Laws To Live By...

I didn't write these, but I found them and thought they were interesting so naturally I wanted to share. Hope others find them interesting/useful as well:

Life Law #1:

You either get it or you don't.

Strategy:

Become one of those who get it.

In life, it’s easy to tell these people apart. Those who "get it" understand how things work and have a strategy to create the results they want. Those who don't are typically stumbling along, looking puzzled, and can be found complaining that they never seem to get a break.

You must do what it takes to accumulate enough knowledge to "get it” and then operate with the information and skills that are necessary to win. Overall, you must be prepared, tune in, find out how the game is played, then play by the rules.

In designing your strategy, which will mean getting the information you need about yourself, people you encounter, or situations, be careful from whom you accept input. Wrong thinking and misinformation can seal your fate before you even begin.

Life Law #2:

You create your own experience.

Strategy:

Acknowledge and accept accountability for your life. Understand your role in creating results.

You cannot dodge responsibility for how and why your life is the way it is. If you have toxic people in your life, you are accountable.  If you don’t like job, you are accountable. If you are not happy, you are accountable. You are creating the situations you are in as well as the emotions that flow from those situations.

Don't play the role of the victim or use past events to build excuses because it guarantees you no progress, no healing, and no victory. You will never fix a problem by blaming someone else. Whether the cards you've been dealt are good or bad, you're in charge of yourself now.

Every choice you make, including the thoughts you think, have consequences. When you choose the behavior or thought, you choose the consequences. If you choose to stay with a destructive partner, then you choose the consequences of pain and suffering. If you choose thoughts contaminated with anger and bitterness, then you will create an experience of alienation and hostility. When you start choosing the right behavior and thoughts (which will take a lot of discipline) you'll get the right consequences.

Life Law #3:

People do what works.

Strategy:

Identify the payoffs that drive your behavior and that of others.

Even with the most destructive behaviors, there is a payoff because if you did not perceive the behavior in question to generate some value to you, you would not do it. However, if you want to stop behaving in a certain way, you've have to stop "paying yourself off" for doing it.

You must find and control the payoffs, because you can't stop a behavior until you recognize what you are gaining from it. Payoffs can be as simple as money gained by going to work to psychological payoffs of acceptance, approval, praise, love, or companionship. It is possible that you are feeding off unhealthy, addictive, and imprisoning payoffs, such as self-punishment or distorted self-importance.

You must also be alert to the possibility that your behaviors are controlled by the fear of rejection and all in all, it’s easier not to change. Try something new or put yourself on the line. Also consider if your need for immediate gratification creates an appetite for a small payoff now rather than a large payoff later.

Life Law #4:

You cannot change what you do not acknowledge.

Strategy:

Get real with yourself about life and everybody in it. Be truthful about what isn't working in your life. Stop making excuses and start making results.

If you're unwilling or unable to identify and consciously acknowledge your negative behaviors, characteristics or life patterns, then you will not change them. (In fact, they will only grow worse and become more entrenched in your life.) You've got to face it to replace it.

Acknowledgment means slapping yourself in the face with the brutal reality, admitting that you are getting payoffs for what you are doing, and giving yourself a no-kidding, bottom-line truthful confrontation. You cannot afford the luxury of lies, denial, or defensiveness.

Where are you now? If you hope to have a winning life strategy, you have to be honest about where your life is right now. Your life is not too bad to fix and it's not too late to fix it, but you have to be honest about what needs fixing. If you lie to yourself about any dimension of your life, an otherwise sound strategy will be compromised.

Life Law #5:

Life rewards action.

Strategy:

Make careful decisions and then pull the trigger. Learn that the world couldn't care less about thoughts without actions.

Talk is cheap. It's what you DO that determines the script of your life. Translate your insights, understandings, and awareness into purposeful, meaningful, constructive actions, anything less has no value. Measure yourself and OTHERS upon results, NOT intentions or words.

Use any pain you have to propel you out of the situation you are in and to get you where you want to be. The same pain that burdens you now could be turned to your advantage. It may be the very motivation you need to change your life.

Decide that you are worth the risk of taking action and that your dreams are not to be sold out. Accept and know that putting yourself at risk may be scary, but it will be worth it. You must leave behind the comfortable and familiar if you are to move onward and upward.

Life Law #6:

There is no reality, only perception. 

Strategy:

Identify the filters through which you view the world. Acknowledge your history without being controlled by it.

You know and experience this world only through the perceptions that you create. You have the ability to choose how you perceive any event in your life and you exercise this power of choice in every circumstance, every day of your life. No matter what the situation, you choose your reaction, assigning meaning and value to an event.  Also, you can’t always control what happens in your life, but you can control how you react to it.

We all view the world through individual filters, which influence the interpretations we give events, how we respond, and how we are responded to. Be aware of the factors that influence the way you see the world, so you can compensate for them and react against them. If you continue to view the world through a filter created by past events, then you are allowing your past to control and dictate both your present and your future.

Filters are made up of fixed beliefs, negative ideas that have become entrenched in your thinking. They are dangerous because if you treat them as fact, you will not seek, receive or process new information, which undermines your plans for change. If you "shake up" your belief system by challenging these views and testing their validity, the freshness of your perspective can be startling.

Life Law #7:

Life is managed, NOT cured.

Strategy:

Learn to take charge of your life and hold on. This is a long ride and you are the driver every single day.

You are a life manager and your objective is to actively manage your life in a way that generates high-quality results. You are your own most important resource for making your life work. Success is a moving target that must be tracked and continually pursued.

Effective life management means you need to require more of yourself in your grooming, self-control, emotional management, interaction with others, work performance, dealing with fear, and in every other category you can think of. You must approach this task with the most intense commitment, direction, and urgency you can muster.

The key to managing your life is to have a strategy. If you have a clear-cut plan as well as the courage, commitment, and energy to execute that strategy, you can flourish. If you don't have a plan, you'll be a stepping stone for those who do. You can also help yourself as a life manager if you manage your expectations. If you don't require much of yourself, your life will be of poor quality. If you have unrealistic standards, then you are adding to your difficulties.

Life Law #8:

We teach people how to treat us.

Strategy:

 Own, rather than complain about, how people treat you. Learn to renegotiate your relationships to have what you want.

You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.

If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling, and then get their way, you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior.

Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.

Life Law #9:

There is power in forgiveness.

Strategy:

Open your eyes to what anger and resentment are doing to you. Take your power back from those who have hurt you.

Hate, anger, and resentment are destructive and they eat away at the heart and soul of the person who carries them. They are absolutely incompatible with your own peace, joy and relaxation. Ugly emotions change who you are and contaminate every relationship you have. They can also take a physical toll on your body, including sleep disturbance, headaches, back spasms, and even heart attacks.

Forgiveness sets you free from the bonds of hatred, anger, and resentment. The only way to rise above the negatives of a relationship in which you were hurt is to take the moral high ground and forgive the person who hurt you. Believe it or not, forgiveness is not about another person who has transgressed against you…it is about you. Forgiveness is about doing whatever it takes to preserve the power to create your own emotional state. It is a gift to yourself and it frees you. You don't have to have the other person's cooperation and they do not have to be sorry or even admit the error of their ways. Do it for yourself.

Life Law #10:

You have to name it before you can claim it.

Strategy:

Get clear about what you want and take your turn.

Not knowing what you want from your major life goals to your day-to-day desires is NOT OK. The most you'll ever get is what you ask for. If you don't even know what it is that you want, then you can't even ask for it and even worse you won't ever know when and if you get there!

By being specific in defining your goal, the choices you make along the way will be more goal-directed. You will recognize which behaviors and choices support your goals and which do not. You will know when you are heading toward your goal and when you are off track.

Be bold enough to reach for what will truly fill you up, without being unrealistic. Once you have the strength and resolve enough to believe that you deserve what it is that you want, then and only then, will you be bold enough to step up and claim it. Remember…if you don't or won’t, someone else will be happy to!

Marijuana: Myth V. Fact

Marijuana is the most widely used illicit drug in the United States. The use of marijuana has adverse health, safety, social, academic, economic, and behavioral consequences, yet to most of society’s astonishment, many people view the drug as "harmless." The widespread perception of marijuana as a benign natural herb seriously detracts from the most basic message our society needs to deliver, understand, and accept: IT IS NOT OK FOR ANYONE, ESPECIALLY YOUNG PEOPLE, TO USE THIS OR ANY OTHER ILLICIT DRUG.

Marijuana became popular among the younger population in the 1960’s, but most of the marijuana available today is considerably more potent than the "weed" of the Woodstock era. The average THC (delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol) levels rose from less than 1% in the mid 70’s to more than 6% in 2002. Sinsemilla potency increased in the past two decades from 6% to more than 13%, with some samples containing THC levels of up to 33%. Users tend to be younger than those of past generations. Since the late 60’s, the average age of the consistent marijuana users has dropped from around 19 to 17. People are also lighting up at an earlier age.  Fewer than 1/2 of those using marijuana for the first time in the late 1960’s were under 18. However, by 2001, the proportion of those under 18 first time users had increased to about 67%.

It must also be acknowledged that today’s young people are living in a world that is vastly different from the world of their parents and grandparents. Kids these days are bombarded on a constant basis with drug messages in print, on screen, and on CD. They also have easy access to the Internet, which has endless sites promoting the wonders of marijuana, offering kits for beating drug tests, and, in some cases, advertising pot for sale. Many people who worry about the dangers of heroin or cocaine are far less concerned about marijuana. They also tend to consider experimentation with pot an adolescent rite of passage. These ignorant, uninformed attitudes are some of what has given rise to a number of myths in our culture. Movies, magazines, and other media commonly glamorize marijuana and demonstrate gratuitous use of it, completely trivializing the risks and ignoring any negative consequences. At the same time, special interest groups proclaim that smoked marijuana is not only harmless, it’s actually good medicine.

The point of this article is to look at some of the grossly popular misconceptions/myths about marijuana and explain why they are wrong. I also plan to describe the dangers of marijuana and why it is important for society to send a clear, consistent, and credible message to our young people about the seriousness of the threat.

MYTH: MARIJUANA IS NOT HARMFUL

Marijuana harms in many ways and kids are the MOST vulnerable to its damaging effects. Use of the drug can lead to significant health, safety, social, and learning or behavioral problems and the issues only intensify the younger the user.  Short term effects of marijuana use include memory loss, distorted perception, trouble with thinking/problem solving, and anxiety. Students who use marijuana may find it hard to learn which naturally jeopardizes their ability to achieve their full potential.  Marijuana can cause problems with concentration and thinking patterns. College students who used marijuana regularly have shown to have impaired skills related to attention, memory, and learning 24 hours after they last used the drug. A study conducted at the University of Iowa, found that people who used marijuana frequently (7 or more times weekly for an extended period) showed deficits in mathematical skills and verbal expression as well as selective impairments in memory. Regular marijuana use has also shown to affect the user long term causing poor academic performance, poor job performance with increased absences from work/school, cognitive deficits, and lung damage. Marijuana use is also associated with a number of risky sexual behaviors, including having multiple sex partners, initiating sex at an early age, and failing to consistently consider or use any type of birth control

Particularly for young people, marijuana use can lead to increased anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and other mental health problems. One study linked social withdrawal, anxiety, depression, attention problems, and thoughts of suicide in adolescents with marijuana use. Other research shows that kids age 12 to 17 who smoke marijuana weekly are three times more likely than nonusers to have thoughts about committing suicide. According to the American Society of Addiction Medicine, addiction and psychiatric disorders often occur together. One of the most recent surveys produced by the National Survey on Drug Use and Health reported that adults who use illicit drugs were more than twice as likely as non-users to suffer from a serious mental illness.

Marijuana also demonstrates harm when it contributes to auto crashes or other incidents that injure or kill, another problem that is especially prevalent among young people. In a study produced by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, even a moderate dose of marijuana was shown to impair driving performance. The study measured reaction time and how often drivers checked the rearview mirror, side streets, and the relative speed of other vehicles. Another study looked at data concerning shock/trauma patients who had been involved in traffic crashes. The researchers found 15% of the trauma patients injured while driving a car or motorcycle had been smoking marijuana and another 17% had both THC and alcohol in their blood. Statistics such as these are particularly troubling in light of recent survey results indicating that almost 36 MILLION people, age 12 or older, drove under the influence of alcohol, marijuana, and/or another illicit drug in the past year.

MYTH: MARIJUANA IS NOT ADDICTIVE

To say it was ONCE believed that consistent marijuana use could lead to addiction would be false because that same mentality is still very much prevalent today. However, all research shows the exact opposite to be true.  Marijuana use is often associated with behavior that meets the criteria for substance dependence established by the American Psychiatric Association in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSMIV). The DSM states the criteria for substance dependence includes tolerance, withdrawal symptoms, using a drug even in the presence of adverse effects, and giving up social, occupational, or recreational activities because of substance use. A survey conducted in 2002 by the National Survey on Drug Use and Health stated 4.3 MILLION Americans were classified with dependence on or abuse of marijuana. That figure represents 1.8% of the total U.S. population and 60% of those classified who abuse or are dependent on illicit drugs.

As with any addiction, the physical need for marijuana brings a powerful pull on the user and this need, coupled with withdrawal symptoms, is naturally the disadvantage to ceasing consistent use. Those trying to quit may experience irritability, anxiety, and difficulty sleeping. Research also indicates the earlier kids start using, the more likely they are to become dependent on this and/or other illicit drugs later in life.  It is also a fact that the number of teens entering treatment each year with their primary issue being consistent marijuana use is higher than all other illicit drugs combined. Of those admitted for treatment (all ages), 56% stated they had first use the drug by age 14 and 26% had begun by age 12.

MYTH: MARIJUANA IS NOT AS HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH AS TOBACCO

Although some people think that marijuana is a benign natural herb, it actually contains many of the same cancer causing chemicals found in tobacco. Puff for puff, the amount of tar inhaled and the level of carbon monoxide absorbed, regardless of THC content, are 3 to 5 times greater than among tobacco smokers. Consequently, regular marijuana users often have the same breathing problems as tobacco users, such as chronic coughing/wheezing, more frequent acute chest illnesses, and a tendency toward obstructed airways.  Even at very young ages, marijuana smoking can cause potentially serious/chronic respiratory system damage. There have also been findings that show the daily smoking of even  small amounts of marijuana (3 or 4 joints) have comparable, if not greater effect on the respiratory system than the smoking of a pack of cigarettes and regular use, even for less than six years, causes a marked deterioration in lung function.

MYTH: MARIJUANA CALMS PEOPLE DOWN

Kids who use marijuana weekly are almost 4 times more likely to report they engage in violent behavior. Another study showed, incidences of physically attacking people, stealing, and/or destroying property increased in proportion to the number of days marijuana was smoked in the past. Users were also twice as likely to disobey at school and destroy their own things. Researchers examined the relationship between 10 illicit drugs and 8 criminal offenses and found a greater frequency of marijuana use associated with a greater likelihood to commit weapons offenses. With the exception of alcohol, none of the other drugs showed such a connection. This same study that was published in the Journal of Addictive Diseases, also found a correlation between marijuana use and the commission of attempted homicide and reckless endangerment offenses.

MYTH: MARIJUANA CAN TREAT CANCER AND OTHER DISEASES

Marijuana providing relief for people with certain medical conditions is a subject of intense national debate.  Under the Comprehensive Drug Abuse Prevention and Control Act of 1970, marijuana was established as a Schedule I controlled substance which in layman’s terms means, it’s a dangerous drug that has no recognized medical value. THC can be useful for treating some medical problems which is why Synthetic THC is the main ingredient in Marinol, an FDA approved medication used to control nausea in cancer chemotherapy patients and to stimulate appetite in people with AIDS. Marinol, a legal and safe version of medical marijuana, has been available by prescription since 1985. However, marijuana as a smoked product has NEVER proven to be medically beneficial and, in fact, is much more likely to harm one’s health. Marijuana smoke is a crude THC delivery system that also sends many other harmful substances into the body. The best available evidence points to the conclusion that the adverse effects of marijuana smoke on the respiratory system would almost certainly offset any possible benefit.

Many organizations are pushing to make marijuana available for medicinal purposes, but this campaign is really nothing more than veiled efforts to legalize the drug. However, medicines in this country are not approved by popular vote anyway. Before any drug is given approval consideration for public consumption, let alone actually released, it must undergo extensive, intense clinical trials to demonstrate both safety and efficacy.

MYTH: BUYING MARIJUANA DOESN’T HURT ANYONE

Despite having a reputation of the “peace and love” herb and despite claims that smoking pot is a “victimless” crime, there is much evidence to show marijuana and violence go hand in hand. Marijuana trafficking is a huge, violent business, whether the plants are grown on foreign soil or in the basements, backyards, and farms of the United States. The trade in domestically grown marijuana often turns violent when dealers conflict or when growers feel crops are threatened, but drug criminals are not the only ones who are threatened by the violence of this trade.  A great deal of the marijuana produced in America is done so on public lands, including our national forests and park, areas that have been specifically set aside to preserve wildlife habitats, provide playgrounds for our children, and serve as natural refuges for recreation. Traffickers use these lands because they are free and accessible, crop ownership is hard to document, and because growers are immune to asset forfeiture laws. Officials report many growers looking to protect their crops will surround their plots with booby traps, such as fishhooks dangling at eye level, bear traps, punji sticks, and rat traps rigged with shotgun shells.

The majority of this drug that is grown on public land is done so in the national forests of California, where more than 540,000 plants were seized or eradicated in 2003 alone. This figure does not include the 309,000 plants taken from land in other states or the hundreds of thousands of plants removed from land managed by other government agencies. The description of those controlling any of California’s illegal marijuana fields is “peace loving flower children carrying high powered assault weapons”. During the growing season, Mexican cartels smuggle hundreds of undocumented nationals into the U.S. to work the fields. They also bring with them pesticides, equipment, and guns. Hunters, campers, and others have been threatened at gunpoint or fired upon after stumbling into these illegal gardens.

Another misconception is marijuana smoked in the U.S. is grown in the U.S.  In reality, smuggled marijuana, whether from Mexico, other Latin America areas, or Canada, accounts for most of the pot available in America. Drug traffickers also often use violence to get their product to our market and have been doing so since the 70’s.

Let us not forget what marijuana use by pregnant women does to their unborn children, it hurts teen users who betray the trust of their parents, and it hurts the parents who are confused and dismayed by their kids’ use. It hurts communities when users commit crimes or cause crashes on roadways.  Marijuana also creates harm by causing lost productivity in business, limiting educational attainment, and by contributing to illnesses and injuries that put additional strain on the health care system. Completely harmless???

MYTH: GOOD PARENTS CAN KEEP THEIR CHILDREN FROM BEING EXPOSED TO MARIJUANA

It’s an unfortunate fact that if kids want marijuana, they will find it. About 55% of youths, ages 12 to 17, reported that marijuana would be easy to obtain, whether it was from a friend, at school, and someone selling drugs on the street.  Kids are also exposed to a relentless barrage of marijuana messages in music, movies, magazines, and the Internet.  Certain aspects of our culture also glamorize marijuana use while trivializing, failing, or refusing to show the serious harm it can cause.  In 2001, a survey found 42% of all high school students nationwide had used marijuana at some time in their lives. A report based on that survey revealed that from 1990 to 2001, the number of 9th graders reporting current marijuana use had more than doubled from 9.5% to 19.4%. Marijuana use is in some ways like a contagious disease, spreading from “infected” individuals to the others around them. Kids with friends who use marijuana are themselves more than 30 times as likely to marijuana. An extremely interesting fact for a number of the kids I have worked with is kids who know their parents consistently used or are using the drug are NINE TIMES more likely to also use!

We must accept that it’s out there and unless you are home schooling your child, living in a house with no technology, never allowing them to leave the home, and never allowing them to have people in (which is borderline child abuse), your child is going to be aware of/exposed to drugs. It’s your connection with them and their education that is going help avoid a drug habit/experimentation. Obviously that is not a guarantee. I am aware children have their own minds eventually doing what they are going to do. They are like people that way. I can tell you, you stand a far better chance than doing nothing!

MYTH: PARENTS CANNOT DO ANYTHING TO STOP THEIR KIDS FROM EXPERIMENTING

It should not have to be said that parents hold the most powerful influence over their children when it comes to drugs, but unfortunately it does. When we get involved, stay involved, know what our kids are doing, set limits, and give clear rules and consequences, we increase the chances our kids will stay drug free. Research has shown appropriate parental monitoring can reduce future drug use even among adolescents who may be prone to use, such as rebellious children, those who cannot control their emotions, and ones who experience internal distress.  In a survey conducted in 2000, 27% of young people who believed that their parents did not strongly disapprove of marijuana use reported illicit drug use within the past month. For kids who thought their parents did disapprove, the rate of use was only 4%.  Another interesting fact is that kids who learn about the risks of drugs from their parents or caregivers are less likely to use drugs than kids who do not.

Experts do suggest that it is best for parents to try and be home when their kids come home from school because evidence indicates the riskiest time for kids to involve themselves with drugs is 3-6p.m. Those parents who can’t be home at that time should consider enrollment in after school programs, sports, or other activities, or arrange for a trusted adult to oversee them. It’s also important for families to participate in family oriented activities such as eating meals together, talk and connect on a regular basis, and establish regular routines of doing something special (like taking a walk) that allow parents to talk to their kids. Open channels of communication between parents and children gives young people greater confidence and helps them make healthy choices.

CONCLUSION

The clutter of messages about marijuana in our current atmosphere is creating great confusion and worse is sending our children mixed signals about drugs in general.  What should be clear is that no responsible person thinks young people should use marijuana!  

Parents need to educate themselves on the dangers so they can in turn educate their children. They need to monitor their activities and staying actively involved in their lives. Schools and communities can provide activities that keep kids interested and involved in healthy, drug free programs.

 

 

Rules For Life

1. Don't take life too seriously for no one gets out alive!
2. There are NO "do-overs".
3. If you want to be your child's memories tomorrow, you must be in their present.
4. Life isn't fair, but it can still good.
5. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
6. Life is too short to waste time hating or hurting anyone.
7. Your job won't care for you when you're sick, (in most cases) it's your friends and parents, so if possible, stay in touch.
8. Pay off your credit cards every month.
9. You don't have to win every argument, agree to disagree.
10. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
11. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
12. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
13. Your past is just that, the past. It can't be changed. Make peace with it.
14. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
15. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
16. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
17. Children don't ever stop needing their parents, even if they say they don't. The opposite is also true. Parenting is a lifetime commitment so if you are not in it for the long haul don't even pull out of the driveway.
18. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
19. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful, that includes people.
20. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
21. It's never too late to have a happy childhood, but the second one is up to YOU and no one else.
22. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
23. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
24. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
25. Be eccentric now...Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
26. No one is in charge of your happiness but YOU.
27. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".
28. No one is truly a mind reader. You can't hold others accountable for what you don't tell them. If you are feeling something and don't say it, that's your problem, not theirs. 
29. Forgive when possible.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
32. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
33. If someone tells you, you have hurt them, you have a choice to either change it or ignore it. If you ignore it, don't surprised when they ignore you.
34. Believe in miracles, once in a while, be a miracle yourself!
35. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
36. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
37. We have to take the good with the bad, meaning we can take credit for the good we do in the lives of   others, but we also have to be accountable for the hurt we cause.
38. All relationships are a two way street. You cannot take more than you give.
39. Get outside every day. 
40. If we all through our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.  
44. Burn the candles, use nice sheets, wear fancy lingerie, don't save it for a special occasion.
45. Life is about choices. You and only you are responsible for yours.
46. Sometimes we have to go out of our comfort zone if it means making those we love feel better.
47. Growing old beats the alternative…dying young.
48. Your children get only one childhood.
49. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
50. While our parents are responsible for our childhood and the wounds contained within, there is an expiration date for parental blame and it's about the time we start steering our own course in life. At that point we can no longer hold our parents accountable for the choices we make. We can only hold our parents accountable for choices they are currently making that have a direct impact on our lives. 

 

You learn what you live, you live what you learn, you teach what you are taught so if we want better, we must do better. Children make mistakes, mistakes build character, character encourages knowledge, knowledge guarantees success! We need to be actively involved in our own lives, in the lives of children, and in the lives of those we love. That doesn't always mean negative things won't come and issues won't arise, but passive involvement is a sure guarantee for disconnect.

 

 

The Untold Truth About Social Work

After spending over half my life working with children/families and half of that working as a case manager, it astounds me everyday to see the limitless criticism, stress, humiliation, and judgment that is dumped on social workers not to mention the endless ways in which they are taken advantage of, taken for granted, and under appreciated for the work they do. It absolutely would not be an understatement to say as far as social work goes, we are "rock bottom" when it comes to desired professions based upon pay and perks. We are viewed as low status and low class. Plumbers have the potential to make far more money than us and they are dealing with literal sh*t all day not figurative. So you sort of have to ask yourself, if it's so stressful, so demeaning, and so underpaid, why would anyone intentionally pay money to earn a degree that would allow them to work in this field. I wonder? There is this thing called "inner desire to create change." That is not to say that as with ANY PROFESSION, improvements can be made. The problem we face day in and day out is that insane level of societal contempt and blame that is routinely projected at us because we are used as the receptacle for all the pain and guilt society feels when children are not kept safe and/or are not succeeding as opposed to putting the blame where the blame goes. Let's put it this way, if social work were a child, it would have already been removed from the "professional world" for it's own safety.

Probably the biggest injustice we face is the systematic refusal of the general public to acknowledge in anyway all the good that social workers do day after day in often bewilderingly, dangerous, extremely complex cases. The public possesses a massive ignorance that social workers sit in an office all day doing nothing but paperwork or my personal favorite, playing computer games. Have you ever watched hoarders? Do you know how many social workers routinely walk into situations like that every day to check on the welfare of children or the elderly because they have cases living in those conditions? It's not just on TV folks and guess what, they don't get hazmat suits and respirators! Now lets talk about the violence they are subjected to and I don't just mean getting their feelings hurt by a little profanity and verbal aggression from a pissed off parent. In 2010, a 26 year old social worker was stabbed multiple times in her face, neck, abdomen, and back of the head during a home visit. She remained in critical condition until undergoing necessary surgery to save her life. She lived, but is now permanently scarred and disabled for life. In 2009 a social worker was beat to death with a hammer by a father when she came to remove a child that was being sexually abused in the home. In 2004, a father attacked a social worker with a knife and a CHAINSAW! In the past few years alone in the U.S. we have witnessed the fatal stabbings of several clinical social workers, a social worker who was beat to death, one who was sexually assaulted and murdered, and one who was shot in a mental health facility. These are only a few of the murders  and this list does not include the NUMEROUS assaults and threats of violence social workers are faced with everyday. Violence against social workers has become an inherent risk of the profession and undeniably one that needs to be addressed on a national scope. Social workers are frequently sent ALONE and UNARMED to dangerous situations in neighborhoods that even police officers are not required to enter without a partner and a gun. We expect our social workers to perform life changing interventions daily, but what measures are being taken to ensure their safety? A national study was conducted of 10,000 licensed social workers in which 44% revealed they had been confronted with personal safety issues on the job.

Another misconception is that social work only requires academic abilities. Wrong! It is just as much about academic ability as it is about emotional literacy, life experience, personal values, and societal resilience. These qualities are desperately needed so the social worker can relate to the disadvantaged, suffering, at risk people they are typically working with. It is highly patronizing for an individual to tell another "I understand what you are going through" or "I completely see where you are coming from" when you couldn't possibly have the faintest idea what this person is struggling with and in most situations, this type of approach only increases the hostility. I am fortunate enough to have very similar life experiences to some of my parents and/or kids I work with and those experiences allow me to give them a window into what life could be when they apply themselves.

While it is true my degrees are not specifically in social work, I have been working within the social work field for nearly ten years. I have spent twenty years working with children and families, working directly with other individuals who work within the CPS and APS system, and the juvenile/adult justice system. I have also been going to college since 1994 (yes I said that out loud..lol) having received insane amounts of education on psychology, child psychology, social work, education, education psychology, administration, and adult/juvenile criminal justice and I could not even begin to estimate the amount of training I have received on dealing with specific situations or the number of trainings I have attended childhood behavior and child development. So personally I feel I am a pretty intelligent when it comes to the world of academics, general knowledge, and the world of living (some may not agree and that's okay). What I have seen in all that experience is people who are inspirational...people who are passionate...people who are driven...people who put others before themselves...people who give up time with their own families for the sake of time with others...people who care about the world we are leaving behind...people who see good where no one else does...people who give love to those who refuse it...people who are able to tell others "you have greatness" when society only tells them otherwise...people who know the preconceived negative notion the world has about them and push through anyway...This is evident in their drive to work all hours, their skills at helping children and families reveal the harm they are experiencing, and their compassionate and authoritative approach to vulnerable, fearful and angry parents. And through all of this we are not afforded a uniform or a cape! (although, there is still a running joke at my job in regards to a comment I made years ago about us deserving a super hero cape)

Some people might also say that working in an "out of home" placement facility makes myself and others like me immune to what the "typical" social worker has to face. Okay, fair enough, lets look at that shall we! The caseworkers in the facility where I work have a caseload just like any other caseworker, I have 12. The paperwork aspect would be hard to even wrap your brain around, but we will do a brief summary. We call the parents and arrange our own assessment dates for candidates, conduct the 7 hour assessment (the assessment questionnaire is 17 pages) before placement, present the information to the assessment committee, conduct the activities upon admit, write the psychosocial upon placement (10-15 pages), 72 plan of service (4-6 pages), 30 day plan of service (10-15 pages), and plan of service every 90 days after that (7-12 pages), team meeting notes for each child every two weeks, all contact with parents on every child documented, filling out verification forms for doctor's appointments on each child, completing report card letters, completion of plan of service letters, notification of plan of service review letters, discharge summaries upon release, and I am sure there is more I am not including. Mailing out all of the above, plus report cards, sports schedules, school calendars, visit letters. Filing all of the above plus all documentation sent from the clinic and most from the school. Attending all school meetings, teacher meetings, clinic appointments, psychiatric appointments, all the while making sure their MC is aware of everything that is going on. Maintaining charts for all of the children on your caseload and some of them have up to five charts. Writing incidents reports for negative behaviors, acts against policy or licensing, medication errors/refusals, and there is about 10 other things we write them for. Making CPS reports and completing the paperwork for that. Not to mention fitting into our schedule all the trainings and meetings every week required by our job. While doing all of that (and I can promise you I have not covered everything in anyway), we also need to have a relationship with our children so we also need to find time in our day to go to our homes and visit with our kids, attend their school functions, or sporting events (keep in mind we are doing that for 12 kids and a lot of parents have trouble finding the time to do that for their own 2 or 3 children). Our facility also provides buses that go to Dallas and Houston for the summer and Christmas breaks and caseworkers are responsible for staffing those. Yes that means 8-10 hours on a bus filled with children. We have a summer program since we are a year round program that caseworkers and house parents staff and help supervise so we work five days, all day each summer in that program. We also work rodeo, our Christmas program, and all other major functions put on at our facility. Having a facility of nearly 300 kids, during he major holidays and long weekends, we obviously have a lot that fly in and out. Guess who does a great deal of driving back and forth to the airport, keeping in mind we are an hour away from the airport. That doesn't include the regular driving of kids back and forth, often in our own vehicles, to Amarillo for visits to help the parents who cannot afford the gas to get to our facility to pick their child up. I personally have driven kids to home visits in Borger, El Paso, Oklahoma, Dalhart, Hereford, Plainview, Tulia and I have picked up kids from church camps and bereavement camps on the weekends, on my personal time, who were not even on my caseload! We also have a rotating on-call schedule. They are times just like other social workers that we will pick up kids from home visits or deliver them to home visits to places we are not comfortable with, to people we do not even know. I have and still get calls from parents in the middle of the night because their child and themselves just could not get along and they needed help. I have gone to detention centers to pick up kids on my caseloads after they have run away from home visits. I have sat in court with kids. While I am doing all of this, I am also trying to make time for my own three kids, to attend their parent/teacher meetings, to attend their school functions, to attend sporting events, to make them still feel important and loved...oh yeah and sleep and shower! I will say one thing we experience more of in out of home placement since we work more one-on-one with the kids themselves is a high level of disrespect, mistreatment, and ungratefulness from the kids which can be difficult and heartbreaking to take when you are working so hard to make their lives and futures successful. Unfortunately, my job often requires me to do things on my own time taking away from my kids, my husband, and my own family. I do it because it's not a paycheck for me! I do it because I have a true desire to help and a true desire to want to make things better for families...because I want to help them get back to the place they were before they got lost. Clearly I am not doing it for the fame, the recognition, or because my solitaire score is badass! So when people say we just sit in our office all day, we just play computer games, we don't have a difficult job, our job is not as important, yes, I take GREAT offense to that.

To put it simply, the world has failed to recognize the enormous physical and moral courage it takes to be an effective social worker. People truly have no idea how many lost children who were headed for prison that social workers and/or counselors have convinced to go into the military or the police force or becoming a fireman or getting into some profession with a great deal of discipline and structure because we knew it would save their life, but that is not something you ever hear about. Are we perfect or is it a perfect system? Absolutely not. We are human and humans are fallible, but when you can show me one profession that doesn't have mistakes, errors, and/or have corruption, I will help you to wake up from the dream you having. There are certainly problems and challenges that must be overcome. However, a great deal of these challenges are connected to the high volume of work that is required to be managed and the nature of the "audit culture" that limits the time available to do quality work which is all placed under the umbrella of the cuts that are placing increasing demands on our services. Plan and simple, we are only one person with so many hours in a day. All we want is for society to take a close enough look to appreciate what social work actually does and in turn provide the care, respect and resources they require to allow them to get on with meeting the needs of the vulnerable people they work so hard to help.

Parental Power

One trend that appears to be happening more and more in our society is that parents are just losing/lost their children and losing/lost their connection with them. Yet many parents are baffled as to why their influence over their children appears to no longer be of importance in their child's world?

Well for some reason our culture has shifted from being driven by adult interaction and relationships to being driven by peer interactions and relationships. Children have simply become more likely to accept their social cues from the other children in their lives. This “peer oriented” lifestyle has in fact become so commonplace, it has many parents believing it is a natural step in a child’s overall growth and in turn they are encouraging their children to spend more time with their peers. This will naturally lead to them withdrawing from all adult influence. While it’s a good idea to help your child develop strong socialization skills with peers, you absolutely do not want to create an environment where they have an inability to also develop and maintain healthy bonds with the adults in their lives, specifically their parents. The hope is that if a child maintains their adult bonds they will be less likely to reject parental/adult influence, possibly even utilizing those authority figures on a more frequent basis.

When there is an absence of a more adult oriented world for a child, they will seek a way to fill that absence and their peers would naturally seem to be the most logical fit. There is extreme amounts of evidence demonstrating that spending time with our children creates an attachment which will serve as a strong base for them to confidently explore their world. Children do not ever stop seeking out this attachment and will find it where readily available. One of the primary issues is that a child’s peers simply do not have the skills to nurture this attachment as it will require some of their thinking patterns towards relationships, interactions, and other social cues to become skewed or completely changed. 

As long as our children are our dependents, we need to allow them to do exactly that...Depend upon us! It is a fact that whoever has the greatest bond with a child will have the greatest influence over them. There is no reason a child cannot have a strong bond with a parent and a peer at the same time, however a peer will not be able to give a child is stability, attention, advice, food, shelter, protection, and an unpolluted world of knowledge and experience.

All too often we adults like to place lack of relationships under the umbrella excuse of “bad parenting skills”. Again, not true. Parents generally come with good instincts about being a parent, but they do all too often lose is their ability to enforce the power and authority they have as the parent. Keeping in mind the term "power" is not meant in the sense of force, manipulation, or fear which is usually what happens when we no longer feel in control. For when those feelings develop, all too often parents resort to threats, violence, or some other type of useless, unnecessary, and unproductive way of controlling the situation. The type of "power" this article is referring to is the power to create and maintain a relationship with their own child.

Dependency is a natural need of a child. Plan and simple, the person on which they feel most dependent will be the one who holds the most ability to help the child become a productive, responsive, responsible, highly functioning adult. Children may know what they want, but they don’t always know what they need. It is our job as the adults and the parents to put what we know to use and do our jobs. We need to create those bonds, form those relationships, and guide our children into what we know they can be.

For more information about this please read Gabor Matte’s book, “Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Matter”.

 

Steps For Addressing, Dealing With, And Surviving Conflict Within Any Relationship

Creating, developing, and maintaining relationships are a core element to human nature. Regardless of whether it is with a spouse, family member, child, friend, co worker, etc., connecting to others is who we are and how we are wired. However, just as with any area in our life we chose to participate in, our relationships require work and effort to maintain them at functional and acceptable level. Here you will find some basic steps we can take to foster those relationships and keep them continually growing and fulfilling in our lives:

Giving Yourself a Break:
Sometimes you need a little distance and/or time to cool off and reflect. While that’s acceptable, you need to make sure that it’s just that, a limited amount of time. It’s important to ensure after your break, you and the person(s) you’re fighting with agree to come back together and revisit the issue(s). A time out can be a great thing as long as the ultimate goal is to bring you back together. However, if you find yourself consistently addressing the same issues over and over with no change being made, this can create further conflict and further stress. In cases where one party is unwilling to change a behavior they know is causing pain or distress to other party and/or is unwilling to make any effort meet the vocalized needs of the other party, more than a break may be required.

Respect The Dignity Of Others:
Regardless of who you are in a conflict with, a person should NEVER be forced to lose their value or dignity as a human being. It doesn’t matter how right you THINK you are and/or how wrong you think they are, NEVER deny another person their dignity because in the end, you are only going to do more harm than good. Regardless of what you think, respect is not something you get just because of your position in life. It is something we earn through the process of reciprocation.

Radical Empathy:
It’s always our responsibility to do everything we can to identify with the other person and their position before fighting so hard for our own. Simply SAYING that you understand their point of view will not be enough to argue their position and present it as if you truly understand and share it yourself. It simply very patronizing when we attempt to tell others "we understand how they feel" or "we see where they are coming from" when we couldn't possibly do either and even worse, have made no effort to do so.

Acknowledge Their Wisdom:
Before we can ever be a teacher, we must first become a student. Sometimes we may find ourselves in situations where our emotions have become so elevated, our dislike for another person so great, and/or our loyalty so intense that we may be completely blinded to all outside possibilities. The simple truth is this...No matter how wrong someone might be about ONE THING, we have to be willing to concede there is no way they are wrong about EVERYTHING! We must know that in life, no matter how we may feel about a person or ourselves, NOBODY will ever be smart enough to be 100% right just as there is NOBODY dumb enough to be 100% wrong.

Conflict Hurts Everyone:
Even while we may try to do everything right when handling our relationships, inevitably, all the parties involved will pay a price when a conflict unfolds. The need to be right is not enough to insulate us from feeling the pain from any conflict we took part in. We also have to be willing to acknowledge that when conflict occurs, EVERYONE'S pain is real, equal, and valid. Meaning, no one person's pain is more important, holds greater value, or should be addressed first because of their age, status in the relationship, or past experiences.

Always Look Within First:
It's impossible for there to be a conflict if only person is involved which means ALL parties, even the one who was right, have partial responsibility in creating and perpetuating a conflict. ALL parties must ask themselves "what part did I play?" At some point we all join the "blame game", but we should never be above pointing the finger at ourselves before pointing it at others. This also those who always want to see the best in others. There are times we have people in our life that we just always want to see the best in and believe the best in, such as our children or parents, but it doesn't change the fact that they are human which makes them capable of hurting and conflicting with others and when they do so, they must be accountable for that.

Being Right Is Not Enough:
In our lives, our relationships meet certain needs for us and the nature of the relationship will dictate the type of need we are seeking. When we feel our needs are not being met and/or ignored, we address it with the other party. This in turn is where conflict can ensue. For that reason, it's always imperative that you remind yourself that the only real justification for conflict with those we truly care about is for the purpose of addressing issue(s) that are central to being able to sustain the relationship over time. If you are creating conflict for the sole purpose of proving your are right, you are more than likely, going to cause unnecessary, irreparable damage. However, we all have the right to feel equal, heard, and valued in any relationship we hold and when we feel that is not happening, it should be dealt with.

This "Two" Shall Pass...

The “terrible two’s” reference the ages of 12-36 months. We use this term because children tend to act up more and become more demanding during this time. Parents also feel the behavior presents itself most with an audience such as in public. They feel the child is almost waiting to be around others and in a certain sense, they are. During this age, children are trying to push their boundaries and challenge their limits. They not only want to see the how and why of things, but they also want to see reactions from others. As hard as it is to accept, this is all part of their normal develop, but it can be gotten through:


Normal Development:
Toddlers are at an age when they no longer want to be in one place. They’re learning to walk, talk, and explore their environment. During this course of exploration it would make sense to think they would at some point challenge their environment. However, since parents see their children as cute and adorable, they find it hard to tell them no, but as parents it’s our job to teach our children right from wrong. Beginning at the minute of birth, children are living sponges who soak up all the information we give them as well as become thinking, rationalizing people. If parents consistently give in to their children, they’re unable to learn boundaries, inappropriate behaviors, and the consequences for those behaviors. They need to understand from the beginning what is okay and what is not. Letting something slide once, but trying to consequence for the same behavior later, will only lead to confusion for the child. NO means NO and don’t be afraid to stand your ground.


Avoiding Temptation:
Toddlers don’t inherently know what’s dangerous or harmful for them. For example, they don’t know pulling on a dog’s ear may cause them to get bit and some medications aren’t candy. Our first job as parents is to keep our children safe so it’s best practice to keep harmful and dangerous objects out of sight. Even though they understand no, as with any age child, it doesn’t always mean they are going to listen. We all have seen that when a toddler gets something in their hand, the first place it goes is their mouth. Since children at this age are constantly exploring their environment, it’s just best practice they not learn certain lesions through trial and error.


Discipline:
Toddlers often want what they want, when they want it, and don’t do well having to wait for it. So if they feel there’s a chance they can get it themselves, they‘ll take matters into their own hands. This in turn, can lead to pulling on cords, pulling on curtains, or even tipping over chairs and bookcases. As stated before, this is an exploration time for the child so while you want to make sure you redirect the dangerous exploration, you also don’t want to discipline too strongly, too often, or for every single thing they do. The end result will be instilling fear into the child as opposed to discouraging the behavior. You may also risk teaching them strength and overpowering are the ways to solve a dispute. Simply be clear with the toddler when you explain the dangers to them and it goes without saying, given the young age of the child, you‘ll have to do this several times. Don’t be surprised if your child challenges you and tries to question everything. Your reactions to the challenge will help them draw their own conclusions about whether or not what they are doing is favorable or unfavorable.


There are certain behaviors where’s there’s no question about whether or not discipline is necessary for the purposes of safety and in an effort to teach them this behavior is unacceptable. These behaviors include hurting themselves, hurting someone else, doing something that could be dangerous to themselves or someone else, harming an animal, and being destructive
Some other behaviors that will require immediate action by the parent are verbal confrontation, kicking, screaming, temper tantrums, running off, throwing things, spitting, and bullying others. Sometimes offering choices to the child can prove useful, but if you feel the child is being intentionally defiant, then you may have to make the choice for them. For example, if they hurt another child during play and refuse to apologize, then you may need to remove them from the play group as a consequence. Some other things to remember are the punishment needs to be related to the behavior. Time outs need to be limited to one minute per year of age due to their short attention span. It’s a good to teach toddlers early to apologize when they hurt others, even if it is an animal. It will help develop the idea all living things have feelings. Never threaten unless you’re prepared to follow through, this will only contribute to wishy-washy parenting and the child losing respect for your authority. The most important rule is to always make sure your child knows why they are being punished. Children are not able to identify the “wrong” in what they’ve done if it’s not explained to them in terms they can understand.


Praise, Praise, Praise:
Although we are required as parents to address the negative with our children, we need to balance that out with the positive. Smiles, hugs, kisses, and verbal affirmations are some of the things that make children feel good about themselves and about their relationship with you. Toddlers are working to develop their moral foundation so if we address the positive with the negative, it‘ll help to fully develop an understanding of right and wrong. Once children begin to understand what behaviors bring praise and which ones won’t, you will find them slowly gravitating more towards the positive ones.

"Letting Go Of Family Members That Hurt Us"

After many conversations with people I hold dear, I have found they have either had struggles with their family or were currently having them. For that reason, I decided to share this article that I came across yesterday on dealing with unhealthy family relationships. I was hopeful others could find inspiration and healing in it:

"Letting Go Of Family Members That Hurt Us"

by G. Gometra

In a perfect world, family would always be there to support you and make you feel secure and safe. Unfortunately that is not always the case. Many of us have at least one relative, if not more, that is consistently hurtful, dismissive, judgmental, selfish, and/or showing avoidance, far more than just sibling rivalry or tough love. Most families contain people who will push us beyond our comfort zones and help us to learn and grow, even though there are many moments when we don't appreciate their efforts or how they affect our lives. However, what happens when our family members constantly cut us down and wear us out? Is it ever okay to cut those ties and just say good-bye?

The most loving family members will occasionally make us uncomfortable, that is to be expected. They will show us our flaws and how we can improve.  Granted, no one likes those moments where we feel bare and vulnerable, every mistake visible to the world, but these moments are the ones that can help us become better people. The most sincere of family members will show you the tarnish, but they are also the ones who will willingly sit with you to help you clean and polish yourself until you gleam and shine again. It is an experience that although uncomfortable still feels productive and safe. THAT is a positive relationship.

There is another version of this interaction that often looks similar, but there is one big difference, there is no help to rebuild after the “inner-self” has been knocked down. There are people in the world that see ONLY themselves and could care less who they damage around them with their self-serving acts, harsh words, and acts of blatant favoritism. We have all known people like this and in most cases, it seems simple to deal with. When it is a friend, acquaintance, or co-worker whose words sting so and whose presence is so uncomfortable it is a cinch to dismiss them from our daily existence. There is no need to keep them close where they can hurt us over and over.

That dismissal doesn’t come so easy when the constant pain is at the hands of someone that should be safe, warm, caring, considerate, fair, or inviting such as a parent, aunt, uncle, sibling, or even grandparent. For whatever reason, this person is doing more than just showing you your human flaws.  They make you feel as though you will never be accepted or wanted as yourself or even just plain okay. Time and time again you are disrespected, disregarded, ignored, judged, treated as less than, glossed over, even though you pour your energy and love into the relationship. The problem has become being your relative has put this person in a position of power because you are different and because you actually crave that positive interaction, love, and attention from them. So in seeking out the affections you need you set yourself up to be repeatedly hurt. Let’s face it, we are human, constantly giving and never receiving back love and support will leave anyone feeling hurt and empty.

From time to time we all make mistakes and can appear selfish. Only when it is truly a consistent pattern should you ever alter your actions toward a loved one. Keep in mind that you have the power to make decisions about who is in your life and if a relationship is extremely unhealthy for you it is okay to let go. Never cut ties in anger as being hurtful will not make you feel any better. However, the type of relationships this article is referring to will easily make you feel undeserved guilt on a constant basis and the point of severing ties is to remove that source of guilt. So if you choose this route make sure you go about it in a way that you can feel good about.

You are the only person that can decide whether you need to cut the ties bonding you to another. If you choose to let go of a family member(s) keep in mind that it will hurt for a very long time. You may find closure important, but be careful about how you approach the subject. Verbal communication of your intentions may become too emotional. If you suspect this will be the case, write a letter. A letter allows you as much time as you need to transform the mess of feelings into words that make it all more accessible to the recipient. This will allow you to be clear about the pain that you've been feeling without sounding overly angry.

Unfortunately, some of us have family members that hurt us. As painful as it may be, sometimes the best thing we can do is let them go. Unfortunately this also means letting go of our expectations and hopes of it every changing, but we are also eliminating our ability to be hurt over and over by a trusted loved one. Sometimes it is possible to take this power away from a person while still keeping them in our lives, sometimes not. Just keep in mind that demanding respect is not selfish as long as you give it in return. At the end of the day we all just want to be loved evenly and fairly and no one deserves being mistreated.