The Face Of Domestic Violence: Part Two

The majority of this article contains the warning signs of an abusive relationship, the effects it can cause on the victims and the children, partner violence among teens, medical and economic cost, and some statistics associated with this epidemic that I found extremely interesting. There are also some more examples from my experience.  Please believe from the beginning, my intention is in no way to offend any person. The intention is the same as when I share any of my stories…that maybe some of the things revealed in my life, will save/help someone else. I also apologize for the length. It has been a chore trying to decrease it and I have taken a great deal out, but I just felt the rest of the information was necessary.

Being involved in these relationships can be absolutely draining emotionally, psychologically, physically, and even financially, but another big negative is what it does to your relationships with family and friends. Typically, the aggressor in these situations really do not want you have contact with outside sources he does not control obviously because while they have no problem hurting you, they don’t actually want others to know about it. So if he controls the contact you have, there is less chance people will know. In my case he would do things like flirt with my friends and make me feel as though leaving me for them could be a possibility. Naturally I would not want them around. Being told enough times you can’t make it on your own and no one else will ever love you, can leave you with little self-esteem and enormous insecurities.

He would also say things about my family, “paranoia seeds” as I called them and before too long I would hear or see them things from them that my mind would twist. There is no reality, only perception, and sometimes that perception is fragile.  When you do start to pull away from family or friends, some see it as you just not wanting anything to do with them and/or you are avoiding them on purpose, which usually is not the case. Living within this lifestyle carries a great deal of shame. It’s agonizing to let people into a world where you are being subjected to beatings, verbal abuse, threats, control, and overall maltreatment. You fear judgment, pity, avoidance, or worse, being ignored all together. Outsiders don’t really have the ability to wrap their brain around why you would stay and endure such agony, but when you are on the outside of anything, the answers are always very black and white! 

My older sister was the one person who always knew me better than anyone else and there was no ability to keep a secret from her so trying to hide this would have been impossible.  As my marriage progressed our relationship got more and more distant, till eventually, non-existent. None of this was really due to anything she had done. This was just not a world I wanted her to be a part of nor did I want her to know I was a part of it, but I also needed to give myself a reason to close off such an important person in my life. In the beginning I would find little things, blow them up in my mind, and well, if you tell yourself anything enough, you start to believe it. Time does take all though and before I knew it, 10 years with my sister was gone. Now, five of those years occurred after my divorce, but the person I was after my divorce was a shell of the person I was when she knew me. A great deal of healing had to occur within myself for so many reasons. I also admit, part of me was scared. Scared she would hate me, scared she wouldn’t understand, scared she would not love me as the person I am. However, a couple years ago, I just picked up the phone one day and called her and it was amazing, as though the last time we had talked had just been the day before. I will never get those years back or those lost memories, but we plan to take full advantage of the opportunity now to make new ones!

There is a strong misguided belief that the only victims of partner violence are ones who fit a certain criteria i.e. females of a lower economic status, who have low self-esteem. Please believe this is pure myth. Those who are in fact at the most risk for partner violence is…EVERYONE! Every person regardless of social class, religion, culture, race, sex, origin, sexual orientation, or age has the potential to be a victim. Males or females can be perpetrators or targets of abuse and it can happen in either straight or same-sex relationships. With that being said, the percentage of female victim is much higher than males (85% are females), males can still be victims of violence, and statistically women 16 to 24 are at a greater risk than other groups. There are also no specific features that make up abusers. They are not just physically intimidating, “scary looking” souls who lurk in the dark. You actually can never tell by a first glance. Some may have grown up in abusive homes while others could have had healthy, connected family relationships. The entire unpredictable nature of this epidemic is the very reason EVERY person should be educated about it.

Warning Signs And Psychological Effects:

The actual definition of a domestic violence relationship is: A pattern of abusive behavior in an intimate or romantic relationship (married, unmarried, living together, dating, with kids, without kids) where one person chooses to control the relationship through force, intimidation, and/or fear and that abuse can be physical, verbal, emotional, and/or sexual. It can be subtle or extreme and gone untreated and ignored, the abuse WILL ONLY GET WORSE. These relationships are more than an argument every once in a while and since every relationship is different it’s often hard for most to tell when it may have crossed “that line”. There are very specific signs you can look for, but please remember, every sign DOES NOT have to be present to be considered abusive. Does your partner:

• Check your cell phone or email without your permission?
• Are they constantly putting you down or degrading you?
• Do they exhibit extreme jealousy or insecurities about your relationship?
• Do they have an explosive temper?
• Do they try to isolate you from family or friends?
• Are they consistently making false accusations directed at you?
• Do they exhibit frequent and severe mood swings
• Are you being physically hurting you in ANY WAY?
• Are they possessive of you and your time?
• Are you always being told what to do?
• Is there repeated pressure for you to have sex?

The only thing on the above list my ex-husband did not exhibit was in regards to cell phones only because back then, they were not a big deal, but the level of anger he could display was unlike any I had ever seen (I will say it typically involved alcohol).  Another that specifically hits home was being pressured for sex. He believed as his wife, it was my duty, and anytime he wanted it or expected it, it should not be an issue and one Sunday, it was the very issue fired him up. The kids were awake, they wanted to eat, and I didn’t think it was appropriate, but that is not the answer he wanted. I tried to go make breakfast and was wearing one of those thick, college sweatshirts with a hood. He grabbed the hood and jerked it so hard it ripped the material down the front about 10-12 inches. Not only choking me, but it hurt like hell. I was sitting in the floor crying and he brought my children in the room, lined them up, pointed at me, and said “don’t ever grow up to be like that b*tch, a crying, whining, worthless piece of sh*t”.  In my mind, this was the world of every wife, right? That was not the end of the fight and it actually went on most of the day. That particular Sunday was my birthday.

You might also be saying to yourself, “I am not in an abusive relationship because I have not been hit”, however abuse is not always physical. Some people only use emotional abuse, controlling you by destroying your self-esteem, making you feel worthless, etc. This abuse can actually be much harder to pinpoint, but it is no less devastating and has just as many consequences for the victim. The following is a list of characteristics of an emotionally abusive relationship. Does your partner:

• Continuously degrade or belittle you, criticize you, call you names, or shout at you?
• Utilize economic power or money to control you?
• Continuously threaten to leave you?
• Make you afraid with certain looks, gestures, or actions?
• Always smash or break things around the house?
• Control you through minimizing, denying, and blaming you for the problems?
• Make light of the abuse and/or not take your concerns about it seriously?
• Always emotionally degrade you in private, but act very charming in public?
• Humiliate you in private or public?
• Withhold approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment.

I can’t even begin to calculate the amount of money spent on things he broke regularly during a temper tantrum…picture frames, windows, furniture, cordless phones… I remember one of his favorite games when he was mad about something I did was to refuse to talk to me, come near me, or give me any type of affection until he decided I “deserved it”. Anytime I broke the rules by trying to talk to him or anything else, he would say “that’s another day”. Sometimes this went on for so long and I would become so lonely, I would literally end up begging, crying, and pleading with him to make it end. Making me cry was an especially fun thing for him because he always laughed at me when I did, telling me what a f’n crybaby I was, how pathetic I was, how embarrassing it was for him to be married to me. The truly shocking part was how so many refused to believe he was capable of such acts. Even when he tore my rotator cuff and dislocated my shoulder, the response I got from some was “what did you do to make him mad”.  If you have a friend or family member in one of these relationships, it very important to remember the psychological turmoil they go through daily is grueling and people need to avoid adding to it by being overly critical or judgmental about their life and choices.

Women in these relationships are at their most vulnerable when/if they separate from their partner and the second most vulnerable group are those who actually divorce. These two facts are also responsible for discouraging most women from leaving their abusive partner because naturally they are afraid the terror and trauma will only increase. I don’t know if having this knowledge would have persuaded me to not leave, but at the very least I think I could have been more prepared when I did.

It's not a secret that some of these cases end in tragedy for the victim and sometimes for the children involved. Family and friends need to be very aware of this possibility because obviously if it comes to this point, it will be too late to help. The characteristics that can significantly increase the risk of a person being killed by an intimate partner abuser are:

• The abuser having access to a gun and has made previous threats or assaults with a gun.
• Threats of murder.
• Forceful sex.
• Previous attempts to strangle the victim.
• Being extremely jealous.
• Physical violence has increased in severity and/or frequency.
• Drugs or alcohol abuse.
• There is a child in the home who is not biologically related to the offender.
• The offender is stalking the victim.
• The victim was abused during pregnancy.
• The offender is unemployed.

The list of the most common characteristics of offenders who perpetrate domestic violence that could end in murder/suicides:

• There is a prior history of family violence.
• The offender has access to a gun.
• The offender has made threats, especially increased threats with increased specificity.
• Prior history of poor mental health or substance abuse, especially alcohol.
• A prior history of family violence represents the greatest risk factor for domestic violence related murder/suicide.

For those who are legally married, there are a few things I feel are EXTREMELY important should they be considering divorce. My ex-husband and myself owned a home together, shared credit cards, and other debts. I didn’t really know anything about credit because I had never been taught about it so I believed by paying thousands of dollars to separate my life from his, that was all that was necessary. Although the final divorce decree listed what each party was responsible for (in regards to debts accumulated during the marriage), it was still pretty much useless.  I can’t speak for every state, but Texas does not care what is written on a piece of paper in regards to credit or loans. If your name is on something, YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE and divorce means NOTHING as far as debt collectors are concerned. My ex-husband has gotten behind on the mortgage for years and every late/non-payment has affected my credit since the day I left. He was ordered to refinance the home within 60 days of the divorce and I was not even aware he had not done that until we tried to buy our own home. We were told no because our salaries don’t support two mortgages. We have talked to lawyer, we have talked to the mortgage company, and we have even sent a copy of the divorce decree to all three major credit institutions in Texas. I even did all the refinancing work for him so all he had to do was go down, sign some papers, and still he would not do it. That one piece of control he is not willing to give up. Years ago, he stopped paying on two of the credit cards he was responsible for and again, they came after me. Just to help save my credit, we paid off his two debts while still paying our own. Recently, 7 years after our divorce was final, I have been getting calls from other credit card companies wanting the accounts brought current because for whatever reason, the payments are not being made. Now, I know there are people in my life who have wondered why I don’t have a home of my own (or other material things) since I have a Master’s degree and my husband also has a degree. I know this because of comments that have been made to me and about me to others. This is one of the many reasons I say don’t judge what you don’t know because the reason is due to the things I have stated and has NOTHING to do with an inability to manage our money or pay our debts.  As far as other material things, what is deemed “necessary” or “important” is all a matter of opinion and there are a lot of things, I don’t find necessary.

The above information is really applicable to anyone who finds themselves getting divorced period, not just those who are divorcing because of domestic violence. You have to ensure you protect yourself. If you own a home and you will be keeping it, get it refinanced in your name. That way if you ever happen to sell it, your ex cannot try to claim proceeds or even contest the sale. If you are not going to stay in the home, again, get it refinanced so you don’t end up in my situation. The same is true of credit cards. If you are not the primary on the card, you can typically have your name removed by whoever is, however if you are the primary on the card, then unfortunately it will be your debt. If that happens, you need to make sure you and you alone have control of that card so you can control the charges on it as well as when the payments are made.  

Violence Among Teens:

There are many words we would associate with being a teenager, but most of us would never associate words like beatings, control, restraining orders, death.  However, dating violence among teens is also a tragic casualty of life that is happening way more than we think. This age group also holds no discrimination towards who can become a victim or abuser.

At least 40% of students 14 to 17 and 20% of those 13 to 14 stated they know at least one person in their age group who had been hit, slapped, or punched by their dating partner, 62% of teens 11 to 14 said they had friends who had been verbally abused, and 1/3 of those 15 to 19 who are murdered each year in this country are a result of dating violence. There was a national study conducted which showed half of all teenagers wish they had more information about abuse. So clearly, the kids want to be educated, clearly they need to be educated, what are we waiting on?

There was another survey completed involving more than 4,000 high school students and the results were pretty shocking.  About 1 in 5 girls reported physical and/or sexual abuse by a dating partner. It indicated when sexual abuse was present, there was usually physical abuse as well. Girls who reported abuse were also 4 to 6 times more likely than their peers to have been pregnant, whether they gave birth or terminated the pregnancy. There is also a growing trend of the abuser in these teen relationships impregnating their partner on purpose.  Also, girls who are victims are much more likely than their peers to develop a pattern of being involved in relationships containing forms of violence, become sexually active at a young age and possibly with multiple partners, develop a substance abuse problem, develop unhealthy weight control habits, struggle with severe depression, and/or have suicidal thoughts or actions.

Affects On Children:

In households of domestic violence, 38% contain female victims with children less 12 and 21% contain male victims with children less than 12. Over the course of their lives, 57% of youth who witnessed violence between parents or other adult caregivers had also been abused or maltreated in some way as opposed to the 11% of abused children who had not witnessed any violence.

General studies have found a 30-60% overlap between the issues developed in children who were victim of only child abuse and victims of only domestic violence. These parallel issues include:

• Trauma-related anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.
• Persistent issues with engaging in fighting, bullying, lying, cheating, and disobedience.
• Extreme difficulty in relationships with others, romantic or otherwise.
• Poor school performance.
• Attitudes that will lead to violent behavior as well as being more likely to engage in violence in the community.
• Pre-school children may suffer from persistent bed-wetting, nightmares, post-traumatic stress symptoms, allergies, asthma, gastrointestinal problems, headaches, and flu.
• Adolescents are more likely to attempt suicide, abuse drugs or alcohol, run away from home, engage in delinquent behavior or prostitution, and commit sexual assault crimes.

The impact an abuser can have upon a child is tremendous, especially when dealing with an abuser who plays a significant role in the child’s life. Children live what they learn. Male children who are subjected to a home where the father figure is committing acts of violence against a woman are highly likely to grow up believing this treatment of women is acceptable and girls may grow to believe this is how they are supposed to be treated and will therefore allow it. These effects may be minimized or buffered with the presence of a protective adult within the home and/or outside it and also if the child possesses their own positive coping skills.

Healthcare/Medical Costs:

The overall healthcare cost in the U.S. associated with domestic violence and/or partner violence reaches amounts of $5.8 billion each year.  From that amount, almost $4.1 billion goes directly towards medical and mental health care of victims and almost $1.8 billion is used for the indirect costs of lost productivity and/or wages.

Within the group of abuse victims, 40-50% report receiving injuries during an assault by their partner and these injuries account for over 200,000 Emergency Room visits each year. Women are also far more likely than men to be murdered by their intimate partner, to be exact 3 out of 4 victims killed due to domestic violence are women.

Another issue faced by those who have been a victim (including children) of intimate partner violence is the long physical and/or mental effects on their health.  They are more likely to experience things such as frequent headaches, gastrointestinal problems, depression, anxiety, sleep problems, and/or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Economic Effects of Intimate Partner Violence:

We have experienced a huge economic downturn and while this issue is not the cause of domestic violence, it can create a stressful home environment conducive to domestic violence occurring as well as reducing the means in which a victim may be able to leave. In fact, domestic violence is 3X more likely to occur when couples are experiencing high levels of financial strain and women whose male partner experienced 2 or more periods of unemployment during a five year period, were 3X more likely to be subjected to violence as opposed to those whose male partners held a steady job. Domestic Violence also contributes to the loss of approximately 32,000 jobs, each year in the U.S.

Currently in the U.S., about 25% of the homeless females report domestic violence is the cause.  

Based upon statistics from the National Law Center on Homelessness and Poverty cites, at least 50% of women participating in Temporary Assistance to Needy Families (TANF) have experienced domestic violence (at least 25% of them had experienced violence within the past year) and this number is more than double the percentage of the general population.

Domestic Violence Facts and Statistics (occurring in the U.S):

• 6,668 military personal were killed in Afghanistan and Iraq…11,766 women were killed during the same time period due to domestic violence.
• 24 people per minute experience intimate partner violence.
• 18,700 people are killed annually during workplace violence incidents that are a result of current or past intimate partner assaults.
• 270% is how much the likelihood increases a woman will die from partner violence if the abuser has access to a gun.
• 1 in 3 high school girls experience violence in a dating relationship.
• $37 billion is the annual combined cost for emergency care, legal costs, police work, and lost productivity due to domestic violence.
• 1 in 45 men and 1 in 12 women will be stalked in their lifetimes and 90% of the stalkers are known to the victim.
• 1 in every 325 households experiences intimate partner violence.
• On average a victim will be hit 35 times before they make even one police report.

In closing I want to share, what I feel is one of the most important stories in history about women and domestic violence:

On June 10, 1983, Tracy Thurman was attacked by her estranged and abusive husband Charles “Buck” Thurman after her numerous attempts to secure protection from local police in Torrington, Connecticut went  unheeded. Though she called the police for help when Buck initially arrived and although she had a restraining order in place, there was no response for more than 45 minutes. By the time they arrived, Buck had beat Tracy, kicked her repeatedly in the head while wearing work boots, jumped on her spine, and stabbed her 13 times in the chest, face, neck, and shoulders, including a long, deep laceration from her mouth to her ear. Part of this attack took place with police officers on the scene, watching, because they were unsure of what to do. Tracy suffered injuries so great they left her permanently scarred, partially paralyzed losing 80% of her motor skills, and she spent 7 months in the hospital. She was only 22 at the time. The attack that day on Tracy was not the first time she had been attacked and beaten by her husband. There were multiple complaints against Charles, among them, restraining orders that had been dismissed. In 1985, Tracy won a $2.3 million settlement against the city of Torrington, CT as well as two dozen police officers. 

Due to the court case and it’s coverage by the national news, the need for awareness of domestic violence escalated across the country. The "Thurman Law" was passed by the state of Connecticut first, which ordered any accusation of domestic violence resulted in an immediate arrest, REGARDLESS of whether or not the other party wished to press charges. This law was a great step for victims of domestic violence, but there will always be a need for continuous education, tolerance, compassion, and understanding. Friends and family of an abuser also need to realize that people who commit domestic violence do so because they CHOOSE to, not because they can't stop themselves. Putting your hands on another person and/or bringing harm to them through your words, is a CHOICE! Making excuses or blaming the victim is not only going to do more harm to the victim, any children involved, but it just enables the abuser to continue making the same choices and avoid getting help.  Victims also need to work towards understanding there is NOTHING you can do or say to deserve being abused and the abuse is NEVER your fault. Trust me, I know that is easier said than done. Plain and simple, everyone has the right to have safe and healthy relationships and to not live in fear!

I hope you enjoyed the information. For those who may be getting abused by their partner and are looking for help, please visit http://www.thehotline.org/  or you can call (800)799-SAFE!

The Last Year In Your Childhood Chapter...

I have said many, many times that the old saying "your children will be grown before you know it" sounds so very cliché, however it is so very true. On this day, 12 years ago, I was in the hospital, giving birth to my 4th and last child, James. Like his siblings, he also decided to make his appearance sooner than expected and while he was not as sick as the rest when he was born, his labor was by far the worst.

I had starting dilating weeks before, just as I had with Kyndall. On July 4th the pain was intense and I felt so sick. I truly believed I was going to have me an Independence Day baby, but as we have come to learn with James as he has grown, he is not someone who enjoys sharing the spotlight and was not about to share his day with anyone!

I had a doctor's appt the morning of the 5th anyway, so I went in, he hooked me up, saw I was having contractions pretty regularly, and said "so are you ready to go have this baby?" "I said it's July, in Texas, I am almost 35 weeks pregnant, and I am as swollen as a flotation device, what do you think?" So we headed to the hospital about 9:30, at that time I was dilated to a 5. Since I know that after a 7, no epidural, that was first on my list of priorities. I know lots of women are able to soldier through labor and I admire it, but I felt having had Kylee with not so much as an aspirin, I had done my part for woman kind and knew all I needed to know about "natural childbirth"! Now they do tell us all the complications you can experience from the epidural, prior to giving it to you, but I would be willing to bet most women do not hear them, they are just looking for the place to sign. You see, when you are experiencing what feels like your entire body being turned inside out like a sock and someone is standing there holding magic in a syringe that will make all the suffering go away, the human brain has this uncanny ability to tune out "the why not's". However, I probably should have taken notice of that "possible blood pressure issues" statement. The second the epidural was put in, I felt extremely cold, my chest felt like it was collapsing, and monitors were going off like crazy. Needless to say, that was not supposed to happen! It more than just a small blood pressure drop, I was pretty much "bottoming out" as they call it. However, while that crisis was dealt with, the epidural also caused my labor to stop at 7. They waited several hours for anything to happen and then decided they were going to have to give me a Pitocin drip. Lucky me, they also stopped the epidural because it was creating numerous issues. Just what every woman in active labor wants to hear..."We are going to give you something that will make your labor increase quickly, your pain will not build, it will come more like a tidal wave, and while we're at it, we're going to take away your only ability to have any pain relief of any kind!" Well aren't you all fun little lollipops dipped in psychopathic tendencies...I thought on the inside...

So another drug free birth I incurred, but through all the complications, highly derogatory statements, and new four letter word combinations made at the hospital staff...with my inside voice..., James displaying the same stubbornness as his mother, graced us with presence. In a small twist of irony, he was not born on firecracker day, but had a head full of red hair! Being a preemie, he fully expected some issues so when they begin to explain what James was experiencing, I began to cry, and simply said in my most pleasant outside voice, "I have done this before, I know exactly what you are fixing to tell me, but here is what I am going to tell you. I am on my 4th child and have yet to leave the hospital with one. I do not in anyway plan on doing it again so do what you have to, that is fine, but I will not walk out of here without a baby in my hands". Three days later, James became the only one of my four kids to come home when I did.

In the last 12 years, his more than shown that while he might be the baby of this family, he is his very own person, has his very personality, and I can honestly say out of the three I have raised, has the most differences, in a good way. James also has his own struggles to, especially when it comes to his ability to focus on things he does not necessary find enjoying, but he also has a lot of gifts. James loves to make people laugh, to sing and make up his own songs, to make jokes, to be praised, to make others happy. He loves to be loved and to love others. His heart is as pure as any I have ever seen. James may not be particularly fond of his red hair, but I have always told him God filled the world with blonde, brown, and black headed people, but you don't see many red heads. That is because God only chose the special ones to be red headed. I should also point out, the stereotype about red headed people having a temper, I can tell you at the very least does apply to my red head. I don't think he would ever truly hurt anyone.

I have thoroughly enjoyed the last 12 years with him. This will be his last birthday before he becomes a teenager and starts the next chapter in his life story. My prayer for him is to make the most of his childhood and even teenage years. You have to be grown for so many years of our lives and only have a small window to be a child and have the ability to go through life with no real worries, no real responsibilities, no real expectations.

Please know how much we love you, how much you are adored, and how much we pray everyday you are able to get all from life you dream of. You might be my baby and while I know there is nothing baby like about you anymore, you will always be my last born and therefore hold a special place in my heart reserved only for you. I hope you have a very happy birthday and very blessed 12th year, for it is the last year in your childhood chapter!