The Problem Is Not Our Schools...

In light of the recent events in Connecticut and like with any major tragedy in the United States, society is now up in knots over the safety our schools, over the security offered, and over gun control laws. Honestly, I feel like it is keeping in tradition with what I have said for years and that is we are a nation and a society full of reactive and not proactive people.

To address the issues people have with being afraid to send our kids to school, was it not long ago that one of these shootings happened in a movie theater and not long before that it happened in a shopping mall? Clearly these tragedies can happen anywhere so what are parents going to do? Keep your kids at home forever? Never let them out of your sight? Can't be done. As parents we worry every time we send them out into the world and that is not going to change so everyone screaming "I am never going to send my kids to school again", not the answer.

As far as the security in our schools. Well I really think the schools and the parents within those schools have to make that determination for themselves and their area, not the general public deciding what is best for everyone. However, I also don't think that making our kids feel like they are going to school in prison or a war zone is the answer either. I also know that it has been stated in the news today that the shooter in this situation FORCED himself into the school, he didn't just walk in willy nilly. Proving not only that every one's comments about people just having free reign to walk into schools and do things like this are completely false, but also, once again, proving that we are entirely too reactive!

As far as taking away people's right to have guns period, come on...really? I do not have a gun myself, but my father owns enough to take over a small country and I also grew up shooting them regularly and still enjoy doing it now. However, for the sake of giggles, let's play this argument out. If we are going to take away this vehicle that contributes to crime, then we need to take away all cars to avoid drunk driving accidents. Then we need to take away all knives to avoid stabbings. Then we need to become a dry nation with no alcohol to do away with all fights, domestic violence incidents, and other crimes that are directly alcohol induced. Then we need to do away with all technology and Internet so we can get rid of things like cyber-bullying, cyber-stalking, identity theft, and all other crimes that are assisted and/or only made possible through technology. Sounds insane right? Well if we are going to entertain one argument you can't very well not entertain all of them, so where does it stop? The problem is not the vehicle or tool used, it is the person utilizing it!

Just  my opinion, but I think what could really help situations such as these, is better mental health care across the board. Now I will say I don't know for a fact that mental illness played a part in these shootings, but I will say as a person with common sense, if you are 20 years old and decide to walk into an elementary school with four guns to open fire on children, you are probably not functioning on the same level as a person with all their faculties.  As a society, we treat people with mental illness like we do the homeless, like they are less than and don't matter. The fact of the matter is, mental illness is either something you are born with because of genetics or something that was FORCED on you due to extreme circumstances, usually in childhood. These people need help, not judgment. They are human beings who deserve some compassion and people need to remember mental illness is something that could just as easily happen to you or someone you love as it could happen to anyone else. We do have gun laws for criminals so I believe another thing that would help would be gun laws for people with mental illness. I'm not naïve enough to think this will in anyway completely solve the problem because ultimately if someone really wants a gun, they are going to get one. However, while people with mental illness do deserve and need compassion and respect, we also have to remember that not all of them are capable of making decisions that are in the best interest of themselves or others, let alone the safest.

I don't think there is ever going to be a perfect answer on how to ensure our kids or society as a whole are going to be completely safe because unfortunately, we live in a world where bad things happen. What I do feel is we need to stop reacting from our hearts and prejudices and start reacting from our heads. I said this exact same thing in regards to the sex offender registry and those labeled as "sex offenders." A great deal of people really hated my statements about that, but I am here to tell you a police chief, a warden, and several criminal justice professors, LOVED what I had to say by stating it made them really think about how much that system should be changed, something they never even considered before. Call it arrogant, that's fine, but I believe when you do something you are proud of and people acknowledge it, there is nothing wrong with being proud of it yourself. However, that was another article and I am off topic. I whole heartedly believe one of the biggest issues holding us back as a nation is the fact that every time there is an injustice or something we can't explain, we react from our guts and not our brains. That is fear. When bad things happen that people can't understand or explain, it makes people afraid. That fear makes them react in ways that are often not reasonable. Fear is normal, fear is a part of life, but fear cannot be made the foundation for our decisions as a nation. I think until we change that, we may find change in other places to be slow coming, if at all!

I have lost a child so I do know that pain, but I only knew my child for four and half hours. Those hours were beautiful, they were precious, but they were short. I have also said many times, that while my loss was so very difficult, I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to lose one of my other children who, for so many years, I have watched grow and develop, just as I will not compare it to someone else's child. A child who was with them long enough to make memories, to share joy, to share in their life. Even more so, I will not compare my loss to those who have lost a child at the hands of someone else's anger or someone else's selfishness. I am speaking only for myself when I say, I don't feel it is the same. Believing that and feeling that, I want to add that my heart and my prayers go out to all those affected so deeply and personally by this tragedy. In as situation such as this, I know these words really sound hollow and empty and they change nothing, but please know you are thought of. I would also like to say again, as I have many times, that heroes are not just those who wear uniforms. The adults who thought nothing of their own lives or safety in an effort to sacrifice for these children are a prime example of that and they should be forever recognized for it!

The Road Of A Man: What I Feel Our Young Boys Need To Learn (Dedicated To My Sons)

Eighteen years ago I found myself in the same predicament that many young teenage girls do today when I took a pregnancy test and it gave the ill fated result of "positive". Also like so many girls, I was scared and I knew I would be doing it alone (as far as the father goes). I had at least graduated from high school, but when we are talking about nearly two decades ago, being teenage mom had not become the phenomenon it is today. It was a very "in house", hush hush subject. There was one thing I was sure of from the day I found out I was pregnant and that was I knew he would be a boy and I knew he would look just like his father. I was right. He had many struggles coming into this world and in fact almost didn't make it, but he was a fighter like his mother and he has continued to fight all his life. Today, that young man, my son Jesse also turns 18 and as a mother it is such a bitter sweet feeling. I know the world says he is an adult, but to me he is only 18 and has so much more growing to do. Please do not mistake that for me saying I am anything other than extraordinarily proud of the person he has become and will continue to turn into.

I feel having taught, shaped, and molded this young man, having done the same for his brother for eleven years, having watching Jesse's father walk away from him, having been married to James' father who has made some poor choices, having been engaged once after that to a selfish, angry, infantile man, and now being married to what I believe is the pentacle of what all men should be, has all contributed to me developing my own list of characteristics of what mothers should teach their little boys to help them become tremendous husbands and fathers. Now as with everything I write, I don't think my way is the only way or the right way, I just use my experience and hope it helps others. However, I will say if you have ever met my sons and/or interacted with any of the other men mentioned above, I think you would agree I have learned at least a few things.

1. Teach them to love God.
2. Teach them to love themselves.
3. Teach them to have feelings, to know what those feelings are, and that saying them out loud is okay.
4. Teach them to not only live with integrity, but to know what integrity is.
5. Teach them to be honest and that a person is truly only a good as their word.
6. Teach them that a promise should mean something and when they give one, they need to keep it.
7. Teach them responsibility.
8. Teach them that men can do the dishes, the laundry, vacuum, and clean bathrooms too.
9. Teach them having sex is easy, but the emotional commitment is what takes maturity and that they don't possess it in their teenage years.
10. Teach them how serious raising kids actually is and how if they make a baby, they need to plan to be there for that baby.
11. Teach them to not place so much value in surface beauty or material things.
12. Teach them to be silly.
13. Teach them the art of chivalry. It is something the world has lost and needs more of.
14. Teach them that when a girl is crying, it's not funny and to make one cry in anger is never okay.
15. Teach them to help others.
16. Teach them it is wrong to take advantage of people.
17. Teach them being a bully is not cool and it's not funny.
18. Teach them alcohol is not their friend.
19. Teach them to never, ever, ever, ever hit a woman.
20. Teach them hugging is not for sissies.
21. Teach them tea party's and dress up with their daughters is okay for grown men too.
22. Teach them the man they are is the man their son will be.
23. Teach them to say "I Love You", out loud, and often.
24. Teach them that real men do cry.
25. Teach them it doesn't make you a wimp to leave the guys when a girl calls and any girl that truly loves him will do the same.
26. Teach them to love their mommas, but to know when to let go.
27. Teach them to never settle for less in love, in their career, or in life.
28. Teach them to have dreams other than when they are sleeping.
29. Teach them good, strong, old fashioned family values.
30. Teach them to dance with their wives...and their daughters.
31. Teach them words hurt.
32. Teach them failure and mistakes happen. It's part of growing up. The value is in what you take away from the mistakes and failures. However, the first time is a mistake, the second time is a choice.
33. Teach them winning isn't everything.
34. Teach them to be a good person.
35. Teach them once something is said, it's said, and "sorry" doesn't always fix it. The lesson is to be careful what you say.
36. Teach them that giving their heart to a girl is not a bad thing, but be sure the girl is going to protect it as he should hers because a persons heart is not a toy.
37. Teach them their heart will get broken, but it will also heal.
38.Teach them that hate and anger are powerful poisons and forgiveness is the only cure, but they also need to know forgiveness isn't about the other person, its for ourselves. However, sometimes we can say or do things that cannot be fixed and for that we must...
39.  Teach them accountability.
40. Above all, teach them you only get one life and it's up to you how you live it. Your choices are your responsibility, no one else's and you have to own them, good, bad, or indifferent.

Please don't think my sons have mastered all these things, but I would like to think some day they will. I can tell you it is my goal and I can tell you I have a husband who I believe possesses them all so that is definitely an advantage. I guess more than anything I just want my oldest son Jesse, who as I said turns 18 today, to know how unbelievably proud I am to be his mother and to have him for a son. I made a lot of jokes while he was growing up that I wanted to get him out of high school without a baby or an addiction. Well in six months he will not only be graduating, but he will be doing so as top 10 in his class, in the National Honor Society, with a 3.6 GPA, as having been a mentor, as having been a fully dedicated athlete since the 7th grade, and as having been one remarkable son for 18 years. He has more than surpassed all the stereotypes there are in regards to the sons of teenage mothers, the stereotypes about sons who don't have consistent fathers around, and the stereotypes about young men being raised by single mothers. He has continued to bypass stereotypes all his life and I have no doubt he will continue to do so. I also have no doubt his brother will also continue to do so. This is because, I REFUSE, regardless of what science says, to believe that genes help determine the person's personality. I believe it is their environment. The values, the ethics, the morals, and the overall characteristics you put into a person that is going to make them.

Our children are what we teach them to be and what I listed above is what I am and what I hope to teach my sons to be. I hope you have the greatest of birthdays Jesse for this is where your road truly begins and Brad and I are so glad we get to travel it with you! We love you to the moon and back!

A Decision No Teenager Should Have To Make...

Today I am going to tell you a story about a tiny little treasure that was born on October 24th weighing in a 1 pound and 14 ounces. For the purposes of the family's privacy, we are going to call her Baby A. Just as most preemies do, Baby A was born with an enormous fight on her hands and in the beginning, it seemed as though she might be able to overcome her tiny size. She was gaining weight and her heart was stabilizing, but after about a week and half, the doctors feared the outlook for this small little one was not looking so well because they discovered she had Trisomy 13.

Trisomy 13 is the result of having three copies of chromosome 13 in each cell in the body instead of the usual two. The extra genetic material disrupts the normal course of development, causing characteristic features like severe intellectual disabilities and physical abnormalities in many parts of the body such as heart defects, brain or spinal cord abnormalities, very small or poorly developed eyes, extra fingers and/or toes, a cleft lip with or without a cleft palate, and weak muscle tone. Due to the presence of several life-threatening medical problems, many infants with Trisomy 13 typically die within their first days or weeks of life. Only 5 to 10% of children with this condition live past their first year. Most cases are not inherited and result from random events during the formation of eggs and sperm in healthy parents. However, an error in cell division called non disjunction results in a reproductive cell with an abnormal number of chromosomes. For example, an egg or sperm cell may gain an extra copy of chromosome 13. If one of these atypical reproductive cells contributes to the genetic makeup of a child, the child will have an extra chromosome 13 in each cell of the body. This is called Translocation Trisomy 13 and it can be inherited.

The doctor's stated Baby A had underdeveloped eyes, she had a cleft pallet, little to no muscle tone, and overall they didn't feel the prognoses was good. They did give it time to see if Baby A would improve as well as give the family time to decide what they felt would be best. However, in the end the doctors made the decision to take her off the ventilator. Everyone thinks that silence is just silence, until you have been in the room at the same time that someone takes their last breath and their heart beats for the last time. It's a silence like no other and it is a silence I have experienced with my own child. I was 22 years old when I had to make the decision to let my daughter go because it was truly what I felt was be the best thing for her. The mother of Baby A was only 19 years old and on November 18th she had to bury her first born.

I have two reasons for sharing this story. The first is for everyone to ask themselves, what is the hardest decision a 19 year old (or any teenager for that matter) should have to make? Where to go out with their friends? What to wear to a party? Which college to go to? What do they want to do over summer break? Should a teenager really be making the decision of whether or not to allow someone to live? The answer in my book is no!  Another issue is that a lot of grown women and the majority of teenage girls don't understand not all babies are born healthy! Things do not always go well. The cold, hard facts are, some are born with illnesses, some are born with defects, and some just don't make it. Then you are faced with the stress of not only raising a child, but raising a child with special needs, not only the cost of raising a child, but the cost of raising a child with special needs, and in some cases, how to pay for a funeral. Tell me, does anyone right now really have $10,000 to $12,000 just laying around? I don't! And that is a general figure of what it costs to cover a child's funeral. Not all stories have a happy endings. I will be the first one to admit that when the doctors kept trying to explain the issues with my daughter, I kept saying in my head, "everything is okay, she is going to be fine, the bad stuff only happens on TV". Well that was until they came in and flat out said, "you have a decision to make!" It doesn't just happen on TV, it doesn't just happen to the other guy!

Discussing the things that can go wrong, brings me to my second reason for this story. The growth of a child is pure chance, pure genetics, and I believe, pure faith. There is really nothing we can do to control any aspect of it because nature is going to do what nature does and you are left praying everything goes the way it should. However, I fail to understand in any way, how people can know there is always a chance something might go wrong all by itself, but yet some mothers make a choice that in addition to that worry, I am going to add additional worry by deliberately doing things I know could cause harm to my baby like drinking or doing drugs? Someone please explain this to me? Everyone was a child at one time and had to go through all the heartaches of growing up...school, bullies, puberty, parents, relationships, dating, peer pressure, and the list goes on and on. Why would you intentionally do something that could possibly create a larger issue for a child and make the growing up process that much more difficult? Personally I feel like saying "who do you think you are to play with another person's life path?" Most parents will say they love their child more than anything and would literally die for them, but I'm sorry, I have to ask myself "how can that be true when you are intentionally doing things that could severely harm your baby?" I don't think you would if you had ever actually seen what a baby born addicted to alcohol looks like, what a baby born addicted to drugs looks like, and/or what kind of physical, mental, emotional, and/or behavioral handicaps those things can cause. I have seen them! It is saddening, angering, and heart breaking all at the same time to see how these kids struggle for no other reason than the selfishness of someone else. Now there are doctors who say drinking wine in small amounts is okay. I don't agree, but even if that is true, they said nothing about taking shots of tequila? I guess I just feel that if you had the time to make a baby, then you could at least give that child a fair shot and abstain from nonsense for 40 weeks because the fact of the matter is that baby didn't ask to come into this world.

I have said many times that what I write is simply my opinion, people can take or leave it, but just as my page states, I feel there are many times I am just saying out loud, what most people are already thinking. However, when it comes to children, yes I do get very defensive because I have spent a huge portion of my life devoted to them and many times have worked with kids who had developmental, physical, emotional, and/or behavioral issues for no other reason than the activities the mother chose to partake in while she was pregnant. I flat out don't understand it and I am not going to pretend I do. If the addiction is that strong, then don't get pregnant because as I stated before, sometimes the issues are so great the baby does not even survive.  I did everything I was supposed to and still had 4 out of 4 born very sick and one didn't make it. I wanted a house full of kids, but it was clear my body was not going to allow me to make a healthy baby. I couldn't watch another one struggle so hard so I decided to stop having them because I didn't think it was fair to continue forcing whatever was wrong in my body on my children.  If you were to think right now what is the worst or hardest decision you ever had to make in your life, I guarantee you it would not compare making the decision on whether or not to let your child live or die and if you haven't had to, thank God and pray your luck continues. You would be hard pressed to find even one person in the world that can say they have never heard the words "having a child is an enormous responsibility", but maybe after reading this, some people might truly understand what those words mean.

Secrets: I tell you mine...if you tell me yours!

So today's blog is more about some social polling questions. Have you ever noticed that people who proclaim the loudest they are honest and/or real with people are actually the people with the most to hide? It is entirely possible it's just me and the people I have encountered through my life, but it sure feels that way. Sort of like the ones who spend the most time saying they are not fake are actually the fakest people you have ever met!

Lord knows if I had a nickel for every time I have been called "white trash", "trailer trash", "single white female", "gold digger", or any other colorful euphemism during my life, I wouldn't have to work, however we all know calling someone a baseless derogatory name doesn't make it true, it just makes the name caller an ass. Regardless of what people may or may not think of me, there has never been one single part of my life I have hid from, lied about or altered for the purposes of glorification. I am who I am and I do not need to do things in my life, real or made up, for the purpose of soliciting compliments and praise from others. My ego is fine. The same cannot be said of many of the people I know who have said many negative things about me and I do have to say, I truly find that fascinating. You would think for people who can so easily judge and make accusations against others, their life must be as clean and clear as Christ himself. Almost like they live in glass houses! Then again, it is also said, people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones! In some cases the acts these people have committed are so cruel, so vial, and sometimes, so illegal, the only thing keeping them from being a felon I believe is their zip code i.e. where they grew up. Society would like to believe that your social status has nothing to do these days with what you can get away with in your adolescents and even adulthood, but we all know that just isn't the case.

Another interesting question: Have you ever wondered what parents everywhere would actually do, think, and/or say if they ever found out the things their kids have actually done or the things their adult children did when they were younger? I know my sisters, my brother, and myself have had many discussions and many laughs over the years about the things we did when we younger, with our dad sitting there, none of which were illegal, at least I think...lol. I think the worst consisted of smoking in the house or drinking before the age of 21, but I do think it would make for an interesting social experiment! I mean just think, as a parent haven't you ever been curious to know what kinds of things your kids do and/or did once they had the ability to have a little more freedom? What secrets they have kept locked up all these years? What kinds of activities they thought mom and dad would never find out about? Tell the truth and shame the devil! To take it even a step further, what if spouses confessed all the things during the raising of the children they had kept from one other? It seems logical when raising kids, there as times that mom will not tell dad something or dad will not tell mom something. Here's the kicker, some are harmless, some not so much! Some of those "they don't really need to know about this moments" could have been severely detrimental to the growing and learning process of a developing mind, not to mention what it can do to the trust and honesty in a marriage. To me, it's one of the more advocating statements as to why parents should communicate everything, especially when it comes to their children, but then again, that is my belief and not something I expect everyone to agree with.

The point is I don't believe honesty, trust, integrity, morals, and ethics were ever intended to be guidelines within relationships that could be used behind a curtain of ambiguity. Honesty means just that, trust means just that, integrity means just that, morals mean just that, and ethics mean just that. If you are going to say you are one of these types of people, then be one of these types of people. Growing up and being human is not a "success only journey". We make mistakes, we screw up, doesn't mean it is intentional or that we are bad people, but we still make choices and when you make those choices you have to own them. You don't get to sit there and cast condemnation on others just because your think your skeletons are locked behind a better, fancier door. People can say what they want about me and my poor, white trash self, but I have nothing to hide because my skeletons and secrets are always welcome to party on the holidays. Can you say the same about yours?

The Parts Of Parenting That Shouldn't Have To Be Said Out Loud!

Anyone who has children is more than aware that those children did not come with an instruction book. Therefore, parenting consist of getting information from books, friends, family, and some of it is even guess work. Even with all of that, I have always thought there were just some unwritten rules that went with being human and being a part of society that people knew about parenting. Rules that didn't have to be said out loud to be known. Common sense so to speak! However, I think we can all agree that for some reason common sense is something people seem to possess in less and less quantity. The truly odd part is I would expect "the lack of" to be found in younger parents just based on sheer inexperience, but when it is seen so often in older parents, it just further cements the trouble we are in as a nation. For we all know you live what you learn and you teach what you are taught.

Now let's be clear, I am not referring to some of the many, many, many struggles parents face just trying to get their kids to graduate high school without having a child and/or an addiction. Let's face it, in today's society, if you accomplish that, it's a great success in your parenting abilities. Working and interacting with parents and kids everyday, I have noticed a couple of continuous themes among some parents that I quite frankly don't understand. One being, parents who have more than one child, for whatever reason, constantly comparing their children or pitting them against one another? The great and wonderful thing about this world is that we are all born different. We have different gifts, different personalities, different ideals, etc. For some reason, I am not even sure God himself would understand, some parents feel the need to say things like "well Johnny can do that, why can't you", "Sue wouldn't complain about that so why are you", "Amy wouldn't be offended by that, so why are you?", "Suzie would have gotten over that already, so why can't you?", "Why you can't you make grades like Jennifer?", "Why can't you get a job like your brother", "Have you seen the house your sister lives in?"...What is wrong with you people? Does someone really have to tell you it doesn't matter if a child is 5 or 35, there is not many more things that are going to be more detrimental to their self worth and self esteem than for a parent to compare siblings for some arbitrary reasons? Does someone really have to say out loud that every child deserves to feel celebrated and special for what they have to offer to their family and to this world? Even if the only talent your child has is blowing snot bubbles, then by golly, your job as their parent is to make them feel like the best snot bubble blower ever put on this planet.

Another thing I don't understand is why as adults we want to downplay children's feelings or pretend like they are not entitled to them at all. Even worse than that, we somehow think we have the divine right to decide when and what feelings they should get over? Yet as adults we sure have no trouble vocalizing when our feelings are hurt, when we are upset, when we are mad, when we are aggravated, frustrated, sad, etc. Should it have to be said out loud that EVERYONE is just as entitled to their feelings and NO ONE has the right to minimize those? Should it have to be said out loud that what affects one of your children may affect another one your children COMPLETELY different and guess what, THAT IS OKAY! Should it have to be said out loud that feelings are not like voting or drinking, you don't have to be a certain age to participate!

I also don't understand is discussing one of your children, with another child(ren) in a negative way such as making rude comments about them, saying derogatory things about them or if they are older, their job, their house, their salary, their children, degrading them, or in general, gossiping about them. It is the parent's job to remain impartial, not take sides, and to certainly not force your children into the position of having to hear their parent is saying ugly things about their sibling? All you are doing is telling your child "it's okay for me to not like them or say ugly things about them, because mom and dad do it too".  Now many people will try to justify doing this when situations such as fights between the siblings happen. Young siblings arguments are as natural as air.  Our job as parents is to intervene with neutral, UNBIASED opinions, and ideas. However, there are times when there is a clear right and a clear wrong, in those cases, in my opinion, a parent should not speak up regardless of what the fight is about. If our job is to teach, guide, and role model, then it should go without saying you always address the obvious right and the obvious wrong and that can be done with clearly picking sides. I also know this will come as a shock, but the only thing that should change when your children become older is that you get LESS involved. As adults, siblings have to be able to address and rectify their battles without running to mommy and daddy. If things get out of hand, yes you can provide guidance and some advice, but your only real job is to let ALL the siblings involved know on a consistent basis you love them equally, you are not taking sides, and you support all their feelings. Unless again there is a situation of clearly right and clearly wrong. Right and wrong are universal and lucky for parents, there is not a lot of room for arguing unless you allow your child to so by making a lot of baseless excuses.

All of these things remind me so much of the nonsense, immature, juvenile behavior we all loathed in high school. Forcing someone to be what you wanted them to be and if they didn't, well they didn't get your attention...Comparing one friend to another friend...Making people feel less than for acting, speaking, achieving, and/or feeling in a way that you deemed not to your standards...Speaking badly and/or gossiping about someone behind their back to someone else all the while being loving and friendly to their face or the more apropos term "being two faced"...disregarding and minimizing any one's feelings other than your own because Lord knows most high school students suffer from the delusion there is a center to the universe and well of course they are it. The truly sad part is, entirely TOO MANY adults never grow out of that delusion. Does it really have to be said out loud that parents are not supposed to act like high school kids? That parents are not supposed to have the maturity level of a 7th grader? That parents are supposed to be role models?

I don't personally watch what I feel is a monument to ineptitude of parenting "Keeping Up With The Kardashians", but I did hear about the segment where Kris admitted in front of her other daughters that Kim was her favorite. I could only imagine how that made the others feel, especially the younger two even though I am sure they played it off as though they suspected it all along. Children are not accessories to our lives and therefore we are not supposed to have favorites! However, even if you don't say it out loud and to their faces like that syphilitic toad did, we all know actions speak louder than words. So if this is something you practice and you think your kids can't pick up on it, well your couldn't be more wrong. I don't think there are too many things sadder than to watch a child constantly fight to get extra attention from a parent or work to meet some arbitrary standard. All it does is force your kids to rival against one another and can even cause them to resent each other when they are older. If that happens, you have to be accountable for that.  

I don't want anyone to misconstrue what I am saying because there are moments we all face as parents when one child may feel that a parent loves another child more than them. As children get older, they get involved in things, they have more activities. You naturally get more involved with one more than another. I think it naturally makes the younger ones feel they are getting less time and less attention. Sometimes as parents we do get caught up in it, even I have. Those are the times we do have to make that extra effort to make those younger ones feel just as special and just as loved. That is completely different that actively parenting in a way that alienates one or more children while glorifying another, making one child feel more special than another, making one child feel as though they can do no wrong while another feels they can do nothing right, holding one or more children accountable while always making excuses for another one, and discussing your children with their siblings in a derogatory and/or negative fashion. By doing these things, you are giving yourself a perfect storm recipe for disaster and as these children grow up, the resentment and anger will possibly grow and when it reaches its highest point, you could possibly have total destruction of a family unit that has been decades in the making and it started with you and your nonsense!

I have a different relationship with each one of my kids because they are different people, but I love them all the SAME! Again, that is not something that should have to be OUT LOUD!

Facebook Frivolity: Porn Has No Place

It has not been uncommon throughout my parenting years for me to referred to as "uptight", "old fashioned", and even a "prude". Those same words have even been used on many occasions to describe my marriage. Bradley and I have never been a couple that believes "it's okay to look as long as you don't touch". We don't feel like it's okay to make remarks about the opposite sex such as "if I wasn't married, you better believe I would go after that". We don't watch movies and/or go to shows that are focused "arm candy highlights". We try to live by the philosophy of not saying or doing anything that we would not say or do with the other person standing right there and when you think about it, if we all applied that principle to everything we say and do, I think the changes in how we treat each other would be remarkable, but that is a discussion for another day. That is us and what we choose to do and we more than realize not everyone lives within their relationship the same way. We don't judge others for what they do, but for some reason, we do not deserve the same respect. Regardless that doesn't sway us from having the relationship we want. One of the biggest aggravations I feel is when that same logic also comes into play in regards to how I parent because I have heard the same words used.  I am more than aware that young boys and adolescents have a natural curiosity about certain things, specifically girls, (and the same is true of girls being curious about boys) but what I don't think I need to accept is the way in which they have to go about learning and discovering that world.

Parents are more than aware there are millions of avenues in this world in which young people can learn about the opposite sex such as the internet, magazines, movies, peers, etc. Frankly I think one of the biggest mistakes we are making is that too many assume their children will learn it somewhere so why bother filling in those gaps. What children are taught in regards to the opposite sex and sexuality will lay the foundation for the views they develop, the ideals they develop, how they interact with the opposite sex, how they treat them, how they act in relationships, etc. Sex Ed isn't just about teaching the "birds and bees". So you're right, they will learn it somewhere, but what they are going to learn is an unrealistic, inappropriate, idealistic, fairytale, and in the cases of young men, sometimes misogynistic view, of the opposite sex. I mean do you realize that about 13 million teens between the ages of 13 and 19 get an STD each year! It 2008 it was reported (according to the best possible calculations) that by the age of 15, only 13% of never married teenagers had never had sex at least once. Don't even get me started on teen pregnancy and sexting.

So people might be wondering why I would even be talking about this and here is the reason. My children all have a Facebook, but I am also one of those parents who has all of their login information, I check their Facebook's regularly, and they know I check them. I do realize not every parent does that and that is their choice. Personally I feel are many opportunities out there in which kids can be taken advantage of, there are predators online, and there are flat out times when kids are not making good choices. A perfect example of how things can go wrong is several years ago we had an incident with Jesse in which a mother showed up on my doorstep and wanted Jesse to delete the half nude photos that her 13 year old daughter had sent of herself to Jesse's phone. Jesse stated he had no idea what this girl was talking about so after much investigation and going through Jesse's phone we discovered that someone, another student at Jesse's school who was also on the football team with him, had stolen Jesse's photo off his Facebook, created a separate account, and was sending messages to girls asking for these photos, then telling them to text them to the phone number he provided, not Jesse's . Obviously I was ecstatic that Jesse had nothing to do with, I explained to Jesse this is a prime example of why it is important to keep your page private, to know who your are friends with, not accept friend request from just anyone, and make sure no one can see your pictures. However, one of the primary reasons for even writing this is all of the "likes" by young people I have noticed on Facebook lately. Last time I checked Facebook is a social networking site. It allows people to keep up with friends and family, have access to pages where you can get coupons and deals, kids can keep up with their favorite bands or sports stars, and everyone can play games to pass the time. When did Facebook become a porn peddling site??? I see all of these young kids liking pages that in my opinion are porn or at the very least are HIGHLY inappropriate, especially for the age of some of the people viewing it. Even worse, all they need do to view the content is hit a like button. It also makes me wonder why Facebook allows such sites to be added. I mean, seriously? There is an endless number of sites such as those on the internet to poison and plaque peoples minds, can we not have one clean place for children and young adults to be?

I also quite frankly don't understand why there are so many young girls who constantly post half naked pictures of themselves. I know some of the girls who do it are technically adults, but some of these girls are 13, 14, 15 years old! In their case, I don't think that it's okay in anyway and more so, do they not have a parent that cares they are doing it? In regards to the ones who are technically adults, don't get me wrong, I am not a feminist by any means. I am all for women being strong, independent, and believing they can do the same things as a man, including having full rights to dress how they want. (Side note: I also believe that every once in a while a woman has to stroke the ego of her significant other. If you have a relationship where a man is trying to keep a woman suppressed into believing she is good for nothing more than cooking, cleaning, and making babies, it's doomed for failure. The same is true of a relationship in which you have two people constantly competing for who is going to be top dog. Partners should be and should have equal parts in a relationship, but it's just a fact that sometimes men need to feel like providers, they need feel like they are providing their family with safety and support, they need to feel like men) I could be completely wrong, but it has been my experience that these women who tend to wear the most scandalous clothes, post the most lewd pictures, and express themselves in the most over sexualized ways, will be the first ones who are offended when men only look at them as objects as opposed to acknowledging they might have an intelligent thought in their head. Really?!?!? I don't think you can have your cake and eat it too. The fact is the world is built on perceptions and if you want to be taken seriously, if you want to be treated like a respectful individual, and if you want people to believe you are intelligent, then you have to give them that impression.That doesn't mean turtle-necks, long sleeves, and slacks either, it just means having enough respect for yourself to not show the world every inch of yourself through a computer screen. That could really apply to guys and girls! One additional thought, we all know once something is on the internet, it's out there forever. A lot of young people don't put much thought into their future or what their profession will be in, but when you are older and mature some, obviously you do. There are some professions in which certain pictures and certain actions can come back to haunt you, even cost you big. Just look at numerous Miss America contestants, beauty contestants, American Idol contestants, and the list goes on.  There really is nothing wrong with being young and being smart at the same time!

To some this entry may seem like a lot of randomness and to some it may make perfect sense. I also know there are many people who won't agree with me because I hear it all the time. People say to me "the world of full of smut, there is nothing we can do about it, things have changed, might as well accept it". I do know we don't live in "Leave It To Beaver" times anymore, I am not that naïve, but just because something is so doesn't mean we have to accept it and it doesn't mean we can't work to change it. I also do have control over my house and the environment my children are exposed to. I choose to not allow that world into my home because I feel it is inappropriate, unrealistic, and plain degrading to women and men. Not saying that I am the perfect parent or a better parent, I just want my children to have a healthy sense of self, a healthy sense of relationships, and a healthy ideal about sex. My hope is that if create this world for them in my home, then when they grow up, they will want to create it in their home, then their children will want to create it in their home. That folks is how we break cycles, that folks is how we create change!

Teen Pregnancy (Part Two): Reclaiming Your Life

A lot of teen girls feel once they become pregnant they have to give up on their dreams and goals for the future. Many girls feel having a baby at a young age is such a mistake and has such a stigma attached, there’s no way to recover and will place themselves in situations such as prostitution, drug abuse, crime, etc. They also fail to realize having a baby guarantees you’re now and forever responsible for someone other than yourself and their needs have to come before yours. However, having a baby at a young age does not in any way lower their ceiling of opportunity, it only means they have to work a little harder. If these girls seek out and utilize opportunities to grow, complete school/further their education, as well as develop positive parenting skills they’ll can not only help to end the cycle of statistics attached to teen pregnancy, but they can also become outstanding and upstanding women. By applying some effort and hard work, they can learn to take their lives back and move on. Having a baby as a teenager may delay your life plans, but it doesn’t have to end them. The same is true for the dads that choose to get involved. There are numerous statistics out there supporting how much better a child does with two parents actively in their life, whether they are together or not as well as facts stating that the biggest and best role model for a child is the same gendered parent.

Acceptance:
Being able to identify, acknowledge, and accept the things that are not right in your life is 98% the battle. Why? Because we can't change what we don't acknowledge. You have to know what is ultimately wrong in order to fix it. It should go without saying being a teen parent inherently comes with A LOT of difficulty, but as stated before, too many teens are unaware of the difficulties and/or unwilling to acknowledge them. Teen parents will face economic, emotional, psychological, and physical hardships of monumental proportions. In turn, many teens use drugs, alcohol, sex, and other self destructive measures to cope. I strongly urge these teens to enter this situation with an open mind and a willingness to develop a positive, productive plan. If they’re already in this situation and they don’t have a plan, get one! Write down what you are happy with and what you’re not happy with. What you can handle and what you can’t handle. What you understand and what you don’t understand. You will find when you start acquiring answers and/or solutions to these questions, the path to becoming a successful parent and person, is not so impossible as you thought.

Responsibility:
Even though it’s the common trend among teenagers today to blame everyone and everything for every injustice in their life, it doesn’t change the fact OUR choices, are OUR choices. Good, bad, right, or wrong, you made the choice to have sex. You knew the risk involved. So if you become pregnant or get someone pregnant, you guessed it, ALL YOU! So take responsibility for your actions and the situation you’re now a part of! You have to decide what type of parent you want to be and what type of role model you want to be. Regardless of your childhood, regardless of the hardships you’ve faced, regardless of whether or not you feel you have support, you are now accountable to another person. Only you can decide the legacy you want to leave behind because ultimately if you fail your child, that will also be your responsibility! It's also not something a lot of teen moms want to hear, but the fact is, if you get pregnant and choose to keep the baby, you are choosing to do so knowing in advance there is a VERY good chance you are going to be doing this alone.  Most teens fathers just statistically do not stick around. Given their maturity level, given the easy way out, why wouldn't they? So having that information, unfortunately it is not something you get to complain about. That is not harsh, that is not rude, that is just life. The best you can do is hope and pray for a change of heart while still making every effort to be a great mom. The worst you can do is that child as a pawn to play games, degrade or bad mouth the father in front of the child, and/or intentionally keep that child from the father. The choice is yours, but I promise you, one of those choices will cost you greatly when that child is older. Every child has to write their own story when it comes to their parents and if you interfere and try to do it for them, they will blame you later and sometime, cut you from their life. Kids have no say so in who their parents are so please do not make them part of your war.

Stay Organized:
Keeping all aspects of our lives organized will not only help you to be focused, but you would be amazed how good organization can help you survive even the largest of crises. Cleanliness and organization helps us to feel good about ourselves, it raises our self esteem, and it can go a long way to reducing the stress you feel in your daily life. Let’s face it, our lives are chaotic enough when we’re only trying to care for ourselves, but when we add the responsibility of caring for an individual who relies completely and totally on us, so anywhere we can cut stress and headache, is a good thing.

Be Grateful:
Obviously bringing a child into an environment that’s emotionally, physically, and financially ready is always the most practical. However, even when it does happen under less than ideal circumstances, it doesn’t change the fact that a baby is a precious gift. So instead of looking at it like a “mistake”, look at yourself and the situation as a blessing, especially considering so many men and women who would give anything to be a parent and are not lucky enough to experience the joy for themselves. Focus on the positives of the situation and what things will make not only you, but your baby happy. Stay positive about life and always continue working towards being a better person despite all you are and will go through. If there is something in your life you feel is dangerous or cancerous to the goals you have set, then get rid of it and/or stay away from it. If you are lucky enough to have a supportive family who is helping you and your child, take advantage of that. Don't whine, argue, and treat them poorly because they're not showing their support the way you demand they do it. Just be grateful you are not in this alone.  We have to remember that even as bad as things can get and even as down and out as we can begin to feel, someone ALWAYS has it worse than us!

Give Yourself An Education:
I think you would be hard pressed to find anyone that will not tell you the key to giving yourself choices, freedom, and success in this life is getting an education. Education is the only thing that can defeat the battles of poverty, homelessness, and self humiliation from failure. It’s the key to freedom. Teen mothers need to make sure if they do nothing else to further their education, that they at least get a high school diploma. However, my advice is to never settle for second best and continue your education beyond high school. I can promise you an education is the ONLY thing that will ultimately guarantee a better, more stable future for you and your child.

Being a teen parent will make it hard to avoid negative people in the world telling you that because you’re a teen parent, you can’t have the same success and opportunities as others. However, for the sake of you and your child, you have to ignore them. Surround yourself with people who uplift you, not defeat you. Only you can control who you allow in your life and if you have a lot of negativity now, cut it out.

Society way too often makes judgments when they see teen/single moms. We can't continue to be afraid of the topic of sex and at the same time be shocked by what is happening. I also think we need to remember, that at least these moms are trying and in many cases, going it alone. As I stated before, being a great parent has nothing to do with age, it has to do with effort, it has to do with responsibility, it has to do with accountability, it has to do with an ability to be actively present, and to love unconditionally. Those are character traits my friends that you CAN or CANNOT acquire at any age!

Being a teen mom DOES in fact guarantee life will be harder which is why it’s ideal to wait, but being a teen mom DOES NOT guarantee your life is over. So don’t make excuses and don’t settle for living in a place of bitterness and despair. Make the decision that you’re still in the game and grab every opportunity you can. Ultimately only you can change the situation you’re in and only you can reclaim your life. Turn this setback into a comeback and you may even possibly empower and inspire others along the way!

Teen Pregnancy (Part One): An American Epidemic

Teen pregnancy is unfortunately a topic we as a society have become all too comfortable with in our present day. When I originally wrote this article in 2010, the average was 3 out of 10 girls will be pregnant before age 20 and 1 out of 4 mothers who give birth before 18 will have a second child within 2 years. Now the average is 4 out of 10 and 50% of African American teen girls and 52% of Latina teens will become pregnant at least once before the are 20. When we put that into actual numbers, it means that 750,000 teen girls are giving birth in the U.S. each year, 8 out of 10 are unplanned and 81% are to unmarried teens. Also, only 1 out 10 teen males actually involves themselves with their child.  It's also a subject TOO many teenage girls and boys DO NOT take seriously because they lack a realistic understanding of the ENORMOUS responsibility required. Most teenagers who become parents simply view it as an opportunity to have someone love them in a world where no one else does. I think I speak for many, many people in society when I say, if all you’re looking is to be loved, then get a dog. A dog will be more than capable of providing you with the love and companionship you’re seeking and society doesn’t have the expectation dogs will grow up to be healthy, productive, moral, intelligent contributors to society. Being a parent is a lifetime commitment, but for some reason that fact keeps being overlooked.

The Reasons Most Teenagers Become Pregnant:
There are two factors that appear to have influence over the teen pregnancy statistics. One is poverty since girls who live below the poverty line are ten times more likely to become pregnant than girls from affluent families. Some feel the lack of money contributes to the lack of access to contraceptives. A second reason is inadequate education in regards to sexuality, the appropriate use and availability of contraceptives and the socioeconomic factors affecting their lives. Regardless the vast majority of these pregnancies will be unplanned, unwanted, and unprepared for.

Teen Sexual Trends and Contributing Factors:
It’s a hard fact for many parents to face, but it’s perfectly age appropriate for teenagers to be curious about sex. The problem is most parents’ reaction to that curiosity is usually shame and lack of communication. When we avoid talking to our kids about sex we leave them no choice but to find their own answers. We also need to remember the issue of peer pressure. Most teens have stated they were not ready for sex but felt obligated due to peer pressure from their friends and/or partners. Sexual abuse will also play a factor in the sex practices of teenagers. Roughly 60% of girls state their first sexual experience before 15 was due to force, meaning rape and those interactions are responsible for about 10% of teen pregnancies. Girls who are victims of incest are also much more likely to be sexually promiscuous as teenagers. The large increase in the usage of drugs and alcohol by teenagers will also naturally contribute to the increase of irresponsible sex practices.

Abuse:
Teenagers who witness or are victims of physical abuse are more likely to become teen parents. Girls with abusive or absent fathers tend to start having sex at earlier ages since it’s not uncommon for girls to associate sex with love therefore they begin having sex in an attempt to fill the void of not having a father. Males who witness sex in the home are obviously more likely to become abusive themselves. Many studies have proven over half of all teen pregnancies involve girls who are currently or were in abusive relationships with the child’s father at the time of conception. It’s very common for the boyfriends to abuse these girls and control every aspect of their life. What most teen girls in these situations don’t understand the abuse very seldom stops after conception. In fact, more than likely it only gets worse and once they become pregnant, they’re less likely to leave because they don’t have the education, job skills, resources, and/or support to raise a child on their own leaving them completely dependent on an abusive partner.

Possible Medical Problems Associated W/ Teen Pregnancy:
Clearly there’re a number of financial and emotional factors related to why teens shouldn’t become parents, but there’s also a number of medical factors often overlooked especially for girls 14 and under. Their pelvic region is not fully developed and may not be wide enough to allow for a normal birth. Most would say, well there’s always the ability to have a C-section. This is true unless the girl lives within serious economic poverty. If that is the case, she may be subjected to less than adequate medical care if she seeks medical care at all. This can lead to the death of the infant and sometimes the death of the mother as well.

Teens also have bodies that are still developing, meaning they’re already in need of certain amounts of nutrients and vitamins for their own growth that they usually don’t get because of their unhealthy eating habits. Common sense would dictate if they can’t take care of their own growing body, they can’t care for a growing fetus. Add issues such as smoking, drinking, and/or taking drugs, the risk factors for under development, low birth weights, deformity, and/or death will once again increase. Each year over 9 million young people between the ages of 15 and 24 receive an STD and these can be extremely dangerous to an unborn fetus. Chlamydia can cause sterility in the person affected as well as eye infections and pneumonia in the baby. Syphilis can cause blindness and maternal/ infant death. We’re all familiar the damage that can be caused by HIV or having Aids while pregnant. Receiving treatment can reduce the risk of passing it along to the baby, but as with any type of medical treatment, there’re no guarantees.

Babies born to teen mothers are more likely to die during their first year and the risk is even higher for babies born to mothers under 15. This is because teen mothers are more likely to have babies of low birth weight and/or prematurely and these babies can face issues with underdeveloped or undeveloped organs, respiratory problems, possible bleeding in the brain, vision loss, and/or serious intestinal problems.

Other Issues With Teen Pregnancy:
Young girls seriously underestimate how difficult life as a teen parent can actually be. I refer specifically to the girls because almost all of these girls will also be single parents. Only 40% of teen mothers graduate high school and 1 out of 100 will actually graduate from college. With a limited education they reduce their opportunities to learn job skills and/or acquire employment. A teen mother will then become completely dependent on her family and/or public assistance. When these mothers become so invested in this cycle, they’re less likely to work to get out of it. Therefore, they remain in a state of being uneducated, jobless, and living in poverty. It’s estimated 64% of children living in poverty are the children of teen mothers. They experience a higher rate of learning disabilities and behavioral problems in school. They are more likely to repeat a grade in school, perform poorly on standardized tests, and evenly drop out. Some speculate the child’s difficulty is due to lack of stimulation from their parents during infancy. Often teen mothers are far too concerned with the own lives and don’t understand and/or care about the importance of attending to the physical/emotional needs of their child.

What’s The Answer:
So what is the solution? While it’s true teen pregnancy is an epidemic that’s 100% preventable, it doesn’t change the fact we’re clearly losing the fight. So regardless of your views surrounding the subject of teens having sex, what we can’t afford to do anymore is keep pretending it’s not happening or that someone else will address the subject. Our teens cannot continue to be naive about the level of responsibility required in being a parent. They need to understand that once they make the choice to be a parent, someone besides themselves will forever be affected by the choices they make in the future!

And before anyone thinks I am speaking on a subject I couldn't possibly relate to, I was also a teen parent so I know first hand the difficulties. I also took responsibility for my teen child. I went to college at night and worked forty hours during the week to support him and I did not have any more children until I was married. I am not proud of that marriage and I did have to do a great deal of parenting during it by myself and was a single parent of three after my divorce. So yes I am very proud of the fact that I did with my three children what some two parents have trouble doing. My oldest son, who I had as a teenager, completely blows out of the water every stereotype there is about teen mothers raising boys without a strong father figure. My current husband was not a part of his life until he was 13 and I am grateful everyday for him, but even to that point, my son had never had so much as a detention, had never done drugs, had never been in a fight, had never even had a negative report from school. He is now a senior who is involved in sports, is 8th in his class academically, is in the NHS, is in the mentor program, and is a kind, good hearted, respectful young man. My other two children also get good grades and are respectful, good hearted children. They have done all this while one of them surviving a father who has never been there for him and all them surviving my marriage to an abusive alcoholic. I also graduated college with an Associates, Bachelors, and Masters degree and I am currently working on a second Masters. I am by NO means saying I am the perfect parent or some "be-all to end-all" because I do make plenty of mistakes, but I have always known that everything in my children's lives would shape the people they become and I have ALWAYS taken my job seriously. I was responsible for three living, breathing, functioning creatures. That is not a small task and too many people do not give it the respect it deserves.  The majority of what molds a person emotionally, psychologically, physically, and academically actually happens between the ages of birth and 7, everything after that can make modifications, but who they are, is already there. Your child is basically a computer with no backspace and no delete button.

The age you start having children is not always the most important factor. What truly matters is that you accept responsibility for your actions. Too many teen, males and females, are not willing to accept responsibility, but they also look at adoption as such an insult. "No one else is going to raise my child". Guess what? The second you decided to bring another life into this world, it stopped being about you and now it is ultimately best for that child and nothing else! Every interaction counts...Every word counts...Every moment counts...and if you are not adult enough to take that seriously then you are not adult enough to be a parent.

The Moment When Parenting Pays Off...

I think most parents spend everyday asking themselves the same questions: Am I doing the right thing? Am I teaching them the right values? What kind of an adult are they going to grow up to be? Will they always make the right decisions? Can I trust them to always do what is best? It is a never ending cycle that goes on and on and on with what appears to be no end in sight. However, I do think there are those rare glimpses of hope that sometimes come to show us, yes, you are going the right course, they are going to be okay. Then again it may not ever happen for some people, but I can say, that small moment did come for me Friday night.

It was a typical Friday night for us, we had a football game to attend for Jesse. Bradley and I have been happier to see this year that the coach has appeared to be taking advantage of the fact that Jesse can catch and can run. Now I know that most parents are always the first in line to cheer for their child, but folks this isn't just me. First of all, Bradley is one of the most unbiased opinions out there. Not only is a sports savant, but he has always been one of Jesse's hardest critic's. He has even had many discussions with the coaches and told them over the years that he knows Jesse is not strong on the defensive side, but he hands are 97% accurate. One of the coaches at UT also told Jesse that he had some the best hands he had ever seen on a high school football player and that was a sophomore. On top of all that, since 7th grade, Jesse has never missed a practice, he has never failed a class, he has never had a detention, he has given up every summer he has had for football to attend captain's camps, footballs camps, and even extra practices they were not even required to attend. Anything that has ever been asked of him, he has given it, but it has taken till his senior year for people to finally let him show what he is capable of. This past Friday night I was extremely frustrated as a parent because I felt there were many opportunities for that talent to be utilized and could have been capitalized on, but it was ignored and I am not just saying that for my son, but other players as well. I am watching the same game as everyone else and the players who are consistently being used are the same ones who consistently getting calls for unsportsmanlike conduct, the ones who are also disrespectful off the field, and the ones who are caught doing illegal things off the field. Kids who intentionally try to see what negative things they can get away with on the field by doing things like grabbing face masks after the play is over. The are also the kids who do not attend the camps because they are in summer school and do not attend the optional camps because they just don't feel like it.  And none of this is speculation, rumor, or conjecture on my part, it is all fact, it is all things that are seen by all of us, it is just things that most do not want to acknowledge. However, those children are not mine to worry about, but having worked with kids for so long and knowing what I know about human behavior and what happens when kids grow up in a world where they can do no wrong and no one ever tells them no, well it just makes for a very difficult future.

I will not pretend to understand what it is like to be a high school coach or teacher, but at the same time, sometimes I wish they would acknowledge how things must look to us parents and to the other team mates. You have children who are overachieving academically, are respectful, honest, well behaved kids, who always give you 100%, and they are being overshadowed by the kids who are drinking, doing drugs, openly rude to their parents in public, bullying other kids, could care less about their academics, and have no regard for others in anyway. We try to teach our children that having good morals, good ethics, and a positive attitude is what will get you ahead, but yet they are seeing every day that is not the case. How are we as parents supposed to compete with that? Well, as I stated previously, the answer to that very question came to me Friday night. I told Jesse how sorry I was for him and I felt that he and other people on the team are being done a disservice and as much as I would love to be able to explain to him why and as his mother, I would love nothing more than to take his disappointment away, I can't.  And he just responded "Mom I know, but all I can do is keep going". Right there, those few words showed me that he has gotten it. That I have taught him life is ALWAYS going to be unfair in someway. There will always be cases when you feel someone should not be getting ahead of you, but they will. No matter what, you have to continue to give everything you have knowing that one day someone will see it and it will pay off!

I would like for anyone who reads this and might take offense to it to understand this blog is not about bashing other children or their parents. I have watched this team play together for six years so I have had plenty of time to develop an opinion and see things for myself, just as many others have. Believe me, I have seen things that border on intolerable. I have also seen things that if Jesse had done it, playing football ever again would be the least of his worries. I may not in anyway agree with some of the choices the coaches makes, I may not in anyway agree with the way some parents on this team handle the behaviors of the children, and I may not agree in anyway with the way in which some of the boys on the team behave, but as I stated, those children are not mine and their affect on this world and those within it, will not be my issue to address. Everyone is entitled to parent their own way. While I do wish some coaches would keep in mind that even though winning the game is important, the self esteem and self worth of a child is by far much more important, this blog is not about that either. This blog is about my son and only my son. To let the world and him know who truly fabulous he is and what a magnificant man he is going to be in the future and how Bradley and I and only Bradley and I get to take credit for it! We love you so much Jeeter and you are going to do such great things in this life. We are so happy we get to be a part of that!

Tiny to Teenager...Too Fast

Thirteen years ago today I was very surprised when I went into labor six weeks early, but if I was to be perfectly honest, not too surprised because that train had already started itself in motion weeks before. I guess I was just hoping she could have held on a little longer, but as she has proven in each day of her life, she has the patience of her mother and that is none! So early she came and tiny she was. Now she was not as tiny as preemie's can get mind you because I have seen some pretty small ones. She was just over five pounds, but because she was not able to eat she did lose several ounces and we all know on a baby who is already small, every ounce counts. It wasn't so much her size that was an issue, it was the fact that her lungs were caught right in the middle of their development and any doctor will tell you, if a baby has to be born early, it's always best to catch them before or after, but never in the middle. So the second she was born, she was taken to neonatal.

A normal newborn will take 40-60 breaths per minute and their heart will beat 120-160 times a minute. This little girl was taking 80-90 breaths a minute and her heart was beating 180-190 times. Clearly this presents issues like her heart rupturing because it was working so hard, she could damage her under developed lungs because they were working so hard, and of course there was the fact that she couldn't eat. Since she was breathing so fast, they could not give her liquids for fear it would go down the wrong pipe and she would drown herself. A situation such as this would be scary for just about any person, but for me it was even more so because 18 months before that, I had lost my first daughter who was also born early and had complications. Watching that tiny creature in that incubator I made a deal with God. I told him that I accepted it the first time, but this time I would not be able to handle it or make it through and this child needed his help because if she didn't make it we would no longer be on speaking terms.

Well, here we are 13 years later and that beautiful, tiny creature is just shy of being taller than me. She loves to play soccer, loves school, and is as smart as the day is long. God kept his end of the deal and has watched over her everyday and I know that because she is unbelievably healthy. A little clumsy, but very healthy...lol...

She is one of four, but one of the three I have in this life and my only girl. She is in EVERY WAY her mother's daughter, good, bad, or indifferent. We have butted heads many times and I am sure we will many more, but we have also laughed together, cried together, and made some great memories together. She is truly one of kind and I would not trade her for all the wealth or fame in the world. That child is Kyndall Jeanyce and today, she is 13, a teenager. The next rung on the ladder before becoming an adult. The day she has waited for for many years because she knows it means she now gets a cell phone and can go to PG-13 movies by herself, but a day I am not any where near ready for.

However, as parents, are we ever? Do we ever become really ready for the next big step? Of course not, but we do have to let go and watch them do it. Life is the only teacher that gives you the test first and lesson later, but we parents need to accept that life IS NOT a success only journey. There will be fails, there will be mistakes, and there will be "uh oh"  moments. Let them have them. I like to think of parenting as sort of a bowling lane. When they are little you give them the bumper pads and the cheater rail so they always stay on the straight way, but as they get older, you have to start removing those things and let them land in the gutter every once in a while because if you don't, they will never figure out how to stay on the straight way with out cheating or shortcuts!

In closing, I just want to wish my lovely daughter a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I look forward to many, many  more!!! Just know that Bradley, Jesse, James, and I will always be your biggest cheerleaders!

My Second Greatest Journey...

Five years ago this month, I saw this person who just had something about him that cannot be put into words, but it made me want to know him better. After the first time we were able to really spend time together, I knew I wanted to see him again. After the second time, I knew I loved him. He had this way of making you feel like you were the only person alive and still does to this day. Even though I had been married before and even though I had been in relationships before, that is a feeling I sadly have to say, I had never felt, but it was something I liked. This man makes me feel as though nothing in the world could ever harm me. He always has wonderful things to say and ALWAYS makes me feel beautiful. Never mind the fact that the majority of the time I don't believe him, it never has mattered. He has never stopped trying. The ways in which he helps me cannot even be counted which he deserves more credit than the average person because when he signed up for this, the majority of the medical issues I have now, I didn't have then, but that has never changed his mind in anyway. He is not your typical man around the house. I have NEVER had to fight him to do dishes or laundry or simple picking up or bathrooms or vacuuming or taking out the trash or any of the other normal household chores. We split all the household duties because luckily for me, he is not one of those who believes, men are incapable or excused from such things simply for being a man!

More importantly to me, it is how he is with my children and has been with them since day one. Being a parent is one thing, but being a step-parent is something completely different because in those cases the person is making a choice to love a child that they don't have to. This man took my three children as his own and NEVER looked back. I know there are times when men decided to be with women and look at her children as "necessary baggage" or a sort of consequence for getting to be with the women. Honestly there are times, I feel like the necessary baggage...lol...for he is a true kid at heart. He loves to read with them, throw the football or the baseball or a tennis ball or even a ping pong ball, anything as long as it has to do with sports. He coaches their teams, puts together puzzles, go to their school events, eats lunch with them at school, and in every way is just as big a cheerleader for them as I am.

That person is Bradley Dennis and five years ago he made my life as an "I" a life as a "we" and nearly two years ago, he did me the honor of giving me his last name. I say this has been my second greatest journey because of course motherhood was my first, but the fast years have not been an easy one for him or I. We have watched as people have made comments to us about our choice in spouses, some have questioned and continue to question how we feel for one another, listened as people have said ugly things about one or both of us, stood by as people have judged us, some people have made attempts to persuade us to undue our choices, and we have even watched as some people have exited our lives. None of these being strangers or mere acquaintances, but people who we thought would support us. I don't have a past some find desirable or even acceptable. That fact has been used to question my motives for loving Brad and even used to decide I am not capable of loving him the way he deserves. Those events made me who I am and who I am is a person who loves Brad for Brad whether others accept that or not. My heart has hurt for Brad so many times because when I look at what a pure, good, giving, wonderful soul he has, he deserves so much better than he has gotten.

The fact is I can't do anything about the opinions of others, but what I say to Brad is this. At the end of the day, there are only three of us in this relationship, you, me, and God. As far as myself and God, I know how much we love and adore you and we are not going anywhere (I don't think he would care if I said that much for him...lol). I love you more today than I did yesterday and I will more tomorrow than I do today. It's only been five years, but I am more than ready for the next 50! As far as everyone else, well, shame on you! Regardless I know what they have lost and what we have gained! I love you BIG!!!

                                                             Our first picture together!