If a child is not comfortable with an adult, REGARDLESS OF WHO THEY ARE, do not force that adult on your child or vice versa and if this makes the adult upset, well, I guess that is just something they will have to get over!

We simply live in a world where there are too many real life monsters and those monsters don’t have fangs or red eyes like in the movies. One of the worse things that happen to our nation was “stranger danger” because it taught children the only bad people are the ones who hid in the shadows, wear dark, long coats, and were always a stranger to them. It’s unfortunate that there are so many stories our there about children being molested and/or hurt physically.  Another unfortunate fact is that the majority of the time, it is a family member or someone close to the child committing these acts. Therefore our children need to feel they can come to us anytime, with anything, but they also need to feel they will be believed, no matter what! Never dismiss your child's feeling of discomfort or complaints of an adult. Some adults may play around or say things while never intending to make the child feel harmed or scared, but if it has happened, you need to address it. Make your child feel safe and that you are on their side. This may result in some adults feeling insulted or having their ego wounded. As much as we never want to be rude or hurtful to others we care about, our children come first and anyone we truly want in our child's life, will understand that anyway.

We simply cannot protect them from knowing all the ugliness of the world no matter how much we would like to. We also don’t want them to fear the world and those who live in it either, but we can do our best to make sure our children are prepared. Discussing “good touch/bad touch” with your child will never be a onetime event. We need to utilize all the teachable moments we can to ensure our child have enough information to protect themselves.