I am consistently stating to the parents I work with who complain that their child doesn't listen when they try to help, that it could have something to do with your connection to them. The sharing of DNA does guarantee the sharing of deep thoughts and feelings, that is a privilege you have to earn...even from your own child!
If you have made no effort to truly build an emotional bridge from you to your child and have only "demanded" to get what you want based upon the fact that you are the parent, you are not only wasting your time, you are doing further damage to an already fragile relationship. Would you share your deepest secrets with a neighbor if they just walked up and asked for them? Probably not because while you "know of" that person, you don't "KNOW" that person. Anyone can put the initials "Dr." in front of their name, but they don't mean anything unless a person has earned them. The terms "mother" and "father" are no different. They are nothing more than titles unless you put in the work required to make them mean something.
I came across this article and found it to be greatly informative and extremely insightful to those who are parenting teenagers and of course wanted to share it. Please note, I DID NOT write this article and am only passing on it's benefit...
Communicating with Apathetic Teenagers
By Joseph Grenny
Dear Crucial Skills,
I just watched Joseph Grenny's "How to Hold Those You Love Accountable" video and although I thought it was good, I would like to know how to deal with teenagers who don't see things as clearly. Both kids in the example well up in tears and seem extremely mature in their response.
What happens when you take this same approach and they just roll their eyes, say they don't want to talk about their feelings, and to just get on with it? What about when they've heard it all before from adults who really wanted to empathize and they simply like doing drugs or throwing parties? They see the benefit (popularity, hot girls, easy rush, etc.) and wish the old folks would just stop nagging. They're right and you are wrong. What do you do then?
Signed,
Giving Up
Dear Giving Up,
With your permission I will speak very personally. You are asking a question that strikes at the heart of what parenting has meant to me. My opinions about your situation have been informed by twenty-seven years of learning to have intimate relationships with imperfect people. People like me.
For those who haven't seen the video, I shared a story of a young man at an alternative high school who was addicted to drugs and was caught using them in school. I also described how one of my teenage children threw a massive party at our home while my wife and I were away. The point I wanted to illustrate is, if we try to address accountability with those we love in the absence of emotional connection, we often provoke defensiveness. However, if we pay the price to connect emotionally first, they are more likely to feel naturally accountable for the effect their actions have on others. True accountability is the fruit of emotional connection. Anything less is little more than compulsion.
Trust me, my life hasn't been a series of photo ops. It's been more valley than peak. I feel your pain when your best efforts seem to yield no influence. And I know the agony of watching those I love squander sacred potential. So, what do you do when, in spite of your best efforts to empathize, connect, listen, and validate others, the result is a shoulder shrug? Here are my beliefs about how to create healthy relationships with imperfect people.
1. I am responsible for influence, not results.
By Joseph Grenny
Dear Crucial Skills,
I just watched Joseph Grenny's "How to Hold Those You Love Accountable" video and although I thought it was good, I would like to know how to deal with teenagers who don't see things as clearly. Both kids in the example well up in tears and seem extremely mature in their response.
What happens when you take this same approach and they just roll their eyes, say they don't want to talk about their feelings, and to just get on with it? What about when they've heard it all before from adults who really wanted to empathize and they simply like doing drugs or throwing parties? They see the benefit (popularity, hot girls, easy rush, etc.) and wish the old folks would just stop nagging. They're right and you are wrong. What do you do then?
Signed,
Giving Up
Dear Giving Up,
With your permission I will speak very personally. You are asking a question that strikes at the heart of what parenting has meant to me. My opinions about your situation have been informed by twenty-seven years of learning to have intimate relationships with imperfect people. People like me.
For those who haven't seen the video, I shared a story of a young man at an alternative high school who was addicted to drugs and was caught using them in school. I also described how one of my teenage children threw a massive party at our home while my wife and I were away. The point I wanted to illustrate is, if we try to address accountability with those we love in the absence of emotional connection, we often provoke defensiveness. However, if we pay the price to connect emotionally first, they are more likely to feel naturally accountable for the effect their actions have on others. True accountability is the fruit of emotional connection. Anything less is little more than compulsion.
Trust me, my life hasn't been a series of photo ops. It's been more valley than peak. I feel your pain when your best efforts seem to yield no influence. And I know the agony of watching those I love squander sacred potential. So, what do you do when, in spite of your best efforts to empathize, connect, listen, and validate others, the result is a shoulder shrug? Here are my beliefs about how to create healthy relationships with imperfect people.
1. I am responsible for influence, not results.
The instant I
measure my "success" by others' choices, I am living a lie. The lie
is that I can—or should—control others. I can't. I shouldn't. The very wish to
do so is the root cause of every form of misery for myself and others. It leads
to anger, despair, depression, compulsion, and pride. During our children's
infancy, we parents get seduced into the delusion that we can mold them as we
please. The truth is, we are responsible to offer a worthy example, provide
coaching, give support, and surrender the rest.
2. Everyone learns on their own schedule.
Over the years, I've
created enormous stress for myself and family members by unconsciously planning
the lives of my children on a normative schedule. I had tacit expectations of
where they should be by age eight, twelve, sixteen, eighteen, and so on. Mind
you, I wasn’t aware I was doing this. It was more of an expectation I absorbed
by comparing myself with "successful" parents around me. It wasn't
until one child after another deviated from that plan that I became aware I had
it in the first place. It showed up in feelings of panic or discouragement. It
showed up in behavior like bargaining, bribing, and criticizing. I have arrived
at a very different place today. I feel an immense respect for the uniqueness of
each of my children. I have enormous faith that they are learning creatures and
that they each need to learn in their own way and on their own schedule. If
you'll allow a very personal aside, I also believe this learning schedule
exceeds this life. I get to take part in that learning at times, but my role is
much smaller than the illusory one I have so often coveted.
3. Influence can only be granted, not taken.
3. Influence can only be granted, not taken.
My children grant
it to me at their pleasure—and tend to do so only when they believe they can
trust my intent. In the worst of cases, children surrender enormous influence
because we've convinced them of their own incompetence. They adopt every habit
and aspiration we advocate because they can hardly distinguish the boundaries
of their own identity from ours. The other extreme happens when they resent
your attempt to violate their agency so much that your attempts to control
become the issue. You unintentionally impede their ability to learn from their
mistakes because they are distracted by their resentment of your intrusions
into their choices.
Healthy influence happens when children are fundamentally convinced your only intent is to help them accomplish their own worthy goals, not to impose your own. This redefines parenting as a process of enabling their discovery of their own uniqueness, worth, and mission. And it gives you a small but privileged view of that unfolding. At times they'll make monumentally stupid decisions (as did you and I). With adult children, we slow their learning when we either fight these choices or rescue them from them. Instead, our role is to help them know we believe in them, and be ready to offer feedback and counsel when—and only when—they give us permission to do so.
I hope you don't hear any of this as glib. I know the pain of parental disappointment—and even agony. I've come to understand, at times, that making the choice to love is making a choice to suffer. But that suffering need not turn to misery if I understand my role. When I do, I increase the likelihood of experiencing the surpassing joy that comes from being such an intimate part of another person's life.
With love,
Joseph
Healthy influence happens when children are fundamentally convinced your only intent is to help them accomplish their own worthy goals, not to impose your own. This redefines parenting as a process of enabling their discovery of their own uniqueness, worth, and mission. And it gives you a small but privileged view of that unfolding. At times they'll make monumentally stupid decisions (as did you and I). With adult children, we slow their learning when we either fight these choices or rescue them from them. Instead, our role is to help them know we believe in them, and be ready to offer feedback and counsel when—and only when—they give us permission to do so.
I hope you don't hear any of this as glib. I know the pain of parental disappointment—and even agony. I've come to understand, at times, that making the choice to love is making a choice to suffer. But that suffering need not turn to misery if I understand my role. When I do, I increase the likelihood of experiencing the surpassing joy that comes from being such an intimate part of another person's life.
With love,
Joseph
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