Thirteen years ago today I was very surprised when I went into labor six weeks early, but if I was to be perfectly honest, not too surprised because that train had already started itself in motion weeks before. I guess I was just hoping she could have held on a little longer, but as she has proven in each day of her life, she has the patience of her mother and that is none! So early she came and tiny she was. Now she was not as tiny as preemie's can get mind you because I have seen some pretty small ones. She was just over five pounds, but because she was not able to eat she did lose several ounces and we all know on a baby who is already small, every ounce counts. It wasn't so much her size that was an issue, it was the fact that her lungs were caught right in the middle of their development and any doctor will tell you, if a baby has to be born early, it's always best to catch them before or after, but never in the middle. So the second she was born, she was taken to neonatal.
A normal newborn will take 40-60 breaths per minute and their heart will beat 120-160 times a minute. This little girl was taking 80-90 breaths a minute and her heart was beating 180-190 times. Clearly this presents issues like her heart rupturing because it was working so hard, she could damage her under developed lungs because they were working so hard, and of course there was the fact that she couldn't eat. Since she was breathing so fast, they could not give her liquids for fear it would go down the wrong pipe and she would drown herself. A situation such as this would be scary for just about any person, but for me it was even more so because 18 months before that, I had lost my first daughter who was also born early and had complications. Watching that tiny creature in that incubator I made a deal with God. I told him that I accepted it the first time, but this time I would not be able to handle it or make it through and this child needed his help because if she didn't make it we would no longer be on speaking terms.
Well, here we are 13 years later and that beautiful, tiny creature is just shy of being taller than me. She loves to play soccer, loves school, and is as smart as the day is long. God kept his end of the deal and has watched over her everyday and I know that because she is unbelievably healthy. A little clumsy, but very healthy...lol...
She is one of four, but one of the three I have in this life and my only girl. She is in EVERY WAY her mother's daughter, good, bad, or indifferent. We have butted heads many times and I am sure we will many more, but we have also laughed together, cried together, and made some great memories together. She is truly one of kind and I would not trade her for all the wealth or fame in the world. That child is Kyndall Jeanyce and today, she is 13, a teenager. The next rung on the ladder before becoming an adult. The day she has waited for for many years because she knows it means she now gets a cell phone and can go to PG-13 movies by herself, but a day I am not any where near ready for.
However, as parents, are we ever? Do we ever become really ready for the next big step? Of course not, but we do have to let go and watch them do it. Life is the only teacher that gives you the test first and lesson later, but we parents need to accept that life IS NOT a success only journey. There will be fails, there will be mistakes, and there will be "uh oh" moments. Let them have them. I like to think of parenting as sort of a bowling lane. When they are little you give them the bumper pads and the cheater rail so they always stay on the straight way, but as they get older, you have to start removing those things and let them land in the gutter every once in a while because if you don't, they will never figure out how to stay on the straight way with out cheating or shortcuts!
In closing, I just want to wish my lovely daughter a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I look forward to many, many more!!! Just know that Bradley, Jesse, James, and I will always be your biggest cheerleaders!
Five years ago this month, I saw this person who just had something about him that cannot be put into words, but it made me want to know him better. After the first time we were able to really spend time together, I knew I wanted to see him again. After the second time, I knew I loved him. He had this way of making you feel like you were the only person alive and still does to this day. Even though I had been married before and even though I had been in relationships before, that is a feeling I sadly have to say, I had never felt, but it was something I liked. This man makes me feel as though nothing in the world could ever harm me. He always has wonderful things to say and ALWAYS makes me feel beautiful. Never mind the fact that the majority of the time I don't believe him, it never has mattered. He has never stopped trying. The ways in which he helps me cannot even be counted which he deserves more credit than the average person because when he signed up for this, the majority of the medical issues I have now, I didn't have then, but that has never changed his mind in anyway. He is not your typical man around the house. I have NEVER had to fight him to do dishes or laundry or simple picking up or bathrooms or vacuuming or taking out the trash or any of the other normal household chores. We split all the household duties because luckily for me, he is not one of those who believes, men are incapable or excused from such things simply for being a man!
More importantly to me, it is how he is with my children and has been with them since day one. Being a parent is one thing, but being a step-parent is something completely different because in those cases the person is making a choice to love a child that they don't have to. This man took my three children as his own and NEVER looked back. I know there are times when men decided to be with women and look at her children as "necessary baggage" or a sort of consequence for getting to be with the women. Honestly there are times, I feel like the necessary baggage...lol...for he is a true kid at heart. He loves to read with them, throw the football or the baseball or a tennis ball or even a ping pong ball, anything as long as it has to do with sports. He coaches their teams, puts together puzzles, go to their school events, eats lunch with them at school, and in every way is just as big a cheerleader for them as I am.
That person is Bradley Dennis and five years ago he made my life as an "I" a life as a "we" and nearly two years ago, he did me the honor of giving me his last name. I say this has been my second greatest journey because of course motherhood was my first, but the fast years have not been an easy one for him or I. We have watched as people have made comments to us about our choice in spouses, some have questioned and continue to question how we feel for one another, listened as people have said ugly things about one or both of us, stood by as people have judged us, some people have made attempts to persuade us to undue our choices, and we have even watched as some people have exited our lives. None of these being strangers or mere acquaintances, but people who we thought would support us. I don't have a past some find desirable or even acceptable. That fact has been used to question my motives for loving Brad and even used to decide I am not capable of loving him the way he deserves. Those events made me who I am and who I am is a person who loves Brad for Brad whether others accept that or not. My heart has hurt for Brad so many times because when I look at what a pure, good, giving, wonderful soul he has, he deserves so much better than he has gotten.
The fact is I can't do anything about the opinions of others, but what I say to Brad is this. At the end of the day, there are only three of us in this relationship, you, me, and God. As far as myself and God, I know how much we love and adore you and we are not going anywhere (I don't think he would care if I said that much for him...lol). I love you more today than I did yesterday and I will more tomorrow than I do today. It's only been five years, but I am more than ready for the next 50! As far as everyone else, well, shame on you! Regardless I know what they have lost and what we have gained! I love you BIG!!!
Death is never easy to deal with and it becomes more complicated when it’s necessary to explain to a child. However, like all uncomfortable topics we face as parents, it can be done if handled the right way. First and foremost, always be honest and encourage them to ask questions even if you don’t have the answer. As I‘ve discussed before, you ALWAYS want to create an environment for your children where they feel comfortable being open and never feel there are right or wrong emotions.
Children younger than 5 or 6 have a very literal view of the world so use basic, but concrete terms. For example, you can tell them the person’s body just doesn’t work anymore and the doctor’s weren’t able to fix it. They may have an easier time understanding “death” as meaning the person’s body stopped working. Kids this age have difficulty associating death with finality so don’t be surprised if they continue to ask when their loved one is coming back. Just calmly reiterate when a person dies, it means they can’t come back. Avoid using phrases like “went away” or “went to sleep”. These phrases will only add to their confusion and it can also cause them to develop a personal fear of going to sleep.
Children who are 6-10 have a better idea about the finality of death, but at the same time may have an altered perception of death in that they may associate it with things such as the “boogeyman” or skeletons. Again it is important to be accurate, clear, and honest with your explanations.
Older children are able to make the connection that eventually everything dies regardless of behavior or wishes. However, as their understanding evolves, their level and number of questions will also. If someone they know dies in a car accident for example, they may become apprehensive about being in a car. Help them understand that yes, the accident was a terrible thing, but also explain why it’s even more important to make every effort to be safe and smart when riding in a car. Like always wearing a seat belt or never get into the car with anyone who has been drinking. Teens also tend to search for much deeper meanings of death, especially when it’s someone very close to them in that they will explore “the meaning of life.” When a teen has a peer die or they were involved in an accident where someone died and they didn’t, teens will carry a great deal of guilt. ENCOURAGE THEM TO EXPRESS AND SHARE THEIR GRIEF! At the same time, don’t hide your grief from your children. This will show them crying isn’t an unnatural and/or unwanted response to emotional pain. Should you take your child to the funeral? This decision is totally up to the parent and the child. Children should be allowed to participate in any part of the mourning process they feel comfortable with, but make sure they’re completely aware of what to expect such as the casket, the viewing of the body in some cases, and that the person in the casket cannot see or hear anything. There cannot be unnecessary surprises that will add to their anxiety.
If you feel you need assistance or other resources to help a child and/or yourself get through a time such as this, there are grief counselors, books, and some community programs available. Some communities even offer special camps children can attend that will allow them to be surrounded by other children who are experiencing the same things they are. If you are dealing with an impending death of a loved one due to terminal illness, do not hesitate to ask your doctor to give you extra time or to explain just once more the details of your loved one’s illness, even if that means arranging a special appointment. Make sure you get clear answers to your questions regarding the medical diagnosis and treatment so you feel most comfortable when the time comes to explain things to your child.
Above all, grieving a personal process that has no time limit, nor one “right” way to do it. Coping with loss is a deeply personal experience and most cannot understand all the emotions that children go through, but we can be there for them and help comfort them through the process. The best thing you can do is to allow them to feel the grief as it comes because resisting it will only prolong the natural process of healing. Also remember that lack of crying doesn’t mean someone isn’t grieving the loss just as hard, especially children. Some children may become overactive or start acting out. Teens can appear to be annoyed by the topic and refuse to discuss it. Regardless this isn’t a reflection on you or their feelings towards the person. Major changes such as becoming seriously withdrawn, extremely anxious, overly emotional, volatile, drastic changes in grades or school behavior, could be an indication of an inability to cope. In this happens, seek help immediately.
Death is simply one of those life lessons parents will be unable to shield their children from and all of the above lessons would apply the same even if it were a matter of a parent that had been lost. If we remember it’s a process and help them cope in a healthy way, it will not only make the loss easier, but it will start to build lifelong emotional resources within them.
On a final note, another useful tool is to keep in mind the five stages of mourning that every person goes through with a loss and a child is no exception because mourning is a universal emotion. Bereavement is different for everyone. The five stages do not necessarily occur in order and each one may be different in length and that is okay. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. The key to understanding and getting through a death is not the order, but the process:
Denial and Isolation
The first reaction to learning about a death of a loved one is to deny the reality of it. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that helps us to buffer the shock. It is simply a temporary response that will carry us through the initial pain.
Anger
As the effects of denial begin to wear off, the reality will set in, and the pain will re-emerge and often times we are not ready. We feel angry that our loved one has left us, we feel guilty for feeling angry, and that just makes the anger worse. Anger is an intense emotion deflected from vulnerability, redirected, and expressed. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends, or family, it can be directed at our dying or deceased loved one, and for religious persons, they may even become extremely angry with God. It is important for us to remember that this is part of the grieving and not blame the grieving party.
Bargaining
The normal reaction to feeling helpless and/or vulnerable is a need to regain control. Sometimes we do this by asking ourselves questions such as:
If only we had sought medical attention sooner
If only we got a second opinion from another doctor
If only we had tried to be a better person toward them
If only I had been there for them more
Sometimes, we secretly make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.
Depression
There are generally two types of depression associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss and Sadness and/or regret encompass this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial, we worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. We can make this phase easier to handle by simply clarifying and reassuring such as a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to tell our loved one goodbye. At the end of the day, sometimes we all just need a hug!
Acceptance
The simply face is, reaching this stage of mourning process is something not afforded to everyone. Sometimes death is sudden and unexpected we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It does not makes us braver or stronger than others to resist the inevitable and/or to deny ourselves the opportunity to make peace with the situation. This phase is marked by now being happy and having developed a calmness with the event and must be not confused with depression.
"Having an absent parent is not fair, it's not right, it's not easy, but these days, it's reality"
With the divorce rate in this country being over 50%, combined with the number of teenage pregnancies and couples having children out of wedlock, it shouldn’t be surprising there’s extraordinary number of children being raised in single parent households. These situations naturally become harder to handle for the child when there’s an absent parent. The effects of abandonment can be very difficult for the child and the parent caring for them. Although finding ways in which all parties can cope is not always easy, it can be done.
Giving reassurance:When a child is subjected to certain negative events, by nature they tend to place the responsibility of that event on themselves. So when there’s a parent who doesn’t call or visit, they’re even more likely to feel they have done something wrong. Children need to be reassured there’s nothing they have done that has had any effect on their parent’s decisions. Talk with them and make sure they understand they’ve done nothing wrong. They will also need reassurance you’re not going to leave them. Clearly with having only one parent, it will heighten their tension towards being abandoned by you.
Be Supportive:You may encounter a time when the child wants to contact the absent parent or speak with you about them. Again, when and if this happens, be supportive and understanding. Share what information you have in regards to the other parent, but don’t take advantage of the opportunity by talking bad about them. Many parents do make attempts to keep information about the absent parent from their children. This also may prove to backfire as the child grows up. There are certain roads our children have to travel. When it comes to the absent parent that child has to write their own story even if we know it will be hard and possibly painful for them. They deserve better than to be left with a lot of unanswered questions and no closure. When possible, it is always best practice to allow them access to the absent parent regardless of your about the situation or parent, but obviously keep it limited if safety necessitates. Allow your child the room and the respect to make their own conclusions in regards to their other parent while remaining supportive and non-biased.
Praise the Child:Children who are abandoned by one of their parents often have issues with low self esteem. It will become the responsibility of the parent who is present to encourage, praise, and lift the child up consistently to help offset those feelings. Get involved, participate, and be present in their life. You can do this by attending sporting events, plays, school functions, extracurricular activities or giving one to one time daily.
Being Honest:Lying or making up excuses in regards to the absent parent will not help your situation. As the child grows and matures intellectually, they will begin to develop their own conclusions about the situation. You will find when you lie about the absent parent, it will not be a question of IF it will backfire, it will be a question of WHEN because it will and could possibly damage your relationship with the child because they’ll be angry with you for lying to them. Explain to them the absent parent loves them, but may have trouble showing it the right way. DO NOT burden your child with the details of the situation or your personal issues about it. It may only cause them to feel further guilt and DO NOT , under any circumstances, bad mouth the other parent to your child. Your feelings in regards to the other parent, are your feelings. It’s irresponsible on the part of the parent to project those feelings onto the child.
Know When It’s Time To Seek Help:If you see drastic changes in your child’s behavior and/or attitude and you’ve attempted all the other tips, but you still feel things are going downhill, it may be time to find professional help. Sometimes talking with someone who is not involved in the family issues can help them to gain better understanding and better perspective. Since you know your child better than anyone, only you will be able to know whether or not the child may need professions help, but make sure you don’t lie to yourself about the severity of the behaviors, condone it, and/or make excuses because you feel guilty the child only has one parent. Steps need to be taken to not only avoid serious emotional/psychological problems as adults, but to also help ensure they don’t continue to the cycle with their own children.
Many of us didn’t have a perfect childhood and we ourselves may carry accumulated feelings of abandonment. No one can be exactly sure why many parents become absent from their child’s life. At the same time, some of the reasoning may be entirely too complicated, unacceptable, and/or just may not make enough sense to understand. As stated previously, growing up with an absent parent can have detrimental and lasting emotional effects as well as affecting school, work, and other relationships. The parents who are involved will be left with the responsibility of playing both parental roles. Ultimately, parents can only do the best they can to provide a child with a strong support system, an environment to express themselves, and a comfortable place to communicate. Some things will work and some things won’t, but as long as we as parents make choices with a single goal of “doing what is best for our children”, we find more times than not, things will fall into place.
At the end of the day it is important to remember, regardless of the reason your child now how one parent who is not as involved in their life, if involved at all, they did not choose that parent for themselves, you did. It is now your responsibility to LOVE your child MORE than you HATE your ex!
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy"
As parents we can all sympathize with the many painful experiences our children face daily in their lives because we too were once children. However, in this age of advanced technology, bullying behaviors are no longer just a matter of some minor name calling. They have become much more cruel, much more hurtful, and the price our children are paying, in terms of psychological and emotional damage, is much higher. In December 2000, 18 yr. old Brandon Swartwood, put a loaded gun to his head to end the pain he felt from bullies. In April 2009, 11 yr. old Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover hung himself in his home because he could no longer take the taunts of his peers. Also in that same month another 11 yr. old, Jaheem Hererra, also hung himself. 15 yr. old Eric Mohat had been bullied for years and one day was told by a peer in the middle of class "why don't you go home and kill yourself, no one would miss you anyway", so that is exactly what he did. 15 yr. old Phoebe Prince who hung herself in the closet of her bedroom, and 8 YR. OLD, Tori Blair hung herself in the woods behind her home because the 2ND GRADER could no longer take the abuse she was receiving at school. The list of young lives lost to suicide goes on and on, EVERYONE OF THEM, senseless and preventable. In the world today, if you are a parent, you have a 50/50 chance that you are either raising a bully or have a child who is a victim. It is our responsibility to save our children because even one life lost is one too many. I myself have personally experienced this in my life. I knew a 14 yr. old boy who tried to take his life by placing a loaded gun in his mouth and trying to take his own life. However, he was not successful and you yourself can judge whether you feel his life being save was a miracle or not considering the added difficulties he will now face. I cannot describe the level of disgust that I felt to know that this poor boy felt so much stress and heartache at such a young age that he truly felt his only way out was to end his life. Although rarely labeled as such, "Bullying" is a crime. Bullying injures, maims, destroys and kills just as effectively as a gun. It is MORE than time we begin to take a proactive approach as opposed to the knee jerk reactive stance we have been taking.
"Bullying" is a crime in which the bullies are rarely punished and the victims rarely receive justice. This crime is usually involves a victim being injured and/or traumatized over and over. However, since bullying is rarely acknowledged as a crime, few victims are notice and few care. Even worse, the victims themselves are often blamed by being told they must be doing something to deserve it. For that reason, too often these victims will suffer in silence. These senseless crimes are often ignored in the media and within our communities, however when the psychological damage done to these kids become externalized in the form of a school shooting, well then everyone all the sudden has something to say. Adults are protected in the workplace against bullying and these crimes can be prosecuted, but for some reason we don’t afford our children the same protection and rights. Too many adults simply turn their heads and chalk it up to “all part of growing up”. My question is why are we asking our children to ensure this when we are unwilling to especially when adults are far more capable of defending themselves as well as being far more capable of coping the emotional backlash that comes from being bullied. At what age does teasing become harassment, taunting become tormenting, following become stalking, punching become assaulting, and/or a fighting become battery.
Some children goes as far as leaving school to escape the torment because they feel sacrificing their education and futures is a fair exchange. Some children will turn to substance abuse and self-medicate their pain and suffering. Some lose all self-confidence and begin to feel there must be something wrong with them so this is all they are worth. In the worst cases, children choose to leave this world completely. When we choose to ignore the bullying actions of others were are just as guilty of bullying and are in essences promoting violence. We basically say to the bully, “You have the right to hurt people,” and to the victim, “You are not worth protecting.”
WHAT IS BULLYING?
Bullying involves repeated acts of physical, emotional, or social behavior that are intentional, controlling, and hurtful. Bullying is a learned behavior, evident as early as two years of age. Bullying can be either direct or indirect. Direct bullying usually is seen and felt readily. Indirect bullying (deliberate exclusion, name calling, etc.) is much more difficult to identify, often is more difficult to remedy and should be seen as different from direct bullying. Boys are more typically engaged in direct bullying and girls in indirect bullying, but that is not always the case.
WHY STOP BULLYING?
Bullying interferes with learning in school and may lead to increased absenteeism and dropout rates. Students feel less safe and less satisfied in school when there are high levels of bullying present. Children who are bullies could possibly become bullying adults. This makes them more likely to become child and spousal abusers. The longer bullying lasts, the harder it is to change. Bullies identified by age 8 are six times more likely to have a criminal conviction by age 24. Bullying may be linked to other delinquent, criminal and gang activities, such as shoplifting, drug abuse, and vandalism.
IS YOUR CHILD BEING BULLIED?
If your child exhibits one or more of these warning signs, he/she may be a victim of bullying. If you suspect your child could be the victim of a bully, it is IMPERATIVE that you further talk with your child about what you suspect:
Withdraws socially
Feels isolated, alone and sad.
Feels picked on or persecuted.
Feels rejected and not liked.
Frequently complains of illness.
Doesn't want to go to school, avoids some classes, or skips school.
Brings home damaged possessions or says they were “lost”.
Cries easily, display mood swings, and talks about hopelessness.
Has poor social skills.
Talks about running away and possibly talks of suicide.
Threatens violence to self and others.
Changes in eating or sleeping patterns.
Attempts and/or takes protection to school i.e. guns, knives, etc
If you suspect your child is being bullied, the following is a list of do's and don’ts: DO:
Make sure your child knows being bullied is not his or her fault.
Let your child know that he or she does not have to face being bullied alone.
Discuss ways of responding to bullies.
Teach your child to be assertive.
Tell your child not to react, but to walk away and get help if pursued.
Tell your child to report bullying immediately to a trusted adult.
Contact the school/teacher.
DON'T:
Ask children to solve a bullying problem between themselves and the bully. The differences in power could cause your child to only suffer further. Bullying problems require adult intervention.
Advise the bullied child to fight the bully.
Try to mediate a bullying situation. Bringing together children who are bullied with those who do the bullying to “work out” the problems between them usually only creates a bigger problem. It may also further victimize a child who is being bullied and it sends the wrong message to both parties.
Blame either the victim or the bully. Instead, gather as much information as possible. Look at your own child’s behavior and style of interaction and consider how you might help him/her to handle these types of situations in the future.
WARNING SIGNS INDICATING A BULLY:
Seeks to dominate and/or manipulate others.
Enjoys feeling powerful and in control.
Is both a poor winner and a poor loser.
Seems to derive satisfaction from other’s fears, discomfort, or pain.
Is good at hiding behaviors or doing them where adults can’t notice.
Is excited by conflicts between others.
Blames others for his/her problems.
Displays uncontrolled anger.
Has a history of discipline problems.
Displays a pattern of impulsive and chronic hitting, intimidating, and aggressive behaviors.
Has a history of violent and aggressive behaviors.
Displays intolerance and prejudice towards others.
May use drugs, alcohol or be a member of a gang.
Lacks empathy towards others.
IF YOU THINK YOUR CHILD IS A BULLY:
Be sure that your child knows that bullying is NOT acceptable behavior.
Tell your child the penalties for bullying and be sure that you enforce them fairly and consistently.
Help your child learn alternative ways to deal with anger and frustration.
Teach and reward more appropriate behavior.
Work out a way for your child to make amends for the bullying.
Help your child develop an understanding of the impact of their bullying on the target.
Seek help or counseling if the behavior continues.
If contacted by the school, STAY CALM, TRY NOT TO BECOME ANGRY AND
DEFENSIVE! Make yourself really listen. Remember this is ultimately about the well-being of your child! DO NOT get defensive and refuse to listen to what the school and/or others are trying to tell you.
Prevent your child from becoming a VICTIM:
Instill self-confidence in your child.
Help your child establish good social skills.
Teach your child to speak out for him or herself.
Teach your child to seek help, if harassed, from you and other caring adults.
PREVENT YOUR CHILD FROM BECOMING A BULLY:
Present yourself as a model of non-violent behavior.
Clearly state that violence is not acceptable.
Assist your child in finding non-violent strategies for anger management and conflict resolution.
Seek help from mental health/school counselors to help stop bullying and aggressive behavior
"Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see"
Conception:
The best environment in which we can bring a child is one where the parents have consciously prepared their bodies, minds, and spirits for pregnancy as well as for the birth. Conception should be viewed as a commitment between themselves and their baby. Expectant parents also need to ensure they are completely aware of what their role and responsibilities will be as a mother and/or father. However, even if a pregnancy is unplanned, it’s still very possible to create a healthy and nurturing environment for the expected child.
Considerations Prior To Having Child:
First you need to decide whether or not having and raising a child will fit into your current lifestyle. Think about your job demands, your extra activities, your mate’s job demands, your living environment i.e. do you have enough room and if not, is moving feasible. Assess your physical, mental, and emotional preparedness to have a baby. Would you be having one for the right reasons and with the right intentions? Are you being honest with yourself about your intentions? Second, be honest with yourself in regards to your ability to fully love and nurture your child. Examine the support you have available to you such as family and friends. Provide the child with support from both genders and multiple generations to increase opportunities for role modeling. Having a child is an ENORMOUS responsibility and anyone naïve enough to feel they can fully do it on their own is only doing a disservice to their child and themselves. Finally, you will need to look at your lifestyle choices and whether or not it will be conducive to raising a child.
Positive Infant-Parent Bonding:
There are several issues parents will encounter when raising a child that if addressed negatively can greatly affect the developing bond with their child. One large step that can be taken to avoiding damaging the parent-child bonding process is to avoid the use of substitutes for human contact as much as possible, such as strollers, carriers, portable seats, cribs, etc. You also do not want the child to become solely dependent on being held or carried all the time either, so you will need to seek out the middle ground between the two. When a child cries, it’s an expression of a need and should not be viewed as a manipulation. Each time a parent responds to a child’s cry it further cements their ability to trust their parents and eventually the world. Again, you will need to find a middle ground since the only exercise a new baby gets is crying, there will be times when a child is not crying due to a need. The ultimate goal is to not make a habit of utilizing this assumption with your child. If for some reason a biological parent cannot be consistently present for reasons such as military service, work, etc. it’s best to keep a consistent presence of them. You can do this through photos, videos, letters, and phone calls. Environment is another area to consider. Young children especially will require confidence in being able to predict their environment and those in it. Chaos and unpredictability WILL NOT contribute to positive development. Parents need to make every effort to provide consistency in their child’s life for the first three to five years. This includes things such as not moving around a lot, continually bringing different people in and out of their lives, and/or consistently changing day cares, babysitters and/or nannies. Another bonding essential is to not make the child feel as though the providing of love and affection is dependent upon the child’s behaviors.
Having a father consistently present in a child’s life will not only be significant to the child, but it will also be significant to the overall well being of the family unit. Their role clearly begins at conception, but will continue through the pregnancy by giving the mother physical and emotional support/protection. If there’s no biological father present, having a loving, consistent relationship with a male figure will still prove to be beneficial. Although it’s easy to lose sight of the father’s role during pregnancy, it makes the relationship and bond with the child no less important. Their role as the protector of mother and baby needs to be recognized and respected.
Honoring and Respecting The Child's Nature and Needs:
All children are born with the need for physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual needs that have to be met in order to help guarantee optimal development. Children will naturally imitate what they see around them. Negative role modeling can disrupt appropriate emotional development. This further illustrates the importance for parents to not yell, scream, fight, hit, or demonstrate any other extremely negative behaviors in their presence. The flip side is parents have to remember to demonstrate appropriate responses/reactions to the behaviors and attitudes of others. Safety is a huge need when children are young and they rely solely on their parents to keep them from the social toxins we’re all aware of. So parents not only have to be careful of whom they allow their child to come into contact with, but they also have to listen to their children when they are saying they feel uncomfortable and/or unsafe. When this is lacking in a child’s life it can also seriously impair their sense of trust and security. Physical needs are just as important to overall development. Parents have to protect their child brain and nervous systems development, i.e. video games, television, music, comp., etc. These visual and auditory influences do have their place in meeting a child’s needs, but you can over stimulate them and inhibit development.
Recognizing and Nourishing Differences:
Children, just as adults are social beings with a desire to play, learn, interact with others, and be physically present in their world. Therefore we’re most likely to reach our full potential as human beings when we’re placed in an environment where we are given respect as well as emotional and physical support. Children will also need some flexibility in their world while working to develop their problem solving skills. So it’s best to introduce a child friendly environment that has consistent and clear boundaries in which they can be creative, play, interact with others and nature, or just be themselves. When you begin to witness your child’s learning styles and abilities emerge, parents must remember that even though these styles may not be parallel to their own, they deserve no less respect than you do. The better you are able to understand your child’s personal development, the better you will be at nurturing your child in unison with their own identified styles.
A critical component to nurturing the development of your child’s personal tastes and interests is to encourage their developing abilities as opposed to constricting their development through restrictive, structured academics, specifically prior to age seven. Every child will have their own type of intelligence. Some will advance academically while others appear to have stronger kinesthetic or interpersonal abilities. A large key to seeing their true abilities erupt is to avoid shaping behavior and patterns through the use of bribes, threats, or punishments. Simply view challenging behavioral moments in parenting as more of a learning opportunity as opposed to hindrance. Another nurturing tool is validation. Just as adults, children need to be validated and acknowledged by others. Using positive words and actions can be a very impactful parenting tool. Forcing development and/or compliance through fear, intimidation, punishments, or threats will only prove to not only be detrimental to the child’s development, but also to the child’s relationship with the parent.
Functioning Within Society:
Socially responsive families and communities foster the development of age appropriate, creative, and compassionate problem solving/decision making skills and children who are raised within this type of environment tend to become socially responsible and responsive themselves. This is primarily because others have role modeled for them how to respect and respond appropriately to the needs of others.
Parental Education and Support: Effective parenting skills aren’t knowledge we are born with, but can be learned. Having the appropriate information in regards to developmental stages, overall needs, and basic child rearing will be imperative for parents to make informed decisions as well as making them strong advocates for their child’s well being. Parents can seek out education through classes, support groups, reading materials, videos, etc. and they need to ensure the avenue they use as a means of education promotes an attachment style of parenting. Due to the increasing number of single parent homes we are facing, it’s crucial we don’t make these parents feel isolated and unsupported. A helpful tip for these parents is to seek out community housing options and/or programs that are specifically geared towards the lifestyle, needs, and wants of the single parent. One final note is that when expecting a child, we never assume anything other than a perfect, healthy baby, but there’s always the chance a child could be born with special needs. It’s never a bad idea for parents to take this into consideration and ensure they already have a support plan in place just in case this scenario becomes a reality. Parents can seek out counseling and/or support group options. This way if they do have a child with special needs, they are less likely to feel lost and unprepared.
At the end of the day, babies and children are just like computers, with one difference. They do not come with a backspace or delete button. Everything that GOES IN will STAY IN!!! It is crucial that we monitor what they see, what they hear, and what they do, but it is also unrealistic to think any parent is going to be perfect. What is realistic is being responsible, being mindful, being watchful, being consistent, being proactive, and being diligent. For ultimately, good, bad, or indifferent, parents are responsible for the effect their children on the this world and the people within it.
Many years ago, I was a person who believed there was NEVER a reason for abortion. Completely die hard, passionate, antiabortion and nothing could have convinced me otherwise. Well, isn't funny how life always has a funny way of changing our minds when we least expect it and change mine did, drastically, on March 20, 1998. That was the day I gave birth to my first daughter, Kylee Janelle.
Kylee was a beautiful, brown haired, yet premature little girl who struggled from the minute she came into this world and her struggle only got worse over the next four hours. You see, during the 5th and 6th weeks of my pregnancy when her heart was forming, it failed to form the valves coming out of the left side that were responsible for pumping oxygenated blood to her entire body. Therefore, everything was fine during the pregnancy (other than her being premature) and she didn't have an issue until she needed to breath on her own. Her heart was pumping oxygenated blood into the right side of her body and carbonated blood was backing up into the left side causing it to swell. Obviously having balance between carbon dioxide and oxygen in the human body is crucial because too much carbon dioxide increases acidity levels. Therefore, she had such high levels of acidity, it was essentially destroying her from the inside out (for lack of a better phrase) slowly working away at her brain tissue, muscles, organs, and she was naturally suffering, greatly. They had given her pain medication that pretty much kept her sedated until they could figure out if there was a way to save her.
Doctors were going back and forth trying to decide if they could operate, if she needed to be flown to Dallas, keeping in mind the only pediatric cardiologist we had in Amarillo at that time, was on vacation. While they are trying to decide this, they also had to factor in that Kylee had to this point not even taken one breath on her own causing leaving her brain and body deprived of oxygen the entire time, except what they could give her. This sweet tiny treasure was causing such a conundrum and only weighed about 5 pounds. There just kept being fewer and fewer choices, but it was as if no one wanted to actually say, we are going to end this. All these professionals, all these highly educated men, all this testosterone, and yet they all appeared to be kindergartners on a playground for the first time, on their first day of school, and terrified to say hello to anyone.
So being her mother, the one who had been carrying and loving her for a little over 7 months, the one who felt ever kick, and every hiccup, had to face reality, and finally put an end to her suffering. Even if they were able to save Kylee, like I said, her brain had been denied oxygen for hours which we all know made her chances of being severely mentally retarded profound. She would have been extremely lucky to live to the age of two. She would have more than likely also been seriously physically handicapped. Of course, it would be almost impossible to guess the damage the carbon dioxide had done internally and that left a whole host of other issues to consider. At some point I had to ask are we doing all this for us, or for her? If the doctors are able to save her, what kind of life would she have? Is it fair to make that kind of a decision for her? Is it fair to decide for another person that their suffering so far had not been profound enough, so I feel we should extend it? I had to make a choice NO person should ever have to make, but had to do what I felt as her mother, was going to ultimately be best, and asked them to end her suffering and let her go. It was my decision, that I made, for my daughter, that I have to live with, and to this day, I feel I made the right choice. Three days after I gave birth to that magnificent creature, I gave her back to God.
I did get pregnant two more times after during which they did a special sonogram, that I did not get with Kylee because I had no predisposition for this heart defect. I was told if either Kyndall or James possessed the same birth defect, I would have two choices, abortion or I could give birth to another child who would suffer and then pass away. This was also not a sonogram they could do until I was between 18-20 weeks. The reason this particular deformity is so hard to address is because the valve we are talking about replacing is not much bigger than an coffee straw making it a tremendously difficult and dangerous procedure. That combined with the fact I had a history of premature babies, of having difficult labors/deliveries, and the odds for success were just not in our favor. However, by the grace of God, while they were also both preemies, neither had the same defect.
The reason I share this story is not for "poor Stacy" attention. It is not to make people feel bad, not to judge the opinions of others, or make others change their opinions. It is something to only suggest two things. The first being, as I have said many times, there are just some situations in life that are so difficult, so painful, and so torturous, that unless YOU have faced them, lived them, and felt them to the core of your being, it simply isn't really fair for you to make judgments about what a person should or should not have done or do. Especially in situations where all of the choices are terrible, all of the choices are painful, and none of the choices will have a happy ending. The second being reason because that most of things that "bother" society are based in theory as far as those discussing and debating them. However, for many people, they ARE NOT theories, with black and white choices only to ever be seen on paper. For in many circumstances there are REAL people, REAL feelings, REAL pain involved. I am one of those real people. THANK GOD I never had to make that choice, but you can believe one thing...If I could still have children, made the decision to do so, and found myself in a place where I had to choose between abortion or ever watching again what Kylee had to go through, there is NOT a person on this earth, that would stand in judgment of me OR stand there and tell me one of those choices is better than the other!
Here is one more thing to factor in. For people who will or have dealt with this issue, they also face having to debate to themselves what is the lesser of two evils? Having an abortion which is ending a life, but you never have to physically see that life, you will never hold it, and you will never connect with it. Or do I wait until it's born and now have a face to go with your pain and your ugly decision, have extensive medical bills due to the life saving efforts they will provide, a funeral to pay for, and more intense grief to deal with. That may all sound heartless to many people, but like I said, for many of us, that was or will be our reality and VERY MUCH facts that we have to contend with!
Lastly, I would like to add, I fully support any one's right to believe as they like. I am also grown and fully aware not everyone will agree with me. I do not feel abortion should be a form of birth control by any means, but I do feel there are certain situations that unfortunately abortion has to be a consideration. Here's the rub...in these cases, I can promise you the person involved will not be any less heartbroken by having to consider it than you are. The only difference will be, they have to live with their decision...while you on the other hand, well, the only thing you have to deal with, is the energy it takes to complain about them and their decision.
I did state in the beginning that I wonder if people would change their minds with different information, but that is still not my ultimate hope. I am only hoping that once and a while, some of those of those who are so outspoken about the murderers we are and how we are going to hell, might actually realize that NOT ALL decisions in life are arrived at so freely, easily, and with a clear conscience. Kylee never took a breath, she never opened her eyes, and she never made one sound. I got to hold her once while she was alive and she had more machines hooked up to her than ANYONE should ever be forced to see on their less than 5 pound, 2 hour old infant daughter. After that, the only time I got to hold her, she was already gone. I can only tell you three things that I know for sure about her...She had brown hair, I am about 95% sure it would have been curly, and I loved her no less than I do my other three, four hours or forty years with her would not have changed the level of that love!
Life is the only class that gives you the test first and teaches the lessons after so be careful what you say, because life has a very twisted way of deciding who gets taught what lessons...and I would not have wished this lesson on my worst enemy!
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