Self-Regulation is still a fairly new concept, but research has consistently demonstrated that effective Self-Regulation is a vital skill necessary for reliable emotional well-being. However, like other skills, it is not something we born with and instead, develop over time. As we grown and learn, we develop control over our emotions, over our behaviors, and determine how best to respond to certain situations. Since emotion very much drives behavior, it’s important that we understand the concept of Self-Regulation as it pertains to both behavior and emotion.
Looking at the behavior aspect, Self-Regulation is defined as the ability to act in your long-term best interest with your deepest values on a consistent basis. What we often face in our day to day interactions, are violations against our deepest values which creates feelings of guilt, shame, and anxiety. Not only are these the antithesis of “overall emotional well-being”, but they are feelings that will drive negative behavior. If we look at it in terms of emotions, Self-Regulation is defined as the ability to calm yourself when you become frustrated or upset as well as uplift yourself when you feel sad or down. With all that being said, in order for a person to understand Self-Regulation, they must also understand the basic foundations of emotions, more importantly, feelings. To put it bluntly, emotions “move us” and prepare us for action. Bottom of Form, but regardless of the action intended, all emotions will have the same three motivators: Approach, Avoid, or Attack!
1. Approach is driven by a desire to get “more”…More of anything. Emotionally speaking, you will see this in a form of things such as enjoyment, compassion, love, interest, etc. Behaviorally speaking it will appear in positive ways such as negotiation, cooperation, encouragement, protection, etc.
2. Avoid is driven by the desire of wanting to get away with something and in turn you will automatically lower its value or purpose in your life. Behaviorally speaking, this will appear in the form of ignoring, dismissal, or rejection.
3. Attack is driven by exactly what it sounds like. A desire to criticize, insult, demean, harm, dominate, or destroy something or someone. Emotionally speaking, this appears in forms of anger, contempt, even disgust and behaviorally speaking you will see it appear through manipulation, demands, threats, and even bullying.
So what are feelings? Feelings are the most misunderstood component of emotions simply because they are complex and ever-changing. Our moods can be affected by the weather, physical states such as illness, our environment or people in it, psychological responses such as depression, and numerous other things. As humans, our tendency is to avoid actively focusing on feelings and instead just the overall mood…in other words, we “feel”, but we don’t “think” about what we feel. The thought process behind our feelings typically only comes when someone asks us specifically, “what are you feeling?” The problem with this question is that when we focus solely on anything, it just makes it more intense for us and since we tend to already be uncomfortable by what we are feeling, increasing the intensity, is only going to be more upsetting. In regards to Self-Regulation, this creates a problem because it’s really only attainable when the person’s feelings are not distorted through overall amplification.
So let’s put all of this into context…
When a person simply states “I feel bad” all the attention is aimed towards the “bad” feeling alone and typically there is an automatic need created to justify and/or explain the “bad” feeling i.e. putting the responsibility of the feeling on another person or situation. In other words, they begin “blaming” instead of “identifying”! However, if you encourage them to focus on a statement such as “this is the reason I feel bad” it will help to keep them focused on what’s truly wrong as opposed to generalizing and/or fabricating.
Feelings are important because feelings drive behaviors, but they are not the MOST important aspect. When the “why” of the feeling is not found, it is harder to create beneficial behavior. Put another way, every behavior has a reason so the key is to “find the why” in the feeling that in turn is behind the behavior. When we are talking about children, how we view their actions needs to always be put into context. Not every behavior can be disciplined out of a child and in fact, very few can. As I stated, our behaviors are driven by our emotions so the only way a child will be able to alter their undesirable behaviors, is to first understand what caused the feeling that is driving it. With that being said, a person’s ability to Self-Regulate is something that we as society take for granted, just as we do so many things about human nature. We too often forget “that a person cannot demonstrate or display that which they were not taught”. Meaning, children are what their parents teach them to be so when a child misses out on certain life skills, how do we expect them to do it as an adult? So as parents and caregivers, we need to assist them in learning to identify “WHY they feel bad” and not just “they feel bad”. Knowing how to calm oneself is an important and necessary life-long skill so the more opportunities children have to address inappropriate situations, the more it will create in them the ability to identify/verbalize their own “whys”. Overall, this will lead to children who are able to modify their own undesirable behaviors as opposed to relying on an adult to emotionally rescue them when their feelings make them uncomfortable.
No comments:
Post a Comment