"Having an absent parent is not fair, it's not right, it's not easy, but these days, it's reality"
With the divorce rate in this country being over 50%, combined with the number of teenage pregnancies and couples having children out of wedlock, it shouldn’t be surprising there’s extraordinary number of children being raised in single parent households. These situations naturally become harder to handle for the child when there’s an absent parent. The effects of abandonment can be very difficult for the child and the parent caring for them. Although finding ways in which all parties can cope is not always easy, it can be done.
Giving reassurance:When a child is subjected to certain negative events, by nature they tend to place the responsibility of that event on themselves. So when there’s a parent who doesn’t call or visit, they’re even more likely to feel they have done something wrong. Children need to be reassured there’s nothing they have done that has had any effect on their parent’s decisions. Talk with them and make sure they understand they’ve done nothing wrong. They will also need reassurance you’re not going to leave them. Clearly with having only one parent, it will heighten their tension towards being abandoned by you.
Be Supportive:You may encounter a time when the child wants to contact the absent parent or speak with you about them. Again, when and if this happens, be supportive and understanding. Share what information you have in regards to the other parent, but don’t take advantage of the opportunity by talking bad about them. Many parents do make attempts to keep information about the absent parent from their children. This also may prove to backfire as the child grows up. There are certain roads our children have to travel. When it comes to the absent parent that child has to write their own story even if we know it will be hard and possibly painful for them. They deserve better than to be left with a lot of unanswered questions and no closure. When possible, it is always best practice to allow them access to the absent parent regardless of your about the situation or parent, but obviously keep it limited if safety necessitates. Allow your child the room and the respect to make their own conclusions in regards to their other parent while remaining supportive and non-biased.
Praise the Child:Children who are abandoned by one of their parents often have issues with low self esteem. It will become the responsibility of the parent who is present to encourage, praise, and lift the child up consistently to help offset those feelings. Get involved, participate, and be present in their life. You can do this by attending sporting events, plays, school functions, extracurricular activities or giving one to one time daily.
Being Honest:Lying or making up excuses in regards to the absent parent will not help your situation. As the child grows and matures intellectually, they will begin to develop their own conclusions about the situation. You will find when you lie about the absent parent, it will not be a question of IF it will backfire, it will be a question of WHEN because it will and could possibly damage your relationship with the child because they’ll be angry with you for lying to them. Explain to them the absent parent loves them, but may have trouble showing it the right way. DO NOT burden your child with the details of the situation or your personal issues about it. It may only cause them to feel further guilt and DO NOT , under any circumstances, bad mouth the other parent to your child. Your feelings in regards to the other parent, are your feelings. It’s irresponsible on the part of the parent to project those feelings onto the child.
Know When It’s Time To Seek Help:If you see drastic changes in your child’s behavior and/or attitude and you’ve attempted all the other tips, but you still feel things are going downhill, it may be time to find professional help. Sometimes talking with someone who is not involved in the family issues can help them to gain better understanding and better perspective. Since you know your child better than anyone, only you will be able to know whether or not the child may need professions help, but make sure you don’t lie to yourself about the severity of the behaviors, condone it, and/or make excuses because you feel guilty the child only has one parent. Steps need to be taken to not only avoid serious emotional/psychological problems as adults, but to also help ensure they don’t continue to the cycle with their own children.
Many of us didn’t have a perfect childhood and we ourselves may carry accumulated feelings of abandonment. No one can be exactly sure why many parents become absent from their child’s life. At the same time, some of the reasoning may be entirely too complicated, unacceptable, and/or just may not make enough sense to understand. As stated previously, growing up with an absent parent can have detrimental and lasting emotional effects as well as affecting school, work, and other relationships. The parents who are involved will be left with the responsibility of playing both parental roles. Ultimately, parents can only do the best they can to provide a child with a strong support system, an environment to express themselves, and a comfortable place to communicate. Some things will work and some things won’t, but as long as we as parents make choices with a single goal of “doing what is best for our children”, we find more times than not, things will fall into place.
At the end of the day it is important to remember, regardless of the reason your child now how one parent who is not as involved in their life, if involved at all, they did not choose that parent for themselves, you did. It is now your responsibility to LOVE your child MORE than you HATE your ex!
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