"Letting Go Of Family Members That Hurt Us"

After many conversations with people I hold dear, I have found they have either had struggles with their family or were currently having them. For that reason, I decided to share this article that I came across yesterday on dealing with unhealthy family relationships. I was hopeful others could find inspiration and healing in it:

"Letting Go Of Family Members That Hurt Us"

by G. Gometra

In a perfect world, family would always be there to support you and make you feel secure and safe. Unfortunately that is not always the case. Many of us have at least one relative, if not more, that is consistently hurtful, dismissive, judgmental, selfish, and/or showing avoidance, far more than just sibling rivalry or tough love. Most families contain people who will push us beyond our comfort zones and help us to learn and grow, even though there are many moments when we don't appreciate their efforts or how they affect our lives. However, what happens when our family members constantly cut us down and wear us out? Is it ever okay to cut those ties and just say good-bye?

The most loving family members will occasionally make us uncomfortable, that is to be expected. They will show us our flaws and how we can improve.  Granted, no one likes those moments where we feel bare and vulnerable, every mistake visible to the world, but these moments are the ones that can help us become better people. The most sincere of family members will show you the tarnish, but they are also the ones who will willingly sit with you to help you clean and polish yourself until you gleam and shine again. It is an experience that although uncomfortable still feels productive and safe. THAT is a positive relationship.

There is another version of this interaction that often looks similar, but there is one big difference, there is no help to rebuild after the “inner-self” has been knocked down. There are people in the world that see ONLY themselves and could care less who they damage around them with their self-serving acts, harsh words, and acts of blatant favoritism. We have all known people like this and in most cases, it seems simple to deal with. When it is a friend, acquaintance, or co-worker whose words sting so and whose presence is so uncomfortable it is a cinch to dismiss them from our daily existence. There is no need to keep them close where they can hurt us over and over.

That dismissal doesn’t come so easy when the constant pain is at the hands of someone that should be safe, warm, caring, considerate, fair, or inviting such as a parent, aunt, uncle, sibling, or even grandparent. For whatever reason, this person is doing more than just showing you your human flaws.  They make you feel as though you will never be accepted or wanted as yourself or even just plain okay. Time and time again you are disrespected, disregarded, ignored, judged, treated as less than, glossed over, even though you pour your energy and love into the relationship. The problem has become being your relative has put this person in a position of power because you are different and because you actually crave that positive interaction, love, and attention from them. So in seeking out the affections you need you set yourself up to be repeatedly hurt. Let’s face it, we are human, constantly giving and never receiving back love and support will leave anyone feeling hurt and empty.

From time to time we all make mistakes and can appear selfish. Only when it is truly a consistent pattern should you ever alter your actions toward a loved one. Keep in mind that you have the power to make decisions about who is in your life and if a relationship is extremely unhealthy for you it is okay to let go. Never cut ties in anger as being hurtful will not make you feel any better. However, the type of relationships this article is referring to will easily make you feel undeserved guilt on a constant basis and the point of severing ties is to remove that source of guilt. So if you choose this route make sure you go about it in a way that you can feel good about.

You are the only person that can decide whether you need to cut the ties bonding you to another. If you choose to let go of a family member(s) keep in mind that it will hurt for a very long time. You may find closure important, but be careful about how you approach the subject. Verbal communication of your intentions may become too emotional. If you suspect this will be the case, write a letter. A letter allows you as much time as you need to transform the mess of feelings into words that make it all more accessible to the recipient. This will allow you to be clear about the pain that you've been feeling without sounding overly angry.

Unfortunately, some of us have family members that hurt us. As painful as it may be, sometimes the best thing we can do is let them go. Unfortunately this also means letting go of our expectations and hopes of it every changing, but we are also eliminating our ability to be hurt over and over by a trusted loved one. Sometimes it is possible to take this power away from a person while still keeping them in our lives, sometimes not. Just keep in mind that demanding respect is not selfish as long as you give it in return. At the end of the day we all just want to be loved evenly and fairly and no one deserves being mistreated.