Since late June, I have been faced with numerous challenges at work, in my personal life, and other issues medically speaking. In regards to the family turmoil, nothing will be gained by discussing or addressing it in anyway. Certain relationships were questionable beforehand and things have been said/done during the last several months that, to put it bluntly, have hurt me greatly and have only further weakened, if not completely destroyed those bonds. However, there are some things in life that we may not want to accept, but have no choice because no amount of words, worry, or praying will ever change the past or even the enviable. The nature of a thing is what it is unless it wants to change.
The medical issues are also something that I will also not be going into detail about. They are multiplying, they are intensifying, and at this time, there is a lot of uncertainty on not only how to control them daily, but what the long term outlook will be. We also know that one or more surgeries is in my future. I apologize for the vagueness, but when you have typically gotten responses of being called a liar, a faker, a hypochondriac, someone who uses illness to her advantage, have received complete disregard and/or lack of concern all together, as well as many other negative reactions, you tend to just keep things to yourself. Those who need to and/or truly wanted to know, have been made aware and that is enough for me. However I do want to focus on one area that deserves it. Bradley has always been someone I have thought was wonderful, but in the last several months, he has convinced me even more (if that was possible) that he must truly be touched by God himself. I don't know what I would do without his help, care, love, concern, patience, and generosity. He is able to display qualities that people typically don't possess and are unable to give to others anymore unless there is a benefit for them, family or otherwise.
The challenges at work have been pretty much even across the board with residents, coworkers, program policies, and my overall job duties. The challenge of having days that basically go from 5:45am till anywhere between 12am and 1am and those hours are consumed with work, school, and family, but definitely mostly work. There has been zero free time for myself or my family in months. Working extremely long days, sometimes till 8 or 9 (if not later) in the evening, did become so difficult and so great, that I had really begun to question not only what I am currently doing as a profession, but whether or not it is something I should continue to do.
I think at one time or another anyone in a professional setting who begins to work a great deal of hours for weeks/months at time, has to ask themselves "am I doing tasks that are actually under my job duties or am doing someone else's job?”…”is what I am doing important or is it something that the world could live without?” I also think if you find yourself answering yes to both of those questions, which I have, you have to then ask yourself if this is something you can live with or is it time to move on?
I have always been a person of faith and I have always been a person that reads her bible, but in the last several months, I have definitely begun to read it more often. With all the challenges I have been facing, my faith has greatly helped me to find some balance and some peace in all the chaos. There has even been days I have begged God to just give me a sign, any sign that I was on the right track…and he delivered!
It is my own personal belief that there are times in life when God will directly interfere with your choices because he has a different plan, feels you are doing everything you can to not listen, and therefore he is going to make sure you hear, you know, like any good parent would! However, this will only happen a few times and it's our job to know when he is speaking to us. I have been finding more and more scriptures that make me feel as though God is talking directly to me, moments on T.V. when I have been seeing things turn up, and I kid you not, witnessing God's direct words in Dove Chocolates and fortune cookies! When that starts to happen, guess what, it is time to listen!
One of the things I found recently that helped tremendously in being able to take a deep breath and start over in regards to work, is actually a prayer that I found a place most would never expect. I was watching TV and it was during an interview with a rapper, DMX to be exact. He began discussing the prayers he puts at the ends of his albums so I looked them up. This one was so powerful and was exactly one of those things that I needed to hear and needed to feel. I will also say that I did tweak it a bit because his language is not always appropriate and also because his life’s work/passion is different than mine, but all in all, I felt the message was the same…..
Lord Jesus it is you, who wakes me up every day
And I am forever grateful for your love...this is why I pray
You provide me with the chance
To reach the hearts of so many,To do what others no longer can
And influence so many children
I can't take all the credit
For the love they get Much of it comes through you Lord
I'm just the one that's giving it
There are so many days
When it all becomes too muchPeople who only take with entitled attitudes
Never any appreciation or slightest gratitude
They are the reason I take time out and pray,
Asking that you be my crutch For Lord I am not perfect by a long shot
And this I confess to you daily
But I do work harder each day,
While hoping you hear my pleas Looking deep into my soul
Realizing that which others refuse to see
I know you will never fail me
Helping to continue achieve my goalsThen what's in my mind and heart,
To others, will begin to show
When the time comes that I get going,
I'm not looking back for NOTHING For I will know where I'm headed,
And have been long tired of the suffering
I stand before you now,
A badly weakened version Still of your reflection
Begging for direction,
For my soul needs resurrection
I try to use my gifts and talents for good,
And not to worship false Gods such as money, material itemsEven though there are times I question your judgment
I always want to choose, act, and speak through you
Because all you ask for in return is gratitude
I will continue spending my life with devotion
And influencing the lives of your children
Using the gifts you have bestowed
Seeking clarity when uncertainty unfolds
I will bear only one regret while going forth in all I feel I must do,
Is that I will only have this one life to offer you, instead of two" ...Amen
The following are scriptures that I found recently that again, made me feel as though God was speaking directly to me and trying to help address the struggles I was facing with specific people in my life. I feel there is great deal of individuals in this world, some I have interacted with directly, some I have just been aware of, that protest their faith in the Lord, that want others to believe they have a faith based system, yet their actions do not support in anyway what the word of God or what he actually represents. Are any of us perfect, absolutely not, but there is a level of expectation when you are a person who professes faith and believe in his word and his teachings. There is an expectation of following, an expectation of loyalty, an expectation of effort, and most of all an expectation of behavior that is not blatantly hypocritical and defiant. ESPECIALLY when you are a person whom he has blessed greatly and abundantly…”for whom much is given much is expected”…that is his word and his law. However, it is very clear that there are people out there who believe there is nothing wrong with saying "oh yes, I believe in God and I have faith” and yet nothing they do in their everyday actions supports that and actually often times, completely contradicts it. True sacrifice is not sacrifice if you do not lose something while at the same time, gain nothing!
"What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister goes without clothes and food daily? If one of you says to them, “Go in peace, keep warm and well fed,” yet does nothing to help with the physical needs of their brother or sister, what good is that? In the same way, faith by itself, when it is not accompanied by ACTION, is dead”…But someone will say, “You have faith, I have deeds.” Show me your faith without deeds and I will show you my faith BY my deeds".
“Therefore you have no excuse, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things
“These are grumblers, malcontents, following their own sinful desires. They are loud-mouthed boasters, showing favoritism to gain advantage. They profess to know God, but they deny him by their works. They are detestable, disobedient, and unfit for any good work”
As I stated, true sacrifice is not done if you do not lose something while gaining nothing. So good deeds or deeds in the name of faith are not so when they are also done for recognition or acknowledgment from others. It is also not sacrifice to write a check or read off your credit card number over the phone and it is not a sacrifice to share a link or a post on Facebook or forward an email. That is helping, it is not sacrafice. However, in regards to helping, I am also curious as to why we are so picky about who we will and will not help? Why only pick the organizations or groups or individuals in which there is already an affiliation? Why are we unable to step outside our comfort zone and bring awareness or assistance to something other than what we know already and/or what we feel will bring us the most acknowledgment?
Anyone who knows me, knows what a fan I am of quotes and during the last several months I have been bombarded (for lack of a better word) with input from outside forces in words of extreme negativity and sometimes blatant cruelty. Words that tore me to my soul because they attempted to call into question who I am as a mother, as a friend, as a wife, as a daughter, as a sister, pretty much as a human being. This has all caused me to do a lot of soul searching, wondering a great deal on things such as where I belong in this world, if I am even wanted and if so, by who, if what I am doing even matters, and if not, why continue doing it. I came upon this quote and for lack of sounding unbelievably cliché, it was one of those moments that felt like the heavens opened, rays of light started coming down, and the angels were singing. Once I read this quote, I felt this almost instant relief in myself, who I am, and what I have been doing more than half of my years on this planet. I cannot even begin to state how much this came at just the right time…
“It is NOT the critic who counts defeats nor is it the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is ACTUALLY in the arena! The man whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs, who comes short again and again. For there is no effort without error and shortcoming, but who does actually strive to do the deeds? Who knows great enthusiasm and great devotion? Who spends himself entirely for a worthy cause? Who at best knows that in the end there may be triumph of high achievement, but also knows at worst he fails yet if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly and that place shall NEVER be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat!!!"
I have also said numerous times in my life and will continue to say, that I am in no way a perfect person and I fail at the very least, at one thing every day, but usually more. However, you know something else? I am in the arena, every day!!! I am in there fighting, for myself, for my family, and for the children and families of hundreds more! My degrees and my education are my own because I fought for tooth and nail for every one of them. The awards of academic achievement I have are my own because I earned them. I stand toe to toe and nose to nose, every day with ugly, with disrespectful, with distasteful, with dishonorable, and sometimes with dangerous. I give a voice to children who do not have one of their own. I advocate aggressively day in and day out for them because I feel they deserve better than what we have given them. I have devoted over 20 years of my life to other people's children and will continue to do until I take my last breath. I work every day not only holding parents accountable for the role they decided to take, but also to empower and educate them because when you know better, you do better. I continue helping, educating, and counseling long after children are off my caseload with the parents and the kids. My job doesn't stop on the day of release and it sure as hell doesn't stop at 5:00p.m. or Friday afternoon. I have earned respect and admiration from others because of the hours upon hours I have spent training, educating myself, researching, and on the front lines. Not to mention when I have something to say, it is actually backed up by education and experience as opposed to being the regurgitated words of someone else. I have a level of intelligence that I have nearly killed myself to earn and I WILL NOT apologize for being bright, articulate, and knowledgeable as well as having the desire to share my life to help others nor will I apologize for truly wanting to change the world.
You know what I am not doing? I have not jumped onto the coat tails of another person pretending their sacrafices are mine as well. I am not basking in the light of someone else’s achievements. I am not married to or genetically related to the glory of another person's victory trying to convince the world that I am entitled to the same recognition and credit by mere default or association. I am not sitting behind a desk or on my couch pointing my finger of judgement at others, telling them how wrong they are and/or not good enough when I have yet to spend a single second of my life initiating a battle of any kind for any weaker person. I am not standing beside those who have actually worked, slaved, and endured with my chest puffed out trying to give others the illusion that I too struggled side by side in the trenches, while knowing all along, I was simply hiding behind the finish line, avoiding the war, never sacraficing anything, waiting for my right moment to jump out, take up with the crowd, and enjoy a place on platform during awards time! To put it bluntly, I am not fraud!
What I have FOUND at the end of my journey is people in my life who love me for me and would continue to do so even if I had nothing to give them. People who believe I am worthy of love and do not stand in judgment of me with every breath I take, every word I say, or every move I make. People who find my intelligent, remarkable, giving, spiritual, and pure. People who are not constantly forcing me to justify myself or my actions because their only goal is to find something ugly in everything I do. The most important part is that those people actually KNOW me and regardless of what their opinion is, they would be entitled to it because they have taken the time to earn it by learning who I am as a human being as opposed to assuming it or hearing it from a 3rd party.
What I have LEARNED at the end of my journey is that I am no longer willing to accept or tolerate those that are not productive to myself, my husband, my children, or my life in general...Those that are not willing to treat me with decency and kindness...Those are not willing to accept that I am my own person who will not ever be nor want to be someone else and I am okay with that. I have learned that there is no reality, only perception and just because people don’t agree with my perception doesn’t make it any less valid, any less important, or that it has any less right to be heard. I have learned that nothing ever heels when you keep it covered it and I am not keeping anything covered up anymore to keep people happy, to keep the peace, or to keep them from being ugly to me!
What I know is that there is only one opinion of myself and my actions that I will any longer concern myself with or try to live up to...
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