Kylee was a beautiful, brown haired, yet premature little girl who struggled from the minute she came into this world and her struggle only got worse over the next four hours. You see, during the 5th and 6th weeks of my pregnancy when her heart was forming, it failed to form the valves coming out of the left side that were responsible for pumping oxygenated blood to her entire body. Therefore, everything was fine during the pregnancy (other than her being premature) and she didn't have an issue until she needed to breath on her own. Her heart was pumping oxygenated blood into the right side of her body and carbonated blood was backing up into the left side causing it to swell. Obviously having balance between carbon dioxide and oxygen in the human body is crucial because too much carbon dioxide increases acidity levels. Therefore, she had such high levels of acidity, it was essentially destroying her from the inside out (for lack of a better phrase) slowly working away at her brain tissue, muscles, organs, and she was naturally suffering, greatly. They had given her pain medication that pretty much kept her sedated until they could figure out if there was a way to save her.
Doctors were going back and forth trying to decide if they could operate, if she needed to be flown to Dallas, keeping in mind the only pediatric cardiologist we had in Amarillo at that time, was on vacation. While they are trying to decide this, they also had to factor in that Kylee had to this point not even taken one breath on her own causing leaving her brain and body deprived of oxygen the entire time, except what they could give her. This sweet tiny treasure was causing such a conundrum and only weighed about 5 pounds. There just kept being fewer and fewer choices, but it was as if no one wanted to actually say, we are going to end this. All these professionals, all these highly educated men, all this testosterone, and yet they all appeared to be kindergartners on a playground for the first time, on their first day of school, and terrified to say hello to anyone.
So being her mother, the one who had been carrying and loving her for a little over 7 months, the one who felt ever kick, and every hiccup, had to face reality, and finally put an end to her suffering. Even if they were able to save Kylee, like I said, her brain had been denied oxygen for hours which we all know made her chances of being severely mentally retarded profound. She would have been extremely lucky to live to the age of two. She would have more than likely also been seriously physically handicapped. Of course, it would be almost impossible to guess the damage the carbon dioxide had done internally and that left a whole host of other issues to consider. At some point I had to ask are we doing all this for us, or for her? If the doctors are able to save her, what kind of life would she have? Is it fair to make that kind of a decision for her? Is it fair to decide for another person that their suffering so far had not been profound enough, so I feel we should extend it? I had to make a choice NO person should ever have to make, but had to do what I felt as her mother, was going to ultimately be best, and asked them to end her suffering and let her go. It was my decision, that I made, for my daughter, that I have to live with, and to this day, I feel I made the right choice. Three days after I gave birth to that magnificent creature, I gave her back to God.
I did get pregnant two more times after during which they did a special sonogram, that I did not get with Kylee because I had no predisposition for this heart defect. I was told if either Kyndall or James possessed the same birth defect, I would have two choices, abortion or I could give birth to another child who would suffer and then pass away. This was also not a sonogram they could do until I was between 18-20 weeks. The reason this particular deformity is so hard to address is because the valve we are talking about replacing is not much bigger than an coffee straw making it a tremendously difficult and dangerous procedure. That combined with the fact I had a history of premature babies, of having difficult labors/deliveries, and the odds for success were just not in our favor. However, by the grace of God, while they were also both preemies, neither had the same defect.
The reason I share this story is not for "poor Stacy" attention. It is not to make people feel bad, not to judge the opinions of others, or make others change their opinions. It is something to only suggest two things. The first being, as I have said many times, there are just some situations in life that are so difficult, so painful, and so torturous, that unless YOU have faced them, lived them, and felt them to the core of your being, it simply isn't really fair for you to make judgments about what a person should or should not have done or do. Especially in situations where all of the choices are terrible, all of the choices are painful, and none of the choices will have a happy ending. The second being reason because that most of things that "bother" society are based in theory as far as those discussing and debating them. However, for many people, they ARE NOT theories, with black and white choices only to ever be seen on paper. For in many circumstances there are REAL people, REAL feelings, REAL pain involved. I am one of those real people. THANK GOD I never had to make that choice, but you can believe one thing...If I could still have children, made the decision to do so, and found myself in a place where I had to choose between abortion or ever watching again what Kylee had to go through, there is NOT a person on this earth, that would stand in judgment of me OR stand there and tell me one of those choices is better than the other!
Here is one more thing to factor in. For people who will or have dealt with this issue, they also face having to debate to themselves what is the lesser of two evils? Having an abortion which is ending a life, but you never have to physically see that life, you will never hold it, and you will never connect with it. Or do I wait until it's born and now have a face to go with your pain and your ugly decision, have extensive medical bills due to the life saving efforts they will provide, a funeral to pay for, and more intense grief to deal with. That may all sound heartless to many people, but like I said, for many of us, that was or will be our reality and VERY MUCH facts that we have to contend with!
Lastly, I would like to add, I fully support any one's right to believe as they like. I am also grown and fully aware not everyone will agree with me. I do not feel abortion should be a form of birth control by any means, but I do feel there are certain situations that unfortunately abortion has to be a consideration. Here's the rub...in these cases, I can promise you the person involved will not be any less heartbroken by having to consider it than you are. The only difference will be, they have to live with their decision...while you on the other hand, well, the only thing you have to deal with, is the energy it takes to complain about them and their decision.
I did state in the beginning that I wonder if people would change their minds with different information, but that is still not my ultimate hope. I am only hoping that once and a while, some of those of those who are so outspoken about the murderers we are and how we are going to hell, might actually realize that NOT ALL decisions in life are arrived at so freely, easily, and with a clear conscience. Kylee never took a breath, she never opened her eyes, and she never made one sound. I got to hold her once while she was alive and she had more machines hooked up to her than ANYONE should ever be forced to see on their less than 5 pound, 2 hour old infant daughter. After that, the only time I got to hold her, she was already gone. I can only tell you three things that I know for sure about her...She had brown hair, I am about 95% sure it would have been curly, and I loved her no less than I do my other three, four hours or forty years with her would not have changed the level of that love!
Life is the only class that gives you the test first and teaches the lessons after so be careful what you say, because life has a very twisted way of deciding who gets taught what lessons...and I would not have wished this lesson on my worst enemy!
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