"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy"
As parents we can all sympathize with the many painful experiences our children face daily in their lives because we too were once children. However, in this age of advanced technology, bullying behaviors are no longer just a matter of some minor name calling. They have become much more cruel, much more hurtful, and the price our children are paying, in terms of psychological and emotional damage, is much higher. In December 2000, 18 yr. old Brandon Swartwood, put a loaded gun to his head to end the pain he felt from bullies. In April 2009, 11 yr. old Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover hung himself in his home because he could no longer take the taunts of his peers. Also in that same month another 11 yr. old, Jaheem Hererra, also hung himself. 15 yr. old Eric Mohat had been bullied for years and one day was told by a peer in the middle of class "why don't you go home and kill yourself, no one would miss you anyway", so that is exactly what he did. 15 yr. old Phoebe Prince who hung herself in the closet of her bedroom, and 8 YR. OLD, Tori Blair hung herself in the woods behind her home because the 2ND GRADER could no longer take the abuse she was receiving at school. The list of young lives lost to suicide goes on and on, EVERYONE OF THEM, senseless and preventable. In the world today, if you are a parent, you have a 50/50 chance that you are either raising a bully or have a child who is a victim. It is our responsibility to save our children because even one life lost is one too many. I myself have personally experienced this in my life. I knew a 14 yr. old boy who tried to take his life by placing a loaded gun in his mouth and trying to take his own life. However, he was not successful and you yourself can judge whether you feel his life being save was a miracle or not considering the added difficulties he will now face. I cannot describe the level of disgust that I felt to know that this poor boy felt so much stress and heartache at such a young age that he truly felt his only way out was to end his life. Although rarely labeled as such, "Bullying" is a crime. Bullying injures, maims, destroys and kills just as effectively as a gun. It is MORE than time we begin to take a proactive approach as opposed to the knee jerk reactive stance we have been taking.
"Bullying" is a crime in which the bullies are rarely punished and the victims rarely receive justice. This crime is usually involves a victim being injured and/or traumatized over and over. However, since bullying is rarely acknowledged as a crime, few victims are notice and few care. Even worse, the victims themselves are often blamed by being told they must be doing something to deserve it. For that reason, too often these victims will suffer in silence. These senseless crimes are often ignored in the media and within our communities, however when the psychological damage done to these kids become externalized in the form of a school shooting, well then everyone all the sudden has something to say. Adults are protected in the workplace against bullying and these crimes can be prosecuted, but for some reason we don’t afford our children the same protection and rights. Too many adults simply turn their heads and chalk it up to “all part of growing up”. My question is why are we asking our children to ensure this when we are unwilling to especially when adults are far more capable of defending themselves as well as being far more capable of coping the emotional backlash that comes from being bullied. At what age does teasing become harassment, taunting become tormenting, following become stalking, punching become assaulting, and/or a fighting become battery.
Some children goes as far as leaving school to escape the torment because they feel sacrificing their education and futures is a fair exchange. Some children will turn to substance abuse and self-medicate their pain and suffering. Some lose all self-confidence and begin to feel there must be something wrong with them so this is all they are worth. In the worst cases, children choose to leave this world completely. When we choose to ignore the bullying actions of others were are just as guilty of bullying and are in essences promoting violence. We basically say to the bully, “You have the right to hurt people,” and to the victim, “You are not worth protecting.”
WHAT IS BULLYING?
Bullying involves repeated acts of physical, emotional, or social behavior that are intentional, controlling, and hurtful. Bullying is a learned behavior, evident as early as two years of age. Bullying can be either direct or indirect. Direct bullying usually is seen and felt readily. Indirect bullying (deliberate exclusion, name calling, etc.) is much more difficult to identify, often is more difficult to remedy and should be seen as different from direct bullying. Boys are more typically engaged in direct bullying and girls in indirect bullying, but that is not always the case.
WHY STOP BULLYING?
Bullying interferes with learning in school and may lead to increased absenteeism and dropout rates. Students feel less safe and less satisfied in school when there are high levels of bullying present. Children who are bullies could possibly become bullying adults. This makes them more likely to become child and spousal abusers. The longer bullying lasts, the harder it is to change. Bullies identified by age 8 are six times more likely to have a criminal conviction by age 24. Bullying may be linked to other delinquent, criminal and gang activities, such as shoplifting, drug abuse, and vandalism.
IS YOUR CHILD BEING BULLIED?
If your child exhibits one or more of these warning signs, he/she may be a victim of bullying. If you suspect your child could be the victim of a bully, it is IMPERATIVE that you further talk with your child about what you suspect:
Withdraws socially
Feels isolated, alone and sad.
Feels picked on or persecuted.
Feels rejected and not liked.
Frequently complains of illness.
Doesn't want to go to school, avoids some classes, or skips school.
Brings home damaged possessions or says they were “lost”.
Cries easily, display mood swings, and talks about hopelessness.
Has poor social skills.
Talks about running away and possibly talks of suicide.
Threatens violence to self and others.
Changes in eating or sleeping patterns.
Attempts and/or takes protection to school i.e. guns, knives, etc
If you suspect your child is being bullied, the following is a list of do's and don’ts:
DO:
Make sure your child knows being bullied is not his or her fault.
Let your child know that he or she does not have to face being bullied alone.
Discuss ways of responding to bullies.
Teach your child to be assertive.
Tell your child not to react, but to walk away and get help if pursued.
Tell your child to report bullying immediately to a trusted adult.
Contact the school/teacher.
DON'T:
Ask children to solve a bullying problem between themselves and the bully. The differences in power could cause your child to only suffer further. Bullying problems require adult intervention.
Advise the bullied child to fight the bully.
Try to mediate a bullying situation. Bringing together children who are bullied with those who do the bullying to “work out” the problems between them usually only creates a bigger problem. It may also further victimize a child who is being bullied and it sends the wrong message to both parties.
Blame either the victim or the bully. Instead, gather as much information as possible. Look at your own child’s behavior and style of interaction and consider how you might help him/her to handle these types of situations in the future.
WARNING SIGNS INDICATING A BULLY:
Seeks to dominate and/or manipulate others.
Enjoys feeling powerful and in control.
Is both a poor winner and a poor loser.
Seems to derive satisfaction from other’s fears, discomfort, or pain.
Is good at hiding behaviors or doing them where adults can’t notice.
Is excited by conflicts between others.
Blames others for his/her problems.
Displays uncontrolled anger.
Has a history of discipline problems.
Displays a pattern of impulsive and chronic hitting, intimidating, and aggressive behaviors.
Has a history of violent and aggressive behaviors.
Displays intolerance and prejudice towards others.
May use drugs, alcohol or be a member of a gang.
Lacks empathy towards others.
IF YOU THINK YOUR CHILD IS A BULLY:
Be sure that your child knows that bullying is NOT acceptable behavior.
Tell your child the penalties for bullying and be sure that you enforce them fairly and consistently.
Help your child learn alternative ways to deal with anger and frustration.
Teach and reward more appropriate behavior.
Work out a way for your child to make amends for the bullying.
Help your child develop an understanding of the impact of their bullying on the target.
Seek help or counseling if the behavior continues.
If contacted by the school, STAY CALM, TRY NOT TO BECOME ANGRY AND
DEFENSIVE! Make yourself really listen. Remember this is ultimately about the well-being of your child! DO NOT get defensive and refuse to listen to what the school and/or others are trying to tell you.
Prevent your child from becoming a VICTIM:
Instill self-confidence in your child.
Help your child establish good social skills.
Teach your child to speak out for him or herself.
Teach your child to seek help, if harassed, from you and other caring adults.
PREVENT YOUR CHILD FROM BECOMING A BULLY:
Present yourself as a model of non-violent behavior.
Clearly state that violence is not acceptable.
Assist your child in finding non-violent strategies for anger management and conflict resolution.
Seek help from mental health/school counselors to help stop bullying and aggressive behavior
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