Communicating with Apathetic Teenagers by Joseph Greeny

I feel as parents, we often lost sight of the fact that we are NOT raising children and are in fact raising adults and I also feel we tend to forget that our children will be EXACTLY what we taught them to be. One of my favorite quotes states "that we often complain about the younger generation as if we had nothing to do with who they are". Very powerful words! 

I am consistently stating to the parents I work with who complain that their child doesn't listen when they try to help, that it could have something to do with your connection to them. The sharing of DNA does guarantee the sharing of deep thoughts and feelings, that is a privilege you have to earn...even from your own child!

If you have made no effort to truly build an emotional bridge from you to your child and have only "demanded" to get what you want based upon the fact that you are the parent, you are not only wasting your time, you are doing further damage to an already fragile relationship. Would you share your deepest secrets with a neighbor if they just walked up and asked for them? Probably not because while you "know of" that person, you don't "KNOW" that person. Anyone can put the initials "Dr." in front of their name, but they don't mean anything unless a person has earned them. The terms "mother" and "father" are no different. They are nothing more than titles unless you put in the work required to make them mean something.  

I came across this article and found it to be greatly informative and extremely insightful to those who are parenting teenagers and of course wanted to share it. Please note, I DID NOT write this article and am only passing on it's benefit...

Communicating with Apathetic Teenagers
By Joseph Grenny

Dear Crucial Skills,

I just watched Joseph Grenny's "How to Hold Those You Love Accountable" video and although I thought it was good, I would like to know how to deal with teenagers who don't see things as clearly. Both kids in the example well up in tears and seem extremely mature in their response.

What happens when you take this same approach and they just roll their eyes, say they don't want to talk about their feelings, and to just get on with it? What about when they've heard it all before from adults who really wanted to empathize and they simply like doing drugs or throwing parties? They see the benefit (popularity, hot girls, easy rush, etc.) and wish the old folks would just stop nagging. They're right and you are wrong. What do you do then?

Signed,
Giving Up

Dear Giving Up,

With your permission I will speak very personally. You are asking a question that strikes at the heart of what parenting has meant to me. My opinions about your situation have been informed by twenty-seven years of learning to have intimate relationships with imperfect people. People like me.

For those who haven't seen the video, I shared a story of a young man at an alternative high school who was addicted to drugs and was caught using them in school. I also described how one of my teenage children threw a massive party at our home while my wife and I were away. The point I wanted to illustrate is, if we try to address accountability with those we love in the absence of emotional connection, we often provoke defensiveness. However, if we pay the price to connect emotionally first, they are more likely to feel naturally accountable for the effect their actions have on others. True accountability is the fruit of emotional connection. Anything less is little more than compulsion.

Trust me, my life hasn't been a series of photo ops. It's been more valley than peak. I feel your pain when your best efforts seem to yield no influence. And I know the agony of watching those I love squander sacred potential. So, what do you do when, in spite of your best efforts to empathize, connect, listen, and validate others, the result is a shoulder shrug? Here are my beliefs about how to create healthy relationships with imperfect people.

1. I am responsible for influence, not results.

The instant I measure my "success" by others' choices, I am living a lie. The lie is that I can—or should—control others. I can't. I shouldn't. The very wish to do so is the root cause of every form of misery for myself and others. It leads to anger, despair, depression, compulsion, and pride. During our children's infancy, we parents get seduced into the delusion that we can mold them as we please. The truth is, we are responsible to offer a worthy example, provide coaching, give support, and surrender the rest.

2. Everyone learns on their own schedule.

Over the years, I've created enormous stress for myself and family members by unconsciously planning the lives of my children on a normative schedule. I had tacit expectations of where they should be by age eight, twelve, sixteen, eighteen, and so on. Mind you, I wasn’t aware I was doing this. It was more of an expectation I absorbed by comparing myself with "successful" parents around me. It wasn't until one child after another deviated from that plan that I became aware I had it in the first place. It showed up in feelings of panic or discouragement. It showed up in behavior like bargaining, bribing, and criticizing. I have arrived at a very different place today. I feel an immense respect for the uniqueness of each of my children. I have enormous faith that they are learning creatures and that they each need to learn in their own way and on their own schedule. If you'll allow a very personal aside, I also believe this learning schedule exceeds this life. I get to take part in that learning at times, but my role is much smaller than the illusory one I have so often coveted.

3. Influence can only be granted, not taken.

My children grant it to me at their pleasure—and tend to do so only when they believe they can trust my intent. In the worst of cases, children surrender enormous influence because we've convinced them of their own incompetence. They adopt every habit and aspiration we advocate because they can hardly distinguish the boundaries of their own identity from ours. The other extreme happens when they resent your attempt to violate their agency so much that your attempts to control become the issue. You unintentionally impede their ability to learn from their mistakes because they are distracted by their resentment of your intrusions into their choices.

Healthy influence happens when children are fundamentally convinced your only intent is to help them accomplish their own worthy goals, not to impose your own. This redefines parenting as a process of enabling their discovery of their own uniqueness, worth, and mission. And it gives you a small but privileged view of that unfolding. At times they'll make monumentally stupid decisions (as did you and I). With adult children, we slow their learning when we either fight these choices or rescue them from them. Instead, our role is to help them know we believe in them, and be ready to offer feedback and counsel when—and only when—they give us permission to do so.

I hope you don't hear any of this as glib. I know the pain of parental disappointment—and even agony. I've come to understand, at times, that making the choice to love is making a choice to suffer. But that suffering need not turn to misery if I understand my role. When I do, I increase the likelihood of experiencing the surpassing joy that comes from being such an intimate part of another person's life.

With love,
Joseph

 

Self-Regulation In Children: Finding The "Why"

Self-Regulation is still a fairly new concept, but research has consistently demonstrated that effective Self-Regulation is a vital skill necessary for reliable emotional well-being. However, like other skills, it is not something we born with and instead, develop over time.  As we grown and learn, we develop control over our emotions, over our behaviors, and determine how best to respond to certain situations. Since emotion very much drives behavior, it’s important that we understand the concept of Self-Regulation as it pertains to both behavior and emotion.

Looking at the behavior aspect, Self-Regulation is defined as the ability to act in your long-term best interest with your deepest values on a consistent basis. What we often face in our day to day interactions, are violations against our deepest values which creates feelings of guilt, shame, and anxiety. Not only are these the antithesis of “overall emotional well-being”, but they are feelings that will drive negative behavior. If we look at it in terms of emotions, Self-Regulation is defined as the ability to calm yourself when you become frustrated or upset as well as uplift yourself when you feel sad or down. With all that being said, in order for a person to understand Self-Regulation, they must also understand the basic foundations of emotions, more importantly, feelings. To put it bluntly, emotions “move us” and prepare us for action. Bottom of Form, but regardless of the action intended, all emotions will have the same three motivators: Approach, Avoid, or Attack!

1. Approach is driven by a desire to get “more”…More of anything. Emotionally speaking, you will see this in a form of things such as enjoyment, compassion, love, interest, etc. Behaviorally speaking it will appear in positive ways such as negotiation, cooperation, encouragement, protection, etc.
2. Avoid is driven by the desire of wanting to get away with something and in turn you will automatically lower its value or purpose in your life. Behaviorally speaking, this will appear in the form of ignoring, dismissal, or rejection.
3. Attack is driven by exactly what it sounds like. A desire to criticize, insult, demean, harm, dominate, or destroy something or someone. Emotionally speaking, this appears in forms of anger, contempt, even disgust and behaviorally speaking you will see it appear through manipulation, demands, threats, and even bullying.

So what are feelings? Feelings are the most misunderstood component of emotions simply because they are complex and ever-changing. Our moods can be affected by the weather, physical states such as illness, our environment or people in it, psychological responses such as depression, and numerous other things. As humans, our tendency is to avoid actively focusing on feelings and instead just the overall mood…in other words, we “feel”, but we don’t “think” about what we feel. The thought process behind our feelings typically only comes when someone asks us specifically, “what are you feeling?” The problem with this question is that when we focus solely on anything, it just makes it more intense for us and since we tend to already be uncomfortable by what we are feeling, increasing the intensity, is only going to be more upsetting. In regards to Self-Regulation, this creates a problem because it’s really only attainable when the person’s feelings are not distorted through overall amplification.

So let’s put all of this into context…

When a person simply states “I feel bad” all the attention is aimed towards the “bad” feeling alone and typically there is an automatic need created to justify and/or explain the “bad” feeling i.e. putting the responsibility of the feeling on another person or situation. In other words, they begin “blaming” instead of “identifying”! However, if you encourage them to focus on a statement such as “this is the reason I feel bad” it will help to keep them focused on what’s truly wrong as opposed to generalizing and/or fabricating.

Feelings are important because feelings drive behaviors, but they are not the MOST important aspect. When the “why” of the feeling is not found, it is harder to create beneficial behavior. Put another way, every behavior has a reason so the key is to “find the why” in the feeling that in turn is behind the behavior. When we are talking about children, how we view their actions needs to always be put into context. Not every behavior can be disciplined out of a child and in fact, very few can. As I stated, our behaviors are driven by our emotions so the only way a child will be able to alter their undesirable behaviors, is to first understand what caused the feeling that is driving it. With that being said, a person’s ability to Self-Regulate is something that we as society take for granted, just as we do so many things about human nature. We too often forget “that a person cannot demonstrate or display that which they were not taught”.  Meaning, children are what their parents teach them to be so when a child misses out on certain life skills, how do we expect them to do it as an adult? So as parents and caregivers, we need to assist them in learning to identify “WHY they feel bad” and not just “they feel bad”. Knowing how to calm oneself is an important and necessary life-long skill so the more opportunities children have to address inappropriate situations, the more it will create in them the ability to identify/verbalize their own “whys”. Overall, this will lead to children who are able to modify their own undesirable behaviors as opposed to relying on an adult to emotionally rescue them when their feelings make them uncomfortable.

My Own Personal Thoughts On The "Ebola Crisis"

I will state from the beginning, that if anyone finds this offensive or rude, then I do apologize, but again, these are my thoughts and my feelings, therefore no one is required to believe them, trust them, or follow them.

Of course we know that right now, based solely on media coverage, that Ebola has become not a HEALTH epidemic, but a FEAR epidemic of monumental portions. Why? Because we are human beings wired for immediate mass hysteria of the unknown! Even looking at the facts, that there have been only THREE confirmed cases in the U.S., it in no way sways people from complete breakdown about this disease. If fact, a recent poll that was conducted showed that approximately 40% of the population view Ebola as a “moderate to severe health risk”…THREE PEOPLE folks!

Now here is another interesting fact, how many people know what Enterovirus D68 is? Typically speaking the only people who are aware of what this is are people with small children. This particular virus causes respiratory problems, often severe, and in rare cases, has even caused children to develop muscle paralysis, but even that has no concrete scientific proof of causation. To date, approximately 600 children, in 45 states, have been infected. Now most have recovered quickly, but there have still been 5 deaths so naturally there is a great deal of anxiety among parents in the U.S.

Here is the question, are we essentially worrying too much about both of these diseases? Here is the reality and the answer…YES! Unequivocally YES! The actuality is that we are not nor have we ever applied the panic where it should actually be when it comes to diseases that are FAR MORE LIKELY to cause serious damage to the U.S. population. For example….INFLUENZA!  Everyone should be aware that Flu season is upon us. What everyone may not be aware of is that is that the Flu kills THOUSANDS of Americans and puts HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS in the hospital. Yet never do you see the level and magnitude of widespread panic and chaos that we have seen in the last month.

According to the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), the average annual death toll from the Flu, between the years of 1976 and 2007, has been MORE than 23,000!!!! What’s more insane, at least to me, is that there ARE preventative measures and even a VACCINE for the Flu while there is nothing for Ebola or Enterovirus D68. The bigger reality is that actually trying to force some public panic over the Flu, as has been done with the other two, might actually help increase awareness as well as people taking preventative measures. Nope, here we are with the media creating "circus level craziness" over two diseases that are highly unlikely to ever reach the level of panic they are currently garnishing and truth be told, when it comes to Ebola, at this time, the only people who are truly at risk, are health care workers!

Ebola and Enterovirus D68 are nothing more than novelty items right now. Just like the new toy at Christmas that every child wants or the newest cell phone/electronic that every adult wants. Meanwhile, the Flu has basically become the first IPod ever produced or toys from the 80’s...you know, “been there, done that”. It’s people's familiarity with it that causes them to not be scared of it. Numerous studies have been done to show, people will underestimate the overall risks of the everyday, common place hazards of life, while at the same time, INCREDIBLY overestimating the overall risk of those events that are out of the ordinary. To put it plainly, as I have said many, many, many times, “We always fear what we don’t know!”  People will turn themselves inside out with worry about a plane crash, while driving everyday like they are on automatic pilot when every study shows you are more likely to die in a car crash or even walking that on a plane.

All of this fear, while understandable is absolutely, 100% irrational. We have all heard that you should never stress or worry about that which you can’t control because it is wasted energy! Ebola is no different! There is no vaccine, it is not spread through the air, but we do know that it’s probably a good idea to stay away from anyone who has been to South Africa in the last 21 days. The Flu on the other hand is spread through the air, can kill you and does kill thousands every year, but also has several preventative measures. People, we survived small pox, we survived polio, we survived NIHI, we even survived the turn of the new millennium, which if you will remember, EVERYTHING was saying then that it was going to end the world, just like people believe now!

I also want to add for those who don’t know, for those who think that hospitals are not taking this seriously, hospital protocol says there are two questions that are asked to anyone who presents with the possibility of having Ebola. The first being if they have flu like symptoms because that is what you will see and the second is, if they have been in contact with anyone who has traveled to South Africa or if they themselves have, in the last 7-21 days. If both of those questions are asked, they are immediately quarantined and tested. It is because it takes 7-21 days for symptoms to appear and if by chance they have been to Africa or been around someone who has, but if was longer than 21 days ago, they are clear, it’s just that simple. That's a fact, that's science, there is no getting around it!

Drugs and Halloween: Information every parent should know!

As parents we are all more than aware of the infamous holiday that is just around the corner. The one filled with wrapped treats and cute costumes galore. Yes, I am talking about Halloween. However, this holiday is not always a great time for parents because it can bring with it a lot of fear due to many of the issues we currently face in our society. Meaning, we want our children to have fun without also ending up with some harmful if not deadly in their treat bag. Overall, as parents we just want to protect our children as best as we can so I have written this article in attempt to provide some information to help you do that.

Often I say my education is a gift and a curse because I have knowledge about those things “that go bump in the night” and at times, it’s not always fun to know it. However, in this case, I am glad I know certain things and can in turn pass it along to other parents. Now, it’s pretty well known that in the mid-80’s, we had to start worrying about razor blades in apples and cyanide being placed in food. Unfortunately with the continued development of technology, the internet, and resources, we have also increased not only our level of exposure, but also the level of autonomy.

I will start off saying that as much as the media likes to feed the masses’ level of panic, there has not been any cases of people in the United States INTENTIONALLY giving children candy laced with drugs. With that being said, there are NUMEROUS food and candy products out there that are laced with drugs, such as Marijuana and obviously this has only increased with the legalization of marijuana in certain states. Now many parents might say, “Oh I know what pot smells like, I would know if my child has it”. Well…no you wouldn’t because once pot has been infused into a food product, there is no way to tell it’s in there until AFTER the effects start happening, BUT all food products sold by a dispensary are required by law to be labeled. Parents also need to know that there have been cases of people lacing things such as Smarties with LCD and there have even been reports of flavored Meth and Heroin circulating through the U.S. Teenagers have even found a way around “suspicious prescription drug use” by melting down hard candy, mixing in crushed up prescription pills, then letting it harden. There is also THOUSANDS of type’s Ecstasy available on the streets that all contain child friendly pictures and colors.

So what do we do? Well the best offense is a good defense and what parents can do is be very mindful and aware. First and foremost, it’s a great idea to only take your child(ren) to areas in which you know the people. If that is not possible, search in your local town for churches, businesses, other organizations that are doing city wide trick or treating. Most everyone does this now just for the safety of the children and it will always be a better option that taking your child to a stranger’s home. Go through EVERYTHING in your child’s bag. Take out ANYTHING that does not have a wrapper, looks like it has been rewrapped, and/or is not in the original shape that we have come to know for most candy available. If you find anything suspicious, feel it could harmful, or know for sure it’s something harmful, DO NOT throw it out! Turn it in to your local authorities because they will be able to not only dispense of it properly, they may be able to find where it’s coming from which is helpful if someone is giving kids drugs intentionally. Personally, I would also not allow my kids to have Smarties at all, simply because they are too easy to rewrap and no one is of the wiser. While it should not have to be said, I am going to say it anyway… DO NOT let your child have ANY food items, AT ALL!!! That includes brownies, fruit, food of any kind. It’s just not worth the possible risk.
Like I said in the beginning, there are several “panic fires” that are being stoked by the press with no evidence to back them up, but as I also stated, it’s always better to be safe than sorry because who knows what could accidently end up in a person candy dish! Therefore it’s just good information to get out there! I wish everyone the best of holidays and STAY SAFE!

"Suggestions For Quality Family Time"

It's obvious that with summer drawing to a close and kids returning to school, there are fewer opportunities for quality family time. Another downside to school going back is that the overall family schedule becomes overloaded. This unfortunately can lead to parents getting in a habit of choosing those “go to” that are easier on their time constraints and as well all know, “go-to” typically translates into something involving the TV or electronics.

Therefore, in an effort to support family unity as well as be mindful of the "beat the clock" mindset, I have created a list of 45 activities families can do together. Keep in mind, not everyone will have access to every suggestion, however, I have tried to create a fairly comprehensive list with a variety of activities that will meet budget and time requirements. So I think everyone will be able to find something that will be perfect for them.

1. Go for a bike ride, regardless of distance.
2. Go see a play.
3. Go to the gym together.
4. Fold laundry (I know this seems like a bad idea, but it really can be turned into a fun activity and helpful at the same time)
5. Plant a garden or a potted plant.
6. Make a meal together.
7. Play a sport together and/or teach each other how to play.
8. Have a game night.
9. Go for a walk.
10. Have a picnic on the beach or in the park. You can pick up sea shells, go swimming, walk the dogs, play games outside, etc.
11. Paint a room in your house or re-do a room
12. Everyone can work on a puzzle together.
13. Read a book together. Again, I know this sounds odd, but my husband and I read with our kids every day. Your kids are what you teach them to be and if you want them to be excited about reading, you have to show them how.
14. Drag out all those pictures and put together a photo album.
15. Sit outside and watch the sunset
16. Try something completely new like Yoga, kickboxing, zip lining, horseback riding. There are many things offered at your local community center that are very inexpensive and sometimes free.
17. Go to the zoo.
18. Plan a special day trip to a location nearby.
19. Take dancing lessons together or just be silly and dance in your own your living room.
20. Take in a baseball game together. Many towns have a minor league baseball team and you can get tickets for about $5 (give or take).
21. You can do something that offers a little more family completion such as going bowling, roller blading, fishing, miniature golf, or hiking.
22. Go to open houses. My family does this just to get out of the house and see what we might like to do to ours.
23. Go to a coffee shop or a book store and just chill out.
24. Run/walk a marathon together.
25. Volunteer as a family.
26. Try out a flea market.
27. Sit by the fire and just talk.
28. Go camping, even if it's just in the front yard.
29. Play Frisbee
30. When it's raining, go play!
31. Try a fondue night or any new food/meal. You can even make it a weekly thing.
32. Make s’mores. If you don't have a fireplace, you can do what my family does, makes "ghetto s’mores". Take a terracotta ceramic pot, put tinfoil inside, fill it with coals, put some marshmallow on skewer sticks, and there you go!
33. Make a desert from scratch.
34. Head to a car dealer and test drive cars you’ve been dying to check out. This can be useful and fun. It's another way to get out of the house and it's a way to start teaching your kids about budgeting in an effort to save for something you really want.
35. Try out a Farmers Market
36. Make a family tree.
37. Head to a local museum
38. Make sundaes.
39. Go to an amusement park or fair.
40. Create something like a blanket fort, pillow fortress, LEGO cave, etc!
41. Have your kids’ help you create a "family goals" board showing trips you would like to take or things you would like to have one day, like that new car!
42. Clean out and organize the garage, closets, basement, or attic
43. Have a scavenger hunt!
44. Take one large vacations such white water rafting, water parks, theme parks, etc. Try not to make these larger trips frequent. When they are less frequent, it gives the kids something to really look forward to and in turn, enjoy that much more when they are able to go. It provides less opportunity to take it for granted.
45. Go swimming or just turn on the water in the yard, you can even have a water balloon/water gun fight!

I hope you enjoyed this list and also found several things to try out. Family time is so very important. Not only because it contributes to many of the necessary building blocks our children need, but also because it allows parents to take advantage of those opportunities that will not have once their children have families of their own!

"The True Power Of The Teacher/Student Relationship"

With another school year upon us, I feel it is prudent for everyone involved with our most precious resource, our children, to be open to the new ideas which can in turn provide create great success stories.

As caregivers and educators, it is all too easy for us to resort to threats and intimidation when we feel we have reached the end of our tether will our willful students, yet believe it or not, positive change can be created in even (what feels like) the most impossible cases. I am sure that at least one time, every teacher has felt they had "that student" in their class. Those children who can display behavioral issues, are non-compliant, distant, disrespectful, hard to reach, impossible to control, if not all of the above. Those students most often labeled “the bad kid”. One of the biggest mistakes that many adults make in interacting with children, including parents, is asking the question "what's WRONG with you", when you should be asking, "what's HAPPENED to you". EVERY behavior has a reason. Whether to feed a need, gain attention, protect their personal safety net, whatever, there is a reason! So instead of blaming and ridiculing a child, which will only further damage them, why not just find that reason?

During my years of working with children and families, I have had so many people ask me, "what would you do, how would you get through to them, what am I supposed to do?" My answer is always the same..."have you tried talking TO them, not talking AT them", because there is a difference and unfortunately too often adults don't realize it. When you talk to a child, when you show interest in who there are, you are meeting a need in that child that they have been trying to meet on their own with unacceptable behavior. You show the child you BELIEVE in them and that you NOTICE them. It is a basic human desire to be noticed, to be recognized, to feel as though the life of at least one person on this vast planet would be altered if we were to just vanish. Talking to a child also provides you the opportunity to find out if there is hurt or trauma present in their lives so that intervention can be given. I would stake my career on the fact that if you asked 100 "undesirable" students what was different about the one teacher they actually liked, they would tell you, "they believed I could be something!!!"

Many people look at the challenges that some of these children present in the classroom and will tell themselves its impossible so why try? I say, it's not impossible, it can be done, but what it isn't going to be is EASY! It's taken years for this child to get to the place they are...a place of being untrusting, defensive, lashing out, pushing the world away...but they had help getting there. Our children are what we teach them to be, so at least one if not more adults helped to create this situation. Do you really think you are going to change years of trauma with a couple of conversations? There are, however some steps that teachers can take to help these children get to a place that will be beneficial for everyone. So here is my challenge to our teachers…try the following steps, at least one, but all would be great!!!

Effort needs to outweigh achievement: 
It’s no classroom secret that not every child is going to achieve at the same level. The downside is we are functioning within a curriculum that is overloaded with standardized testing. The upside is that if teachers will encourage the effort side of a child, more than dwelling on the requirements of achieving at that set level as well as the consequences if they don’t, it will help to create less stress in the students combined with an increased sense of ability.

Stop using the phrase “You have failed”: 
Who has ever gotten an encouraging feeling from hearing “you have FAILED”. It sounds so definite and carries such a heavy burden of finality. It makes people feel that no amount of effort will ever get them there, so why would they bother? Instead try saying to your students “you just have gotten there YET”. Not only does it sound better, the entire statement implies there is opportunity to continue going forward.

Children should have more chances: 
Being young means you are going to make mistakes. We ALL did it, now we need to allow our children to do it for you don’t learn without first having made the mistake. Knowing that, who has the right to put an amount on the number of mistakes a person can make? We live in a country of “3 strikes and you’re out”, but this mentality only creates anxiety in others because they know that someone is counting and watching. Not to mention how many of us have experienced that illusive phenomenon of making more mistakes when you are trying too hard to get it right? This ideal also makes it too easy for some adults to say to themselves, “well, that child only gets one chance because after all, it’s not like they are going to do any different with more chances, right?

Do away with the reward system: 
Rewards, not just in the classroom, teach children to “perform” as opposed to working towards their ultimate potential nor do they foster the feeling in a child that you believe in them! A child will do what is asked of them and nothing more in hopes of getting what they were promised if they did. If you want to implement a reward system of some kind, then set it up so it creates a challenge for them such as a reward at each level they reach (DO NOT use food or toys). Let the child know, if I didn’t believe you could do this, I wouldn’t ask you to! Also make the reward something were they have “buy-in” because children are simply going to be more motivated to work towards something they actually want.

Increasing teachable moments: 
As educators and caregivers, we can all attest to the fact that when children are presented with the equation “behavior + positive choices=trips in public”, it is going to be those children who need the physical activity the most who will lose it first. How can a child possibly know how to behave in public social settings (ex. fields trips) if they are never there? When we are not successful at something, what do we do, we practice…sports, learning, music, etc…So if you want a child to be successful with their social interactions, then you need to put them in that situation or give them opportunities to have interaction. That way, when you witness the undesirable behaviors, you can use those moments as teachable moments to show the child what/how they could have done differently!

Accentuate the positive: 
Everyone wants to hear positive comments and feedback, everyone wants to know they are doing well or doing something right, everyone wants to feel as though they made someone proud. Children are no different and in fact they need it more!!! As stated earlier, every behavior has a reason. So if you want a child to display desirable behaviors and/or make good choices, then you have to show them that they can still meet the same need they are working for yet doing it in a more productive, healthy way.

"TOO Much Medication...TOO Little Education"

It should go without saying children whose live within a chaotic/traumatic environment during the years of their core development are going to present a higher than normal likelihood of possessing one or more complex trauma related/mental health needs. Since the 90’s, doctors have turned to the use of “medical straightjackets” to reign in these “undesirable” behaviors our children demonstrate as a result of said environment. What I find shocking is that even with there being factual evidence that these medications have adverse effects as well as a lack of supporting evidence towards their efficacy in children, their use has steadily been on the rise. What's even more shocking is the realization that if a child has a home life chaotic/traumatic enough to require removal, these children stand an even higher chance of being placed on medication because the rate at which children are being given mood altering drugs is higher for those involved in the welfare system.

Children in foster care are 9 times more likely to receive medications over other children involved in the Medicaid program even though these same children only account for 3% of the total children enrolled in the Medicaid program. There was a study conducted in 2008 that found children in the foster care system were being given at least one class of psychotropic drug at a rate of approximately 21%, were being given three or more at a rate of approximately 41%, and four or more at a rate of approximately 15%.

Too Many:
1. Children living within the welfare system are dosed more often than other children with psychotropic meds as a way to treat possible emotional/behavioral issues while at the same time, little to no effort is made to assess and/or provide psycho-social treatments such as therapy or skills training.

2. Some child Psychiatrists are aware there is NO evidence to support the efficacy of a child taking five or more of these drugs, yet prescriptions are still seen. In fact, since 2002, there has been an increase of 600% in children in the general population.


Too Much:
1. Another area “red flag” is the dosing measure used. Since these drugs HAVE NOT been tested on children, very few provide any type of concrete dosing guidelines.

2. Due to the absence of these guidelines, some states are and have put together their own expert panels to create them.


Too Young:
1. In 2011, the GAO (Government Accountability Office) found in 5 states that children in foster care had higher rates of usage than other children enrolled in the Medicaid program combined in those states.

2. Also found .3-2.1% of those children UNDER ONE YEAR OF AGE were taking psycho-active medications, such as Antihistamines and Benzodiazepines compared to the .2 to 1.2% not in foster care. Now for those who may not be aware, Antihistamines are used to treat allergy symptoms, but Benzodiazepines fall in the class of anti-anxiety drugs. This means while they are used a great deal to treat things like anxiety and insomnia, they are also used for muscle tightness, pre-surgical sedation, detoxification from alcohol and the anxiety experienced with cardiovascular or gastrointestinal conditions.

Regardless of the reason prescribed, NEITHER of these medications is recommended to be taken longer than 7-14 days! As parents our job is to love, educate, guide, and most importantly, PROTECT our children. Regardless of whether or not we are talking about a child in the foster care system or one residing with their family, there is more than enough information available that demonstrates there availability of effective and reliable treatments that can be used with children who suffer from trauma/mental health related disorders which do not rely solely on the use of psychotropic medications. Now there are times medication proves beneficial and at times, even necessary, but it should NEVER be the first line of defense nor should anyone rely upon it as a long-term solution.

As parents, we need to stop being afraid of doctors or offending them. We need to be asking questions as opposed to taking things at face value, even if it means getting a second opinion or even just saying no! We are our child's only voice and no one should know your child better than you. As professionals, we should be more than willing to give children the time, effort, and compassion they need to bring about change, especially considering that we are dealing with issues these children did not create themselves. Overall, until better testing and fact based results can be provided, those directly involved with these children have to be more aware, no matter what their role is.

For more information on this topic, you can find it in the following journal: Administration on children, youth, and families, 2012, “too many, too much, too young: red flags on medications and troubled children". Reclaiming: children and youth Volume 21, issue 2, summer 2012

"The World Of ADHD: UNDER-Educated and OVER-Medicated"

In America today, it seems that the "go to" method for addressing the issue of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder in children, is to do nothing but write a prescription and that includes even where there is only a suspicion of it being an issue without an actual diagnosis. From 2004-2008, there was an 80% increase globally in the amount of "Methylphenidate" given to children (Ritalin and Concerta) and the United States uses nearly 75% of the WORLD'S SUPPLY. As parents, educators and/or caregivers, we seem to have no regard for the fact that statistics do not even prove that medications are always necessary or effective to resolve ADHD.

A study considered to be the "gold standard" in ADHD studies, looked at over 600 children with this issue, comparing those utilizing medication therapy alone, behavioral therapy alone, or a combination of both and measured them all on 20 different dimensions. At first, the results show that medication or medication plus behavioral therapy were the best options for parents. However, after a 36-month period, those results had faded dramatically and when long term sustainability was taken into account, medication therapy alone was actually found to be very ineffective providing only temporary relief to behavioral problems. After 8 years, the effects of medication therapy showed no evidence of being able to create change in behavior or academic standing. Those who had received behavioral therapy ,showed just the opposite, meaning they demonstrate more sustainable changes that could be maintained even after the therapy had stopped.

Simply put, medication alone should NOT be considered a long-term solution to helping children with ADHD and greater focus needs to be put on behavioral therapy. While attention-deficit drugs can increase concentration in the SHORT TERM (hence the reason they are effective on college students who are trying to cram for finals) there is just no evidence to support that believing in any way that giving them to children for the purpose of creating change in behavior or academic performance over long periods of time is beneficial. Not to mention the side effects that these drugs can bring with them such as nervousness, agitation, anxiety, insomnia, loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, palpitations, headache, increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, stunting ones growth, and psychosis.

I find it incredibly scary to think that we are medicating children with no real concept of what the side effects are or what the impact will be. The brain of a child is absolutely not the same as an adults which means we cannot give them controlled substances in doses we would give to adults. We do need further studies to point us in the right direction so that we do not end up using medication that produces long-term harm because we are satisfied with short-term success, but until that happens, parents have to be the voice for their children. they need to educate themselves on the differences between age appropriate behaviors and undesirable ones. Parents need to not be afraid to question doctors or teachers when they are being told to medicate their child. There is a time and place for children to receive these medications, but it is not without receiving the opinion of a psychologist who is qualified to diagnosis childhood issues.

At the end of the day, we cannot refuse to speak up for children, start giving them controlled substances at a young age, and then stand back and wonder how they become addicted as teenagers!

Understanding The Introvert...

I am someone who works closely everyday with kids and families and most assume that because of this, my personality type would be extroverted, but they would be wrong for while I do fall into many pre-established stereotypes, being an extroverted is not one of them. I am in fact an Introvert and one of the primary distinction for me and others like me to help others tell us apart is that we are friendly, not shy.

Everyone has their own personal limits created for themselves to cope with the world around them and one of ours happens to be "people time". However, even when we get close to our limit, shutting down and shutting out is hard for us and there are several reasons for this. Mainly because of the worlds view of introversion. I spend numerous hours each week helping others and while I love doing it, Introverts must balance work time and quiet time to avoid the constant bombardment of interaction. Unfortunately, there are many times that even the hint of desiring alone time is taken so personal by the other party, it is met head on with judgment, guilt trips, and/or indignation. This causes us to live lives of "making the best of it", and often pushing ourselves to be more social, even when we are exhausted, all because we don't want to inconvenience others. Sadly many Introverts feel extroversion is more prized in our society while introversion is viewed merely as a “second-class" personality trait that lies somewhere between a disappointment and a pathology. Obviously, it is none of those things and instead is how we are hard wired.

Here are some little known facts about Introverts:

Fact: Introverts DO like to engage in conversation and will even do so...
Many people assume that being introverted means you don't like to talk which is highly untrue. The difference for us is that we don’t talk unless we have something to say and we HATE small talk. I realize in the booming, social networking overload era that we live in, this is an oddity. The flip side of all this is if you are able to get an Introvert talking about something we are truly interested in, you probably won't get us to shut up for days. Ask me, I'll show ya!

Fact: Introverts DO like people...
Introverts will not have a large number of friends, but the few we do have, we place an immensely high value on i.e. treasure them dearly and those who truly know me, know how accurate that statement is. I can probably count on one hand my "close friends", as is true with all Introverts, but what society needs to remember, is that if an introvert classifies you as a friend, you should consider yourself EXTREMELY lucky. The reason being, you have gained one of the strongest allies you will ever have and unless you do something intentionally to harm them (emotionally, physically, psychologically, etc) you will have one for life. Once you have earned the respect of an introverted person as being someone of substance, you're golden!

Fact: Introverts DO know how to relax and have fun...
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature as opposed to busy public places. For example, my idea of a perfect vacation is a place with history and culture, not a place with noise and lights. Introverts are also not thrill seekers or adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, we simply shut down from overload because our brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways, look it up! I have many times, had a panic attack and had to leave some situations because they became too much. Hence the reason most of us avoid things like “Black Friday” or other holiday shopping.

Fact: Introverts ARE NOT aloof nerds...
We are people who primarily look inward and pay close attention to our thoughts and emotions. It’s not that we are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around us, it’s just that our inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to us. I think it speaks a great deal about a person's confidence if they are able to be alone with themselves and also be okay with it.

Fact: Introverts DO NOT always want to be alone...
It is true that since Introverts think a great deal, all the time about all kinds of things, we are perfectly comfortable with our thoughts and we also daydream a lot. In fact, when I was younger, I did it so much they wanted to put me in special education classes. It's true that we like to have problems to work on and puzzles to solve, but none of that means that we do not also get incredibly lonely when we don’t have someone to share our discoveries with. We crave AUTHENTIC and SINCERE connection with ONE PERSON at a time, but it is those three requirements that tend to make things tricky for people.

Fact: Introverts ARE NOT shy
It was stated in the beginning of the article that shyness has nothing to do with who we are. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people and rather need a reason to interact. We are simply just not people who are able to take part in that pastime, "interacting for interactions sake" and there is nothing wrong with people who do. However, we do want people to recognize that there is nothing wrong with us if we don't. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking! We are not consumed with what is polite or political correct because we are just not that fragile!

Fact: Introverts ARE NOT rude...
For those who truly know me, I know this will come as a surprise, but we often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. We want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this has become unacceptable in today’s times, so we often feel a lot of pressure just to fit in, which personally is exhausting. So we would rather not bother all together.

Fact: Introverts ARE NOT weird...
I am not sure of too many people in my life that would not agree, I am definitely weird, but it is not because I am Introverted. Introverts are just individualists who do not in any way want to follow the crowd. It should never be viewed as a curse or an infliction to prefer the value in novel ways of living or being capable of thinking for yourself. Our ability to consistently challenge the norm and not make the majority of our decisions based upon what is popular or trendy should be seen as something to be envied, not cured! We are non-conformists who do in fact choose the road less traveled and are often pioneers in our time!

Fact: Introverts DO like to go out in public...
To label all introverts as being unable and/or unwilling to go out in public is not only nonsense, it's unfair when in fact we do, we just don’t like to go FOR AS LONG, again for a few reasons. For one, we prefer to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. Another reason is because we are able to take in data and experiences very quickly. As a result, we don’t need to be there for an extended period of time to “get it" which in turn means we are ready to go home sooner to recharge and process it all. Recharging is absolutely CRUCIAL for Introverts.

Fact: Introverts CANNOT fix themselves and become Extroverts...
A world without Introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers. That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an Extrovert can learn in order to interact with Introverts because Introverts cannot “fix themselves”. It is who we are and deserve respect for our natural temperament as well as the contributions we provide to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that introversion and intelligence are positively correlated in that the higher the level of a person's introversion, the higher their I.Q.

Much of this can be summed up in saying, we all have boundaries and we all need to demonstrate respect for those boundaries, especially in regards to our children. We all have our own ways of communicating our needs and wants and when you truly love a person, there is a willingness to meet them at their level as opposed to trying to force them to meet yours. Children on the other hand do not always possess the ability to communicate their feelings and needs which requires us to not only be in tune to ourselves, but also be in tune to those around us. We need to move past these stereotypes that proclaim just because a person prefers to be alone at times, enjoys activities alone, and is not the first in line for social events, it absolutely must mean they are depressed, negative, antisocial, avoidant, unapproachable, or sad. These labels can be EXTREMELY damaging to a child, especially when all they are trying to do is be themselves because that's what we tell them they need to do. Yet when we won't allow them to, on top of actively damaging their self-esteem, we are confusing them on a constant basis.

It is destructive and unproductive for the world to try and force others to be something they are not simply because creates feelings of discomfort or inconvenience. Introverts are by nature harder to read, harder to get to know, and harder to get information from which means effort for those on the outside and we have proven in this day and age, most anything involving a great deal of effort is usually dismissed as irrelevant and/or unimportant. Due to the level of judgment and attempts towards forced change that Introverts face, they have a higher probability of hating themselves and others because of their differences. Therefore the burden for change does not rest solely on the shoulders of the Introverts. We simply have to stop the further advancement of an enabling world that is constantly forcing Introverts to move out of our comfort zones for the comfort of themselves or others for it will only continue to create unnecessary anxiety and stress for our children. This could cause them to act out behaviorally as well as develop emotional difficulties. This world is hard enough to bear each day without added pressure from those around us so there is a need for Extroverts to recognize and respect the Introvert, but we also need to respect ourselves!

Understanding the Inrovert...

I am someone who works closely everyday with kids and families and most assume that because of this, my personality type would be extroverted, but they would be wrong for while I do fall into many pre-established stereotypes, being an extroverted is not one of them. I am in fact an Introvert and one of the primary distinction for me and others like me to help others tell us apart is that we are friendly, not shy.

Everyone has their own personal limits created for themselves to cope with the world around them and one of ours happens to be "people time".  However, even when we get close to our limit, shutting down and shutting out is hard for us and there are several reasons for this. Mainly because of the worlds view of introversion. I spend numerous hours each week helping others and while I love doing it, Introverts must balance work time and quiet time to avoid the constant bombardment of interaction. Unfortunately, there are many times that even the hint of desiring alone time is taken so personal by the other party, it is met head on with judgment, guilt trips, and/or indignation. This causes us to live lives of "making the best of it", and often pushing ourselves to be more social, even when we are exhausted, all because we don't want to inconvenience others. Sadly many Introverts feel extroversion is more prized in our society while introversion is viewed merely as a “second-class" personality trait that lies somewhere between a disappointment and a pathology. Obviously, it is none of those things and instead is how we are hard wired.
Here are some little known facts about Introverts:

Fact: Introverts DO like to engage in conversation and will even do so...
Many people assume that being introverted means you don't like to talk which is highly untrue. The difference for us is that we don’t talk unless we have something to say and we HATE small talk. I realize in the booming, social networking overload era that we live in, this is an oddity. The flip side of all this is if you are able to get an Introvert talking about something we are truly interested in, you probably won't get us to shut up for days. Ask me, I'll show ya!

Fact: Introverts DO like people...
Introverts will not have a large number of friends, but the few we do have, we place an immensely high value on i.e. treasure them dearly and those who truly know me, know how accurate that statement is. I can probably count on one hand my "close friends", as is true with all Introverts, but what society needs to remember, is that if an introvert classifies you as a friend, you should consider yourself EXTREMELY lucky. The reason being, you have gained one of the strongest allies you will ever have and unless you do something intentionally to harm them (emotionally, physically, psychologically, etc) you will have one for life. Once you have earned the respect of an introverted person as being someone of substance, you're golden!

Fact: Introverts DO know how to relax and have fun...
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature as opposed to busy public places. For example, my idea of a perfect vacation is a place with history and culture, not a place with noise and lights. Introverts are also not thrill seekers or adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, we simply shut down from overload because our brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways, look it up! I have many times, had a panic attack and had to leave some situations because they became too much. Hence the reason most of us avoid things like “Black Friday” or other holiday shopping.

Fact: Introverts ARE NOT aloof nerds...
We are people who primarily look inward and pay close attention to our thoughts and emotions. It’s not that we are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around us, it’s just that our inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to us. I think it speaks a great deal to someone's confidence if they are able to be alone with themselves and also be okay with it.

Fact: Introverts DO NOT always want to be alone...
It is true that since Introverts think a great deal, all the time about all kinds of things, we are perfectly comfortable with our thoughts and we also daydream a lot. In fact, when I was younger, I did it so much they wanted to put me in special education classes. It's true that we like to have problems to work on and puzzles to solve, but none of that means that we do not also get incredibly lonely when we don’t have someone to share our discoveries with. We crave AUTHENTIC and SINCERE connection with ONE PERSON at a time, but it is those three requirements that tend to make things tricky for people.

Fact: Introverts ARE NOT shy
It was stated in the beginning of the article that shyness has nothing to do with who we are. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people and rather need a reason to interact. We are simply just not people who are able to take part in that pastime, "interacting for interactions sake" and there is nothing wrong with people who do. However, we do want people to recognize that there is nothing wrong with us if we don't. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking! We are not consumed with what is polite or political correct because we are just not that fragile!

Fact: Introverts ARE NOT rude...
For those who truly know me, I know this will come as a surprise, but we often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. We want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this has become unacceptable in today’s times, so we often feel a lot of pressure just to fit in, which personally is exhausting. So we would rather not bother all together.

Fact: Introverts ARE NOT weird...
I am not sure of too many people in my life that would not agree, I am definitely weird, but it is not because I am Introverted. Introverts are just individualists who do not in any way want to follow the crowd. It should never be viewed as a curse or an infliction to prefer the value in novel ways of living or being capable of thinking for yourself. Our ability to consistently challenge the norm and not make the majority of our decisions based upon what is popular or trendy should be seen as something to be envied, not cured! We are non-conformists who do in fact choose the road less traveled and are often pioneers in our time!

Fact: Introverts DO like to go out in public...
To label all introverts as being unable and/or unwilling to go out in public is not only nonsense, it's unfair when in fact we do, we just don’t like to go FOR AS LONG, again for a few reasons. For one, we prefer to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. Another reason is because we are able to take in data and experiences very quickly. As a result, we don’t need to be there for an extended period of time to “get it" which in turn means we are ready to go home sooner to recharge and process it all. Recharging is absolutely CRUCIAL for Introverts.

Fact: Introverts CANNOT fix themselves and become Extroverts...
A world without Introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers. That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an Extrovert can learn in order to interact with Introverts because Introverts cannot “fix themselves”. It is who we are and deserve respect for our natural temperament as well as the contributions we provide to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that introversion and intelligence are positively correlated in that the higher the level of a person's introversion, the higher their I.Q.

Much of this can be summed up in saying, we all have boundaries and we all need to demonstrate respect for those boundaries, especially in regards to our children. We all have our own ways of communicating our needs and wants and when you truly love a person, there is a willingness to meet them at their level as opposed to trying to force them to meet yours. Children on the other hand do not always possess the ability to communicate their feelings and needs which requires us to not only be in tune to ourselves, but also be in tune to those around us. We need to move past these stereotypes that proclaim just because a person prefers to be alone at times, enjoys activities alone, and is not the first in line for social events, it absolutely must mean they are depressed, negative, antisocial, avoidant, unapproachable, or sad. These labels can be EXTREMELY damaging to a child, especially when all they are trying to do is be themselves because that's what we tell them they need to do. Yet when we won't allow them to, on top of actively damaging their self-esteem, we are confusing them on a constant basis.

It is destructive and unproductive for the world to try and force others to be something they are not simply because creates feelings of discomfort or inconvenience. Introverts are by nature harder to read, harder to get to know, and harder to get information from which means effort for those on the outside and we have proven in this day and age, most anything involving a great deal of effort is usually dismissed as irrelevant and/or unimportant. Due to the level of judgment and attempts towards forced change that Introverts face, they have a higher probability of hating themselves and others because of their differences. Therefore the burden for change does not rest solely on the shoulders of the Introverts. We simply have to stop the further advancement of an enabling world that is constantly forcing Introverts to move out of our comfort zones for the comfort of themselves or others for it will only continue to create unnecessary anxiety and stress for our children. This could cause them to act out behaviorally as well as develop emotional difficulties. This world is hard enough to bear each day without added pressure from those around us so there is a need for Extroverts to recognize and respect the Introvert, but we also need to respect ourselves!