Children younger than 5 or 6 have a very literal view of the world so use basic, but concrete terms. For example, you can tell them the person’s body just doesn’t work anymore and the doctor’s weren’t able to fix it. They may have an easier time understanding “death” as meaning the person’s body stopped working. Kids this age have difficulty associating death with finality so don’t be surprised if they continue to ask when their loved one is coming back. Just calmly reiterate when a person dies, it means they can’t come back. Avoid using phrases like “went away” or “went to sleep”. These phrases will only add to their confusion and it can also cause them to develop a personal fear of going to sleep.
Children who are 6-10 have a better idea about the finality of death, but at the same time may have an altered perception of death in that they may associate it with things such as the “boogeyman” or skeletons. Again it is important to be accurate, clear, and honest with your explanations.
Older children are able to make the connection that eventually everything dies regardless of behavior or wishes. However, as their understanding evolves, their level and number of questions will also. If someone they know dies in a car accident for example, they may become apprehensive about being in a car. Help them understand that yes, the accident was a terrible thing, but also explain why it’s even more important to make every effort to be safe and smart when riding in a car. Like always wearing a seat belt or never get into the car with anyone who has been drinking. Teens also tend to search for much deeper meanings of death, especially when it’s someone very close to them in that they will explore “the meaning of life.” When a teen has a peer die or they were involved in an accident where someone died and they didn’t, teens will carry a great deal of guilt. ENCOURAGE THEM TO EXPRESS AND SHARE THEIR GRIEF! At the same time, don’t hide your grief from your children. This will show them crying isn’t an unnatural and/or unwanted response to emotional pain. Should you take your child to the funeral? This decision is totally up to the parent and the child. Children should be allowed to participate in any part of the mourning process they feel comfortable with, but make sure they’re completely aware of what to expect such as the casket, the viewing of the body in some cases, and that the person in the casket cannot see or hear anything. There cannot be unnecessary surprises that will add to their anxiety.
If you feel you need assistance or other resources to help a child and/or yourself get through a time such as this, there are grief counselors, books, and some community programs available. Some communities even offer special camps children can attend that will allow them to be surrounded by other children who are experiencing the same things they are. If you are dealing with an impending death of a loved one due to terminal illness, do not hesitate to ask your doctor to give you extra time or to explain just once more the details of your loved one’s illness, even if that means arranging a special appointment. Make sure you get clear answers to your questions regarding the medical diagnosis and treatment so you feel most comfortable when the time comes to explain things to your child.
Above all, grieving a personal process that has no time limit, nor one “right” way to do it. Coping with loss is a deeply personal experience and most cannot understand all the emotions that children go through, but we can be there for them and help comfort them through the process. The best thing you can do is to allow them to feel the grief as it comes because resisting it will only prolong the natural process of healing. Also remember that lack of crying doesn’t mean someone isn’t grieving the loss just as hard, especially children. Some children may become overactive or start acting out. Teens can appear to be annoyed by the topic and refuse to discuss it. Regardless this isn’t a reflection on you or their feelings towards the person. Major changes such as becoming seriously withdrawn, extremely anxious, overly emotional, volatile, drastic changes in grades or school behavior, could be an indication of an inability to cope. In this happens, seek help immediately.
Death is simply one of those life lessons parents will be unable to shield their children from and all of the above lessons would apply the same even if it were a matter of a parent that had been lost. If we remember it’s a process and help them cope in a healthy way, it will not only make the loss easier, but it will start to build lifelong emotional resources within them.
On a final note, another useful tool is to keep in mind the five stages of mourning that every person goes through with a loss and a child is no exception because mourning is a universal emotion. Bereavement is different for everyone. The five stages do not necessarily occur in order and each one may be different in length and that is okay. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. The key to understanding and getting through a death is not the order, but the process:
Denial and Isolation
The first reaction to learning about a death of a loved one is to deny the reality of it. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that helps us to buffer the shock. It is simply a temporary response that will carry us through the initial pain.
Anger
As the effects of denial begin to wear off, the reality will set in, and the pain will re-emerge and often times we are not ready. We feel angry that our loved one has left us, we feel guilty for feeling angry, and that just makes the anger worse. Anger is an intense emotion deflected from vulnerability, redirected, and expressed. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends, or family, it can be directed at our dying or deceased loved one, and for religious persons, they may even become extremely angry with God. It is important for us to remember that this is part of the grieving and not blame the grieving party.
Bargaining
The normal reaction to feeling helpless and/or vulnerable is a need to regain control. Sometimes we do this by asking ourselves questions such as:
- If only we had sought medical attention sooner
- If only we got a second opinion from another doctor
- If only we had tried to be a better person toward them
- If only I had been there for them more
Depression
There are generally two types of depression associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss and Sadness and/or regret encompass this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial, we worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. We can make this phase easier to handle by simply clarifying and reassuring such as a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to tell our loved one goodbye. At the end of the day, sometimes we all just need a hug!
Acceptance
The simply face is, reaching this stage of mourning process is something not afforded to everyone. Sometimes death is sudden and unexpected we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It does not makes us braver or stronger than others to resist the inevitable and/or to deny ourselves the opportunity to make peace with the situation. This phase is marked by now being happy and having developed a calmness with the event and must be not confused with depression.
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